I’ve always thought myself reasonably self aware. I wouldn’t say I have me down to tea, because there is always room for improvement. But I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I can’t get passed D the Pilot, even though I know he doesn’t offer me what I want and 2) D the dustman is everything I could possibly want or need in a partner and yet I just can’t feel the attraction, he is perfect friend zone material. What a cliché!
But seriously, why? What is it about non-committal men that is so attractive to me? Why don’t I find the guys who want to commit attractive?
And Bingo! The lightbulb went on…I don’t want to commit. You remember that whole self aware thing? Yeah? I already know I’m selfish, I’m ambitious, I’m career driven, I’m a go getter, I have high standards, not willing to settle, blah blah blah! But actually, I’ve learned I am ambivalent! I have an avoidant attachment type, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached. With the right person I am a real romantic, but it requires effort and I’m yet to find a man I want to put in the effort for.
So that is why the guy who doesn’t show any signs of any form of commitment gets me pumped. I know he’s not going to take me away from my busy active routine. I know he’s going to be available on the odd occasion I am horny. I won’t have to date him, and go out in public and possibly have to acknowledge him to people I know. The effort isn’t needed.