First of all, I just want to share with you that this is my first laptop written blog. Normally I am typing my posts out on my teeny tiny old school iPhone, which makes me feel like this blogging lark is now actually a hobby and not just some lame diary to get down my random thoughts on love and dating. Even though that’s really all this blog is.
But I need help. Seriously HELLLLLLPPPP!!
My friend and I were discussing my current love-life challenges and my incessant questioning of everything that a guy I like does (or doesn’t do), and it has become apparent (and this whole blog is testament to this) that when I like someone I cant seem to carry my normal confidence and awesomeness across to it. It’s like I suddenly lose all of my inate abilities and I just become a walking, mumbling sack of potatoes. Only, potatoes would be more interesting, fun, confident and awesome than I am. My friend said ‘This side of you really surprises me, you’re normally so confident and you don’t let anything get to you’.
Errrrmmmm…Hello. Do you even know me friend??
But he’s right. I don’t feel this way at all when it comes to my friends, my family, my work, my hobby’s or my coaching. Don’t get me wrong, I do check myself and I have times where I wonder if I’m being a good enough friend, mother, daughter, sister. And I get things wrong at work and in coaching too, but it doesn’t really have me worrying for days. I just learn from it and move on maintaining my sunny disposition to life. And even when I don’t feel like I have been a very good friend or made enough time for my family, or been a very enigmatic coach or boss, I’m able to just ‘forget’ about it and move on. I’m not insensitive to any of these area’s, but I just don’t dwell on them, I stay positive and well, honestly, I just don’t have time to dwell.
But when it comes to a BOY? Who I LIKE? And I feel a modicum of ATTRACTION to? Well, I just cant seem to let it go. I invest wayyyy too much time analysing. Their moves, their words, their texts, their intention. Analysing if I’m doing the right thing, saying the right thing. Am I coming off as too strong? Should I be more girly? Am I trying too hard? Am I being the right amount of sweet and salty? Should I flirt? Should I banter? How many xxxx’s should I put? Should I put any at all? Should I share this podcast? Would he like this song? The sheer anxiety from the weight of these questions sends me into such a spin of crippling paralysis, I often don’t do anything at all. And if I do decide to be brave and reach out, I’m then fretting because if I don’t get a response in what I consider to be an acceptable time frame or what I consider to be right response, those thoughts turn to he’s had enough of me, I’m not love-able, he must think I’m crazy, stupid, dull, boring or the worst of my self criticism’s….unfunny!
How fucking selfish is that? Not only to him because I’m already second-guessing his thoughts about me before I have even given him chance to form any kind of opinion, but also to myself because why on earth would I put myself through it.
And so I have been giving this some thought: oh yay! she’s thinking again. I have had quite an amazing year, despite the fact half of it has been during lock down and nearly all of it has been to the soundtrack of COVID19. I have dated a fair bit AND had fun with it (no really, I have), I’ve become an Auntie again to a beautiful little girl. I feel my relationships with my family are more solid than they have ever been, I have friends that are awesome and I know I can count on who pick me up and who can count on me when they need some unconditional love. I have laughed a lot. I have walked in some beautiful places and discovered amazing things (not to mention lost a stone). I have tried new foods, learned some history, gained an amazing perspective on what to be grateful for, developed a business idea, re-started this blog, successfully navigated my way through a worldwide pandemic, seen my Grandad through a successful heart operation, achieved level 8 in Parenting, saw my U9’s Football Team achieve their first ever league win after all their hard work. Yet somehow, despite all of that great stuff, the lack of intention from one man (who is the equivalent of 0.0000000013% of the population) has me feeling like a failure. WHAT!!
And I think I know why. When it comes to dating and love, I have no tangible proof of anything, and I’m the kind of gal that reads and needs to know things. I need physical confirmation that something is real or feedback that I’m doing well. I get validation from all the other areas of my life which is why I don’t give those aspects of my life much thought. I’m also scared. I really don’t want my heart to be broken. I really don’t want to show how vulnerable and neurotic I am. I don’t want to face rejection and have to talk myself through the mantra of ‘You are good enough, you are amazing, it’s his loss’ over and over until the next walking, talking Adonis comes along and the vicious cycle of waiting for their validation starts all over again.
People tell me all the time I deserve someone. Ok, but have you seen how messy I am, who’s gonna love that? You’re not unlove-able. Yeah, but don’t get too close because I’m really made of invisible barbed wire. You’re gorgeous and funny, any man would be lucky to have you. See these chin pimples? A lucky escape more like. Be patient, you gotta go through some Mr Wrongs before you find Mr Right. I wouldn’t mind Mr Wrong but I seem to only find Mr Fuck No!
I know I said I needed help, but now I don’t even know what help to ask for. It’s obvious that I need some intervention; Hello, my name is Louise and I’m addicted to self-sabotage. The first step is admitting it right? Maybe I should go cold turkey on dating. Hell, why stop there? Celibacy is embraced in many cultures, I could become a modern day Nun, singing gospel songs and donating all this time-wasted on thinking about whether 0.0000000013% of the population thinks I’m good enough to more worthy causes!