Let me start by saying that I really hope that whatever shape or form it came in, that your Christmas and holidays have not been too disappointing. I spent most of the main day working before getting home to my baby and tearing through wrapping paper and the mountain of gifts that were left behind. My son was beaming with smiles and showed a lot of gratitude, which as a parent, you always try to install and when it happens, the pride you feel is immeasurable. My wonderful Mama and Nana bought round plates of food and with some gin and games, Christmas turned out to be a pretty decent affair.
But for some reason, I’ve suddenly started to feel low. I feel like I’m losing control in a number of areas of my life despite the whole mind, body, soul gig this year.
My son’s dad, let’s call him SD, who I love dearly (just not that type of love) started dating my cousin (weird). No wait, my sons cousin (even weirder). This is the second attempt at a relationship. Aside from the fact I just can’t stand it, there is a definite ebb away from our son on his part. As a result, I’m starting to resent and dislike him but he’s too closed off to hear feedback and I don’t know how to get through to him. I’ve been patient. It’s been 6 months, other than making my feelings about this union clear at the beginning (a lot because it’s weird and mostly because it didn’t work out last time because she couldn’t handle the fact he had CHILDREN), I haven’t uttered a word. But I can see his priorities shifting towards his new beau…for example he left him at home for 3 hours on Christmas day so he could have dinner with his new gf. My son wasn’t alone, he had his grandad with him, but as I was working I felt this was pretty diabolical all the same, especially as he told me on the day after he had already left him. And then there’s the polite requests I’ve made to help me out with caring for my grandad following a triple heart bypass, or for work, or just some god damn me time, which have all had to be ran past his gf before any decisions are made. Like…WTF? Is this normal? You have to ask your gf of 6 months, who your son doesn’t know about and has not been reintroduced to, permission to have him?
Maybe SD should stand for Shit Dad. That’s a bit unfair, he’s not shit, but there’s deffo room for improvement…no clubs, no days out, constant screen time, but there is an abundance of love. Or at least, there was….
And.And.And. I could rant on forever. I guess I’m just angry and frustrated and I can’t seem to shake it, I’ve no other outlet for my emotions than here… so you (not so) lucky folk are getting a direct insight into what goes through my mind when the lights go out. But thank you if you are still here reading, absorbing my little 1am pity party.
And don’t get me started on FD. No mention of the walk over the Christmas holidays. No initiation of convo’s, though he did say he’d love to help me complete the UK’s 100 Greatest Walks, which was a book I got from my folks (after I text him). Given the above though, I’ve not really been making much effort and it only seems to be one-way anyway. So I have no control over that either.
We had a re-shuffle at work back in February. I have a new line manager who I barely see, and a new manager has been created who has effectively taken my old job but still expects me to do the work. It was fine to start with, I knew it would happen as they were new in role but 10 months on, I’m still doing it and it’s starting to bug me. I’m a lackey. All the doing, none of the reward and yet again, I have no control over it.
And as I am writing this out, it’s suddenly dawned on me that maybe I am a control freak and that’s my real problem?! Nothing to do with my emotions. I will admit I do tend to focus on my emotions to try and determine if they are rational or irrational. I think my feelings are quite rational on all these occasions so….Is this an epiphany?
How do you know if you are a control freak?