I am in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that has the ‘Po Po’ slamming your door in at 5am, nor the kind where I find myself swimming against an ebbing tide.
But the kind of trouble that gets a girls heart broken. BROKEN!
I was nervous for last night. So unbelievably nervous. I don’t know why, but I had butterflies. I was feeling super shy and just didn’t know what to do with myself for the whole hour I was waiting for Mr Big to show up. Maybe I was conscious of how I felt after our last get together and worried that my body’s apparent friendzoning of this guy was going to mean I couldn’t get going. Or equally worried that Mr Big was feeling something similar and that is why he didn’t stay going for long last time.
Whatever it was, soon disappeared. I’m instantly at ease in his company (warning sign #1). He looked so SO good (warning sign #2). He had me crying with laughter within 5 minutes of arriving (warning sign #3). He told me I looked stunning and really appreciated my outfit which showed off all of my legs (warning sign #4). We made out, went upstairs and we had the most unbelievably sexy time together, I lost count of the amount of times I came (warning sign #5). He talked about his family, his past relationships, his unbelievable luck on how he is here because his aortic valve ruptured and now has a carbon valve regulating his heart (warning sign #6). We ate some pizza and he tidied up!! (Warning sign #7). We had hours of pillow talk until about 2am, he would not shut up (warning sign #8) with cuddles and light stroking the whole time (warning sign #9) and this morning when we woke up at 5:30 (yes we were still awake at 2am) we both left the house, I was so away with the fairies I forgot to lock my frigging front door! (Warning sign #10).
I’m sleep deprived. I have aching and sore muscles, I have been ravenously hungry, but surprisingly full of beans considering I’ve only had 3 hours sleep…because I am running on a natural high! A natural high that you only get when you connect with another human being who lights up your soul!
So I need counter arguments to all the above, because I’m not in camp-stand off, I’m metaphorically going over the edge of a cliff and we know what happens when you land at the bottom. I recall that I was saying things I’ve rarely heard myself say, especially this early on; playful jokes, complimenting his appearance, touching him, sharing details about my family, sharing details about my relationships, I even told him about ‘A’!! I never tell anybody about A. We ate dinner together. I fucking cooked man. I pulled drinks. I 100% enjoyed myself and in total honesty, I didn’t want the night to end! I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want us to go our separate ways to work and our offices when morning came round. I didn’t want to see him rev up the engine on his KAWASAKI motorbike and ride away from me.
Arrrrgh! So counter arguments. A reality check. That’s what I need.
We talked A lot. But very little of that was of him asking questions. Mostly just me expanding on my life to compliment his own side of the conversation.
He did not suggest making plans for our next get together.
He explicitly stated he only invites girlfriends to his pad.
He did not say thank you for spending the night, the food, the shower this morning etc.
He said right at the start ‘You won’t break my heart Bab (local lingo) I don’t get attached’
He does not communicate other than to send racy texts, or racy photos or to set up racy meets.
The chances of this actually developing into something more is highly unlikely because THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The ones I like the most nearly never reciprocate those feelings.
I really cannot think of any more, but I’m glad I managed those few, because I do have a little more perspective now and maybe I’m just teetering on the edge of the cliff.
Won’t take much to blow me over though….
P.S I did the FLAMES test, you know where you count the number of letter of the words LOVES and then add those numbers together to get a total percentage score. We got 99% marriage.