Crazy Train Pt3

‘When love is not madness, it is not love’

How much do you guys agree with this statement?

I’m not sure. I’ve had loves that have their own kind of madness. Not all of these loves have resulted in a relationship. I’ve loved people from afar. And I’ve been in relationships that have been all-consuming.

The all-consuming loves bring excitement and electricity and wonder and yearning and desire and and and.

But my most successful loves (despite them ending, because life happens) have not been all-consuming. They are steady. And secure. They are peaceful, low energy. Safe.

But I’m not the kind of person who would be satisfied by that for an entire life. I need the adventure and excitement like I need my next breath.

I love GG. I haven’t told him. I’m scared that I recognise that the relationship we have, as wonderful as it is, does not fulfil me in adventure and excitement.

It’s really hard to change habits you know. Self sabotage when it has been life-long is a tricky one to curb. My head knows that what we have together is beautiful. Im grateful for it. It’s peaceful. And lord knows after the up and down few years of dating I’ve had, peaceful is what I need.

My head also knows I love him. But my heart and my body just isn’t catching up. I’m logical by nature. My head always overrules my emotions and in most cases that is the right way to approach things. I think?

But how do you will the heart and body along.

I’m comparing again, and I know I shouldn’t. And this is a moot point because neither happened. But how would I be feeling today if this 7 month relationship had been with either FD or Mr Big? Would I even be questioning my feelings?

A big fat NOPE!

So why am I doing it with GG? It’s unfair. I’m unfair. I’m being unfair.

And I can’t be sure I’m looking for reasons here, I’m almost drawing up a pro’s and cons list which is also unfair. I mean, I’d feel pretty shit if it was the other way round, but considering all of the amazing qualities of GG, there really are very few bad bits. Except….there’s a distinct lack of spontaneity. And it’s the spontaneity that I think the quote at the start of this blog refers to. Not crazy in love; I’m not talking about the love that makes you wonder if they are into you. Where they are. Who they are with. The double/triple/quadruple texts. I’m talking about the madness that makes people elope to far away places for shotgun weddings. The madness that makes people vulnerable to being hurt when they’ve not allowed it before. The madness of riding 100 down a motorway with wind in your hair and 1200CC’s between your legs (a motorbike metaphor). The madness of wanting to rip each other’s clothes off at any given moment.

Is it really too much to want to be slammed over the kitchen side whilst I’m making toad-in-the-hole?

Just wouldn’t cross GG’s mind even though it does mine. And I tell him. Often.

The struggle (even though it shouldn’t exist) continues…

Published by

Thereneverwasasaintwithredhair

Welcome to my blog about my car crash dating life as a 30 something female.

8 thoughts on “Crazy Train Pt3”

  1. Your original question… if love is not madness, is it love? I think love exists in all forms. I also believe each relationship can weather many stages of love – from calm to madness. Is all madness in relationships good? Definitely not. Speaking of spontaneity- I just think that’s a character/quality that you desire. One of my biggest must-have in a relationship was someone who could make me laugh. If your desire for spontaneity was as important as my desire for a funny partner is, then I’d absolutely see your point to stick to your guns – never settle (this is not to say I think you’re settling).

    I always think about this when people talk about qualities they look for in a guy… my shy/timid cousin who was single for many, many, many years always told me she didn’t know why she was constantly single and then proceeded to tell me what her ideal partner was- outgoing and extroverted.. which I found very interesting because as mentioned, she was extremely timid. So I remember asking her, “hmmm, do you think your ideal guy (outgoing/extroverted) would say that his ideal partner was someone who was timid/shy/introverted?”

    I guess the point of my story is, after I mentioned this to her, I started thinking not only about what my ideal partner was but whether or not I was being an ideal partner back to someone else or if I was being an ideal partner to the type of partner I wanted to attract… (this has no reflection on who you are, as much as I enjoy your “blog content” 😀, I obviously don’t know who you are… I am just simply providing an added potential perspective to ponder). 😊 Hope all this makes sense!?! lol

    Also, toad-in-a-hole 🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does make sense and yes it is a character trait I seek out. We are total opposites. He is shy and timid and I am the loud outgoing one. Although I am shy too, it lasts 5 minutes once I know someone. GG has said he is still shy around me with some things so I have to accept that. Im not an adventure junkie, I just need to be kept on my toes.

      Have you heard of toad-in-the-hole? It’s a British dish of Sausages in Yorkshire pudding. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you are looking for a reason to end the relationship. Looking at it, there is nothing wrong. It’s almost like all the parts are there but somehow not everything clicks into place. YOu are wondering how long you’ll go with the flow until one day you leave because he didn’t call on time or something. nothing you to in your live needs to be justified, ‘because you want to’ is a valid reason. Men deserve nothing so string him along

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting what you want. There is something missing in this relationship for you, and that is just how it feels. You could communicate that with him, and risk his feelings getting hurt, or you could say nothing and continue feeling somewhat dissatisfied, which ultimately isn’t going to leading to a happy ending for either of you! or, do you weigh it up a different way.. he hits at a 9/10 (for example) so do you overlook the one thing missing because everything else is so good?, or does that one thing outweigh the 9?

    I agree with Larney about chemistry. But, you have openly discussed on here your own personal mental health struggles, where does this impact on that? maybe it doesn’t?

    also…Toad in the hole..lmao

    Like

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