Revelation

Let’s make this quick.

Profound levels of understanding about myself don’t happen very often. But I think, I THINK, that I have stumbled across one.

I will happily go 2, maybe 3 years living the single life, enjoying what it has to offer. But because the men I choose have similar outlooks to me, I tend not to have any deep or meaningful connection with them. Over time this leads to lowering self-esteem and I get to a point where I need validation that I’m worthy of more than sex. Or worth more than an ego boost to these men. So I get to a point where I meet people who are nice and safe who I have to build slow burns with because I’m not immediately attracted to them and therefore I know I can’t get hurt because I won’t have feelings for them.

But by doing it, I have proven myself worthy of being somebody’s girlfriend and thus builds my self-esteem. Then after a few months of re-building, I’m like ‘this isn’t for me’ because I want the passion, the crush, the desire that comes with somebody exciting.

But the exciting ones never want any form of commitment.

This is my pattern.

This is it guys and gals!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to ‘There Never Was a Saint with Red Hair’

Yesterday marked one year since I re-established this blog with Too Many Choices. According to my stats, I have had over 1000 views on my blog, I have 110 followers and I can’t even count the number of likes and comments I’ve received over the year. WP can though, it’s 618 and 277 respectively.

In the last 12 months, I’ve also written over 40,000 words which means, if I had put any thought into scheduling my content, brainstorming ideas instead of just writing whatever is on my mind, then I might even have had half a half sensible story; 100,000 words yo! That’s a book!

More than that though, I have made some amazing connections with other bloggers who I now consider friends and it’s tough luck if you are one of them and wish you weren’t. You are more than a friend, you have witnessed all the good and bad of my inner psyche, helping me through the tatters and always knowing just what to say to bring me up from the depths of despair or back down to earth, because we all knows I need it.

I’m in awe though. I’m amazed that what started out as a simple writing exercise designed to aid my thought process and decision making in relation to men and dating, has been relatable to so many people out there. So much so, that they have stuck around to follow my blog, commented or liked my content. I find this incredible and so, for anybody who has stopped by, commented, liked or even enjoyed my content so much that they follow me….a great big huge thank you.

I thought I’d give a brief recap of the last 12 months;

Started out with 4 ‘boyfriends’

Dropped to zero

Developed major league crush on FD

Got carried away with Mr Big

Started dating GG

Lost 1.5 stones

Gained .5 stones back

Lost my writing mojo/muse

Found it again

Lost it again

I went to the beach 5 times

Climbed 3 mountains

Played and coached football twice a week

Took up tennis

Put the tennis racket back down

Made last two in interview – didn’t get the job

Made last two in interview – did get the job

Lost my shit – the crazy way

Gathered my shit – the crazy way

Cried, laughed, meditated, slept.

Phew! Can’t wait to see what the next 12 months brings.

The S Word.

How do you know if you are settling for something?

Is settling OK?

Or should we be striving for the absolute best?

It’s been five months with GG, 6 if you include the talking/virtual stage before we actually went on a date.

The list of good qualities he has just pours out of me, kind, generous, laid back, funny, charming, fit, geeky.

So, you would think after 6 months, I would have met at least one friend or at least one member of the family and I would definitely have heard something along the veins of ‘I love you’. Not necessarily that direct, but things like ‘I’m crazy about you’ or ‘you make me so happy’ or ‘I can’t imagine my world without you in it’ or ‘I miss you’. None of these things have happened.

My love language is quality time, closely followed by acts of service. Physical touch and words of affirmation are sub-par to the above but that doesn’t mean I don’t need them. Because I do. I hold no value of gift-giving, albeit, I do think it has it’s place in a relationship that isn’t just directly related to birthdays, holidays and Christmas.

And I don’t think you can say one person is 100% a love language, because it’s more like a spectrum;

I’m 36% Quality Time, 30% Acts of Service, 18% Words of Affirmation 10% physical touch and 6% gift giving.

And my love language will increase or decrease depending on any given scenario I am in, but in general the above is an accurate reflection of how I give love and how I like to receive love.

I get a lot of quality time from GG. Assuming cooking or buying dinner is considered an act of service, then he tries really hard. But there’s not much else. There’s very little words of affirmation, he can choke out ‘you look pretty’ when I’ve made an effort. He’s not into PDA which is fine but he does like to gift things, either buying dinner, or bringing a bottle of wine or buying chocolate.

And I feel guilty, because as much as those things are nice, it’s not what I really need. I can buy my own things, you know?

And so, I’ve done the worst thing I can do, I’ve started drawing comparisons. Comparisons to other people, ex’s, tv, social media. I know I shouldn’t. I know. I don’t need anybody telling me why I shouldn’t draw comparisons but the other side of the coin is that we use our past experiences to develop an internal radar. We have a gut. We have instincts. We are animals after all.

My instinct is telling me that I’m settling.

Remember my boundaries post? And how I was adamant that I would not invest in somebody who wasn’t investing in me?

Well, GG has met my parents. We’ve talked about meeting my son. He’s been on the phone to my friends with me. All these things which are normal building blocks to a relationship, yes?

And while I’m trying to build my blocks, every time I look over, my metaphorical wall is always much higher than GG’s.

Now I’m not saying he doesn’t make an effort and isn’t investing. He’s just organised a weekend away, we had a lovely time and he’s organised another the end of this month.

He’s asked me to be a plus 1 for a wedding in October. OCTOBER! So there’s the future element of building going on, but it feels superficial. It’s surface level. Do you agree? Or have I started my usual of overthinking?

I need to be honest here too, because the doubt has crept in for two reasons;

1) 6 months is usually make or break time for me. It’s like I have an internal body clock telling me, here you go, 6 months in, decide if it’s worth your time/effort to continue things forward. But then I think, hang on, that’s your pattern and the whole point of the last 18 months was about recognising patterns and changing them. So then I think, no decisions need to be made now but then I think again and I don’t want to waste another couple of months if it leads me to the same conclusion.

2) After 3 months going cold turkey, managing to avoid any contact with Mr Big, we’ve done nothing but see each other or talk to each other (professionally of course) over the last two weeks.

And damn if my body doesn’t just vibrate around him. It’s like I’m on a completely different frequency with him to anybody else. Not even football dad had that effect on me when I was at the height of my crush. The babes comment? Pah!! Nothing on what I feel when Mr Big is in my midst.

And whilst I know Mr Big and I have no future unless it is to bounce each other off the bed every once in a while, I do wonder…can I find that buzz with someone else? If I can, I should probably do the kind thing and bring the pleasure that has been GG to an end. Would I even feel that buzz if things were right with GG and I? I should feel that buzz with GG, right? And if I can’t find that buzz with someone else, is that settling or is that normal? By not actively pursuing the ‘buzz’ I feel like I may just end up in something boring and unfulfilling, but I’ve only ever followed the buzz and it’s never got me anywhere. I said buzz a lot. There, I said it again. I’ll stop now.

And I know not all days, hours, minutes are constant excitement, but I’m scared that I’ll end up 13 years into another relationship being unhappy. It’s harder to start over in your when approaching 50 than it is when you are approaching 30.

So, to quote Shakespeare, ya know, if Shakespeare was a 30-something-female living in the post-Covid dating world in 2021….

‘To settle or not to settle? That is the question’

Bad Ass – The Fear

I’m a bad ass.

Or at least I’ve been reading a book called ‘You are a Bad Ass’ by Jen Sincero so that’s basically the same thing.

It a self-help book, about cutting out what drags you down in life and only seeking out high frequency opportunities. Or at least learn to recognise when to take them.

This blog has been high frequency for me over the last 12 months. Pouring out my emotions and ups and downs, my neurosis, my crazy. But I think something happened, that I did not expect or intend. By writing down all those things and looking back on them, I started to see a pattern form. My overzealousness (is that a word?), my ‘quick to flirty banter’ nature, my overthinking, they were all getting in the way of my happiness.

Jen Sincero writes that you have to go through the rough before you launch into the life you truly deserve. I can demonstrate that in my life. I think I’ve unwittingly been following her guided path for a few years: starting out with the separation from my son’s dad, buying a house that was a run-down. I got a promotion. Then I got another promotion. In the meantime I’ve met several men, all lovely in their own right, but currently the only man for me in this moment is GG. But it hasn’t always been plain sailing. I’ve had to fight bosses who are just mean/horrid people. I was off work with depression and anxiety for 6 months. I’ve never had enough money to do up my run-down house so it’s taken me 5 years to get where I am and it’s still not finished. I now have to live with my ex and my cousin being together. I’ve been hurt and humiliated by men.

My current life dilemma, is whether to give up coaching football. My son doesn’t want it anymore, and so it is a lot to commit to when you were only doing it for your son in the first place. Problem is, I love coaching. I manage the team, and although I’d quite happily live without the planning and organising, I don’t want to stop the fun stuff, kicking the ball around a field and watching my boys develop and progress. But if I stick to the principles of Jen’s ‘You are a bad ass’ then I need to trust the process and understand this is what the universe has in store for me.

And I need to recognise the time that football takes up as additional free time and therefore, an opportunity. I’ve been thinking about some ideas. My friend and I formed the basis of a business idea last year and whilst I kinda made steps to begin building it, the whole idea trailed off because it was just too hard.

Too hard? I single-handedly raise a boy, maintain a house, keep a resemblance of order, I manage a large team in a very busy police force successfully full-time and have laid down the foundations and built a football team successfully in my spare time. Renovation wise; I have tiled my bathrooms, re-laid plumbing, cut down tree’s, transformed my garden. In amongst all that, I have dated, cared for my grandparents and maintained relationships with friends, despite it being a weird year and honestly, climbing inside my cocoon was liberating!

And I suppose it is all relative. Somebody who doesn’t have children, who lives at home or two parent families or those with no responsibility other than for themselves could consider my life hard but setting up a business is easy.

Well, the business idea is my fear. I have no idea where to start. Who to approach. How to explore. What it takes to kick start it off the ground. The other stuff comes to me like second-nature. The bad-assery that Jen Sincero refers to is about pushing through the fear. The fear of failure. The fear of what people will think of you. The fear of how to get started. The fear of what people might say, your friends/family. The fear of imposter syndrome telling you you’re not good enough.

I’ve struggled with this blog over the last few weeks/months. Not because I have nothing to write about, because I have. Always. But because what I can write isn’t really in keeping with the content of this blog.

I feel like a fraud. I fear that my regular readers will be like – ‘Yo! Dis Boring man! ‘

But if blogging is something that makes me happy and tunes into my higher frequency, would should I let that fear stop me?

So…there may be a transition of sorts coming. I can’t say for certain that my blogging content will change or if it does, I can’t describe what it might be right now, but I certainly won’t be letting the fear stop me!

Get Jen Sincero’s audiobook on Spotify:

A case of the grumps…

Sorry. I’ve been awol.

I’ve lost a lot of the motivation I started out with this year. Is it the time of the year? Is it something in the air? Is it ok to lose motivation?

I’ve just finished celebrating my birthday. The guy I’m seeing has referred to himself as my boyfriend, so we’re official.

I got promoted at work. My football team are winning.

I have nothing to be grumpy about.

Maybe it’s the hormones, my period is due but that would only explain one or two days and not this incessant cloud of misery which has descended over me.

To make matters worse, my boyfriend is also grumpy because his football team lost their Europa cup final. And this is further making me grumpy. Like Pandora’s box. Has my grump created a confidence in him to be grumpy? Because that’s not how this works. I can be grumpy, he makes me feel better. He is not allowed to be grumpy because I can’t be arsed with emotional people.

I joke, kinda. I’m not insensitive, although some part of me thinks there are better things to be grumpy over than a game of football.

And I’ve been rather dutiful and asked how I can make him feel better, but I hit a dead end with ‘I dunno’.

So now I’m even more grumpy.

So I got the grumps which created the grumps which has given me the grumpy grumps.

Vicious circle.

Witty Title – Routine

I am currently sat next to my boyfriend while he plays a game called Destiny which he is super excited about as a new release landed today.

I say boyfriend, it’s not been officially confirmed or anything, I just know he’s my boyfriend and I’m his girlfriend…boys always need a few extra weeks to catch up don’t they and I’m pretty confident I’ll be getting a birthday card that says ‘to my girlfriend’ at the end of the month.

And although neither of us have referred to each other in terms of ownership (my man/my girl, not in a controlling way, calm down), this is how I know I am his girlfriend…my gamer geek boyfriend’s favourite game dropped a new release and he still insisted that I come over for dinner and spend the night.

I did say he could have his night with the boys, I really didn’t mind, I always have something else I can do, but he was adamant; he would play for a couple of hours and then the rest of the night was mine to do whatever I please. I mean, what kinda girl could turn down an offer like that? I also got the ‘you are amazing’ comment so I’ve earned some serious brownie points (again, not in a controlling way, but it’s give and take for when I accidentally half break his fingers when he tries to tickle me or ruin something in the wash, seriously…calm down). And so, this is how I come to be writing this blog, patiently waiting for date night, but secretly loving the fact GG is enveloping me in his world of virtual reality play which I just KNOW is a big deal.

A few other examples of things I consider big deals that I adore him for: I slept over last week and the sun comes up directly into GG’s bedroom, save for a few vertical blinds, it is bright!!!! I managed to nod back off with a second pillow over my head, so he went and bought me an eye mask. I spotted the mint & tee tree body wash I use in his en-suite as I got ready for work the next day. I also had a belly ache that night thanks to my period and he made me a hot water bottle. He has booked a weekend away for us in the Lake District and last week I was successfully promoted at work and to he showed up with flowers and wine to celebrate. His thoughtfulness and the kindness he shows me is nothing short of amazing. I don’t remember if I rated those things in my boundaries post back in November (Boundaries), probably because I’ve never experienced it, least of all on a scale like this. I need to do an updated boundaries post.

I wouldn’t consider myself an overly thoughtful person, but I have moments of inspiration that come to me. GG is a big fan of Godzilla. So much so that he has recently hung 7 framed Godzilla-related posters on his walls leading up to the top floor of his super geeky techy house. I love it. And he has yet to see the new Godzilla vs Kong film because cinemas are still not open here in the UK. So in order to payback some of his thoughtfulness, I have scored tickets to an open air cinema to watch said film this weekend. Perceptive and thoughtful. He’s also mentioned a new PlayStation game he would like, something called Returnal which looks hard as fuck because there are no save points, and once you die you go back to the start AND the game changes. I dunno how I have managed to retain this useless information in my head, I don’t need to know. And now I’ve imparted that same useless information to you. Anyway, I’m thinking I will buy him the game. It’s 70 smackers but gift giving seems to be his love language and I want to do something special for him.

That, or a blow job.

The point of this post though, which I am finally getting round to is about routine. Last week saw the start of the ‘routine’. What do I mean by routine? I mean, the point at which you realise you want them involved in the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. Or you remember the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. We went food shopping together. Then he asked me to stay the night after a late shift at work. Then we spent the next day working from home side by side. Then it’s tonight and I’m listening to one side of a 3 way conversation and watching strobe lights and fancy effects while grown men try to kill other men and hunt for treasure. I live for the routine.

But.

It’s very easy to get accustomed to routine before you are ready or before you have had time to assess the red flags. Or you grow accustomed to their presence and so losing them becomes harder. The greatest thing I have learned over the last 12 months is probably that in order to get through life you must place a high value on yourself because no-one else will do it for you. Or maybe they will under-value you. Oh I can’t remember the quote, I’m rubbish at remembering things lately, unless it’s nonsense gaming stuff.

The fact that I have remembered the gaming nonsense is proof though that I care for GG, I like him. A lot. Am I falling for him? Hmmm…I think it is too soon for me to answer that truthfully. But doing the mundane stuff with him makes it better, even writing this blog sat next to him I feel more buoyed that usual. And I have a huge smile on my face. Urgh…I think I’ve turned into one of those people who just gushes over how a m a z i n g their boyfriend is. Its fine guys, feel free to call me out on it and bring me back down to earth. I guess because this hasn’t developed as a result of an overpowering, debilitating crush and it has been a slow burn, I’ve been able to build my own value. And work out GG’s value. It’s been so free of drama; totally not what I am used to. As for my other boundaries, there has been investment, flirting, laughter, chivalry and I cant even knock his communication. Would I like more random phone calls? Yes. Does it matter? No. That’s not to say that I would start accepting shitty behaviour, but I am confident if something didn’t feel quite right, I’d call it out and he would respond in a mature way. And if he doesn’t like it and withdraws then his loss, because I am steadily recognising what it means to be in a partnership. But that’s not gonna happen because GG is not one of the shitty men that I am so used to. I’m still a little bewildered that by giving it time, patience and space to grow I seem have broken my own dating pattern.

I don’t think I did that before with any of my prospects. I was too busy assessing their values and forgetting my own. I just couldn’t imagine doing any of this ‘routine’ stuff with FD or Mr Big or any of the ‘datee’s’ I have encountered in the last 12 months. And that got me wondering about whether a crush is actually a warning sign. It’s when all common sense leaves your body so that you are unable to judge the behaviour logically or rationally. It’s no coincidence that all my crushes have been unrequited loves.

And although nobody really knows what tomorrow will bring, I’m probably gonna wake up tomorrow to a cup of tea, I’m gonna shower with my mint/tee tree body wash, I’m gonna get dressed and log on to my laptop and we are gonna work side by side.

And if you are reading this thinking it sounds mundane and boring, I completely agree, but isnt that we strive for? And should all else fail…

GG – what have you done to me?

Gamer Geek #4

It’s a sign isn’t it?

My last post was 21st April and I haven’t even got my first May post off the ground. I can’t even blame the fact I have no time to write one because I’m filling it all up with GG, but that’s not quite the truth. I have been in a bit of slump. Nobody tells you how hard life can get at times, we just have to sail through and come out of it the other side, hoping our mast is still in tact.

I don’t even have a hard life, especially when I look at those of the people I surround myself with. So I don’t really have the balls to go into a slump. But we’ve all been through the same hellish year; same sea, different boats?

I suppose it’s almost a reversal of fortune if I use hindsight. At the beginning of the year, I had 5 prospects, the motivation to get myself fit, eat well, date, plan, write, work, mother, care. Now I have 1 solid prospect (not officially titled or anything yet), for whom I have a lot of adoration and want to make time for, but all my other endeavours have kinda fallen off a cliff. I haven’t even been for a walk in over 2 weeks. I’m even considering giving up football.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

I wonder whether all of my hobbies, we’re just a smoke screen to make it look like I’m cool and interesting to prospective dates, but deep down on the inside, I’m just a weak, lazy, boring Gal who needs the facade. This is a genuine worry. Is this imposter syndrome? Is this my relationship anxiety kicking in? But when I really give it some factual thought: the walking is a lifelong hobby and the football has been running for 2 years so neither of those are directly linked to my goal of finding love. I’ve achieved my fitness goal so I’m in maintain mode, no point going overboard. I still mother well, care well, eat well. It’s only really the writing that has probably gone a bit haywire… and not really, I just haven’t had the inspiration for a post. Or rather the brain fog has descended and I’m struggling to clear it to come up with a witty post about dating. (Brain: you are assuming they are witty).

Interesting that I’m not questioning GG’s intentions here though, but my own. Is that the sign when you know it’s a good thing? Turning the anxiety inwards, finding blame somewhere because GG has been faultless? And I’m not blinded by lust, love or like…truthfully, I’m still developing those feelings for him but the patience, the love, the care, the peace that has descended upon my life since GG came into this sphere of mine is not what I am accustomed to. The pace has been slow and steady. The investment has been building consistently. The laughter has increased gradually. the time spent together has built to the point where we just completed a whole weekend together. I AM NOT USED TO THIS.

GG invited me over to watch the football tomorrow night and inadvertently, I made it sound like I didn’t want to because I’m due my period. He made it very clear at that point that he doesn’t just want me for sex. I hadn’t realised how I’d made it sound and fortunately he wasn’t offended. But a guy who isn’t just interested in the sex? Who is interested in me? I don’t understand…its only ever been sex or nothing in my experience!

Maybe the internalised questions a sign that I am the one with shitty intentions? Am I going to be the heartbreaker? Do I need to put in more effort? Is it better to worry about your own actions or the intentions/investment of the other? I suppose if I worry about my own actions I can actually do something about them as opposed to somebody else’s of which I have no control over.

Our first physical date was 6th Feb. It is now May 5th and as we head into dating month #4, I wonder whether all this overthinking that I do that I really can’t help is my intuition, or whether it is a dating pattern I need to break?

Self-sabotage much?

Witty Title – Toxic Traita

‘I don’t really have a lot to say’

A sentence you hear when somebody is too lazy to argue.

A sentence you hear when somebody is not passionate enough.

A sentence you SAY when you are coming up blank for a blog post but you are still trying to hit your 1000 words a week target that you set yourself at the start of the year.

I feel as though a peace has settled over me. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I have no love life drama. And I don’t know how to deal with it!

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever sought out drama, but I will admit I love a good argument to clear the air. I’ve never been passive aggressive, always direct and to the point which has landed me in some trouble in my history. I prefer to argue with facts and logic these days. I’m guilty of using words to drive in a sharp knife. Not in rude way, I’d never swear at somebody or insult them, because that’s mean. But I’m a spin doctor of sorts and will capitalise on what you say and twist it until you can’t even remember what the point was you made in the first place. I consider this my biggest toxic trait (after taking another glass to bed for water when there’s already one there).

I also have bad habits. I bite my nails until they bleed (anxiety thank you very much), I smoke (because alcoholism is way more expensive, and risky) I wash the dishes way less often than I should and my clothes somehow always end up on the floordrobe as opposed to in the wardrobe.

So when you combine my toxic trait and my bad habits, it’s easy to conclude that I’m not a person many would find easy to love. And I believe this. I also believe that I am a person somebody would be lucky to love. Can you see my dilemma?

So when somebody brings up an issue, I instantly go to the part of my brain that believes I’m shit to love. When somebody is not passionate enough in their response, same thing. And to protect myself I start waxing lyrical, using big words and weaving them into clever sentences; they are my weapons that protect me from my own self-imposed wounds.

I’m not the most secure person in the world. I am soooo confident in many things; sports, driving, my job, socially, around friends, family. Any outsider could look at me and easily denote me as a competent adult who has her shit together. But that’s only what you see on the outside. I have high functioning anxiety and imposter syndrome. Which basically means I have to please the inner voice over everything else. This is hard to do. And my coping mechanism is talking to myself which in turn becomes the same coping mechanism when dealing with any other type of personal conflict. I have a sharp tongue and I’m not afraid to use it. Sucks to be you.

BUT

It’s an issue that has raised itself a number of times in the past with partners and I’m finally listening and registering that my vocabulary and grasp of the English language (most of the time) is as much a strength as it is a weakness.

I don’t have a problem getting on a level with peers, colleagues, friends, family, kids, the elderly and everybody in between. But I know for a fact that maintaining these awesome communication skills I have with a lover has never been my strong suit.

And the one thing somebody can say to me to really raise the pressure in this interpersonal kettle that is bubbling to ensure those communication skills completely boil over?

I don’t really have a lot to say!

Or any words to that effect. Infuriating!!!

And I have no reason to be triggered by such a reasoned statement. It’s probably what a secure person would say to prevent an argument. But I’m not secure and therefore it’s lazy and passionless, don’t @ me.

Or maybe do @ me. I can’t even decide if this is a toxic trait I want to improve. I quite like being a wordsmith.

I’m frenetic in nature, so I will naturally swing back and forth between two ideas. Even when I have laid out a reasonable and rationale argument for changing my ways and even when there is supporting evidence that those ways are not a ‘good thing’, I’ll still argue with myself over which wins out.

Until, of course, the time comes that an argument is borne, and either the other person is left feeling like shit because they couldn’t defend my war of words or I’m left feeling like shit because my war of words worked and now they feel like shit. It’s a no win situation and I can’t not have the last word. At this point, I instantly chastise myself.

So even though it’s a behaviour that I need to change, I don’t really want to. Even though I’ll always end up feeling bad by behaving in this way, I’ll continue to do it.

And because this peace has settled over me and there is no drama (in my love life at least) I feel a little lost. I’m jittery, like one who hasn’t had their coffee in the morning (or way too much) and I’m gunning for a verbal showdown.

It’s ironic that that I can spit words out and yet I’m really not sure this post makes any sense.

I have nothing more to say**

** a sentence you write when you have no clear way to end a blog post.

Gamer Geek #3

Tell me you have a boyfriend, without telling me you have a boyfriend (Disclaimer, I don’t have a boyfriend, officially).

Unofficially however, I think I do. Gamer geek posted me on his Instagram. He referenced the fact we have been talking for nearly 4 months and asked me how long we had been physically seeing each other. ‘We first met 6th Feb’ I replied.

It hasn’t been that long, was later than that’

It was the 6th Feb’ I repeat

And thus ensued a conversation about how quickly it had gone etc.

GG and I have spent almost the whole weekend together. I arrived at his at 07:45am yesterday to go hiking and I didn’t leave until 12pm this afternoon. And I only left to get home for the cat, I wanted to stay. He wanted me to stay. Neither of us verbalised it, not sure why he didn’t but I was very mindful of overstaying my welcome and showing my hand too much. Remember what I said when I like someone and I get waayyyy too eager, waaayyy too soon. I don’t want to flip the switch. GG is an awesome guy, he’s interesting. He’s cute. He’s fun. I may not be having the daydreams that I did about football dad, or with Mr Big but that’s not a bad thing. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that peaceful and gradual > chaos and fast.

There is still a lack of emotional connection though. I really do have to pry info out of him. And he’s not all that forthcoming with telling stories. For example, he told me he went to Iceland. And he also told me all about his trip, and the whale watching he did, camping under the stars, touring the famous Gulfoss Falls and swimming in the blue lagoon. I swear he said this was a solo trip. I SWEAR godammit, but honestly, lately, my memory is not what it used to be so I doubt myself. Anywayyyy, on a completely unrelated subject, GG is getting his haircut tomorrow, his friend is doing it at home and as he was telling me about her, I asked her name and he said ‘Laura’.

Me Oh, my hairdresser is named Laura too, but I go to a salon called NUYU’

GG ‘Yeah, that’s where she works, she only does home visits for her friends’

W e H a v e T h e S a m e H a i r d r e s s e r!

It’s a small world. Call it fate, call it serendipity. Whatever. But what are the chances of that?!

What’s the point of this? GG tells me Laura was the friend he went to Iceland with. He was very quick to tell me they hadn’t dated, I guess he saw the look on my face or the energy I radiated after he mentioned it and thought I was jealous. But I was confused, see, because I thought he said he went alone. I mean there may have been a pang of jealousy. A tiny one, because the girl is seriously pretty. But you know, I work with two men I have had sex with, one of which was way too recent to mention, so I got over myself very quickly.

But, see what I mean? I’d have definitely remembered him telling me he went with a friend. Especially a female friend. And it just side swiped me. So, a small part of me, now that I’m not around him and all up in my feelings, is starting to wonder. How much of the story am I getting? Half? A quarter?

I suppose telling a new love interest how close you are to other girls is a risky thing to do, particularly if said love interest is the jealous type. I can be very jealous, but it’s usually when something that might make me jealous is kept hidden. I could be jealous when you first tell me the story, but I’m doubly jealous now that you have added to the story and didn’t mention it first time round. You know what I mean? That’s crazy. God it sounds really crazy, but that’s rational for me. 0-25% jealous when it’s laid bare from the offset. 100% jealous when it’s disclosed at a later point. And even if it is crazy, I don’t think I’m alone here (as a female, anyway).

And, tell me if I’m overthinking something else, because you know, I have a tendency to do that when it comes to boys, but something doesn’t add up from the other night. For me, Wednesday nights are football training nights. Now I didn’t really hear much from GG last weekend. And I deffo didn’t hear from him on Weds. I know we are all busy, but when a guy goes from constant and consistent texts on a daily basis and then suddenly disappears for a night, or two nights after a couple of months, then it’s only natural to wonder what he’s doing.

Apparently, he went to the new designer outlet that has opened near us with his mate and they got Five Guys, went back to his place to watch the footy and play Fifa. Fine, all very plausible! Until tonight, when he said he was playing Fifa for the first time in ages.

It didn’t add up. And that’s when my brain goes into overdrive!

Me: He’s just forgotten that he played fifa with his mate

Brain: Don’t be a fool

Me: How am I being a fool? Where would he find the time to date somebody else, he’s constantly texting me

Brain: Was constantly texting you, he’s out of routine now, the energy has changed

Me: oh stop overreacting, if he was dating someone else they must be very relaxed about how much he uses his phone

Brain remember how you managed to bang Mr Big three times whilst also talking and dating GG

Me: ooooh, good point

And I’m sure you can imagine how the internal tug of war continued from there.

I read somewhere that you should reflect after a date on how they made you feel. A focus on if you like them as opposed to questioning whether they like you.

I do like GG. I always feel very looked after when I’m with him, he’s thoughtful and considerate. He’s chivalrous and has manners. We have fun and I laugh a lot. But I do always come away with a sense of unease. Like he’s holding something back.

And I’ve also looked back for red flags. Nothing obvious, although he was keen to tell me all about his manhood on our second date. Not directly, but just a funny story that allowed him to boast a little. I can’t say I blame him, it’s boastworthy. Is that a red flag though? More of a pink flag I would say. It obviously didn’t put me off.

Maybe I have nothing to worry about and I don’t recognise this for the good that it might be because all my previous relationships have been toxic? Another possibility is that I’m glossing over small important flags because I’m trying to forget about my weird Jeremy Kyle situation and so I’m just happy with the attention. Or perhaps I do recognise it’s good, but I’m trying to find things to self-sabotage because I’m also very good at that!

Did learn that he was named after his Dad this weekend though. And he also learned that I was born under a different name than the one I have now (surname. by deed poll. because my mum was young and naive, bless her). And I’m starting to wonder when might be a good time to introduce my mini me. Not like soon, but just how we might do it if we make it to 6 months. I know he’s open to this anyway, he invited him on holiday remember! But these things are just examples of me sharing who I am with GG. Am I getting the same level of personal investment from him? I’m not convinced.

Was there a question in all of this? Oh yes. How do you know if you have a boyfriend? And without an official label, when does texting and dating others become disrespectful?

(Yes, yes, I know this whole post is around my jealousy that he might be dating others. I’m crazy though. A hypocrite. Ok?! Ok.)

Fin.