There are two things that really turn me on in a man. Independence and banter.
Don’t get me wrong, I am superficial too. I like a guy to have a certain look, a twinkle in his eye, to dress well and to take care of himself. I just rate independence and banter higher.
And so it’s a good job Gamer Geek has those two in spades. Because he has none of the other qualities. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute. In a puppy dog eyes kinda way, not in the twinkling eyes way. His dress sense is somewhere between indie rock and grandad which is not helped by the long limp hairstyle he is currently sporting. I will forgive him though, none of us have had a haircut in the last 3 months and he’s obviously planning one because he said I wouldn’t be able to pull his hair for much longer. Shame. But ok.
Thing is, I’m not interested in gamer Geek for his outward look. He has wonderful values that gel with mine. He has hobbies to keep him busy and therefore I don’t feel pressure to fill his time. We enjoy similar things, playing games, sports (football and tennis) and he’s the first guy I have met who enjoys hiking more than I do and doesn’t need to wait for me to organise things, he’s very proactive in that sense. Oh, and if you didn’t guess from my nickname, he’s a huge nerd. He has manners, chivalry and a great sense of humour and I really don’t have to chase and keep making suggestions hoping he’ll take the bait, dating is easy and is a mutual back and forth and I don’t have to question anything. All wins in my little black book.
And this wouldn’t be typical of my blog without me describing the bedroom antics.
It’s definitely not what I am used to. Gentle and unhurried. Just good old fashioned love making I guess? I dunno, it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced truly sensual sexy time. It’s the type of sex I would expect 3 months in, which I suppose we are. But there’s no sense of urgency, and I think we all want to know that secretly we wish we were ripping each other’s clothes off and doing it where they land instead of always moving up to the bedroom. And actually, I’m very surprised at GG’s lack of big dick energy considering he could also have the nickname Mr Big. He doesn’t turn me on in quite the same way though, I don’t get those immediate pangs of ‘I want you now!’ when I look at him but that’s OK right? We’ve slept together three times, I didn’t orgasm the first two, but I still enjoyed it immensely, I was super turned on and writhing about, making noises that I didn’t know I could make! But I’m still worried that I’m gliding into something with no real foundation, I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. Yes I’m being open to a slow burn, but what if I never get those immediate pangs? We’ve talked about a weekend trip in June, so I’m pretty confident he likes me because he’s also quite hard to read but what if I’m still only half-assed about him by then?
Nice guy, with his own interests, a job, his own place, no baggage, chivalrous, funny, we like similar things, sensual, generous.
All those qualities, absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.
At the very first second of the very first minute of the very first hour of the very first day that I was conscious of this 2021st year, I read the following words ‘Happy New Year Babes’.
And those four little words created an excitement in me that I just couldn’t contain. So much so, I told everybody who would listen about it…you guys, my lovely readers, my friends, my colleagues. Even my Mum and I don’t tell her anything (because she doesn’t need to know that her daughter is a hoe). And for anybody who doesn’t know the history of FD (Football Dad) then please view nearly all posts published between October and January. I then spent a good 6 weeks obsessing over his uncharacteristic pet name, despite the fact, as it turned out, that that was the end of his investment and effort in our ‘what could have been’ relationship.
And you might be wondering ‘why on earth is she re-hashing this old story? Bringing him up?’ Don’t worry, I can hear you all shouting ‘let it go, love!’
But the reason I am bringing it up is because I went back to football training tonight and as this is how we know each other, he was there. I saw him. Looking all fine in his shorts and t-shirt, flexing his muscly arms and winning smile. And instantly I remember why I crush on him. Damnit!
And of course he was keen to say hello, and crack a joke.
I was not so warm.
I promised myself I would be my usual friendly, chatty self. I wouldn’t let the humiliation affect my interaction with him. But I am not made that way. And truthfully, I was pissed. Pissed at him for showing up looking finer than Adonis himself. Pissed at him for being chatty and friendly like n o t h i n g has ever potentially happened between us. Pissed at him for not helping me with my balls. Pissed at him for smiling and forcing me to chat and hold his eye contact.
And you know what I’m pissed at even more? Myself. For allowing the feelings of frustration and anger to seep in and not be indifferent to the whole thing like I so desperately wanted to be. I’m obviously not over it.
The good news is, I don’t feel the same intense level of crush on him. Yes, I’m attracted to him but I don’t feel like I want to act on it anymore. And added to that I found myself disliking some of the endearing qualities that initially attracted me to him, his ‘loud’ presence and his height. I’ve never ruled out any man because of his height but I’d 100% tower over him in my heels, so I’m latching onto that. And he’s updated his WhatsApp status to ‘Road Man’ and whilst it might be a joke, I 100% deserve better than a god damn road man, Nike kicks, sweat pants and puffer jackets are not what I want to be sat opposite when I’m sharing my hilarious stories over a Malibu and pineapple.
So that’s progress.
Hopefully, all of that will continue to slowly turn me off, and the fact we are in contact again, no matter how small, doesn’t start re-ignite the fire….but if anybody has any tips on turning my pissy feelings into cool indifference then I would love to hear them!
Also…note to self. Don’t tell Mum anything unless you want to hear ‘how’s things going with that guy from football?’ forever!!
There is one common factor in anything us humans enjoy which is….anticipation.
The pause between a joke and the punchline being delivered. The build-up to a long holiday weekend, the anticipatory wait between days before you get to spend time with your girls or the countdown to a foreign holiday. And nowhere does anticipation have its greatest effect than with sex.
Now you may argue that anticipation does not last when it comes to sex. I mean once you have bumped uglies, the intrigue is gone and you know what you have to look forward to. But anticipation doesn’t die as soon as you have sex, it just has to adjust slightly.
In my experience, building anticipation is one of the key ingredients to attraction. Flirting is dynamite and is highly underrated (louder for those in the back).
And I don’t mean sexting. Although that has its power too, flirting in the tradition sense, has a greater power though. The dry wit and sarcasm, leaning into personal space but not touching them, the little touches when you walk past them or need them to move out of your way. These things hold a power that no amount of sexting can bring.
I will align my recent experience: Mr Big and I started building anticipation 6 years ago! We have spent 6 years flirting with each other. And all that anticipation turned into some nastyass sex. This meant that the whole build up to sexy time was almost unbearable. However it has not sustained itself, sure I fancy him, still do, but the flirting has stopped and all I have to look forward to are some x-rated texts. Even they have stopped and I’m still pretty sure the whole thing has ended as abruptly as it started. There really is nowhere to go to build anticipation when the aim of having sex has been met. And once you have sex? All that chemistry that builds up vanishes. Along with the freedom and confidence to flirt. And without flirting? Yep. No anticipation.
Gamer geek and I spent a night together, and then a morning in bed. We explored and we both wanted to take it further, but neither of us showed any signs of rushing it. So we didn’t. And as most experts will tell you, delaying sex only builds more desire which in turn builds the anticipation making the ‘deed’ all that more sweeter. This worked both ways too…the following night gamer geek returned and we hit it.
It was the kind of sex I haven’t experienced in a long time. Gentle, unhurried and tender to start with, ending up in a passion fuelled frenzy. With recent sexcapades, it’s only ever been passion fuelled frenzies. Quick to undress, quick to the goods and quick to orgasm. Well…not that quick, but you get my drift.
And I am convinced that this was all because I didn’t make moves to fuck at the first opportunity. It’s not my usual stance in these situations, I’m as horny as the next person and changing old habits is hard but on this occasion I made a different choice and got different results!
And the anticipation has remained. Innuendo is an art form in itself; the ability to say things that gets the brain to work without being explicit? Desire. The ability to trick another person to build in their mind a picture is sexy AF. This is what I have been missing. One of my boundaries was flirting. I graded communication and chivalry higher, but honestly, I think flirting tops them both. Instant physical attraction dies over time, but flirting is forever. Flirting is bae.
And I’ll prove it to you with one simple image: Imagine you are 80 years old, wrinkled, with a false hip, an aching body and dried up genitals…sex and physical attraction are pastimes that have long since been forgotten.
But you’ll still be able to build anticipation and flirt like teenagers.
You might not be able to act on it, but knowing that you both have a lasting commitment to make each other feel desired is a true reflection of two peoples devotion.
Now, how do I petition for flirting and anticipation to be added into marriage vows?
If you ghost, you’re disrespectful. If you’re honest, they just keep dangling the carrot hoping you’ll bite.
Unfortunately for me, I’m wired to bite. I need the last word. I won’t back down from a fight and this is built in stone. I have a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush and I consider my ability to weave words together to create a harmony of sweet and sting one of my greatest strengths. (On paper at least, I’m much less eloquent face to face).
But herein lies the problem. Men don’t like to be rejected. Heck, nobody likes to be rejected. Yet, the world makes out that it’s women that become the crazy bunny boilers and men are nonchalant. But in my experience, and I have been the crazy one on several occasions, men take it much harder than women.
This post isn’t designed to berate any particular gender, but I have no doubt that someone may be triggered if they happen to read this and I really don’t mean to do that; I’m reminded about the time FD triggered me many months ago by saying ‘If she’s single and fit, she’s crazy’ and my equally slandering retort of ‘If he’s single and fit, he’s an Alpha Pussy’.
And you might be wondering why I’m jumping on my soapbox about this?
One of my old ‘boyfriends’ The Pilot will not let me just drive off into the sunset in peace. I’ve made my position very clear about looking for something more than casual (dude, step up or step away) and despite us very clearly being on different pages of very different books, he continues to bait me. And when I don’t take the bait (and by this I mean ignore him), he throws a hissy fit.
When I do reply in kind, he sees that as a reason to push his boundaries and completely ignore mine. I should just continue to ignore him and let him have his man-paddy, but I respect people and ghosting is just not my style. Is this because I have a built-in need to please people? Or am I respectful? Blocking people is a very last resort for me because I do value connections that I have made with people. I’m not saying we’d be friends in the traditional sense though, so maybe I should re-consider my criteria for blocking? Or at least explore why I’m so reluctant to block?
Yesterday, The Pilot and I texted more in one day than we have the whole year. All because he doesn’t want to lose his booty call. Or at least, that’s what I think. And the reality is, even if I did want something casual, I’ve found that in Mr Big who is local and, quite frankly, scores way higher on the ‘Fuck Buddy-O-Metre’.
And I know a mans ego is a fragile thing and this is perhaps why I try and let down the Menz gently. It never works though. You gotta burn the bridge or they just keep trying. And trying. And t r y i n g!!
And the world wonders why women fear saying no and why ‘I have a Boyfriend’ is the only effective way of getting a guy off your back.
I think the whole point of this post though was that no matter which side of the rejection fence you are on…giving or receiving, the whole thing sucks!
Is it better to be a heartbreaker? Or be the one broken?
If ever this secret blog was discovered by any of the subjects I write about, I would be mortified. Not because I’m ashamed per se, but who would want to read the naked truth of our situation? Or read how crazy I really am. Or in the case of some, how brutally honest I have been about them.
If it was me being bought to life in words for the blogging world to see by somebody else, I think I would die from humiliation alone. But I’d definitely bring it up. So, just in case I am discovered by any of the men in my life, past or present…Hi!
The reason I’m writing that is because I have told GG about the blog! I’ve not given him a link or a name (hell to the no-effing-way am I that brave) but I’ve shared that I blog as an outlet to let my crazy out and put it down on paper. I said I might read him an example one day and he said OK. He’s not pushed it.
Why did I tell him? GG and I had a proper date at last. Well. A proper date under COVID….food, booze, games and a sleepover. He bought the food, booze, chocolate, even an Easter egg!! All I did was get a little loose-tongued after downing half a bottle of Malibu and a few Tequila shots (self-medicine for not getting the dream job) and provide a bed to sleep in. The booze was only there for losing the games we played but I clearly didn’t understand the rules. Or care for them tbh.
GG spent the night, we cuddled, made-out a little. We didn’t go all the way, despite us both wanting to, especially the next morning. Neither of us seemed in any rush and so we both just spent the morning laughing, cuddling, exploring, eating and sipping tea.
Before he left he asked me when he could see me again, and made it very clear that 2 weeks was too long to wait. The next night my plans changed, I booked a holiday (please COVID gods, I need some sun 🤞🏻🤞🏻) and watched a movie instead of hanging out with friends on zoom for a games night. I also got a new cat this week (more on this in another post) but if it wasn’t for this cat, I’d have been over his place and I’d be writing this post from his bed instead. I’m at that point where I want to spend more time with him but equally I don’t want to go and give him all my free time. This is a fine balancing act because I really do value my independence and I’ll only give it up for someone really special.
So, I am fully in camp GG. I’m still not fully crushing on him though as there’s still something missing, but whatever that is, I’m at a point where I’m willing to find it. Or at least try. And even if it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious or long-term, it’s nice to remember that I don’t have to be a sexual goddess to keep a man interested. Or rather I am more interesting than what I can do in the bedroom.
And anybody who says two weeks is too long to see me again, having witnessed the mess that comes with downing half a litre of Malibu and copious tequila shots, is a keeper!
I am at my most comfortable when I am led by logic. I am an emotional being, but truthfully I don’t really express my emotions. Well, that’s not true. I cry when I’m sad, I clench my fists when I’m angry, I blow hot air when I’m frustrated, I get the internal inferno in the pit of my stomach when I get jealous. I laugh when I find something funny and I smile when I am happy. No hang on, I smile no matter what. I feel positive when I’m happy. That’s more appropriate.
But my head overrides all of those emotions. What I mean by that, for example, is that when I cry, I give myself a set amount of time. I plan crying into my routine. And when that timer goes off, I dry my tears and I let logic brain take over. When I am frustrated, I let it alllll out, the steam is almost visible out of my ears and the red-headed side of me takes over. Again, its short-lived and once I have blown my hot air, the frustration subsides and I go on about my day. I am constantly trying to rationalise my emotions. Always asking ‘why do I feel this way‘ and whilst I do allow myself to feel, I don’t allow myself to dwell. I’ve always considered this a healthy way of dealing with it, not that I know how to deal with my emotions any other way, but for me, giving myself protected time to feel and express emotions means that for the rest of my day, week, month, I am a well-rounded human being.
The problem comes though, when I am unable to rationalise my emotions. And I’m slowly figuring out that when I can’t rationalise my emotions, it is because I have failed to speak my truth. And what happen’s when I don’t speak my truth? I dwell, I spiral. I become so fixated on the feeling that the situation brings, I cannot think of anything else, an this mostly applies to anything remotely related to a romantic feeling. I think because I don’t feel crushes on people very often, I don’t know how to process the emotion. I’m not competent in this aspect of my life because it occurs so infrequently, and giving myself protected time to feel a crush doesn’t work. FD was proof of this. And I didn’t speak my truth. I didn’t say ‘Hey, I like you and I would like to get to know you more, as more than a platonic friend‘. Instead, I let my actions do the talking, which in hindsight, may not have been enough. Or maybe it was and FD was just dense, but whichever, I got a big old dose of rejection.
I find the same thing happening with Mr Big because I am not speaking my truth. On reflection, at the point we started chatting, I got carried away in the excitement of a crush being into me. I was licking my very rejected wounds that had been opened by FD and allowed myself to be led by my attraction for Mr Big, the short-lived state of loneliness I was feeling and my sudden lady boner. And all this in spite of the fact the logic in me, the brain screaming at me that he is most definitely, absolutely, 100% a bad idea. 1. We work together (the whole reason why I have never acted on my crush in the first place). 2. The offer on the table is absolutely not what I want at this point in my life (being single is way more fulfilling than being in a state of ‘He likes me, but only enough to take my clothes off‘ and constantly wondering why I’m not valued higher). 3. He didn’t return swipe (there could be a number of reasons why) 4. History has taught me that I can’t crush on someone and come out of that with a happy ending (seriously, as few as there have been, all my crushes have been unrequited loves).
I can’t remember why I started writing this.
Oh yeah. Speaking my Truth. I was reading another blog post about strength vs happiness and how sometimes we fixate on being strong for fear of being vulnerable that we don’t realise that we are the own cause of our unhappiness. In that example, it was about completely removing an ex from the picture. But in my case, I’m using strength to get through a problem at the expense of my own happiness. I’m so busy trying to show how I’m this sexual goddess who does what she wants when she wants and makes no apologies for it (most of the time I am) but it isn’t making me happy. It didn’t make me happy with Captain A (took me 18 months to figure this out) It wasn’t that much fun with The Pilot (took me 10 months to figure that out). Both of those two were strangers though. I didn’t know them. I didn’t have an established relationship with them. I didn’t have the potential to run into them at work. It’s taken me all of 3 ‘dates’ to own up to the unhappiness of this situation with Mr Big. There is a plus side to all of this; I am clearly learning from my experiences. But the downside is that the sexy stuff, as great as it is, is just not fulfilling the needs I want and am quite clearly ready for.
I haven’t really heard from Mr Big in the last two weeks. This is by design, as I asked him to give me some space to prep for a big interview I have coming up. By and large he has kept his word, except for the one time where he sent me some smut and I called him out for distracting me. It would be nice to receive ‘Hope the prep is going well, I’m rooting for you at interview‘ or ‘Can’t wait to celebrate with you‘ because positive vibes is more or less equal to it happening in real life. (Mostly, not in my dating life though, duh). But, although I have asked for that space, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have probably spent more time thinking about the situation fantasising about what could be with Mr Big than I have on anything to with this interview. What the other side of this? If Gamer Geek had gone 2 weeks without saying hi, or without some encouragement and support for my big day, then I would have already cut him off. Brutal with one, totally pathetic with the other. All is NOT fair in love and war.
And it’s too late to do anything about it now, the Interview is Thursday; I’m not going to see Mr Big. And I need a face to face to speak my truth, rather than send reams of text over the Insta DM’s. So here’s my plan.
1) Confess my epic Tinder Fail to him. 2) Share that I have had a crush on him for a while. 3) Explain how I was led my emotions rather than the logic when we decided on what this was. 3) Assume that what I am saying may come as a surprise to him. 4) Give him the space and opportunity to digest what I have said.
I realise I have numbered a lot of things in this post, as if making lists will help me climb out the shambles of my life. But lists are what keep me honest. Like little personal milestones.
So wish me luck! And if you are wrestling with an internal struggle, ask yourself if you are choosing strength over happiness, and if the answer is yes, then I urge you to speak your truth too!
Let’s rewind and cast your mind back to Roaring 20’s, Boring 20’s where I made a huge list of New Year Realisations with the aim of being able to keep to at least one of them. As somebody who keeps herself accountable on all levels, let’s take 10 minutes to review.
1) Read a minimum of 12 books (once a month, not hard) – Well, I managed The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown in January. I started on Thomas Harris’s Silence of the Lambs in February but didn’t make it past the first chapter. As for March…. meh! But! I have spent an extraordinary amount of time researching (see 4).
2) Write 500 words before bed every evening (except Sundays. And Mondays. And Wednesdays). Ok fine, 500 words twice per week. – So let’s do some maths. It has been 10 weeks since we barrel-rolled into 2021. That means I should have at least 20 new blogs and the cumulative word count for those blogs should be 10000 or more. How many blogs have I written? 20 ✅ How many words? 15473 ✅. I am super super proud that I have met this one!
3) Continue spiritual and personal growth to feed the soul by connecting more with friends and family. – I have no idea what I even meant by this, perhaps I should have expanded. But I have been keeping on top of the chores which in turn is leading to better mental space for me. I have seen more of family this year than I did the whole of 2020. And I have definitely been more involved with my friends. Not necessarily seeing them, but keeping in touch more and reaching out more.
4) Feed my need to know things; continue to explore the world and how to help it through documentaries, news articles, published papers etc and look into taking a new class in Human Factors and Cognitive Bias. – So I have not take a new class. Yet. There’s still 9 months of the year left but I have been doing a lot of research on DNA techniques to differentiate between Twins, reading up a lot of papers regarding the performance and standards of the National Crime Agency and I have watched two documentaries on how severe weather poses a threat to the Earth and what we should do about it now.
5) Hike once a month with a 5km minimum walk once a week (checking off 100 greatest walks of GB). Those glutes will thank you babe (and so will he). – what is a hike? 10km? 10 miles? Doesn’t matter, I slayed both! And my glutes get all the glory from both Mr Big and GG 😉
6) Finish all the small little jobs left to do in the house. Renovation is a pain but so rewarding when the job is finally done. (Plus, do you want to be embarrassed??!) –Not even started. I got a name and a number. But my high functioning anxiety doesn’t seem to want to let me ring this person just to get quotes. Me and tradespeople just aren’t meant to be. So I’ll wait until I have a man and then he can help with this. Solid plan. Beside, they all want to be our hero don’t they?!
7) Chores are for rainy days. (Seriously, if the sun is shining, get your butt outside!) – wasn’t really a realisation, more of a reminder to continue. I did wash the car on one unseasonable sunny warm day. So technically I haven’t kept to this. Or have I?
8) Keep a diary to keep me honest with my realisations and create a vision board to see it all – Epic fail. Swiftly moving on.
9) Reduce screen time by 50% (Hahahahaha). – THIS! I have managed to reduce my screen time down by 25%! In a lockdown. Amazing. Not quite 50% but still, a win of epic proportions!
10) Continue to focus on nutrition and overall body health. – I’ve lost 1 stone since the start of January. That’s the equivalent of 6kg through a mix of exercise and eating good food. I have 15 minutes a day of MadFit to thank for this (Youtube, go check her out)
The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!
I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!
Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.
I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.
And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.
Brain: fucking slut!
There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.
Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.
Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.
So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!