Self Sabotage?

Boyfriend no.3 and I finally went to bed together.


We had a really lovely evening of food and cocktails, and we planned afterwards to watch a movie at mine. We made it through the whole thing. Then I said he could stay over. Then we went to bed. I was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen. He agreed it wouldn’t.

And then it did. Because apparently I need validation and because he is actually a typical man who can’t ‘lie next a beautiful woman and just cuddle’! And so began an hour (maybe less) of what I can only describe as rabbit sex.

It was exactly what I expected. No compatibility, I gave him some cues which he found difficult to follow or maintain (or just didn’t give a shit).

I was pinned into some very unusual positions which did nothing for me. Eventually I climbed on top and rode myself to climax. He didn’t cum. I cleaned myself up, went to sleep and the next morning I felt like shit because I really didn’t want it happen, he knew I didn’t want it to happen but somehow I ended up instigating the most mundane sex of my life.

But worse than that, I woke up feeling like I had cheated on boyfriend no.1. I felt guilty over a guy who can’t string along two text messages.

Honest to god, I’m a train wreck. No wonder I’m single!

Honesty is the Best Policy

So boyfriend no.1 and boyfriend no.3 now know about each other. Warts and all. Ok well maybe not quite to that level. But I’ve been finding it really hard to manage the whole situation and I was starting to feel a little cornered. So like a grown up, I explained to both of them that they wasn’t my only love interest and there was somebody else in my life.

And their reactions were equally confusing.

Boyfriend no.1 has always talked about how monogamy is not natural. I agree with this to some degree but probably borne out of naivety and from experience. But seriously? How do two people remain satisfied with each other and meet each other’s needs for an entire lifetime? However when I bought this up (I went to see him) he didn’t really have a lot to say about it, yet his body stiffened and I sensed he was uncomfortable with it which doesn’t really make any sense. ‘Ok, thanks for telling me’ summed up the entire conversation. Our dates are becoming much more frequent though now despite the distance between us!

Boyfriend No.3 responded amazingly and was really supportive. ‘I can’t say I’m not jealous, because I am, you are amazing, but we’re single so there’s no rules here. But remember I do like you a lot and I’d still like to date you and continue to get to know you better’

I’m not sure what kind of response I was expecting. I expected them both to be kinda furious, I know I would be if a guy told me I was one of two women he was dating. And then I wondered why? I’d consider myself a fairly confident person, but I’m full of insecurities. Like most women I suppose. I’d be thinking what does she have that I don’t? Who’s the best kisser? Who makes the best lover? Who has set up the best date. I think it would send me into a spin and if I’m honest I’d bail out.

So who will bail out first No.1 or No.3?

Self Discovery

I’ve always thought myself reasonably self aware. I wouldn’t say I have me down to tea, because there is always room for improvement. But I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I can’t get passed D the Pilot, even though I know he doesn’t offer me what I want and 2) D the dustman is everything I could possibly want or need in a partner and yet I just can’t feel the attraction, he is perfect friend zone material. What a cliché!

But seriously, why? What is it about non-committal men that is so attractive to me? Why don’t I find the guys who want to commit attractive?

And Bingo! The lightbulb went on…I don’t want to commit. You remember that whole self aware thing? Yeah? I already know I’m selfish, I’m ambitious, I’m career driven, I’m a go getter, I have high standards, not willing to settle, blah blah blah! But actually, I’ve learned I am ambivalent! I have an avoidant attachment type, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached. With the right person I am a real romantic, but it requires effort and I’m yet to find a man I want to put in the effort for.

So that is why the guy who doesn’t show any signs of any form of commitment gets me pumped. I know he’s not going to take me away from my busy active routine. I know he’s going to be available on the odd occasion I am horny. I won’t have to date him, and go out in public and possibly have to acknowledge him to people I know. The effort isn’t needed.

Red Flags

I told boyfriend no.1 I was going on a date, and he was unsure how he felt. I’ve always taken the stunted comm’s between us as a result of of how busy we both are, but actually RED FLAG, this is how the conversation went…

‘I don’t get a say do I?

Me: ‘Well, no. Not right now, but I’d be open to a discussion about it. Do you want to have a say?’

‘I just want you to be happy’

I couldn’t think of what to reply so I’ve left him on read. That was 5 days ago.

Then Boyfriend number 3 has been throwing out the red flags left, right and centre!

Constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how he has feelings for me and sending me very sappy messages.

He says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t do it … ‘I’m going to bed, good night, chat tomoz’ 1 hr later ‘I’m watching football’ I am a football coach, I understand how important football is. I do not need you to lie to me. Claims to be an amazing cook, but is always eating takeout. ???? Saying I’m not bothered about the the pubs opening, and on day 1 was in the pub!

He has four children, he sees them once a week but blames the break-up of his previous relationship because she couldn’t cope with how often he saw his kids and they could never spend any time together. Ummm, what?!

On our last date, when I was distracted, he would snap photos of me with silly filters. I’m not on snapchat. And we are not a couple!

Drinks. A LOT. See pub. And does so to cover a host insecurities. Talking of which, constantly needs reassuring that I’m into him, or want to see him and I’m already getting bored of it!

We went to pick up a Chinese one evening and whilst in town I bumped into a friend who was with two others. D went off to the bank. I didn’t know them, but they knew D. ‘Are you the new girlfriend then?’ ‘Me? No!’ When I asked D why they might think he had a girlfriend, he couldn’t explain and said he hadn’t told anybody he had a girlfriend and nobody in my town would know. As we rounded the corner back, the same woman was there. Turns out, it’s his next door neighbour!

Invites himself to my house regularly, but never invites me over to his!

I know I don’t owe him anything, but we are supposed to be going out for dinner this weekend. Now that I have typed this all out, I’m not interested in pursuing this any further. Do I feign illness? Or just explain that I have tried to match his enthusiasm but can’t. And should I point out the red flags?

Broken Halo

Boyfriend number 3 and I have been chatting for a good couple of months. We’ve dated and I’ve always felt there was something missing. There was no great spark, you know? No butterflies. No fanny flutters. Just nice.

He is constantly telling me I am beautiful though, and what girl doesn’t love to hear that. Um hello! So I have stayed with it because we agreed in the beginning that I wasn’t interested in anything and that the only thing on offer was friendship. However this week, things took a turn and my sappy giant turned the conversation into something a lot less PG. I’d been avoiding this. Not because I’m a prude. Or because I had at sexting, but just because I didn’t want sex to be the hook (for a change). But I’ve never been the golden girl and so D and I exchanged some pretty filthy ideas over the course of the afternoon.

And I’m really confused about how I feel? At the time, I was a little hot under the collar. OK a lot! But when the fun subsides, I still don’t fancy him? Or do I? Arghhhhhh

So… am I attracted to him? Or the written word. How do I know? Is there a word for somebody who gets turned on by reading and not physically? Omg is there something wrong with me?

Boyfriend No.1

I uploaded a new picture onto WhatsApp. It’s the fucking bee’s knee’s let me tell you! Stick it on the front cover of any magazine and they’d fly off the shelves. And so naturally, everybody starts in with the messages ‘great photo’, ‘hot 😍’ ‘stunning’ or just plain 😈

Boyfriend No.1 (R) says ‘sexy photo’. Now because I know we have both discussed the need to be non-casual, I explain that I was aiming for a 90’s sitcom with pose. His reply is ‘it’s awesome’.

That! Is the sum total of our conversation over the entire weekend.

Man Down Let Down

So boyfriend number 2 and I called time on our brief affair. I don’t use the term affair in the literal sense, neither of us have partners, but it was fast and hot and seductive right from the beginning. After offering him to be his taxi for the evening, he declined because I was a let down. And I have to agree. After giving it some thought, I was never giving it a lot of effort or putting the time in, because it seemed to only ever have casual stamped all over it. So I explained that I wasn’t interested in casual, and he didn’t match my enthusiasm for anything more, citing work commitments blah blah blah. I am a single mum with a career and I work shifts and I know all about work commitments, but I do have the flexibility to find time in my schedule for somebody who is special to me. D the Pilot isn’t that person and so I wished him well. He is still expecting me to booty call him..can somebody explain why guys insist on ignoring your boundaries?

Well that lasted long!

So here’s the truth, I’m rubbish at sticking to a hobby. I have a keyboard, a guitar, an encyclopaedia of aeroplanes a book of birds all gathering dust which with attest to me being a hobby hobbyist. And this blog was another example of starting something and never finishing it! I have talked about A from the beginning, and whilst that is quite a story to tell and I do not believe it has ended yet, I want to talk about current events in my life because I’m struggling to make sense of anything! I’m probably going to write two posts though about my current scenario and that’ll be it, so don’t expect great things!

Too Many Choices

You ever been to a restaurant and been unable to decide on what to eat because the restaurant has too many good choices and you’re just so hungry?

Well that’s my relationship status at the moment!

I have 4 boyfriends. So OK, boyfriend seems like a strong word but ‘interested parties’ sounds lame. Suitors? A bit old fashioned. Prospects? It’s not a job. Options? Too impersonal.

I’m sticking with boyfriends. They have no idea about each other, and on top of this I have a huge crush on a guy I know through football training. Thing you should know about me is that I rarely develop a crush on somebody who has actual potential. Examples of my crushes are Elvis or J-Lo, the random stranger who held the door open for me, my married boss who is TWICE my age. Never on a man who is around my age, a single dad, a man who laughs at my jokes and not at me. A man who takes their time to say hello and chat. Oh no! That would be too real. But here I am, for only the third time in my life, having a ‘realistic’ crush! He just doesn’t know it. And that’s a story for another time, because I currently have 4 boyfriends and I need to get this sorted first.

Boyfriend No.1; R is a pilot. He lives in London, doesn’t have children. He’s tall, dark, handsome and we have the most random conversations. We met a few years back on a dating site and have always been fond of each other but his job and being away made seeing each other really hard meaning we ended up in this sort of hook up relationship. Naturally I met someone else and that ended. However around Christmas last year, R got in touch and being recently single, I thought hey why not. Nothing has changed, he still lives in London, he still travels a lot, and we have still ended up hooking up, which I was clear I didn’t want. He agreed it wasn’t what he wanted either but long distance is hard when the conversation is one liners at best. But the sex is good and I’m always ever hopeful!

Boyfriend No.2; D is also a pilot. He lives local, doesn’t have children. He’s dark and handsome, not so much tall but he can talk and he will ask me about things going on in my life. When we are together. It’s a bit hit and miss when we are not and we haven’t moved past the ‘DM’s’ into exchanging numbers. But whatever, some people are weird right? And I dig weird. Whilst I wouldn’t say I fancied him immediately, there’s something about him that I can’t shake, and he’s really gotten under my skin. We seem to be in sync in the bedroom, having similar outlooks in life too. Real potential, but not sure if he’s looking for a casual thing, which I made clear I wasn’t.

Boyfriend No.3; D is a Bin Man. A dustman. I cannot fluff that up, even garden waste disposal engineer sounds like shit. And I am not knocking the job, I’m no snob, it’s honest work and to be perfectly honest sounds like a right lark which compared to my job makes me very jealous. Doug has 4 children, lives local, he tall, dark, handsome-ish (see a theme here) and rates off the scale with regards to communication. Anyhow, Doug and I went on a date about 3 years ago. We got chatting on that very famous dating site, not tinder, the other one but the date actually came after I saw him on a night out. He tracked me down and found me on instagram, after exchanging some messages, we went on a date. Urgh! There was no spark, no convo, I didn’t fancy him. Aside from the steak and wine, it was rubbish! So rubbish, he went back to his wife! Anyway, fast forward 3 years later, and D is almost divorced and back in my DM’s, things have taken off from there. D is very sweet. Very very very sweet. A sap I guess. And on one hand it’s quite endearing, the other it’s just plain annoying. Telling me you like me 3 times in a row or hinting you want to see me in 4 messages is a bit much. And maybe it’s a confidence thing because I don’t get that when we are together. We’ve had 4 dates (1 online) and things are going well. I just don’t have the urge to jump into bed with him & so I can’t rate compatibility there, but we’ve kissed and it has been nice enough. I think I already know my answer but something isn’t letting me go.

Boyfriend No.4; A is fit as fuck. Off the scale fit as fuck and he fancies me! He’s pure filth and honestly, there would only be hot kinky sex between us, but damn, that boy is fine. We exchange messages, never met although we had planned to earlier in the year and then lockdown happened. So the next plan was August but I’m away for the weekend which is bloody typical! I am under no illusion this is purely physical and honestly, he is just an itch to scratch. But we’ve known each other for such a long time, I think I’d kick myself for not sampling the goods!

So there you have it. 4 boyfriends, who are not actually boyfriends. None of them I overtly fancy, I’ve just gone with the flow but they’ve all gotten under my skin in some way. And now I’m facing a Dilemma of choices. It’s just like the menu, I have too many options and I don’t know how to choose. I could probably whittle it down to 2 (I think) but then still, how do I choose between the two?