Remember?….

Way back when I first started this blog, my inspiration came from the love of my life. I mean he was a total jack ass and it didn’t work out. I had no way of letting out my emotions though, so I thought writing about it would help. I didn’t stick it out. I think I made two posts about it and then forgot all about it and eventually empowered myself through music and good old fashioned will power.

However we met while we both had partners and the inevitable happened, we drifted apart. Mainly because he wasn’t satisfied with a girlfriend and a side chick….turns out I was one of many.

At the time I was head over heels for this idiot and genuinely thought I had met my equal. He could match me in all aspects of my life, he was funny, smart, career focussed, handsome, tall and dynamite in the bedroom. We rarely came up for air!

I spent a long long LONG time being angry. Angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Angry at myself for being a fool. A mug. I mean of course this guy wasn’t going to be faithful…he already wasn’t. Anger soon turned to guilt as I realised just how his poor gf would feel if she found out. She did eventually.

And I have been living with the guilt since then. Guilty for being the cause of my family break up. Guilty for being part of the cycle of this knobhead and contributing to the hurt. Guilty at not being enough for him urgh! Guilty for gliding through life, not seeing the colours and guilty for not seeing other opportunities around me.

During lockdown, there hasn’t been a lot to do, other than think. And one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel angry or guilty anymore. Closure is a strange thing. People will tell you that closure can only come from yourself and I agree, to some extent. But I also believe you can’t get closure without doing some work. It’s a bit like the 12 step programme in addiction, and I have been withdrawing for 3 years.

So I reached out. Yes I was curious to know what had happened to him and some very small part of me still wishes things had turned out differently, but mainly I wanted to wish him well. And if I could do that without the jealous rage and inferno erupting inside the pit of my stomach, I’d know I was truly moved on. And so a quick message to him hoping he was safe and his family was well was all it took.

He was surprised of course. Think my last message to him was more along the lines of ‘Go fuck yourself and die’ I think I also thought about vandalising his car Carrie Underwood style.

He told me he still thinks about me and that we were great together. He hasn’t apologised or admitted any wrong-doing (not that I expect him to) but for the first time I’ve stopped playing the victim and held up my hands to my own misgivings. I was never really present, only ever enjoying the way he made me feel. I never opened up, acting stoic to prevent the walls tumbling down. I would ignore him or rant at him, rarely talk to him. I’d use big words to try and belittle him because I had zero control. I made it clear from the start of our relationship I was only after a physical relationship and I kept the pretence up, even when I knew my heart wanted something else. When the lust didn’t go away and the love took over, it was too late and I was heartbroken and have been ever since.

The funny thing is, even through all the hurt and pain, the ups and downs, the rough and the smooth, I still think of him fondly. He’s happy now in a new relationship and I am genuinely happy for him. Not jealous, not bitter, not indifferent. I’m pleased that despite all I remember, I want only the best for him. Some might say that I’m the definition of a fool, the victim of a narcissist, gaslighted. I probably am, but I’ve also been in love and if wishing the best for someone you once loved is wrong, then I’m wrong, but I’m also free of any negative emotions and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I got to experience real love in my lifetime and I think that is a wonderful thing.

Playing with fire

Stealing glances in a wood, quick romances like a drug

Looking good enough to eat, I can barely breathe

Then you kiss me, my body rises high

My soul has learned to fly, baby I don’t want to die

Cuz your trouble guaranteed, so I risk it all to feel seventeen

I know I’m playing with fire, can’t help this selfish desire

Not seeing through the clouds, baby I’m not proud

But I’m addicted to you and the magic you do

Suddenly I’m dead, don’t bring me down with a thud

This false happiness is invisible like gas

I’m out of control, I know I’m gonna fall

Baby keep me guessing, gliding along your ecstasy

Intuitive or Inventive?

I’ve always considered my gut to be spot on. I’ve never been an outwardly feeling type of person (blame years of emotional neglect as a child) but I definitely feel the vibes of other people in my stomach. I am a quick judge of character and 99.9% of the time I am right and I can sense when somebody is a good person, or just a bit of a tool without much of anything really.

Or so I thought. I watched some chick flicks last night… one of which was ‘he’s just not that into you’ it was hilarious, but the film starts out by saying how girls always come up with an excuse for a guy when the reality is he’s just not that interested. A guy who is interested will move. Will chase. Will communicate. Will ask you questions. Wants to get to know you. Yes, sex is always a draw but, but the focus is you. He’ll want to be close to you. Touch you. Lean into you. Text you. Talk to you.

I’ve been tying myself up in knots over boyfriend no.1. After seeing him last week, he came with flowers – Roses (because I was having a bad week) wine, which is standard for him and we had this weird kinky baby thing, which I’ve since established was just a primal thing. I like him. I’m not too far into it where if I pulled back I’d be gutted or heartbroken, but I’m heading that way. He lives in London and works way too much so seeing each other always feels like a military plan. He keeps saying he will be working out of Bham soon and then I won’t get rid of him. So I’m being patient. I have been patient since earlier in the year. Throughout a pandemic and now I have to be more patient?

I guess I’m struggling to balance the need for patience against my own needs for emotional comfort, security, love. My gut tells me he’s a good guy, with good intentions. Yes I always knew it would be a slow burner but Dude!! We’ve known each other for 3 years, we don’t need to go slower.

And why should I have to wait until Bham for him to shower me with time anyway? He could find the time now (and I don’t mean travelling to see me) but a phone call? FaceTime video? Is this not basic stuff?

My gut still tells me to be patient with this one but I’m starting to wonder if I am just forcing it? When does intuition just become you inventing a reality or fantasy you hope for?

So back to my checklist;

He will move? Yep he travels from London to see me (way too much effort for a booty call) but then travelling is his life as a pilot, so an hours train journey probably isn’t too much trouble?

He will chase? Sort Of! He will initiate the conversation via WhatsApp but won’t call or FaceTime. He always wants to arrange the next time we see each other

He will communicate: Nah. It’s great when we are together, he talks about his family (esp his mum) and his friends. But the in between times are dead.

Will ask you questions? Nope.

Wants to get to know you? Not seen much of that

Wants to touch, be close? Only after sex

I really think I need to do some work on my gut, because Girl, He’s just not that into You!

Honesty is the best policy…cont

So my prediction was wrong. Boyfriend no.1 has stuck it out. Whereas boyfriend no.3 hasn’t only ghosted me, he’s packed up his things and moved away!!

He’s gone from telling me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me to ‘I don’t want to talk to you & I now live nowhere near’. For the life of me I don’t understand. And I don’t really need to because I wasn’t all that into in him anyway and quite frankly good riddance, but I guess I can’t comprehend the behaviour. He made it clear he can’t be in love with someone who is seeing two people. Fully accepted mate, but then WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH ME?! Whatever.

Anyway. Finally back down to 1 boyfriend. But this whole process got me thinking. I’m so adaptable to whatever change is going on in my life I rarely stop to process my feelings or emotions. So here goes:

I made it clear at the start with B3 that I wasn’t interested, that I still had feelings for somebody else and that there was unfinished business (referring to B1). But despite this B3 has bombarded me with affection, attention and sweet nothings for 3 solid months & now he’s complaining I hurt him, ghosted and ran away. The last time we dated he went back to his wife. And the girl he was seeing before he started chatting to me? Also love bombed with flowers and affection which is all over social media. I think there’s a pattern emerging? Should I have recognised this sooner?

I am mad y’all! Livid in fact. At him for being the the absolute typical bloke I expected him to be and for his behaviour and just general disrespect. But mostly at myself. Because I’ve been here so many times before and I really should have recognised his behaviour. Instead I have ended up being the mug, which is especially doubly worse because I wasn’t all that interested in the first place.

So I guess I have a wounded ego, and perhaps that’s the real issue. If I’m an 8 on the 1-10 scale, I got played by a fucking 3!

Hey, introspection works Yo!

Mixing Business with Pleasure

Do we agree that you should never mix business with pleasure??

I crush on people at work all the time. Most notably my big boss. It comes and goes, usually after a dream and I would never ever act on it 1) because he is happily married and 2) he’s twice my age.

However there is a guy who is near my age who is single and he flirts with me all the time. Nothing really obvious, just lots of work place banter and the odd reply to my insta stories. He jokes all the time and last year on a night out, the conversation took a major turn. Thankfully as part of a group so we all just laughed it off. I think he’s possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met and I actually really fancy him.

So, I downloaded Tinder (for the first time ever) because I know he’s on Tinder in the hopes I would find him because I can anonymously tell him I’m interested by swiping right. If the feeling isn’t mutual and we don’t match, I know where I stand without him knowing I’m keen. I thought this was clever (my friend says I’m a stalker, but she’s happily married, what does she know). Anyway, I found him!! It took me a day and almost as long to swipe right because I’m a real ball of anxiety.

And now I wait…..

Self Sabotage?

Boyfriend no.3 and I finally went to bed together.

Meh

We had a really lovely evening of food and cocktails, and we planned afterwards to watch a movie at mine. We made it through the whole thing. Then I said he could stay over. Then we went to bed. I was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen. He agreed it wouldn’t.

And then it did. Because apparently I need validation and because he is actually a typical man who can’t ‘lie next a beautiful woman and just cuddle’! And so began an hour (maybe less) of what I can only describe as rabbit sex.

It was exactly what I expected. No compatibility, I gave him some cues which he found difficult to follow or maintain (or just didn’t give a shit).

I was pinned into some very unusual positions which did nothing for me. Eventually I climbed on top and rode myself to climax. He didn’t cum. I cleaned myself up, went to sleep and the next morning I felt like shit because I really didn’t want it happen, he knew I didn’t want it to happen but somehow I ended up instigating the most mundane sex of my life.

But worse than that, I woke up feeling like I had cheated on boyfriend no.1. I felt guilty over a guy who can’t string along two text messages.

Honest to god, I’m a train wreck. No wonder I’m single!

Honesty is the Best Policy

So boyfriend no.1 and boyfriend no.3 now know about each other. Warts and all. Ok well maybe not quite to that level. But I’ve been finding it really hard to manage the whole situation and I was starting to feel a little cornered. So like a grown up, I explained to both of them that they wasn’t my only love interest and there was somebody else in my life.

And their reactions were equally confusing.

Boyfriend no.1 has always talked about how monogamy is not natural. I agree with this to some degree but probably borne out of naivety and from experience. But seriously? How do two people remain satisfied with each other and meet each other’s needs for an entire lifetime? However when I bought this up (I went to see him) he didn’t really have a lot to say about it, yet his body stiffened and I sensed he was uncomfortable with it which doesn’t really make any sense. ‘Ok, thanks for telling me’ summed up the entire conversation. Our dates are becoming much more frequent though now despite the distance between us!

Boyfriend No.3 responded amazingly and was really supportive. ‘I can’t say I’m not jealous, because I am, you are amazing, but we’re single so there’s no rules here. But remember I do like you a lot and I’d still like to date you and continue to get to know you better’

I’m not sure what kind of response I was expecting. I expected them both to be kinda furious, I know I would be if a guy told me I was one of two women he was dating. And then I wondered why? I’d consider myself a fairly confident person, but I’m full of insecurities. Like most women I suppose. I’d be thinking what does she have that I don’t? Who’s the best kisser? Who makes the best lover? Who has set up the best date. I think it would send me into a spin and if I’m honest I’d bail out.

So who will bail out first No.1 or No.3?

Self Discovery

I’ve always thought myself reasonably self aware. I wouldn’t say I have me down to tea, because there is always room for improvement. But I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I can’t get passed D the Pilot, even though I know he doesn’t offer me what I want and 2) D the dustman is everything I could possibly want or need in a partner and yet I just can’t feel the attraction, he is perfect friend zone material. What a cliché!

But seriously, why? What is it about non-committal men that is so attractive to me? Why don’t I find the guys who want to commit attractive?

And Bingo! The lightbulb went on…I don’t want to commit. You remember that whole self aware thing? Yeah? I already know I’m selfish, I’m ambitious, I’m career driven, I’m a go getter, I have high standards, not willing to settle, blah blah blah! But actually, I’ve learned I am ambivalent! I have an avoidant attachment type, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached. With the right person I am a real romantic, but it requires effort and I’m yet to find a man I want to put in the effort for.

So that is why the guy who doesn’t show any signs of any form of commitment gets me pumped. I know he’s not going to take me away from my busy active routine. I know he’s going to be available on the odd occasion I am horny. I won’t have to date him, and go out in public and possibly have to acknowledge him to people I know. The effort isn’t needed.

Red Flags

I told boyfriend no.1 I was going on a date, and he was unsure how he felt. I’ve always taken the stunted comm’s between us as a result of of how busy we both are, but actually RED FLAG, this is how the conversation went…

‘I don’t get a say do I?

Me: ‘Well, no. Not right now, but I’d be open to a discussion about it. Do you want to have a say?’

‘I just want you to be happy’

I couldn’t think of what to reply so I’ve left him on read. That was 5 days ago.

Then Boyfriend number 3 has been throwing out the red flags left, right and centre!

Constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how he has feelings for me and sending me very sappy messages.

He says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t do it … ‘I’m going to bed, good night, chat tomoz’ 1 hr later ‘I’m watching football’ I am a football coach, I understand how important football is. I do not need you to lie to me. Claims to be an amazing cook, but is always eating takeout. ???? Saying I’m not bothered about the the pubs opening, and on day 1 was in the pub!

He has four children, he sees them once a week but blames the break-up of his previous relationship because she couldn’t cope with how often he saw his kids and they could never spend any time together. Ummm, what?!

On our last date, when I was distracted, he would snap photos of me with silly filters. I’m not on snapchat. And we are not a couple!

Drinks. A LOT. See pub. And does so to cover a host insecurities. Talking of which, constantly needs reassuring that I’m into him, or want to see him and I’m already getting bored of it!

We went to pick up a Chinese one evening and whilst in town I bumped into a friend who was with two others. D went off to the bank. I didn’t know them, but they knew D. ‘Are you the new girlfriend then?’ ‘Me? No!’ When I asked D why they might think he had a girlfriend, he couldn’t explain and said he hadn’t told anybody he had a girlfriend and nobody in my town would know. As we rounded the corner back, the same woman was there. Turns out, it’s his next door neighbour!

Invites himself to my house regularly, but never invites me over to his!

I know I don’t owe him anything, but we are supposed to be going out for dinner this weekend. Now that I have typed this all out, I’m not interested in pursuing this any further. Do I feign illness? Or just explain that I have tried to match his enthusiasm but can’t. And should I point out the red flags?

Broken Halo

Boyfriend number 3 and I have been chatting for a good couple of months. We’ve dated and I’ve always felt there was something missing. There was no great spark, you know? No butterflies. No fanny flutters. Just nice.

He is constantly telling me I am beautiful though, and what girl doesn’t love to hear that. Um hello! So I have stayed with it because we agreed in the beginning that I wasn’t interested in anything and that the only thing on offer was friendship. However this week, things took a turn and my sappy giant turned the conversation into something a lot less PG. I’d been avoiding this. Not because I’m a prude. Or because I had at sexting, but just because I didn’t want sex to be the hook (for a change). But I’ve never been the golden girl and so D and I exchanged some pretty filthy ideas over the course of the afternoon.

And I’m really confused about how I feel? At the time, I was a little hot under the collar. OK a lot! But when the fun subsides, I still don’t fancy him? Or do I? Arghhhhhh

So… am I attracted to him? Or the written word. How do I know? Is there a word for somebody who gets turned on by reading and not physically? Omg is there something wrong with me?