Way back when I first started this blog, my inspiration came from the love of my life. I mean he was a total jack ass and it didn’t work out. I had no way of letting out my emotions though, so I thought writing about it would help. I didn’t stick it out. I think I made two posts about it and then forgot all about it and eventually empowered myself through music and good old fashioned will power.
However we met while we both had partners and the inevitable happened, we drifted apart. Mainly because he wasn’t satisfied with a girlfriend and a side chick….turns out I was one of many.
At the time I was head over heels for this idiot and genuinely thought I had met my equal. He could match me in all aspects of my life, he was funny, smart, career focussed, handsome, tall and dynamite in the bedroom. We rarely came up for air!
I spent a long long LONG time being angry. Angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Angry at myself for being a fool. A mug. I mean of course this guy wasn’t going to be faithful…he already wasn’t. Anger soon turned to guilt as I realised just how his poor gf would feel if she found out. She did eventually.
And I have been living with the guilt since then. Guilty for being the cause of my family break up. Guilty for being part of the cycle of this knobhead and contributing to the hurt. Guilty at not being enough for him urgh! Guilty for gliding through life, not seeing the colours and guilty for not seeing other opportunities around me.
During lockdown, there hasn’t been a lot to do, other than think. And one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel angry or guilty anymore. Closure is a strange thing. People will tell you that closure can only come from yourself and I agree, to some extent. But I also believe you can’t get closure without doing some work. It’s a bit like the 12 step programme in addiction, and I have been withdrawing for 3 years.
So I reached out. Yes I was curious to know what had happened to him and some very small part of me still wishes things had turned out differently, but mainly I wanted to wish him well. And if I could do that without the jealous rage and inferno erupting inside the pit of my stomach, I’d know I was truly moved on. And so a quick message to him hoping he was safe and his family was well was all it took.
He was surprised of course. Think my last message to him was more along the lines of ‘Go fuck yourself and die’ I think I also thought about vandalising his car Carrie Underwood style.
He told me he still thinks about me and that we were great together. He hasn’t apologised or admitted any wrong-doing (not that I expect him to) but for the first time I’ve stopped playing the victim and held up my hands to my own misgivings. I was never really present, only ever enjoying the way he made me feel. I never opened up, acting stoic to prevent the walls tumbling down. I would ignore him or rant at him, rarely talk to him. I’d use big words to try and belittle him because I had zero control. I made it clear from the start of our relationship I was only after a physical relationship and I kept the pretence up, even when I knew my heart wanted something else. When the lust didn’t go away and the love took over, it was too late and I was heartbroken and have been ever since.
The funny thing is, even through all the hurt and pain, the ups and downs, the rough and the smooth, I still think of him fondly. He’s happy now in a new relationship and I am genuinely happy for him. Not jealous, not bitter, not indifferent. I’m pleased that despite all I remember, I want only the best for him. Some might say that I’m the definition of a fool, the victim of a narcissist, gaslighted. I probably am, but I’ve also been in love and if wishing the best for someone you once loved is wrong, then I’m wrong, but I’m also free of any negative emotions and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I got to experience real love in my lifetime and I think that is a wonderful thing.