FD #7 or is it #8?

At the very first second of the very first minute of the very first hour of the very first day that I was conscious of this 2021st year, I read the following words ‘Happy New Year Babes’.

And those four little words created an excitement in me that I just couldn’t contain. So much so, I told everybody who would listen about it…you guys, my lovely readers, my friends, my colleagues. Even my Mum and I don’t tell her anything (because she doesn’t need to know that her daughter is a hoe). And for anybody who doesn’t know the history of FD (Football Dad) then please view nearly all posts published between October and January. I then spent a good 6 weeks obsessing over his uncharacteristic pet name, despite the fact, as it turned out, that that was the end of his investment and effort in our ‘what could have been’ relationship.

And you might be wondering ‘why on earth is she re-hashing this old story? Bringing him up?’ Don’t worry, I can hear you all shouting ‘let it go, love!’

But the reason I am bringing it up is because I went back to football training tonight and as this is how we know each other, he was there. I saw him. Looking all fine in his shorts and t-shirt, flexing his muscly arms and winning smile. And instantly I remember why I crush on him. Damnit!

And of course he was keen to say hello, and crack a joke.

I was not so warm.

I promised myself I would be my usual friendly, chatty self. I wouldn’t let the humiliation affect my interaction with him. But I am not made that way. And truthfully, I was pissed. Pissed at him for showing up looking finer than Adonis himself. Pissed at him for being chatty and friendly like n o t h i n g has ever potentially happened between us. Pissed at him for not helping me with my balls. Pissed at him for smiling and forcing me to chat and hold his eye contact.

Just pissed.

And you know what I’m pissed at even more? Myself. For allowing the feelings of frustration and anger to seep in and not be indifferent to the whole thing like I so desperately wanted to be. I’m obviously not over it.

The good news is, I don’t feel the same intense level of crush on him. Yes, I’m attracted to him but I don’t feel like I want to act on it anymore. And added to that I found myself disliking some of the endearing qualities that initially attracted me to him, his ‘loud’ presence and his height. I’ve never ruled out any man because of his height but I’d 100% tower over him in my heels, so I’m latching onto that. And he’s updated his WhatsApp status to ‘Road Man’ and whilst it might be a joke, I 100% deserve better than a god damn road man, Nike kicks, sweat pants and puffer jackets are not what I want to be sat opposite when I’m sharing my hilarious stories over a Malibu and pineapple.

So that’s progress.

Hopefully, all of that will continue to slowly turn me off, and the fact we are in contact again, no matter how small, doesn’t start re-ignite the fire….but if anybody has any tips on turning my pissy feelings into cool indifference then I would love to hear them!

Also…note to self. Don’t tell Mum anything unless you want to hear ‘how’s things going with that guy from football?’ forever!!

Witty Title – Anticipation

There is one common factor in anything us humans enjoy which is….anticipation.

The pause between a joke and the punchline being delivered. The build-up to a long holiday weekend, the anticipatory wait between days before you get to spend time with your girls or the countdown to a foreign holiday. And nowhere does anticipation have its greatest effect than with sex.

Now you may argue that anticipation does not last when it comes to sex. I mean once you have bumped uglies, the intrigue is gone and you know what you have to look forward to. But anticipation doesn’t die as soon as you have sex, it just has to adjust slightly.

In my experience, building anticipation is one of the key ingredients to attraction. Flirting is dynamite and is highly underrated (louder for those in the back).

And I don’t mean sexting. Although that has its power too, flirting in the tradition sense, has a greater power though. The dry wit and sarcasm, leaning into personal space but not touching them, the little touches when you walk past them or need them to move out of your way. These things hold a power that no amount of sexting can bring.

I will align my recent experience: Mr Big and I started building anticipation 6 years ago! We have spent 6 years flirting with each other. And all that anticipation turned into some nasty ass sex. This meant that the whole build up to sexy time was almost unbearable. However it has not sustained itself, sure I fancy him, still do, but the flirting has stopped and all I have to look forward to are some x-rated texts. Even they have stopped and I’m still pretty sure the whole thing has ended as abruptly as it started. There really is nowhere to go to build anticipation when the aim of having sex has been met. And once you have sex? All that chemistry that builds up vanishes. Along with the freedom and confidence to flirt. And without flirting? Yep. No anticipation.

Gamer geek and I spent a night together, and then a morning in bed. We explored and we both wanted to take it further, but neither of us showed any signs of rushing it. So we didn’t. And as most experts will tell you, delaying sex only builds more desire which in turn builds the anticipation making the ‘deed’ all that more sweeter. This worked both ways too…the following night gamer geek returned and we hit it.

It was the kind of sex I haven’t experienced in a long time. Gentle, unhurried and tender to start with, ending up in a passion fuelled frenzy. With recent sexcapades, it’s only ever been passion fuelled frenzies. Quick to undress, quick to the goods and quick to orgasm. Well…not that quick, but you get my drift.

And I am convinced that this was all because I didn’t make moves to fuck at the first opportunity. It’s not my usual stance in these situations, I’m as horny as the next person and changing old habits is hard but on this occasion I made a different choice and got different results!

And the anticipation has remained. Innuendo is an art form in itself; the ability to say things that gets the brain to work without being explicit? Desire. The ability to trick another person to build in their mind a picture is sexy AF. This is what I have been missing. One of my boundaries was flirting. I graded communication and chivalry higher, but honestly, I think flirting tops them both. Instant physical attraction dies over time, but flirting is forever. Flirting is bae.

And I’ll prove it to you with one simple image: Imagine you are 80 years old, wrinkled, with a false hip, an aching body and dried up genitals…sex and physical attraction are pastimes that have long since been forgotten.

But you’ll still be able to build anticipation and flirt like teenagers.

You might not be able to act on it, but knowing that you both have a lasting commitment to make each other feel desired is a true reflection of two peoples devotion.

Now, how do I petition for flirting and anticipation to be added into marriage vows?

’Witty Title’ Rejection

You can’t reject a man. There. I said it.

If you ghost, you’re disrespectful. If you’re honest, they just keep dangling the carrot hoping you’ll bite.

Unfortunately for me, I’m wired to bite. I need the last word. I won’t back down from a fight and this is built in stone. I have a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush and I consider my ability to weave words together to create a harmony of sweet and sting one of my greatest strengths. (On paper at least, I’m much less eloquent face to face).

But herein lies the problem. Men don’t like to be rejected. Heck, nobody likes to be rejected. Yet, the world makes out that it’s women that become the crazy bunny boilers and men are nonchalant. But in my experience, and I have been the crazy one on several occasions, men take it much harder than women.

This post isn’t designed to berate any particular gender, but I have no doubt that someone may be triggered if they happen to read this and I really don’t mean to do that; I’m reminded about the time FD triggered me many months ago by saying ‘If she’s single and fit, she’s crazy’ and my equally slandering retort of ‘If he’s single and fit, he’s an Alpha Pussy’.

And you might be wondering why I’m jumping on my soapbox about this?

One of my old ‘boyfriends’ The Pilot will not let me just drive off into the sunset in peace. I’ve made my position very clear about looking for something more than casual (dude, step up or step away) and despite us very clearly being on different pages of very different books, he continues to bait me. And when I don’t take the bait (and by this I mean ignore him), he throws a hissy fit.

When I do reply in kind, he sees that as a reason to push his boundaries and completely ignore mine. I should just continue to ignore him and let him have his man-paddy, but I respect people and ghosting is just not my style. Is this because I have a built-in need to please people? Or am I respectful? Blocking people is a very last resort for me because I do value connections that I have made with people. I’m not saying we’d be friends in the traditional sense though, so maybe I should re-consider my criteria for blocking? Or at least explore why I’m so reluctant to block?

Yesterday, The Pilot and I texted more in one day than we have the whole year. All because he doesn’t want to lose his booty call. Or at least, that’s what I think. And the reality is, even if I did want something casual, I’ve found that in Mr Big who is local and, quite frankly, scores way higher on the ‘Fuck Buddy-O-Metre’.

And I know a mans ego is a fragile thing and this is perhaps why I try and let down the Menz gently. It never works though. You gotta burn the bridge or they just keep trying. And trying. And t r y i n g!!

And the world wonders why women fear saying no and why ‘I have a Boyfriend’ is the only effective way of getting a guy off your back.

I think the whole point of this post though was that no matter which side of the rejection fence you are on…giving or receiving, the whole thing sucks!

Is it better to be a heartbreaker? Or be the one broken?

Gamer Geek #1

If ever this secret blog was discovered by any of the subjects I write about, I would be mortified. Not because I’m ashamed per se, but who would want to read the naked truth of our situation? Or read how crazy I really am. Or in the case of some, how brutally honest I have been about them.

If it was me being bought to life in words for the blogging world to see by somebody else, I think I would die from humiliation alone. But I’d definitely bring it up. So, just in case I am discovered by any of the men in my life, past or present…Hi!

The reason I’m writing that is because I have told GG about the blog! I’ve not given him a link or a name (hell to the no-effing-way am I that brave) but I’ve shared that I blog as an outlet to let my crazy out and put it down on paper. I said I might read him an example one day and he said OK. He’s not pushed it.

Why did I tell him? GG and I had a proper date at last. Well. A proper date under COVID….food, booze, games and a sleepover. He bought the food, booze, chocolate, even an Easter egg!! All I did was get a little loose-tongued after downing half a bottle of Malibu and a few Tequila shots (self-medicine for not getting the dream job) and provide a bed to sleep in. The booze was only there for losing the games we played but I clearly didn’t understand the rules. Or care for them tbh.

GG spent the night, we cuddled, made-out a little. We didn’t go all the way, despite us both wanting to, especially the next morning. Neither of us seemed in any rush and so we both just spent the morning laughing, cuddling, exploring, eating and sipping tea.

Before he left he asked me when he could see me again, and made it very clear that 2 weeks was too long to wait. The next night my plans changed, I booked a holiday (please COVID gods, I need some sun 🤞🏻🤞🏻) and watched a movie instead of hanging out with friends on zoom for a games night. I also got a new cat this week (more on this in another post) but if it wasn’t for this cat, I’d have been over his place and I’d be writing this post from his bed instead. I’m at that point where I want to spend more time with him but equally I don’t want to go and give him all my free time. This is a fine balancing act because I really do value my independence and I’ll only give it up for someone really special.

So, I am fully in camp GG. I’m still not fully crushing on him though as there’s still something missing, but whatever that is, I’m at a point where I’m willing to find it. Or at least try. And even if it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious or long-term, it’s nice to remember that I don’t have to be a sexual goddess to keep a man interested. Or rather I am more interesting than what I can do in the bedroom.

And anybody who says two weeks is too long to see me again, having witnessed the mess that comes with downing half a litre of Malibu and copious tequila shots, is a keeper!

F Buddy or C Buddy?

I have a question…

Are the post-glow chats supposed to last longer than the getting down and dirty when you are casually having sex with someone?

2 hours of play time followed by 4 hours of conversation doesn’t seem like the right ratio.

And is it ever impolite to say… ‘when are you planning to go home?’

Fuck Buddy is turning into Conversation Buddy real quick.

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Emotion (Me) vs Logic (Brain)

Just one example of my inner ramblings involving Mr Big.

Him: We should hook up

Me: at fucking last. Yes we should.

Brain: hang on

Me: what?!

Brain: you work with this guy

Me: and?

Brain: there’s rules

Me: like what?

Brain: you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure

Me: who came up with that?

Brain: YOU! You Did.

Me: ….

Brain: and he’s already told you he doesn’t get attached

Me: yeah bu-

Brain: And you know he has a history

Me: Bu-

Brain: and do you wanna be gossip?

Me: B-

Brain: and let’s not forget the fact he didn’t swipe back on you!

Me: CAN I FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!

Brain:….go on.

Me: I won’t get attached either!

Brain: LIAR!

Me: I won’t!

Brain: Exactly how long have you been crushing on him?

Me: So what?!

Brain: A crush is far safer than acting on it. This won’t end well

Me: but I want to act on it

Brain: I’m not giving you permission to act on it

Me: stop ruining my life

Brain: Fine. But don’t question why you didn’t listen to me when it all goes down in flames

4 months later….

Brain: *sigh* Told You So!

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Let’s just pause

I may have gotten a little carried away with my desire to move on and forget FD. Oh You don’t want me? Fine, I don’t want you twice as hard. There. Take that.

This has then kind of, sort of, definitely turned me into this dating machine which is a whole different level of crazy (yes I’m already getting fatigued).

I’m not religious, I don’t really believe in astrology, gods and aliens are stories made up by the Romans and ancient Greeks to keep themselves entertained.

But I do believe in a higher power. I don’t know what it is specifically, some might say coincidence. Some might say luck. Some might say destiny. But I cannot ignore this. Nor yesterday’s horoscope which, as bland as they may be, are lighting up my synapses of hope like the neon double arches on a cold dark night.

I said I would give it until February to friendzone FD, but had already started to write him off early because slow burn doesn’t mean stop buddy! But I am trusting divine intervention (if that is indeed this higher power I am convinced of) to align the stars of FD and this crazy saint before next month rolls around.

….still standing at the bus stop!

Men are like Buses

Is it any coincidence that in the week that I start online dating, suddenly every male friend I have in my life wants more? Can they see or just sense my dating aura has turned from red to green?

Or is it purely that I’m just open to a conversation now rather than ignoring people in my attempt to be more date ready?

Funny, huh?

Except FD *rolls eyes*

Reminds me of a poem by Wendy Cope: