’Witty Title’ Rejection

You can’t reject a man. There. I said it.

If you ghost, you’re disrespectful. If you’re honest, they just keep dangling the carrot hoping you’ll bite.

Unfortunately for me, I’m wired to bite. I need the last word. I won’t back down from a fight and this is built in stone. I have a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush and I consider my ability to weave words together to create a harmony of sweet and sting one of my greatest strengths. (On paper at least, I’m much less eloquent face to face).

But herein lies the problem. Men don’t like to be rejected. Heck, nobody likes to be rejected. Yet, the world makes out that it’s women that become the crazy bunny boilers and men are nonchalant. But in my experience, and I have been the crazy one on several occasions, men take it much harder than women.

This post isn’t designed to berate any particular gender, but I have no doubt that someone may be triggered if they happen to read this and I really don’t mean to do that; I’m reminded about the time FD triggered me many months ago by saying ‘If she’s single and fit, she’s crazy’ and my equally slandering retort of ‘If he’s single and fit, he’s an Alpha Pussy’.

And you might be wondering why I’m jumping on my soapbox about this?

One of my old ‘boyfriends’ The Pilot will not let me just drive off into the sunset in peace. I’ve made my position very clear about looking for something more than casual (dude, step up or step away) and despite us very clearly being on different pages of very different books, he continues to bait me. And when I don’t take the bait (and by this I mean ignore him), he throws a hissy fit.

When I do reply in kind, he sees that as a reason to push his boundaries and completely ignore mine. I should just continue to ignore him and let him have his man-paddy, but I respect people and ghosting is just not my style. Is this because I have a built-in need to please people? Or am I respectful? Blocking people is a very last resort for me because I do value connections that I have made with people. I’m not saying we’d be friends in the traditional sense though, so maybe I should re-consider my criteria for blocking? Or at least explore why I’m so reluctant to block?

Yesterday, The Pilot and I texted more in one day than we have the whole year. All because he doesn’t want to lose his booty call. Or at least, that’s what I think. And the reality is, even if I did want something casual, I’ve found that in Mr Big who is local and, quite frankly, scores way higher on the ‘Fuck Buddy-O-Metre’.

And I know a mans ego is a fragile thing and this is perhaps why I try and let down the Menz gently. It never works though. You gotta burn the bridge or they just keep trying. And trying. And t r y i n g!!

And the world wonders why women fear saying no and why ‘I have a Boyfriend’ is the only effective way of getting a guy off your back.

I think the whole point of this post though was that no matter which side of the rejection fence you are on…giving or receiving, the whole thing sucks!

Is it better to be a heartbreaker? Or be the one broken?

Gamer Geek #1

If ever this secret blog was discovered by any of the subjects I write about, I would be mortified. Not because I’m ashamed per se, but who would want to read the naked truth of our situation? Or read how crazy I really am. Or in the case of some, how brutally honest I have been about them.

If it was me being bought to life in words for the blogging world to see by somebody else, I think I would die from humiliation alone. But I’d definitely bring it up. So, just in case I am discovered by any of the men in my life, past or present…Hi!

The reason I’m writing that is because I have told GG about the blog! I’ve not given him a link or a name (hell to the no-effing-way am I that brave) but I’ve shared that I blog as an outlet to let my crazy out and put it down on paper. I said I might read him an example one day and he said OK. He’s not pushed it.

Why did I tell him? GG and I had a proper date at last. Well. A proper date under COVID….food, booze, games and a sleepover. He bought the food, booze, chocolate, even an Easter egg!! All I did was get a little loose-tongued after downing half a bottle of Malibu and a few Tequila shots (self-medicine for not getting the dream job) and provide a bed to sleep in. The booze was only there for losing the games we played but I clearly didn’t understand the rules. Or care for them tbh.

GG spent the night, we cuddled, made-out a little. We didn’t go all the way, despite us both wanting to, especially the next morning. Neither of us seemed in any rush and so we both just spent the morning laughing, cuddling, exploring, eating and sipping tea.

Before he left he asked me when he could see me again, and made it very clear that 2 weeks was too long to wait. The next night my plans changed, I booked a holiday (please COVID gods, I need some sun 🤞🏻🤞🏻) and watched a movie instead of hanging out with friends on zoom for a games night. I also got a new cat this week (more on this in another post) but if it wasn’t for this cat, I’d have been over his place and I’d be writing this post from his bed instead. I’m at that point where I want to spend more time with him but equally I don’t want to go and give him all my free time. This is a fine balancing act because I really do value my independence and I’ll only give it up for someone really special.

So, I am fully in camp GG. I’m still not fully crushing on him though as there’s still something missing, but whatever that is, I’m at a point where I’m willing to find it. Or at least try. And even if it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious or long-term, it’s nice to remember that I don’t have to be a sexual goddess to keep a man interested. Or rather I am more interesting than what I can do in the bedroom.

And anybody who says two weeks is too long to see me again, having witnessed the mess that comes with downing half a litre of Malibu and copious tequila shots, is a keeper!

Witty Title – Speaking My Truth

I am my own worst enemy.

I am at my most comfortable when I am led by logic. I am an emotional being, but truthfully I don’t really express my emotions. Well, that’s not true. I cry when I’m sad, I clench my fists when I’m angry, I blow hot air when I’m frustrated, I get the internal inferno in the pit of my stomach when I get jealous. I laugh when I find something funny and I smile when I am happy. No hang on, I smile no matter what. I feel positive when I’m happy. That’s more appropriate.

But my head overrides all of those emotions. What I mean by that, for example, is that when I cry, I give myself a set amount of time. I plan crying into my routine. And when that timer goes off, I dry my tears and I let logic brain take over. When I am frustrated, I let it alllll out, the steam is almost visible out of my ears and the red-headed side of me takes over. Again, its short-lived and once I have blown my hot air, the frustration subsides and I go on about my day. I am constantly trying to rationalise my emotions. Always asking ‘why do I feel this way‘ and whilst I do allow myself to feel, I don’t allow myself to dwell. I’ve always considered this a healthy way of dealing with it, not that I know how to deal with my emotions any other way, but for me, giving myself protected time to feel and express emotions means that for the rest of my day, week, month, I am a well-rounded human being.

The problem comes though, when I am unable to rationalise my emotions. And I’m slowly figuring out that when I can’t rationalise my emotions, it is because I have failed to speak my truth. And what happen’s when I don’t speak my truth? I dwell, I spiral. I become so fixated on the feeling that the situation brings, I cannot think of anything else, an this mostly applies to anything remotely related to a romantic feeling. I think because I don’t feel crushes on people very often, I don’t know how to process the emotion. I’m not competent in this aspect of my life because it occurs so infrequently, and giving myself protected time to feel a crush doesn’t work. FD was proof of this. And I didn’t speak my truth. I didn’t say ‘Hey, I like you and I would like to get to know you more, as more than a platonic friend‘. Instead, I let my actions do the talking, which in hindsight, may not have been enough. Or maybe it was and FD was just dense, but whichever, I got a big old dose of rejection.

I find the same thing happening with Mr Big because I am not speaking my truth. On reflection, at the point we started chatting, I got carried away in the excitement of a crush being into me. I was licking my very rejected wounds that had been opened by FD and allowed myself to be led by my attraction for Mr Big, the short-lived state of loneliness I was feeling and my sudden lady boner. And all this in spite of the fact the logic in me, the brain screaming at me that he is most definitely, absolutely, 100% a bad idea. 1. We work together (the whole reason why I have never acted on my crush in the first place). 2. The offer on the table is absolutely not what I want at this point in my life (being single is way more fulfilling than being in a state of ‘He likes me, but only enough to take my clothes off‘ and constantly wondering why I’m not valued higher). 3. He didn’t return swipe (there could be a number of reasons why) 4. History has taught me that I can’t crush on someone and come out of that with a happy ending (seriously, as few as there have been, all my crushes have been unrequited loves).

I can’t remember why I started writing this.

Oh yeah. Speaking my Truth. I was reading another blog post about strength vs happiness and how sometimes we fixate on being strong for fear of being vulnerable that we don’t realise that we are the own cause of our unhappiness. In that example, it was about completely removing an ex from the picture. But in my case, I’m using strength to get through a problem at the expense of my own happiness. I’m so busy trying to show how I’m this sexual goddess who does what she wants when she wants and makes no apologies for it (most of the time I am) but it isn’t making me happy. It didn’t make me happy with Captain A (took me 18 months to figure this out) It wasn’t that much fun with The Pilot (took me 10 months to figure that out). Both of those two were strangers though. I didn’t know them. I didn’t have an established relationship with them. I didn’t have the potential to run into them at work. It’s taken me all of 3 ‘dates’ to own up to the unhappiness of this situation with Mr Big. There is a plus side to all of this; I am clearly learning from my experiences. But the downside is that the sexy stuff, as great as it is, is just not fulfilling the needs I want and am quite clearly ready for.

I haven’t really heard from Mr Big in the last two weeks. This is by design, as I asked him to give me some space to prep for a big interview I have coming up. By and large he has kept his word, except for the one time where he sent me some smut and I called him out for distracting me. It would be nice to receive ‘Hope the prep is going well, I’m rooting for you at interview‘ or ‘Can’t wait to celebrate with you‘ because positive vibes is more or less equal to it happening in real life. (Mostly, not in my dating life though, duh). But, although I have asked for that space, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have probably spent more time thinking about the situation fantasising about what could be with Mr Big than I have on anything to with this interview. What the other side of this? If Gamer Geek had gone 2 weeks without saying hi, or without some encouragement and support for my big day, then I would have already cut him off. Brutal with one, totally pathetic with the other. All is NOT fair in love and war.

And it’s too late to do anything about it now, the Interview is Thursday; I’m not going to see Mr Big. And I need a face to face to speak my truth, rather than send reams of text over the Insta DM’s. So here’s my plan.

1) Confess my epic Tinder Fail to him. 2) Share that I have had a crush on him for a while. 3) Explain how I was led my emotions rather than the logic when we decided on what this was. 3) Assume that what I am saying may come as a surprise to him. 4) Give him the space and opportunity to digest what I have said.

I realise I have numbered a lot of things in this post, as if making lists will help me climb out the shambles of my life. But lists are what keep me honest. Like little personal milestones.

So wish me luck! And if you are wrestling with an internal struggle, ask yourself if you are choosing strength over happiness, and if the answer is yes, then I urge you to speak your truth too!

F Buddy or C Buddy?

I have a question…

Are the post-glow chats supposed to last longer than the getting down and dirty when you are casually having sex with someone?

2 hours of play time followed by 4 hours of conversation doesn’t seem like the right ratio.

And is it ever impolite to say… ‘when are you planning to go home?’

Fuck Buddy is turning into Conversation Buddy real quick.

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Emotion (Me) vs Logic (Brain)

Just one example of my inner ramblings involving Mr Big.

Him: We should hook up

Me: at fucking last. Yes we should.

Brain: hang on

Me: what?!

Brain: you work with this guy

Me: and?

Brain: there’s rules

Me: like what?

Brain: you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure

Me: who came up with that?

Brain: YOU! You Did.

Me: ….

Brain: and he’s already told you he doesn’t get attached

Me: yeah bu-

Brain: And you know he has a history

Me: Bu-

Brain: and do you wanna be gossip?

Me: B-

Brain: and let’s not forget the fact he didn’t swipe back on you!

Me: CAN I FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!

Brain:….go on.

Me: I won’t get attached either!

Brain: LIAR!

Me: I won’t!

Brain: Exactly how long have you been crushing on him?

Me: So what?!

Brain: A crush is far safer than acting on it. This won’t end well

Me: but I want to act on it

Brain: I’m not giving you permission to act on it

Me: stop ruining my life

Brain: Fine. But don’t question why you didn’t listen to me when it all goes down in flames

4 months later….

Brain: *sigh* Told You So!

Mr Big #2

I am in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that has the ‘Po Po’ slamming your door in at 5am, nor the kind where I find myself swimming against an ebbing tide.

But the kind of trouble that gets a girls heart broken. BROKEN!

I was nervous for last night. So unbelievably nervous. I don’t know why, but I had butterflies. I was feeling super shy and just didn’t know what to do with myself for the whole hour I was waiting for Mr Big to show up. Maybe I was conscious of how I felt after our last get together and worried that my body’s apparent friendzoning of this guy was going to mean I couldn’t get going. Or equally worried that Mr Big was feeling something similar and that is why he didn’t stay going for long last time.

Whatever it was, soon disappeared. I’m instantly at ease in his company (warning sign #1). He looked so SO good (warning sign #2). He had me crying with laughter within 5 minutes of arriving (warning sign #3). He told me I looked stunning and really appreciated my outfit which showed off all of my legs (warning sign #4). We made out, went upstairs and we had the most unbelievably sexy time together, I lost count of the amount of times I came (warning sign #5). He talked about his family, his past relationships, his unbelievable luck on how he is here because his aortic valve ruptured and now has a carbon valve regulating his heart (warning sign #6). We ate some pizza and he tidied up!! (Warning sign #7). We had hours of pillow talk until about 2am, he would not shut up (warning sign #8) with cuddles and light stroking the whole time (warning sign #9) and this morning when we woke up at 5:30 (yes we were still awake at 2am) we both left the house, I was so away with the fairies I forgot to lock my frigging front door! (Warning sign #10).

I’m sleep deprived. I have aching and sore muscles, I have been ravenously hungry, but surprisingly full of beans considering I’ve only had 3 hours sleep…because I am running on a natural high! A natural high that you only get when you connect with another human being who lights up your soul!

So I need counter arguments to all the above, because I’m not in camp-stand off, I’m metaphorically going over the edge of a cliff and we know what happens when you land at the bottom. I recall that I was saying things I’ve rarely heard myself say, especially this early on; playful jokes, complimenting his appearance, touching him, sharing details about my family, sharing details about my relationships, I even told him about ‘A’!! I never tell anybody about A. We ate dinner together. I fucking cooked man. I pulled drinks. I 100% enjoyed myself and in total honesty, I didn’t want the night to end! I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want us to go our separate ways to work and our offices when morning came round. I didn’t want to see him rev up the engine on his KAWASAKI motorbike and ride away from me.

Arrrrgh! So counter arguments. A reality check. That’s what I need.

We talked A lot. But very little of that was of him asking questions. Mostly just me expanding on my life to compliment his own side of the conversation.

He did not suggest making plans for our next get together.

He explicitly stated he only invites girlfriends to his pad.

He did not say thank you for spending the night, the food, the shower this morning etc.

He said right at the start ‘You won’t break my heart Bab (local lingo) I don’t get attached’

He does not communicate other than to send racy texts, or racy photos or to set up racy meets.

The chances of this actually developing into something more is highly unlikely because THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The ones I like the most nearly never reciprocate those feelings.

I really cannot think of any more, but I’m glad I managed those few, because I do have a little more perspective now and maybe I’m just teetering on the edge of the cliff.

Won’t take much to blow me over though….

P.S I did the FLAMES test, you know where you count the number of letter of the words LOVES and then add those numbers together to get a total percentage score. We got 99% marriage.

Absolutely infallible.

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

‘Witty Title’ – Is Love Forever?

I fall into two camps when it comes to love. Totally stand-off or totally obsessed.

I’m either Michael Scott from The Office in the episode Performance Review – pining hopelessly or I’m Calvin in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Either way, Steve Carrell has managed to capture my entire emotional love spectrum.

I wonder why we tumble down the side of a cliff for some people and stand well away from the edge for others?

If I was to pick the camp which I most common find myself in, it is the stand-off camp. I’m the Knight on a chess board, guarding my heart, the Queen, ready to dive left or right to save me from falling and facing humiliation. I don’t really know why because I love to love. When I feel love I feel positive, and the experiences in my life are just so much more enjoyable. Feeling that deep sense of commitment towards another person really does lift me up and being loved in return carries much of the same energy. I have longed believed my stand off with the great emotion is because I have seen so many people fall in love so many times, only to have their heart crushed against some invisible pillar, resulting in a heart so broken it can’t possibly be resurrected. Pain. Nu huh, not for me! Truthfully though, I have historically been stand-offish with love because I’ve never felt I deserve to be loved. We could start looking at my childhood for reasons why, and this could quite easily turn into a therapy session where I talk about the fact I had an absent father and the long seated yearning for his love and affection have manifested in time into daddy issues as I’ve never formed a bond with the main male figure in my life, that is now the reason why I carry an avoidant-attachment type and thus it’s not possible for me to believe I am worthy of love from any man and so before they can hurt me I sabotage. Wait. I said it wasn’t going to turn into a therapy session.

And yet, when I do look back on past loves, I can be sure I have felt it and I have embraced it, I’ve felt deserving of it. I may not have given myself over entirely to love, because why give somebody so much power? But I have definitely given them a piece of my heart., some are still there. Could it be that when I have recognised the rest of my heart yearning to be handed over, this is the point that I have pulled back and put an end to things? Or have I recognised that my needs are not being met continuously and through respect for myself, I’ve walked away?

One of my dear readers left a comment on a post quoting her friend “Nothing is guaranteed”. Her friend had shared these thoughts to describe that although she was married, it wasn’t the end of her story. Lots of things could happen down the road so it’s best just to appreciate where you are at in life because before long, you’ll be onto the next stage of your life.

Whilst this could apply to whatever cycle of life you are in of course, because life is a continuum, I think it was Robert Frost who said Life.Goes.On. But this got me thinking…does love have to last forever? Better yet, is love supposed to last forever?

I have experienced love all my life, and loved all my life. My family for starters. And then there’s the love of my friends that I have met over the years. I loved, and was loved, by a man for 13 years so I’m quite capable and able to be successful with it. If I couldn’t love, or if I wasn’t worthy of love, I wouldn’t have good relationships with family or friends. Or a story involving a man for more than a third of my entire existence on this planet. I also know what it is to love unconditionally. But does love last forever? I have had friends that I have loved and lost. Men that I have loved and lost. I’ve even loved family members and lost those. And although the loss has been difficult to bear, I grieve and come out of it the other side, slightly more bruised than before, but definitely stronger. The bruises fade, the strength always remains.

So why do I find it more comforting to be stand-offish with love rather than totally obsessed? What am I looking for in love? Or what am I trying to avoid might be a better question? I spend most of my time I looking to avoid potential heartbreak and the despair and depression that comes with losing someone so close? If that is the case, then why? I’ve proven to myself time and again that I am capable of rising out of the ashes.

In my short time on this little orb of life, I have found a love obsession to be all-consuming. It completely overtakes my life. Not a day goes by without a thought (or several thousand) crossing my mind of that person. My own needs are overtaken by theirs and I find myself getting absorbed in their ideas of life. I can tell you, that with an obsession this blog would fail. I wouldn’t find take the the time to do it because I’d constantly be doing the things that made my obsession happy rather than myself. I’d be blind to all the red flags (if there were any), my hobbies would be on the back burner and all that free time I get would be spent on them. Even if not physically present, my brain wouldn’t allow me time off from them. I think us Brits call it pining after someone. Like a sad puppy who is waiting for their owner to come home. I’ve just diminished myself to a dog.

And despite my newfound perspective that I have promised myself, dropping the cynicism and going after love, or rather letting love in instead of batting it away like a bad game of rounders, I’m still guilty and susceptible to falling into my old obsessive ways. ‘Witty title’ – Pet names is evidence of that. I’ve been so focused on the moments shared with FD and my intrinsic need to try and connect the dots to form a picture, I’ve missed the fact there just wasn’t much of a picture to form to begin with. New me would say we went for a walk. We enjoyed each others company. That is it! Old me insists that there is something to read into in his every movement, word, joke. Weirdly, new me is maintaining new me thoughts on the aaarghpps. I briefly spoke about Chris in witty title – week 1 and how we like one another but had slightly different views on what we wanted in life. Old me would have totally ignored our differences and latched onto the fact that he was attracted to me. Old me would have taken his messages on the app (even the ones that came after that conversation) as a sign of something more. A sign that I could change his mind, if only he would meet me. He’ll see. Old Me would have been convinced that he would change his mind. We did have a sing off to Elvis – Suspicious Minds, which made my day, but at the line where Elvis croons we can’t on together’ I ended the fun and games with ‘no seriously, we can’t go on together’. New me is putting her foot down, although I will admit a small part of old me is lurking in the background, but I’m starting to recognise that you must fall for the person that they are and not the person who you hope they will be. The one in your head is made up! The one in front of you is real!

Is it possible that I expect too much of love? Have I watched one too many romantic films? We all want to fall in love. But as we know, love is an emotion. We don’t ever say we want to fall in happiness. Or fall in pride. And if love is an emotion, and an emotion is a conscious mental reaction toward a specific object or person, and emotions do not last, then it seems a bit ridiculous that we expect love to happen for us and last forever.

Maybe, it is possible that we can fall in love with people in short bursts. As it is an emotion no different to being angry or jealous, those feelings don’t last and we fall out of anger and jealousy as quickly as we fall into them. Is it unreasonable to think the same of love. For the briefest of moments where Chris and I were singing together, I felt a huge draw to him, I was in a positive state of mind and I experienced the rest of that day with more joy than usual, my desire for him multiplying exponentially. A temporary insanity? Is that not love? And if we can fall in love within the briefest of moments, we can fall out of it too just as quickly. I certainly don’t feel love for Chris now, but the positive feelings I did experience were addictive and maybe it is that feeling of being addicted that we chase in our search?

And if love is an addiction, that would explain my history of only ever being at opposite ends of the love spectrum, totally addicted or totally withdrawing.

Maybe that’s where I need to find my balance? That love is a spectrum of sorts. You aim for the middle and hope that as a couple you move towards addiction in the smallest of actions. Whether that be something as simple as carrying a kit bag full of footballs for me or accepting my quirky Elvis superfan status and having a sing-off with me. And when I find myself sliding towards withdrawing, I need a partner who understands that love is work, to help me find my equilibrium back in the middle.

I guess what I can say with absolute certainty thanks to the benefit of hindsight, is that I’ve yet to meet a man who has been able to bring me back to equilibrium. I can’t say for certain that my self-sabotage is not a test, but Relationship expert Matthew Hussey says ‘many people can handle our wounds but not our weapons’. My heart is the queen, the knight is my weapon and I’m stuck in a cycle of love checkmate.

Let’s just pause

I may have gotten a little carried away with my desire to move on and forget FD. Oh You don’t want me? Fine, I don’t want you twice as hard. There. Take that.

This has then kind of, sort of, definitely turned me into this dating machine which is a whole different level of crazy (yes I’m already getting fatigued).

I’m not religious, I don’t really believe in astrology, gods and aliens are stories made up by the Romans and ancient Greeks to keep themselves entertained.

But I do believe in a higher power. I don’t know what it is specifically, some might say coincidence. Some might say luck. Some might say destiny. But I cannot ignore this. Nor yesterday’s horoscope which, as bland as they may be, are lighting up my synapses of hope like the neon double arches on a cold dark night.

I said I would give it until February to friendzone FD, but had already started to write him off early because slow burn doesn’t mean stop buddy! But I am trusting divine intervention (if that is indeed this higher power I am convinced of) to align the stars of FD and this crazy saint before next month rolls around.

….still standing at the bus stop!