Somewhere, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results.
This was my dating life for such a long time, those who have followed me long enough will recognise the change in my dating pattern and tel you that it worked. I found myself a boyfriend.
Only now, I keep wondering if it’s for me. I’m feeling a lot of resentment, seeing behaviours I’m not fond of and a couple of times have felt that my son is an inconvenience.
The problem is, it’s difficult to talk about these things because we haven’t been our rock steady selves the last month or so and I don’t want to keep picking fights.
I called GG my sons dads name whilst half unconscious through alcohol at a wedding last week. I did the same thing again the other night half asleep, calling him Jude (no connection). I gotta question why I’m doing it.
Some self sabotage maybe at play here, but perhaps the ugly truth is that GG is demonstrating behaviours that I associate with my sons dad? I assume He took care of me while I was puking all the wine up, which is a good thing, and one I do associate with sons dad, I can’t remember though. The whole evening is a black hole, right up until I called him the wrong name. But some of his behaviour also reminds me of my ex. He is selfish, a lot of the stuff we do is on his terms. I cook and clean. I asked him to do the bins and he said it was too dark.
I’ve also asked him to help me with getting my son comfortable with a new swimming schedule by coming with us and showing him round the changing rooms as he’s too old to come into the ladies now. He’s either said no, or forgotten his kit, which sounds like a resounding no.
I know it’s not fair to compare. But it’s hard when you have 13 years behind you with somebody and you know what behaviours you don’t like. It’s easier to spot them in the newer people.
On the flip side, GG brings me flowers, buys takeout for us, takes us camping in his van. He’s still sweet in many ways. But honestly, we haven’t done any camping or walking in the last few weeks and I think it’s telling that without that, we don’t really have all that much in common.
He likes to watch tv, I like reading, doing puzzles and listening to music.
He’s a night owl, I’m an early bird.
He likes movies, I fall asleep at movies.
I am flexible with my time, he’s rigid in his routine. (I’ve found myself being way more flexible this time round than I have ever been).
He’s laidback, I’m not.
I’m needy, he isn’t.
I don’t know whether I have lost myself a little bit. Up until I started going steady with GG, I was out walking/hiking 3 times a week at least. I was blogging regularly, indulging in regular pamper nights, exercising and meditating, really understanding the assignment of self-care.
I’ve lost that a bit. I don’t feel like I have a routine, my life just revolves around GG and my son.
Actually, what do I do for me? I have stopped biting my nails. That’s self care right, 9 glorious weeks and I actually have nails to be proud of.
I’ve continued meditation and sleep hypnosis, although not as often as I did I guess.
My pamper nights have definitely fallen on a cliff.
I haven’t been solo hiking since August bank holiday. AUGUST!
I don’t get to relax with a book, or a puzzle or with music because the nights GG comes over we have to put the tv on. It’s on when we go to bed too. It’s like he needs constant stimulation, can’t even leave his phone alone when we are eating dinner.
I wonder what would happen if GG just sat in silence for 5 minutes, doing nothing?
I’m probably whinging for nothing, and maybe all the above is just the product of being in an actual relationship. Imagine that?!
But the truth of the matter is, I don’t really enjoy his company at the moment, I don’t feel reassured that I’m what he wants, I’m walking on eggshells around my feelings because it’s been rocky lately. I’m not psychic, but I am intuitive. I’ve never got a vibe wrong ( I may have ignored it longer than I should, living in hope) but if I didn’t know any better, we’ve both got one foot out of the door.