Insanity (The GG Series)

Somewhere, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results.

This was my dating life for such a long time, those who have followed me long enough will recognise the change in my dating pattern and tel you that it worked. I found myself a boyfriend.

Only now, I keep wondering if it’s for me. I’m feeling a lot of resentment, seeing behaviours I’m not fond of and a couple of times have felt that my son is an inconvenience.

The problem is, it’s difficult to talk about these things because we haven’t been our rock steady selves the last month or so and I don’t want to keep picking fights.

I called GG my sons dads name whilst half unconscious through alcohol at a wedding last week. I did the same thing again the other night half asleep, calling him Jude (no connection). I gotta question why I’m doing it.

Some self sabotage maybe at play here, but perhaps the ugly truth is that GG is demonstrating behaviours that I associate with my sons dad? I assume He took care of me while I was puking all the wine up, which is a good thing, and one I do associate with sons dad, I can’t remember though. The whole evening is a black hole, right up until I called him the wrong name. But some of his behaviour also reminds me of my ex. He is selfish, a lot of the stuff we do is on his terms. I cook and clean. I asked him to do the bins and he said it was too dark.

I’ve also asked him to help me with getting my son comfortable with a new swimming schedule by coming with us and showing him round the changing rooms as he’s too old to come into the ladies now. He’s either said no, or forgotten his kit, which sounds like a resounding no.

I know it’s not fair to compare. But it’s hard when you have 13 years behind you with somebody and you know what behaviours you don’t like. It’s easier to spot them in the newer people.

On the flip side, GG brings me flowers, buys takeout for us, takes us camping in his van. He’s still sweet in many ways. But honestly, we haven’t done any camping or walking in the last few weeks and I think it’s telling that without that, we don’t really have all that much in common.

He likes to watch tv, I like reading, doing puzzles and listening to music.

He’s a night owl, I’m an early bird.

He likes movies, I fall asleep at movies.

I am flexible with my time, he’s rigid in his routine. (I’ve found myself being way more flexible this time round than I have ever been).

He’s laidback, I’m not.

I’m needy, he isn’t.

I don’t know whether I have lost myself a little bit. Up until I started going steady with GG, I was out walking/hiking 3 times a week at least. I was blogging regularly, indulging in regular pamper nights, exercising and meditating, really understanding the assignment of self-care.

I’ve lost that a bit. I don’t feel like I have a routine, my life just revolves around GG and my son.

Actually, what do I do for me? I have stopped biting my nails. That’s self care right, 9 glorious weeks and I actually have nails to be proud of.

I’ve continued meditation and sleep hypnosis, although not as often as I did I guess.

My pamper nights have definitely fallen on a cliff.

I haven’t been solo hiking since August bank holiday. AUGUST!

I don’t get to relax with a book, or a puzzle or with music because the nights GG comes over we have to put the tv on. It’s on when we go to bed too. It’s like he needs constant stimulation, can’t even leave his phone alone when we are eating dinner.

I wonder what would happen if GG just sat in silence for 5 minutes, doing nothing?

I’m probably whinging for nothing, and maybe all the above is just the product of being in an actual relationship. Imagine that?!

But the truth of the matter is, I don’t really enjoy his company at the moment, I don’t feel reassured that I’m what he wants, I’m walking on eggshells around my feelings because it’s been rocky lately. I’m not psychic, but I am intuitive. I’ve never got a vibe wrong ( I may have ignored it longer than I should, living in hope) but if I didn’t know any better, we’ve both got one foot out of the door.

Am I asking too much?

I know y’all love some screen shots.

This conversation started verbally on Thursday, continued Saturday which was bought to a close, but somehow ended up like this on Sunday. And the conversation could have ended at ‘cool beans’. But then he goes and says again ‘Tuesdays are not easy’ and ‘it’s a lot of effort’ and I’m TRIGGERED given that I’ve just discussed this with him yesterday!

I thought I had got my feelings across during out little team talk, that I was feeling a little vulnerable and just needed some reassurance, to feel wanted and connected. I want to know that I’m missed and that that the changes he had suggested were not because GG didn’t want to see me less or that I was too much effort, I wanted to know that I’m still worth the effort to him and that we are both as equally crazy about each other. I thought I had been clear about why I was upset but perhaps I also needed to be more direct as he asks twice ‘Not sure how much more reassurance I can give you’. Have I overreacted? See for yourselves:

So stand-offish and defensive? Or understanding and supportive?

Should I even put so much weight into his words, he says he talks shit all the time and when he’s drunk, so how am I meant to know what is meaningful?

The comment about ‘I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t want to be’ feels very much like a negative statement containing negative words, it has no feeling whatsoever. It’s the closed off response.

I’ve said I need reassurance and to feel missed, and that’s what I get.

Am I being unfair?

I’m back…I think

3 years ago, I found myself swallowed by a big black hole. I was numb. I was exhausted. I woke up one Friday morning and I could not move. It wasn’t because I was paralysed physically, but mentally and emotionally I was broken.

I’ve suffered with anxiety as far back as I can remember. I have stubby fingernails and some pretty crazy actions, borne out of overthinking, that pay testament to that fact. But after a break up, a new home, a new job, finding my feet with single parenting and the loss of my beloved dog Rosie, the cracks in my toughened exterior finally shattered into a million pieces.

I rang the doctor. I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was but after a 20 minute chat, the doctor simply said…it’s not an anxiety attack you are having. You are depressed.

For the first time in a long time I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I struggled to breathe through the sobs as the reality dawned on me that my brilliant astute brain and my inner strength had finally given up on me.

Of course they hadn’t given up. Simply put, my mind and body forced me into facing my reality that I cannot lunge myself into all manner of exciting things as a way of dealing with what was going on inside.

I was hurt. I was sad. I was carrying a heavy guilt. I felt like a burden on my friends and family and rather than face that head on, I simply ignored it and went on with life. I was fixing a broken heart. I hadn’t felt loved in a long time, nor did I think I was deserving of it.

At the very same time, I had met a guy. He was nicknamed Super Mark because he had done all these incredible things. He had such an amazing life story. Things were moving rapidly, but when I woke up on that Friday morning I had no idea how I was going to tell him.

He knew I was off work. And one night on the phone he asked me if I struggled with depression. No, I answered. He responded softly saying ‘I have you know. I’ve been depressed to the point of suicide. I know from experience that the only way to start healing is to talk’.

In that moment, everything I had been holding in came tumbling out. I have no idea how long I was on the phone for. He patiently listened to me pour my little heart out. I have no idea if he was listening really, but I sensed he was from his mmm’s and aah’s and awww’s.

By the time I finished, he simply said ‘this is a chapter in your life. You won’t feel like this forever, just for now. Do you feel better?’

It dawned on me in that moment that by talking and getting everything off my chest, I felt a sense of relief. I wasn’t ‘fixed’. I had simply opened the door into healing.

And the mad thing about it, was that afterwards, Mark didn’t run a mile. He chose to love me instead and gave me a wonderful 8 months. That is until I found out he told my Dad that my mum was fit and how much fun it would be to have me and her together.

(Which is proof that even the good guys can be grade A fucking dickheads)

I digress. Back to healing.

I started therapy and working on doing things that made me happy. That’s how I got into football coaching. And how I got back to my hiking. I started budgeting properly and planning days out to the beach. I discovered hypnosis and meditation. Eventually, although it took a while, I found writing again.

Reflecting on the last two months, despite the wonderful things I have been experiencing, I have definitely fallen backwards a little. Depression isn’t ever fully resolved. It’s a constant battle of forgiving yourself. Forgiving the feels. Forgiving people. And in my case, speaking your truth. And after the year we have had, being confined to my own four walls, it’s amazing that I didn’t slip sooner.

I injured my foot and broke my big toe at the end of March, which stopped my usual exercise routine in its tracks. I was able to walk so I still hiked a little. And I managed to limp around the football field twice a week, there really isn’t much running in coaching thankfully. But it delayed my progress.

Last weekend though, I climbed 5 mountains (not as dramatic as it sounds. Actually it was, because it was hot as fucking hell in England) and since then I have been doing my 15 minute hiit or dance workouts. The result is I am happier. Less fatigued. More motivated. I’ve found myself singing again, to the point people have commented. I’m dancing as I walk and shop and talk. My mood is just way more upbeat. I don’t feel like writing is a chore (sorry for that), I’m doing the washing again. The plates are no longer stacked high.

I’m not saying that exercise alone fends of depression, but I’m a pretty good example if it does.

So next time I go AWOL, please, somebody shout at me to dance round the living room for 15 minutes and all will be well again.

Peace out mofo’s!

Bad Ass – The Fear

I’m a bad ass.

Or at least I’ve been reading a book called ‘You are a Bad Ass’ by Jen Sincero so that’s basically the same thing.

It a self-help book, about cutting out what drags you down in life and only seeking out high frequency opportunities. Or at least learn to recognise when to take them.

This blog has been high frequency for me over the last 12 months. Pouring out my emotions and ups and downs, my neurosis, my crazy. But I think something happened, that I did not expect or intend. By writing down all those things and looking back on them, I started to see a pattern form. My overzealousness (is that a word?), my ‘quick to flirty banter’ nature, my overthinking, they were all getting in the way of my happiness.

Jen Sincero writes that you have to go through the rough before you launch into the life you truly deserve. I can demonstrate that in my life. I think I’ve unwittingly been following her guided path for a few years: starting out with the separation from my son’s dad, buying a house that was a run-down. I got a promotion. Then I got another promotion. In the meantime I’ve met several men, all lovely in their own right, but currently the only man for me in this moment is GG. But it hasn’t always been plain sailing. I’ve had to fight bosses who are just mean/horrid people. I was off work with depression and anxiety for 6 months. I’ve never had enough money to do up my run-down house so it’s taken me 5 years to get where I am and it’s still not finished. I now have to live with my ex and my cousin being together. I’ve been hurt and humiliated by men.

My current life dilemma, is whether to give up coaching football. My son doesn’t want it anymore, and so it is a lot to commit to when you were only doing it for your son in the first place. Problem is, I love coaching. I manage the team, and although I’d quite happily live without the planning and organising, I don’t want to stop the fun stuff, kicking the ball around a field and watching my boys develop and progress. But if I stick to the principles of Jen’s ‘You are a bad ass’ then I need to trust the process and understand this is what the universe has in store for me.

And I need to recognise the time that football takes up as additional free time and therefore, an opportunity. I’ve been thinking about some ideas. My friend and I formed the basis of a business idea last year and whilst I kinda made steps to begin building it, the whole idea trailed off because it was just too hard.

Too hard? I single-handedly raise a boy, maintain a house, keep a resemblance of order, I manage a large team in a very busy police force successfully full-time and have laid down the foundations and built a football team successfully in my spare time. Renovation wise; I have tiled my bathrooms, re-laid plumbing, cut down tree’s, transformed my garden. In amongst all that, I have dated, cared for my grandparents and maintained relationships with friends, despite it being a weird year and honestly, climbing inside my cocoon was liberating!

And I suppose it is all relative. Somebody who doesn’t have children, who lives at home or two parent families or those with no responsibility other than for themselves could consider my life hard but setting up a business is easy.

Well, the business idea is my fear. I have no idea where to start. Who to approach. How to explore. What it takes to kick start it off the ground. The other stuff comes to me like second-nature. The bad-assery that Jen Sincero refers to is about pushing through the fear. The fear of failure. The fear of what people will think of you. The fear of how to get started. The fear of what people might say, your friends/family. The fear of imposter syndrome telling you you’re not good enough.

I’ve struggled with this blog over the last few weeks/months. Not because I have nothing to write about, because I have. Always. But because what I can write isn’t really in keeping with the content of this blog.

I feel like a fraud. I fear that my regular readers will be like – ‘Yo! Dis Boring man! ‘

But if blogging is something that makes me happy and tunes into my higher frequency, would should I let that fear stop me?

So…there may be a transition of sorts coming. I can’t say for certain that my blogging content will change or if it does, I can’t describe what it might be right now, but I certainly won’t be letting the fear stop me!

Get Jen Sincero’s audiobook on Spotify:

Too Many Choices…The End

It’s official. It’s taken 10 months but I have zero boyfriends (loose term).

I know some people may look unfavourably at me for having been juggling several men at the same time, however not a single one of them made any real effort with me so if that isn’t a reason to date in multiples then I don’t know what is. However, here are just a few of the efforts I made for them:

•Cooked H/M Sausage Rolls •Walk (Tour) of my childhood ‘playground’ •10km walk followed by surprise picnic •candlelit massage •paid for dinner •bought in favourite dessert •rented favourite movie •invited them on a trip •invited them to parties’•made breakfast •invited them into my home •shared my dreams and plans •Train journeys to see them

And yes there was sex. I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Am I trying too hard? Am I too closed off? Do I need to be more open?

But you know what? Fuck that! I’m fine. It’s these idiots blokes who can’t see a good thing in front of them. Yes I am difficult. Yes I am busy. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, I’m quick to argue and I’m stubborn but listing all of the things I did above shows me that I do care, I am open, I am thoughtful and I am romantic and that’s for men I’m half assed about and know are half assed about me…imagine what I’d do for a guy I really like and matches my effort?!?!?!

From this day forward, I will no longer waste my efforts on a man who doesn’t give the same back. An effort to communicate is my top requirement. Note to self: Remember, your gut has never steered you wrong, deep down it’s always been right you’ve just allowed your head to overrule it by overthinking and making excuses for them. Stop it. Anybody who cares for you will show it! Trust your gut and all those affirmations will come to pass.