Oops…I did it again!

Gah!!!!

So the pilot asked to see me and I didn’t say no. Under no illusions that this was a casual visit, but then the man goes and arrives with flowers, dinner and a gift bag containing a vase for said flowers because the last time he bought me a bouquet I told him I didn’t have one and ended up wrapping tissue paper around an empty plastic lemonade bottle!

We chatted, we laughed, we made some love.

Is this normal? Starting to wonder where casual ends?

What is clear? …. I have absolutely no clue about dating/relationships and also zero will power!

Too Many Choices…The End

It’s official. It’s taken 10 months but I have zero boyfriends (loose term).

I know some people may look unfavourably at me for having been juggling several men at the same time, however not a single one of them made any real effort with me so if that isn’t a reason to date in multiples then I don’t know what is. However, here are just a few of the efforts I made for them:

•Cooked H/M Sausage Rolls •Walk (Tour) of my childhood ‘playground’ •10km walk followed by surprise picnic •candlelit massage •paid for dinner •bought in favourite dessert •rented favourite movie •invited them on a trip •invited them to parties’•made breakfast •invited them into my home •shared my dreams and plans •Train journeys to see them

And yes there was sex. I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Am I trying too hard? Am I too closed off? Do I need to be more open?

But you know what? Fuck that! I’m fine. It’s these idiots blokes who can’t see a good thing in front of them. Yes I am difficult. Yes I am busy. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, I’m quick to argue and I’m stubborn but listing all of the things I did above shows me that I do care, I am open, I am thoughtful and I am romantic and that’s for men I’m half assed about and know are half assed about me…imagine what I’d do for a guy I really like and matches my effort?!?!?!

From this day forward, I will no longer waste my efforts on a man who doesn’t give the same back. An effort to communicate is my top requirement. Note to self: Remember, your gut has never steered you wrong, deep down it’s always been right you’ve just allowed your head to overrule it by overthinking and making excuses for them. Stop it. Anybody who cares for you will show it! Trust your gut and all those affirmations will come to pass.

Remember?….

Way back when I first started this blog, my inspiration came from the love of my life. I mean he was a total jack ass and it didn’t work out. I had no way of letting out my emotions though, so I thought writing about it would help. I didn’t stick it out. I think I made two posts about it and then forgot all about it and eventually empowered myself through music and good old fashioned will power.

However we met while we both had partners and the inevitable happened, we drifted apart. Mainly because he wasn’t satisfied with a girlfriend and a side chick….turns out I was one of many.

At the time I was head over heels for this idiot and genuinely thought I had met my equal. He could match me in all aspects of my life, he was funny, smart, career focussed, handsome, tall and dynamite in the bedroom. We rarely came up for air!

I spent a long long LONG time being angry. Angry at myself for allowing it to happen. Angry at myself for being a fool. A mug. I mean of course this guy wasn’t going to be faithful…he already wasn’t. Anger soon turned to guilt as I realised just how his poor gf would feel if she found out. She did eventually.

And I have been living with the guilt since then. Guilty for being the cause of my family break up. Guilty for being part of the cycle of this knobhead and contributing to the hurt. Guilty at not being enough for him urgh! Guilty for gliding through life, not seeing the colours and guilty for not seeing other opportunities around me.

During lockdown, there hasn’t been a lot to do, other than think. And one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel angry or guilty anymore. Closure is a strange thing. People will tell you that closure can only come from yourself and I agree, to some extent. But I also believe you can’t get closure without doing some work. It’s a bit like the 12 step programme in addiction, and I have been withdrawing for 3 years.

So I reached out. Yes I was curious to know what had happened to him and some very small part of me still wishes things had turned out differently, but mainly I wanted to wish him well. And if I could do that without the jealous rage and inferno erupting inside the pit of my stomach, I’d know I was truly moved on. And so a quick message to him hoping he was safe and his family was well was all it took.

He was surprised of course. Think my last message to him was more along the lines of ‘Go fuck yourself and die’ I think I also thought about vandalising his car Carrie Underwood style.

He told me he still thinks about me and that we were great together. He hasn’t apologised or admitted any wrong-doing (not that I expect him to) but for the first time I’ve stopped playing the victim and held up my hands to my own misgivings. I was never really present, only ever enjoying the way he made me feel. I never opened up, acting stoic to prevent the walls tumbling down. I would ignore him or rant at him, rarely talk to him. I’d use big words to try and belittle him because I had zero control. I made it clear from the start of our relationship I was only after a physical relationship and I kept the pretence up, even when I knew my heart wanted something else. When the lust didn’t go away and the love took over, it was too late and I was heartbroken and have been ever since.

The funny thing is, even through all the hurt and pain, the ups and downs, the rough and the smooth, I still think of him fondly. He’s happy now in a new relationship and I am genuinely happy for him. Not jealous, not bitter, not indifferent. I’m pleased that despite all I remember, I want only the best for him. Some might say that I’m the definition of a fool, the victim of a narcissist, gaslighted. I probably am, but I’ve also been in love and if wishing the best for someone you once loved is wrong, then I’m wrong, but I’m also free of any negative emotions and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I got to experience real love in my lifetime and I think that is a wonderful thing.

Intuitive or Inventive?

I’ve always considered my gut to be spot on. I’ve never been an outwardly feeling type of person (blame years of emotional neglect as a child) but I definitely feel the vibes of other people in my stomach. I am a quick judge of character and 99.9% of the time I am right and I can sense when somebody is a good person, or just a bit of a tool without much of anything really.

Or so I thought. I watched some chick flicks last night… one of which was ‘he’s just not that into you’ it was hilarious, but the film starts out by saying how girls always come up with an excuse for a guy when the reality is he’s just not that interested. A guy who is interested will move. Will chase. Will communicate. Will ask you questions. Wants to get to know you. Yes, sex is always a draw but, but the focus is you. He’ll want to be close to you. Touch you. Lean into you. Text you. Talk to you.

I’ve been tying myself up in knots over boyfriend no.1. After seeing him last week, he came with flowers – Roses (because I was having a bad week) wine, which is standard for him and we had this weird kinky baby thing, which I’ve since established was just a primal thing. I like him. I’m not too far into it where if I pulled back I’d be gutted or heartbroken, but I’m heading that way. He lives in London and works way too much so seeing each other always feels like a military plan. He keeps saying he will be working out of Bham soon and then I won’t get rid of him. So I’m being patient. I have been patient since earlier in the year. Throughout a pandemic and now I have to be more patient?

I guess I’m struggling to balance the need for patience against my own needs for emotional comfort, security, love. My gut tells me he’s a good guy, with good intentions. Yes I always knew it would be a slow burner but Dude!! We’ve known each other for 3 years, we don’t need to go slower.

And why should I have to wait until Bham for him to shower me with time anyway? He could find the time now (and I don’t mean travelling to see me) but a phone call? FaceTime video? Is this not basic stuff?

My gut still tells me to be patient with this one but I’m starting to wonder if I am just forcing it? When does intuition just become you inventing a reality or fantasy you hope for?

So back to my checklist;

He will move? Yep he travels from London to see me (way too much effort for a booty call) but then travelling is his life as a pilot, so an hours train journey probably isn’t too much trouble?

He will chase? Sort Of! He will initiate the conversation via WhatsApp but won’t call or FaceTime. He always wants to arrange the next time we see each other

He will communicate: Nah. It’s great when we are together, he talks about his family (esp his mum) and his friends. But the in between times are dead.

Will ask you questions? Nope.

Wants to get to know you? Not seen much of that

Wants to touch, be close? Only after sex

I really think I need to do some work on my gut, because Girl, He’s just not that into You!

Self Sabotage?

Boyfriend no.3 and I finally went to bed together.

Meh

We had a really lovely evening of food and cocktails, and we planned afterwards to watch a movie at mine. We made it through the whole thing. Then I said he could stay over. Then we went to bed. I was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen. He agreed it wouldn’t.

And then it did. Because apparently I need validation and because he is actually a typical man who can’t ‘lie next a beautiful woman and just cuddle’! And so began an hour (maybe less) of what I can only describe as rabbit sex.

It was exactly what I expected. No compatibility, I gave him some cues which he found difficult to follow or maintain (or just didn’t give a shit).

I was pinned into some very unusual positions which did nothing for me. Eventually I climbed on top and rode myself to climax. He didn’t cum. I cleaned myself up, went to sleep and the next morning I felt like shit because I really didn’t want it happen, he knew I didn’t want it to happen but somehow I ended up instigating the most mundane sex of my life.

But worse than that, I woke up feeling like I had cheated on boyfriend no.1. I felt guilty over a guy who can’t string along two text messages.

Honest to god, I’m a train wreck. No wonder I’m single!

Self Discovery

I’ve always thought myself reasonably self aware. I wouldn’t say I have me down to tea, because there is always room for improvement. But I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I can’t get passed D the Pilot, even though I know he doesn’t offer me what I want and 2) D the dustman is everything I could possibly want or need in a partner and yet I just can’t feel the attraction, he is perfect friend zone material. What a cliché!

But seriously, why? What is it about non-committal men that is so attractive to me? Why don’t I find the guys who want to commit attractive?

And Bingo! The lightbulb went on…I don’t want to commit. You remember that whole self aware thing? Yeah? I already know I’m selfish, I’m ambitious, I’m career driven, I’m a go getter, I have high standards, not willing to settle, blah blah blah! But actually, I’ve learned I am ambivalent! I have an avoidant attachment type, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached. With the right person I am a real romantic, but it requires effort and I’m yet to find a man I want to put in the effort for.

So that is why the guy who doesn’t show any signs of any form of commitment gets me pumped. I know he’s not going to take me away from my busy active routine. I know he’s going to be available on the odd occasion I am horny. I won’t have to date him, and go out in public and possibly have to acknowledge him to people I know. The effort isn’t needed.

Red Flags

I told boyfriend no.1 I was going on a date, and he was unsure how he felt. I’ve always taken the stunted comm’s between us as a result of of how busy we both are, but actually RED FLAG, this is how the conversation went…

‘I don’t get a say do I?

Me: ‘Well, no. Not right now, but I’d be open to a discussion about it. Do you want to have a say?’

‘I just want you to be happy’

I couldn’t think of what to reply so I’ve left him on read. That was 5 days ago.

Then Boyfriend number 3 has been throwing out the red flags left, right and centre!

Constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how he has feelings for me and sending me very sappy messages.

He says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t do it … ‘I’m going to bed, good night, chat tomoz’ 1 hr later ‘I’m watching football’ I am a football coach, I understand how important football is. I do not need you to lie to me. Claims to be an amazing cook, but is always eating takeout. ???? Saying I’m not bothered about the the pubs opening, and on day 1 was in the pub!

He has four children, he sees them once a week but blames the break-up of his previous relationship because she couldn’t cope with how often he saw his kids and they could never spend any time together. Ummm, what?!

On our last date, when I was distracted, he would snap photos of me with silly filters. I’m not on snapchat. And we are not a couple!

Drinks. A LOT. See pub. And does so to cover a host insecurities. Talking of which, constantly needs reassuring that I’m into him, or want to see him and I’m already getting bored of it!

We went to pick up a Chinese one evening and whilst in town I bumped into a friend who was with two others. D went off to the bank. I didn’t know them, but they knew D. ‘Are you the new girlfriend then?’ ‘Me? No!’ When I asked D why they might think he had a girlfriend, he couldn’t explain and said he hadn’t told anybody he had a girlfriend and nobody in my town would know. As we rounded the corner back, the same woman was there. Turns out, it’s his next door neighbour!

Invites himself to my house regularly, but never invites me over to his!

I know I don’t owe him anything, but we are supposed to be going out for dinner this weekend. Now that I have typed this all out, I’m not interested in pursuing this any further. Do I feign illness? Or just explain that I have tried to match his enthusiasm but can’t. And should I point out the red flags?

Broken Halo

Boyfriend number 3 and I have been chatting for a good couple of months. We’ve dated and I’ve always felt there was something missing. There was no great spark, you know? No butterflies. No fanny flutters. Just nice.

He is constantly telling me I am beautiful though, and what girl doesn’t love to hear that. Um hello! So I have stayed with it because we agreed in the beginning that I wasn’t interested in anything and that the only thing on offer was friendship. However this week, things took a turn and my sappy giant turned the conversation into something a lot less PG. I’d been avoiding this. Not because I’m a prude. Or because I had at sexting, but just because I didn’t want sex to be the hook (for a change). But I’ve never been the golden girl and so D and I exchanged some pretty filthy ideas over the course of the afternoon.

And I’m really confused about how I feel? At the time, I was a little hot under the collar. OK a lot! But when the fun subsides, I still don’t fancy him? Or do I? Arghhhhhh

So… am I attracted to him? Or the written word. How do I know? Is there a word for somebody who gets turned on by reading and not physically? Omg is there something wrong with me?

Man Down Let Down

So boyfriend number 2 and I called time on our brief affair. I don’t use the term affair in the literal sense, neither of us have partners, but it was fast and hot and seductive right from the beginning. After offering him to be his taxi for the evening, he declined because I was a let down. And I have to agree. After giving it some thought, I was never giving it a lot of effort or putting the time in, because it seemed to only ever have casual stamped all over it. So I explained that I wasn’t interested in casual, and he didn’t match my enthusiasm for anything more, citing work commitments blah blah blah. I am a single mum with a career and I work shifts and I know all about work commitments, but I do have the flexibility to find time in my schedule for somebody who is special to me. D the Pilot isn’t that person and so I wished him well. He is still expecting me to booty call him..can somebody explain why guys insist on ignoring your boundaries?

Too Many Choices

You ever been to a restaurant and been unable to decide on what to eat because the restaurant has too many good choices and you’re just so hungry?

Well that’s my relationship status at the moment!

I have 4 boyfriends. So OK, boyfriend seems like a strong word but ‘interested parties’ sounds lame. Suitors? A bit old fashioned. Prospects? It’s not a job. Options? Too impersonal.

I’m sticking with boyfriends. They have no idea about each other, and on top of this I have a huge crush on a guy I know through football training. Thing you should know about me is that I rarely develop a crush on somebody who has actual potential. Examples of my crushes are Elvis or J-Lo, the random stranger who held the door open for me, my married boss who is TWICE my age. Never on a man who is around my age, a single dad, a man who laughs at my jokes and not at me. A man who takes their time to say hello and chat. Oh no! That would be too real. But here I am, for only the third time in my life, having a ‘realistic’ crush! He just doesn’t know it. And that’s a story for another time, because I currently have 4 boyfriends and I need to get this sorted first.

Boyfriend No.1; R is a pilot. He lives in London, doesn’t have children. He’s tall, dark, handsome and we have the most random conversations. We met a few years back on a dating site and have always been fond of each other but his job and being away made seeing each other really hard meaning we ended up in this sort of hook up relationship. Naturally I met someone else and that ended. However around Christmas last year, R got in touch and being recently single, I thought hey why not. Nothing has changed, he still lives in London, he still travels a lot, and we have still ended up hooking up, which I was clear I didn’t want. He agreed it wasn’t what he wanted either but long distance is hard when the conversation is one liners at best. But the sex is good and I’m always ever hopeful!

Boyfriend No.2; D is also a pilot. He lives local, doesn’t have children. He’s dark and handsome, not so much tall but he can talk and he will ask me about things going on in my life. When we are together. It’s a bit hit and miss when we are not and we haven’t moved past the ‘DM’s’ into exchanging numbers. But whatever, some people are weird right? And I dig weird. Whilst I wouldn’t say I fancied him immediately, there’s something about him that I can’t shake, and he’s really gotten under my skin. We seem to be in sync in the bedroom, having similar outlooks in life too. Real potential, but not sure if he’s looking for a casual thing, which I made clear I wasn’t.

Boyfriend No.3; D is a Bin Man. A dustman. I cannot fluff that up, even garden waste disposal engineer sounds like shit. And I am not knocking the job, I’m no snob, it’s honest work and to be perfectly honest sounds like a right lark which compared to my job makes me very jealous. Doug has 4 children, lives local, he tall, dark, handsome-ish (see a theme here) and rates off the scale with regards to communication. Anyhow, Doug and I went on a date about 3 years ago. We got chatting on that very famous dating site, not tinder, the other one but the date actually came after I saw him on a night out. He tracked me down and found me on instagram, after exchanging some messages, we went on a date. Urgh! There was no spark, no convo, I didn’t fancy him. Aside from the steak and wine, it was rubbish! So rubbish, he went back to his wife! Anyway, fast forward 3 years later, and D is almost divorced and back in my DM’s, things have taken off from there. D is very sweet. Very very very sweet. A sap I guess. And on one hand it’s quite endearing, the other it’s just plain annoying. Telling me you like me 3 times in a row or hinting you want to see me in 4 messages is a bit much. And maybe it’s a confidence thing because I don’t get that when we are together. We’ve had 4 dates (1 online) and things are going well. I just don’t have the urge to jump into bed with him & so I can’t rate compatibility there, but we’ve kissed and it has been nice enough. I think I already know my answer but something isn’t letting me go.

Boyfriend No.4; A is fit as fuck. Off the scale fit as fuck and he fancies me! He’s pure filth and honestly, there would only be hot kinky sex between us, but damn, that boy is fine. We exchange messages, never met although we had planned to earlier in the year and then lockdown happened. So the next plan was August but I’m away for the weekend which is bloody typical! I am under no illusion this is purely physical and honestly, he is just an itch to scratch. But we’ve known each other for such a long time, I think I’d kick myself for not sampling the goods!

So there you have it. 4 boyfriends, who are not actually boyfriends. None of them I overtly fancy, I’ve just gone with the flow but they’ve all gotten under my skin in some way. And now I’m facing a Dilemma of choices. It’s just like the menu, I have too many options and I don’t know how to choose. I could probably whittle it down to 2 (I think) but then still, how do I choose between the two?