Gamer Geek #2

There are two things that really turn me on in a man. Independence and banter.

Don’t get me wrong, I am superficial too. I like a guy to have a certain look, a twinkle in his eye, to dress well and to take care of himself. I just rate independence and banter higher.

And so it’s a good job Gamer Geek has those two in spades. Because he has none of the other qualities. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute. In a puppy dog eyes kinda way, not in the twinkling eyes way. His dress sense is somewhere between indie rock and grandad which is not helped by the long limp hairstyle he is currently sporting. I will forgive him though, none of us have had a haircut in the last 3 months and he’s obviously planning one because he said I wouldn’t be able to pull his hair for much longer. Shame. But ok.

Thing is, I’m not interested in gamer Geek for his outward look. He has wonderful values that gel with mine. He has hobbies to keep him busy and therefore I don’t feel pressure to fill his time. We enjoy similar things, playing games, sports (football and tennis) and he’s the first guy I have met who enjoys hiking more than I do and doesn’t need to wait for me to organise things, he’s very proactive in that sense. Oh, and if you didn’t guess from my nickname, he’s a huge nerd. He has manners, chivalry and a great sense of humour and I really don’t have to chase and keep making suggestions hoping he’ll take the bait, dating is easy and is a mutual back and forth and I don’t have to question anything. All wins in my little black book.

And this wouldn’t be typical of my blog without me describing the bedroom antics.

It’s definitely not what I am used to. Gentle and unhurried. Just good old fashioned love making I guess? I dunno, it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced truly sensual sexy time. It’s the type of sex I would expect 3 months in, which I suppose we are. But there’s no sense of urgency, and I think we all want to know that secretly we wish we were ripping each other’s clothes off and doing it where they land instead of always moving up to the bedroom. And actually, I’m very surprised at GG’s lack of big dick energy considering he could also have the nickname Mr Big. He doesn’t turn me on in quite the same way though, I don’t get those immediate pangs of ‘I want you now!’ when I look at him but that’s OK right? We’ve slept together three times, I didn’t orgasm the first two, but I still enjoyed it immensely, I was super turned on and writhing about, making noises that I didn’t know I could make! But I’m still worried that I’m gliding into something with no real foundation, I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. Yes I’m being open to a slow burn, but what if I never get those immediate pangs? We’ve talked about a weekend trip in June, so I’m pretty confident he likes me because he’s also quite hard to read but what if I’m still only half-assed about him by then?

Nice guy, with his own interests, a job, his own place, no baggage, chivalrous, funny, we like similar things, sensual, generous.

All those qualities, absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.

And yet, I’m questioning if it’s right. Geez!

Do I need therapy?

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Roaring 20’s, Boring 20’s…

My last major walk was on 14th December. That is over 2 weeks ago. It’s been a weird couple of weeks as I haven’t really had the motivation over Christmas, with school being out, working, planning for the big day etc, I’ve found it difficult to find the time. But the problem is I’m now in a slump. I have a whole morning to myself today where I would use this time to get some fresh air and get my heart pumping the red life force through me. But meh. Can’t be bothered. I’m doing a days walking tomorrow so might as well stay in bed where it’s warm right?

I also haven’t had football, and with my county going into tier 4 today, that might not continue either so this definitely feels like a lockdown again despite what the politicians, scientists and law makers say. Tier 4 is a polite way of saying ‘stop fucking mixing you imbeciles’!

And I’m annoyed because I have to go to work. I’m in a frontline industry, working for the emergency services. I don’t get the offer of being furloughed, I don’t have the benefit of working from home and therefore saving fuel. Throughout the last lockdown my son still had to go to school but he didn’t get any of the ‘home-schooling’ work at school because it wasn’t fair on the kids at home and so I’d be doing it after a gruelling day of working and it felt punishing at times. Eventually I just gave up, he’s a smart kid, he’ll pick it back up! The key workers amongst us are facing the COVID fight front on and the best we can get is a clap and a pay freeze. Yay! All because there’s no money in the public purse because our inept Tory government flounders it on crappy apps and PPE contracts to their ‘mates’. (Urgh, politics, I digress).

And I know I should be grateful to still have a job and an income and I am grateful, but it’s hard to maintain that positive gratitude when I see people around me only benefitting from this pandemic both financially and emotionally by being at home with their families.

It’s ironic that I feel like someone who is hard done by though. Because the truth is, sitting at home, working from home, not having the company of my colleagues some of whom are very good friends, means I’d be miserable and more miserable. And so in that sense, because 2020 has been a shitty year in so many ways, I’m glad that my life hasn’t been changed dramatically. It was hard enough adapting to the outside world regulations without having to adapt and overcome at home too!

But I’m really fed up now. And I’m not sure why….If the world opened up again, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even do anything, I might go out and celebrate the end of the pandemic once, but that would be it. I’m not convinced in myself I’d even go and make up for all the lost time with friends and family.

So why am I fed up? Am I bored? Is it the post – Christmas blues? Has the loneliness of singledom finally set in? Am I not fulfilled enough in my job? Do I have some strife in my life that I just can’t resolve?

Typically, I am the kind of person who just goes with the flow, never really making plans, always last minute. It frustrates people and after this year I suppose I’ve lost a bit of purpose myself. Or perhaps I just need new purpose? My 2020 Mind, Body, Soul resolution worked so well and as it is the time of year to make a resolution for 2021, I think I’ll make some new goals. After all, having goals and something to work towards is a challenge and making progress and achieving great things is what makes life exciting. So… goals to realise for 2021 are set out below.

Realisations.

New Years Realisations!!

1) Read a minimum of 12 books (once a month, not hard)

2) Write 500 words before bed every evening (except Sundays. And Mondays. And Wednesdays). Ok fine, 500 words twice per week.

3) Continue spiritual and personal growth to feed the soul by connecting more with friends and family.

4) Feed my need to know things; continue to explore the world and how to help it through documentaries, news articles, published papers etc and look into taking a new class in Human Factors and Cognitive Bias.

5) Hike once a month with a 5km minimum walk once a week (checking off 100 greatest walks of GB). Those glutes will thank you babe (and so will he).

6) Finish all the small little jobs left to do in the house. Renovation is a pain but so rewarding when the job is finally done. (Plus, do you want to be embarrassed??!)

7) Chores are for rainy days. (Seriously, if the sun is shining, get your butt outside!)

8) Keep a diary to keep me honest with my realisations and create a vision board to see it all.

9) Reduce screen time by 50% (Hahahahaha).

10) Continue to focus on nutrition and overall body health.

So there you have it, my 10 Goals for 2021. Some are totally achievable, others never gonna happen but I strive for the best. In fact, I may not achieve any of them in 2021. I certainly doubt I’ll be consistent with them, but at least it’s all written down, I already have the whole of January planned out in my diary!

And of course there is always the hope that having these goals will naturally lead me into a path of love because I am ready for it. Every crazy, neurotic, anxiety filled, stubborn inch of me is ready for love in my life!

Do you make New Years resolutions or yearly goals? Or like me, do you normally just face whatever the year brings? Perhaps you are you new to setting goals for yourself and finding it hard to keep yourself accountable? Let me know, I’d love to hear your stories.

Being vulnerable…

When it comes to dating, I’m starting to learn that being vulnerable is an aspect that is required. Non-negotiable.

For the longest time I would retort to that with anything along these lines ‘I’m not vulnerable, I don’t need anybody, I’m self-sufficient, what’s a man gonna do that I can’t?’ ….etc etc etc.

But the truth is, being female, which has long been termed as the weaker sex, means that from an evolutionary perspective, men need to feel needed. They need to feel like a man. They want to provide. They want to be our ‘hero’.

And I have absolutely no way of figuring out how to adapt my mindset. I often respond to questions about my love life with ‘I’m too content being on my own’ or ‘I don’t see how I can find time for someone’ or ‘I value the freedom that comes with the single life’ which are true enough but there’s a bigger more vulnerable truth behind them:

Because being content and alone is better than potential heartbreak’

Because giving up my time means I have truly found someone special (who could break my heart)’

Because being tied down with someone is scary and risky and my freedom is my protection’

All the above underlined with ‘ultimately, Im just not worthy of love’ which my brain and heart know isn’t true but my past experience’s have taught me.

And it’s these past experiences that have taught me that being vulnerable is why things didn’t work out. Being needy is unattractive. Wanting passion and desire was too much. A simple life is what it’s all about and needing to be challenged and wanting a partner to mentally spa with made me high maintenance. And so I stopped being vulnerable.

But on reflection, when I have met these partners I was vulnerable. I met SD when I was 16 and needed somebody to love me because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else. When I met the Captain, I needed somebody to love me and infuse me with passion because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else. When I met my last boyfriend, I was so low I felt I had lost everything and needed somebody to love me because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else, not even myself.

There is a theme here that when I meet somebody it’s because I need to feel loved, which in itself is being vulnerable. Problem right now is I have an abundance of love in my life and so I don’t need a man to love me, I love myself, I have the love of my friends and family and maybe that is a vibe I am giving off and despite what all the I’ve doctors, magazines, podcasts claim about how you must love yourself first, maybe I should seek to love myself less. Or perhaps I’ve missed the point and loving myself is about giving me the confidence to say what I feel without fear of being rejected because I know I’ll be OK if I am?

So instead of saying:

‘I’m content on my own’ I should start saying I’d love to meet somebody who is independent as I am but who also want a connection. I want to find love. But if I don’t, it’s ok as I am fulfilled in so many ways’

I don’t see how I can find time for someone’ I should start saying ‘I have all the time in the world for someone special who invests in me as much as I do them’

I value the freedom that comes with the single life ‘it’s risky and scary lowering your guard and letting someone else in, but that’s the whole point of finding love. Nothing comes easy’

And by being vulnerable you show you are emotionally strong and in touch with your thoughts and feelings. Women are sensuous and emotional and despite what has come to pass over the course of evolution, that is what makes us the stronger sex. (Even if we aren’t yet still represented in such a way by society). And perhaps because men don’t have the emotional strength, they need us to be that way to make themselves strong and powerful? The physical vs the emotional.

So, is showing vulnerability to a potential mate a form of confidence and self acceptance? Knowing that you have emotions and you don’t care because that’s how you are made is exactly what is needed. Being feminine and soft is really going to take a major break-through for me, it doesn’t come naturally. But if I’m ready to love someone, and they happen to come along in 2021 then I need to at least be open to the idea rather than completely closed off because vulnerability leads to intimacy.

Brene Brown said ‘’Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Mind, Body. Soul

My New Years resolution for 2020 was to improve myself. I wanted to get fitter. I wanted to practice mindfulness more and I wanted to take care of myself more. I wanted to find healthy outlets for my frustrations. I wanted to start showing up for myself and become the best version of me that I can. At the start of the year I only stated this aloud to myself because there’s always that niggling doubt that I won’t achieve what I set out to do. Which is scary. I also knew this wouldn’t be a quick fix and it would take some effort, pushing myself to do small things until they become habit and I wasn’t sure whether other people would give me the patience I needed, but it is nearly Christmas and as such nearly 2021 so now seemed as good a time as any to reflect.

I started working on my body as this was the easiest place to start. I wasn’t particularly pleased with the way I looked, a little too podgy in places, but instead of focusing on that, I wanted to celebrate what it could do. It keeps me moving. I have all working parts. I’m eternally grateful for the health of my body. I wanted to reward my body for all the hard work it does for me. I also wanted to focus on the amazing parts of me, my lovely thick long red hair and my big green eyes. My long legs. My athletic body shape. So what if I’m a bit podgy in places, that podge makes for a soft pillow when I’m cuddling my son, which he tells me often. And so slowly over the course of a few months, my mindset switched from fault finding to ‘you are fab’ I started rewarding my body with massages to straighten it out and dedicated a ‘me’ day where my body didn’t have to work so hard…sofa/duvet day with films/documentaries/tv shows/music/reading. On these same days I’d eat whatever took my fancy, whatever my body craves on that day and I’d end it with a hot bubble bath with candles for a job well done all week.

Then lock down hit. And the massages had to stop. I was still working hard as a key worker & felt a lot of pressure and stress, but I didn’t stop the Body process. I continued with the sofa days and the bubble baths and the binge TV, music, guilt free eating.

I found the beginning of lockdown fairly easy, but as the weeks turned into months I felt myself spiralling. And that’s when I realised I needed to do something about the mind. And so I started blogging again. This space has given me the opportunity to write down my own thoughts and feelings and just general get my crazy musings down so they don’t stick in my head. Admittedly it came from my dating life and it has continued along that theme because that is where I really needed the help. I imagine I’d get a lot of weird looks if I voiced out loud some of the things I write on here. I started to learn gratitude. Being thankful for the things in your life is a really great way to switch the negative thinking into positive thinking. I also started learning again. I’m not studying, but just taking some time each week to learn a little bit more about something I’m interested in. I also started creating again, drawing, podcasting and creating wooden signs.

Soul was the final chapter. I’m still finding it hard to articulate what this means to me, which tells me I’m still working on it. But at the height of summer I was able to get back to some of my hobbies – football and hiking, two things that bring me pure joy. And they do help fill my soul, I’ve also lost 1 stone since which is wonderful for my body and exercise is medicine for the mind. But I still feel there is something missing, I can’t quite fill up the tank because I can’t connect with my friends and I haven’t been able to travel much.

But, what has become blindingly obvious is that at no point has my Mind, Body, Soul goals and achievements rested or even touched on my desire to not be single. Which is rather remarkable given the amount of dating I have done this year (ironically, more so than any other year). But it has helped tremendously in an unintended way; whilst I still hold out hope that the chalk to my cheese is out there, I have found a peace in myself. I trust myself to find the right man when I am good and ready and to pick a better than I have previously because I am better than I have previously been. And whether it is the first man I meet and feel a connection with or the hundredth, if things don’t really go to plan, I will trust it is because something better is coming along behind. This mindset has been quite the epiphany, super enlightening, empowering even and when I couple that with my own sense of self-worth, which is that I can bring so much more to the table than just being a mother and having a job and well, that feels rather marvellous!

Boundaries

Let’s face it. When there is a new love interest I tend to get carried away. I can’t help it, it’s as if my wiring fires up, all my cylinders get into gear and I go into what guys call crazy mode. Now thankfully, the crazy has been confined here, or at least I think it has but I feel I may have shown my hand too early.

‘I guess I’m going to make it my mission to feed you grape juice and Lobster

His Reply: ‘Yep, that’s definitely the plan going forward.

Some protest if we’re the only two in it’

His Reply: ‘the best 2. You have to start somewhere

I’ve had the best day, mostly because of your company’

His Reply: ‘yeah the feelings mutual so thanks’

Him: ‘i fell asleep on the sofa, woke up with [son] on me’

My Reply: That’s a cute image 😍

Him: ‘wait until you’re 40, you’ll really feel it then’

My reply: Oh behave, you’re well fit, you didn’t have to climb your stairs on your hands and knees

His reply: ‘ That’s funny, especially picturing you climbing the stairs’

Not that it really matters if I have shown my hand, what’s the point of playing a game, there are other ways I can be mysterious and intriguing. And it is just texting, you can’t really show your hand too early if the feelings mutual, can you? Theres not really a lot to read into here I know & whilst he doesn’t make the first move very often, when I reach out, he matches the effort in conversation. So I wanted to make a post that I can look back on to remind myself what to look for when newly dating. It’s not an exact science, but at least it helps me set my boundaries and expectations whether this is for football dad or anybody else.

1. Investment

Do not invest in him based on your attraction levels. Yeah, so what if you’ve had a crush on him for 6 months, if he’s not reciprocating your level of effort, boy bye! This is really all that matters. Investment can be something as simple as sending a text and getting a reply in a timely manner. Or it can be arranging an elaborate date once you have seen each other a few times. It could be mimicking – you preen, he preens. You laugh, he laughs. You move to him a little, and he comes your way too. It’s not always about the first move and girls shouldn’t expect the guy to make the first move all the time, because whilst you are enjoying the chase, he’s seeing it as a lack of investment from yourself! Equally you don’t want to make every first move. Even it out.

2. Communication

Guys are just bad at this. It’s not their fault, it’s something to do with their hard-wiring. But guys can communicate, they just need a helping hand and that is where you come in setting your boundaries. If you make it clear what you expect from communication, a guy will adapt. For instance…you suggest a date. Guy knows he can’t due to other commitments. Most guys will be flaky, because it’s non commital but a guy who is interested will explain why he’s busy for a few weeks and give you an alternative option. And if there’s even any chance of getting together before then, he’ll say so. If he’s keeping it loose, then you should make other plans and when he reaches out, kindly explain ‘we didn’t firm anything up, so I arranged X,Y,Z. Would love to set it up with you though’. This is clearly setting your expectations up without being too aggressive and still being open to meeting him. If he doesn’t get the hint and continues to be a flake or loose with commitment then boy bye!

3. Friendship

The foundation of the relationship is based on a solid friendship and not sex. Finding things each other enjoys doing and sharing interests. Friendship is not a mojo killer, you can still be sexually attracted to a friend, just be careful not to end up in the friend zone. A cute ‘We can’t be friends anymore’ text followed up with ‘your a blues fan’ or some other jokey retort. Or a ‘you looked hot today, have you done something different?’ text will keep the tension. ( OK, confession, I have yet to try either of these approaches, so take it with a pinch of salt and wish me luck for when I do). No

4. Flirting

It doesn’t come naturally to some people, but I need a tactile partner. I love to be loved. Ironically, I’m not a tactile person, well not without the invitation from the other person anyway. If there’s no playful touches, a hand on my back or a gentle arm around the waist then I’m probably going to withdraw pretty quickly. The same goes for making me laugh. A few cheeky comments intertwined with a funny story will have me hooked. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are, or how rich you are or how popular you are. If you don’t have charisma then don’t be surprised to find a ‘I’m not feeling the spark, good luck and take care’ text.

5. Chivalry

Ok so I’m old fashioned which is completely against my ‘make the first move’ and ‘I don’t need a man’ motto’s. Except I do. I need a man in my life. I want a man in my life. I just don’t want any man in my life. Truth be told, Its a deal breaker. I need a man holding the door open, carrying bags, fixing the taps, putting out the bins, helping with the shopping, sharing the cooking. Building a life to together. Sharing intimacy, being vulnerable and empathetic. To me these are gentlemanly qualities that have long since been forgotten (in my experience). I mean I can do all of those things myself obviously, I’ve been doing it for the last few years but it’s more fun when somebody else wants to do it and get involved. And in its own way that’s the guy taking care of you. And wouldn’t it be nice just for once to have somebody take care of you?

So. There’s my 5 boundaries. Written. Crystal clear. No ambiguity. If a man does not match these 5 qualities then it’s time to stop investing. Stop chasing.