I am my own worst enemy.
I am at my most comfortable when I am led by logic. I am an emotional being, but truthfully I don’t really express my emotions. Well, that’s not true. I cry when I’m sad, I clench my fists when I’m angry, I blow hot air when I’m frustrated, I get the internal inferno in the pit of my stomach when I get jealous. I laugh when I find something funny and I smile when I am happy. No hang on, I smile no matter what. I feel positive when I’m happy. That’s more appropriate.
But my head overrides all of those emotions. What I mean by that, for example, is that when I cry, I give myself a set amount of time. I plan crying into my routine. And when that timer goes off, I dry my tears and I let logic brain take over. When I am frustrated, I let it alllll out, the steam is almost visible out of my ears and the red-headed side of me takes over. Again, its short-lived and once I have blown my hot air, the frustration subsides and I go on about my day. I am constantly trying to rationalise my emotions. Always asking ‘why do I feel this way‘ and whilst I do allow myself to feel, I don’t allow myself to dwell. I’ve always considered this a healthy way of dealing with it, not that I know how to deal with my emotions any other way, but for me, giving myself protected time to feel and express emotions means that for the rest of my day, week, month, I am a well-rounded human being.
The problem comes though, when I am unable to rationalise my emotions. And I’m slowly figuring out that when I can’t rationalise my emotions, it is because I have failed to speak my truth. And what happen’s when I don’t speak my truth? I dwell, I spiral. I become so fixated on the feeling that the situation brings, I cannot think of anything else, an this mostly applies to anything remotely related to a romantic feeling. I think because I don’t feel crushes on people very often, I don’t know how to process the emotion. I’m not competent in this aspect of my life because it occurs so infrequently, and giving myself protected time to feel a crush doesn’t work. FD was proof of this. And I didn’t speak my truth. I didn’t say ‘Hey, I like you and I would like to get to know you more, as more than a platonic friend‘. Instead, I let my actions do the talking, which in hindsight, may not have been enough. Or maybe it was and FD was just dense, but whichever, I got a big old dose of rejection.
I find the same thing happening with Mr Big because I am not speaking my truth. On reflection, at the point we started chatting, I got carried away in the excitement of a crush being into me. I was licking my very rejected wounds that had been opened by FD and allowed myself to be led by my attraction for Mr Big, the short-lived state of loneliness I was feeling and my sudden lady boner. And all this in spite of the fact the logic in me, the brain screaming at me that he is most definitely, absolutely, 100% a bad idea. 1. We work together (the whole reason why I have never acted on my crush in the first place). 2. The offer on the table is absolutely not what I want at this point in my life (being single is way more fulfilling than being in a state of ‘He likes me, but only enough to take my clothes off‘ and constantly wondering why I’m not valued higher). 3. He didn’t return swipe (there could be a number of reasons why) 4. History has taught me that I can’t crush on someone and come out of that with a happy ending (seriously, as few as there have been, all my crushes have been unrequited loves).
I can’t remember why I started writing this.
Oh yeah. Speaking my Truth. I was reading another blog post about strength vs happiness and how sometimes we fixate on being strong for fear of being vulnerable that we don’t realise that we are the own cause of our unhappiness. In that example, it was about completely removing an ex from the picture. But in my case, I’m using strength to get through a problem at the expense of my own happiness. I’m so busy trying to show how I’m this sexual goddess who does what she wants when she wants and makes no apologies for it (most of the time I am) but it isn’t making me happy. It didn’t make me happy with Captain A (took me 18 months to figure this out) It wasn’t that much fun with The Pilot (took me 10 months to figure that out). Both of those two were strangers though. I didn’t know them. I didn’t have an established relationship with them. I didn’t have the potential to run into them at work. It’s taken me all of 3 ‘dates’ to own up to the unhappiness of this situation with Mr Big. There is a plus side to all of this; I am clearly learning from my experiences. But the downside is that the sexy stuff, as great as it is, is just not fulfilling the needs I want and am quite clearly ready for.
I haven’t really heard from Mr Big in the last two weeks. This is by design, as I asked him to give me some space to prep for a big interview I have coming up. By and large he has kept his word, except for the one time where he sent me some smut and I called him out for distracting me. It would be nice to receive ‘Hope the prep is going well, I’m rooting for you at interview‘ or ‘Can’t wait to celebrate with you‘ because positive vibes is more or less equal to it happening in real life. (Mostly, not in my dating life though, duh). But, although I have asked for that space, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have probably spent more time
thinking about the situation fantasising about what could be with Mr Big than I have on anything to with this interview. What the other side of this? If Gamer Geek had gone 2 weeks without saying hi, or without some encouragement and support for my big day, then I would have already cut him off. Brutal with one, totally pathetic with the other. All is NOT fair in love and war.
And it’s too late to do anything about it now, the Interview is Thursday; I’m not going to see Mr Big. And I need a face to face to speak my truth, rather than send reams of text over the Insta DM’s. So here’s my plan.
1) Confess my epic Tinder Fail to him. 2) Share that I have had a crush on him for a while. 3) Explain how I was led my emotions rather than the logic when we decided on what this was. 3) Assume that what I am saying may come as a surprise to him. 4) Give him the space and opportunity to digest what I have said.
I realise I have numbered a lot of things in this post, as if making lists will help me climb out the shambles of my life. But lists are what keep me honest. Like little personal milestones.
So wish me luck! And if you are wrestling with an internal struggle, ask yourself if you are choosing strength over happiness, and if the answer is yes, then I urge you to speak your truth too!