A case of the grumps…

Sorry. I’ve been awol.

I’ve lost a lot of the motivation I started out with this year. Is it the time of the year? Is it something in the air? Is it ok to lose motivation?

I’ve just finished celebrating my birthday. The guy I’m seeing has referred to himself as my boyfriend, so we’re official.

I got promoted at work. My football team are winning.

I have nothing to be grumpy about.

Maybe it’s the hormones, my period is due but that would only explain one or two days and not this incessant cloud of misery which has descended over me.

To make matters worse, my boyfriend is also grumpy because his football team lost their Europa cup final. And this is further making me grumpy. Like Pandora’s box. Has my grump created a confidence in him to be grumpy? Because that’s not how this works. I can be grumpy, he makes me feel better. He is not allowed to be grumpy because I can’t be arsed with emotional people.

I joke, kinda. I’m not insensitive, although some part of me thinks there are better things to be grumpy over than a game of football.

And I’ve been rather dutiful and asked how I can make him feel better, but I hit a dead end with ‘I dunno’.

So now I’m even more grumpy.

So I got the grumps which created the grumps which has given me the grumpy grumps.

Vicious circle.

Gamer Geek #3

Tell me you have a boyfriend, without telling me you have a boyfriend (Disclaimer, I don’t have a boyfriend, officially).

Unofficially however, I think I do. Gamer geek posted me on his Instagram. He referenced the fact we have been talking for nearly 4 months and asked me how long we had been physically seeing each other. ‘We first met 6th Feb’ I replied.

It hasn’t been that long, was later than that’

It was the 6th Feb’ I repeat

And thus ensued a conversation about how quickly it had gone etc.

GG and I have spent almost the whole weekend together. I arrived at his at 07:45am yesterday to go hiking and I didn’t leave until 12pm this afternoon. And I only left to get home for the cat, I wanted to stay. He wanted me to stay. Neither of us verbalised it, not sure why he didn’t but I was very mindful of overstaying my welcome and showing my hand too much. Remember what I said when I like someone and I get waayyyy too eager, waaayyy too soon. I don’t want to flip the switch. GG is an awesome guy, he’s interesting. He’s cute. He’s fun. I may not be having the daydreams that I did about football dad, or with Mr Big but that’s not a bad thing. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that peaceful and gradual > chaos and fast.

There is still a lack of emotional connection though. I really do have to pry info out of him. And he’s not all that forthcoming with telling stories. For example, he told me he went to Iceland. And he also told me all about his trip, and the whale watching he did, camping under the stars, touring the famous Gulfoss Falls and swimming in the blue lagoon. I swear he said this was a solo trip. I SWEAR godammit, but honestly, lately, my memory is not what it used to be so I doubt myself. Anywayyyy, on a completely unrelated subject, GG is getting his haircut tomorrow, his friend is doing it at home and as he was telling me about her, I asked her name and he said ‘Laura’.

Me Oh, my hairdresser is named Laura too, but I go to a salon called NUYU’

GG ‘Yeah, that’s where she works, she only does home visits for her friends’

W e H a v e T h e S a m e H a i r d r e s s e r!

It’s a small world. Call it fate, call it serendipity. Whatever. But what are the chances of that?!

What’s the point of this? GG tells me Laura was the friend he went to Iceland with. He was very quick to tell me they hadn’t dated, I guess he saw the look on my face or the energy I radiated after he mentioned it and thought I was jealous. But I was confused, see, because I thought he said he went alone. I mean there may have been a pang of jealousy. A tiny one, because the girl is seriously pretty. But you know, I work with two men I have had sex with, one of which was way too recent to mention, so I got over myself very quickly.

But, see what I mean? I’d have definitely remembered him telling me he went with a friend. Especially a female friend. And it just side swiped me. So, a small part of me, now that I’m not around him and all up in my feelings, is starting to wonder. How much of the story am I getting? Half? A quarter?

I suppose telling a new love interest how close you are to other girls is a risky thing to do, particularly if said love interest is the jealous type. I can be very jealous, but it’s usually when something that might make me jealous is kept hidden. I could be jealous when you first tell me the story, but I’m doubly jealous now that you have added to the story and didn’t mention it first time round. You know what I mean? That’s crazy. God it sounds really crazy, but that’s rational for me. 0-25% jealous when it’s laid bare from the offset. 100% jealous when it’s disclosed at a later point. And even if it is crazy, I don’t think I’m alone here (as a female, anyway).

And, tell me if I’m overthinking something else, because you know, I have a tendency to do that when it comes to boys, but something doesn’t add up from the other night. For me, Wednesday nights are football training nights. Now I didn’t really hear much from GG last weekend. And I deffo didn’t hear from him on Weds. I know we are all busy, but when a guy goes from constant and consistent texts on a daily basis and then suddenly disappears for a night, or two nights after a couple of months, then it’s only natural to wonder what he’s doing.

Apparently, he went to the new designer outlet that has opened near us with his mate and they got Five Guys, went back to his place to watch the footy and play Fifa. Fine, all very plausible! Until tonight, when he said he was playing Fifa for the first time in ages.

It didn’t add up. And that’s when my brain goes into overdrive!

Me: He’s just forgotten that he played fifa with his mate

Brain: Don’t be a fool

Me: How am I being a fool? Where would he find the time to date somebody else, he’s constantly texting me

Brain: Was constantly texting you, he’s out of routine now, the energy has changed

Me: oh stop overreacting, if he was dating someone else they must be very relaxed about how much he uses his phone

Brain remember how you managed to bang Mr Big three times whilst also talking and dating GG

Me: ooooh, good point

And I’m sure you can imagine how the internal tug of war continued from there.

I read somewhere that you should reflect after a date on how they made you feel. A focus on if you like them as opposed to questioning whether they like you.

I do like GG. I always feel very looked after when I’m with him, he’s thoughtful and considerate. He’s chivalrous and has manners. We have fun and I laugh a lot. But I do always come away with a sense of unease. Like he’s holding something back.

And I’ve also looked back for red flags. Nothing obvious, although he was keen to tell me all about his manhood on our second date. Not directly, but just a funny story that allowed him to boast a little. I can’t say I blame him, it’s boastworthy. Is that a red flag though? More of a pink flag I would say. It obviously didn’t put me off.

Maybe I have nothing to worry about and I don’t recognise this for the good that it might be because all my previous relationships have been toxic? Another possibility is that I’m glossing over small important flags because I’m trying to forget about my weird Jeremy Kyle situation and so I’m just happy with the attention. Or perhaps I do recognise it’s good, but I’m trying to find things to self-sabotage because I’m also very good at that!

Did learn that he was named after his Dad this weekend though. And he also learned that I was born under a different name than the one I have now (surname. by deed poll. because my mum was young and naive, bless her). And I’m starting to wonder when might be a good time to introduce my mini me. Not like soon, but just how we might do it if we make it to 6 months. I know he’s open to this anyway, he invited him on holiday remember! But these things are just examples of me sharing who I am with GG. Am I getting the same level of personal investment from him? I’m not convinced.

Was there a question in all of this? Oh yes. How do you know if you have a boyfriend? And without an official label, when does texting and dating others become disrespectful?

(Yes, yes, I know this whole post is around my jealousy that he might be dating others. I’m crazy though. A hypocrite. Ok?! Ok.)

Fin.

Witty Title – The Journey So far

At the beginning of the year when I downloaded hinge, I felt like I had zero prospects. We are 4 months into 2021 and whilst I have reviewed my New Years resolutions, I haven’t really reflected much in my dating life and the patterns. So, that is what this post is going to attempt to do.

Since January 1st 2021, there have been 5 boyfriends (not actual boyfriends, but I’m still waiting for society to create the term for a boy who is dating or chatting or fucking, but where there is no defined relationship that would make them an actual boyfriend).

I digress.

But 5?! Is that really true? Let’s go through them:

FD – he does count, remember the babes comment. Still influences my brain today despite no actual dates in 2021. But he’s in the bin. Never kissed. Never held hands. Just lots of weird games. Buy bye!

Remember Nathan? Yup, disappeared as fast as he appeared.

Mr Big – I ended this with a very polite message because I know I can’t continue to have sex with him and work with him without falling for him. Better to keep things normal now than face potential ruin later on.

Remember Jeff from Men are like Buses. Part 2? Well he has not moved out of my DM’s. Not suggested a date. Nothing. Urgh, see ya dude!

Gamer Geek – N’awwww.

Out of 5 men, only one of them shines and he looks damn fine in a suit. The others are nowhere near on my level of dating and honestly, it’s no wonder single women struggle…there’s only a 20% of finding someone almost decent and even then you might have to work really hard on your own personal appetite for men to make it work. Only out of 5 dates has potential and even then it’s no guaranteed because 10 dates in you find you’re not really that compatible?! Phew!

Look I’m not knocking dating, but in a world of busy lifestyles, finding the time to date 5 men for some women will be super super hard! And as we grow up, stronger and more independent than ever, I worry that single millennial women currently in their 30’s will end up pioneering a spinster revolution. Care homes and bingo clubs will be full of single ladies in their 80’s tearing up the floor with a bottle of Mad Dog 2020! Lord!

The world is NOT ready for that.

So we must stop it. Somehow.

The first place in our busy, modern, pro-gadget age is to weed out all the hook-up wannabe’s from those really searching for something solid and long-term on dating sites. The free apps just don’t have enough of a screening process.

Apps should have a questionnaire, the more you fill in, the wider the choice pool. If you only answer 5, you only get to view other prospects who could only be bothered to answer 5. If you answer 50, you get the pick of the pool – but only if you answered them with long-term intentions. Going for cocktails on a first date is not chivalrous. It’s not romantic. It’s lazy at best, and potentially dangerous at worst – drinks spiking anyone? Same goes for home movies, dinners, take-out. I only wanna be matching with someone who also agrees that a brisk walk in the fresh air somewhere public, or to grab coffee are acceptable first dates to see if the 4D version of those pictures is true to life. And that way, dating 5 different men might be possible if you want to increase your odds (assuming my questionnaire idea doesn’t pay off in the first place).

You know what else isn’t chivalrous, getting sexy before date 3. I say forget date numbers, how many hours have you spent with this person? I’m not knocking any bodies choices, but a guy who wants to invest in you will happily wait 3 dates, or 24hrs in term of total time spent together. Tbh, most men will wait longer than that if they are invested, but I’m assuming you also want to sleep with him so why play games??? Just do it. Whenever you feel comfortable, what I’m trying to say is that in my aforementioned dates, only 3/5 have not pushed for anything physical, although to be honest, one of them hasn’t even pushed to meet face to face so I don’t think that counts and the other is FD who also doesn’t count. 1 out of 5. Damn!

They were all funny. Mostly. Mr Big won the round with that one, but the fact they have all tried to make me laugh, tells me this is a flirting technique. This is how guys get a girl’s attention. 5/5

1/5 bought me dinner, or invited me over or made plans for a date. A real date.

They all like to talk about sex. Men huh? 5/5

FD, Mr Big and Jeff have all spilled their hearts out about various things, their past, their family, their friends etc. GG and Nathan, not so much. This could just be a case of different personalities, but interesting that I felt connected to Mr Big and FD more than the others. 3/5. Possibly a hooking technique.

Communication was a let down for all of them. Even gamer geek isn’t brilliant, but deffo better than the rest. 5/5 – men are just shit.

This blog post has no structure whatsoever. I may come back and tidy it up but that wouldn’t really reflect the way my brain is working today. And besides, if I was blogging for a living, I certainly wouldn’t be wittering on about my dating life, even if I do make some excellent points!

So, the dating app is paused for a bit. I managed to go 3 months on there, spoke to plenty of people and whittled it down to our Matthew.

We really haven’t connected much on an emotional level so that’s what I’m working on over the next couple of dates…Let’s watch this space!

FD #9

And the saga continues.

There’s one thing I’m acutely aware of right now. I get wayyy too excited when I get excited about boys.

Some boys have to earn this, like gamer geek for instance, because the attraction isn’t immediate. For other boys, like FD and Mr Big, my excitement has to be contained because I’m already physically attracted to them.

But no matter which of these beginnings strike in the dating world, once I like somebody, I build up my own hopes and dreams. And I also break my own hopes and dreams when The Menz inevitably fail to live up to my unrealistic expectations.

And whilst my expectations might not be unrealistic, I really only want companionship with somebody funny who is chivalrous and flirty and sexy, who knows how’s to string a sentence or two together with consistency (Ok, so sue me), my imaginations run wild with thoughts on how they fulfil these expectations and that is indeed where I let myself down. And also let them down.

And in hindsight, this was what went wrong with FD and Mr Big. Wayyyy too keen wayyy too early. And then by the time I realised this and pulled back, I pulled back too much and it.just.stopped. I really need to learn a happy medium.

Somehow.

FD text me today. Somebody had left a football top down the park. The top is initialled and this man works at the school the kids in my team and the team in the year below all attend. So he knew exactly who the top belonged to. But, he text me and asked me to share and if that’s him breaking the ice then I’ll take it. I replied and asked him how he was. I referred to the fact we hadn’t spoke for ages and he agreed. He asked me about my walking and shared he was down the park again with some of the kids. I told him about my newfound love for playing Tennis and he shared the link to join his local tennis club. Not my club, the one near him.

And the kisses are back on the texts.

And look at me, reading into it. Hoping.

Yet.

Again.

Witty Title – Fairytales

Once upon a time, there was a little Princess who was born into a less than privileged setting. She grew up strong and determined. She rebelled and forged her own path growing into a success, ambitious, independent woman. She had a fulfilled life with lots of love in family and friends and hobbies and interests that allowed her to explore her own personal knowledge and experiences.

But deep down, something was missing. She wanted companionship, somebody to share in her wonderful achievements and hobbies. Somebody to laugh with and make dinner with and hike with, somebody to support and cheerlead. Somebody to cuddle up to or make love to.

And one day, when she stopped worrying, and stopped overthinking, and stopped trying to guess, and just relaxed, Prince Charming knocked on her door (or iPhone App in this fairytale) bowed down in front of her and showered her with quality time, laughter and friendship.

For four glorious months, they chatted, went on adventures and dated. He bought food, she cooked, they found mutual enjoyment in the outdoors and films and sports such as tennis and football. They had their separate interests too and were able to spend time apart without getting bored or lonely or needing to fill up time with each other, even though the princess wanted to.

Now this fairytale princess took a long time to trust this Prince Charming. He was too nice, too secure, too normal, to look after a princess. And the princess kept asking ‘this isn’t quite right’ and ‘do I even like him’?

The Princess was scared to admit it. Because all her life she had experienced liking and loving someone with rejection. She had led a life of unrequited loves.

But, eventually, the day came where she finally accepted him, for who he was, admitting her attraction, admitting she had gotten used to his presence in her life. Wanting to explore beyond the superficial and dig a little deeper. He knew she was looking for a marriage. He knew about her Elvis superman status. He knew her bad habits, he was accepting of her and she was of him.

And so the story goes….

He ghosted her.

Gamer Geek #2

There are two things that really turn me on in a man. Independence and banter.

Don’t get me wrong, I am superficial too. I like a guy to have a certain look, a twinkle in his eye, to dress well and to take care of himself. I just rate independence and banter higher.

And so it’s a good job Gamer Geek has those two in spades. Because he has none of the other qualities. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute. In a puppy dog eyes kinda way, not in the twinkling eyes way. His dress sense is somewhere between indie rock and grandad which is not helped by the long limp hairstyle he is currently sporting. I will forgive him though, none of us have had a haircut in the last 3 months and he’s obviously planning one because he said I wouldn’t be able to pull his hair for much longer. Shame. But ok.

Thing is, I’m not interested in gamer Geek for his outward look. He has wonderful values that gel with mine. He has hobbies to keep him busy and therefore I don’t feel pressure to fill his time. We enjoy similar things, playing games, sports (football and tennis) and he’s the first guy I have met who enjoys hiking more than I do and doesn’t need to wait for me to organise things, he’s very proactive in that sense. Oh, and if you didn’t guess from my nickname, he’s a huge nerd. He has manners, chivalry and a great sense of humour and I really don’t have to chase and keep making suggestions hoping he’ll take the bait, dating is easy and is a mutual back and forth and I don’t have to question anything. All wins in my little black book.

And this wouldn’t be typical of my blog without me describing the bedroom antics.

It’s definitely not what I am used to. Gentle and unhurried. Just good old fashioned love making I guess? I dunno, it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced truly sensual sexy time. It’s the type of sex I would expect 3 months in, which I suppose we are. But there’s no sense of urgency, and I think we all want to know that secretly we wish we were ripping each other’s clothes off and doing it where they land instead of always moving up to the bedroom. And actually, I’m very surprised at GG’s lack of big dick energy considering he could also have the nickname Mr Big. He doesn’t turn me on in quite the same way though, I don’t get those immediate pangs of ‘I want you now!’ when I look at him but that’s OK right? We’ve slept together three times, I didn’t orgasm the first two, but I still enjoyed it immensely, I was super turned on and writhing about, making noises that I didn’t know I could make! But I’m still worried that I’m gliding into something with no real foundation, I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. Yes I’m being open to a slow burn, but what if I never get those immediate pangs? We’ve talked about a weekend trip in June, so I’m pretty confident he likes me because he’s also quite hard to read but what if I’m still only half-assed about him by then?

Nice guy, with his own interests, a job, his own place, no baggage, chivalrous, funny, we like similar things, sensual, generous.

All those qualities, absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.

And yet, I’m questioning if it’s right. Geez!

Do I need therapy?

FD #7 or is it #8?

At the very first second of the very first minute of the very first hour of the very first day that I was conscious of this 2021st year, I read the following words ‘Happy New Year Babes’.

And those four little words created an excitement in me that I just couldn’t contain. So much so, I told everybody who would listen about it…you guys, my lovely readers, my friends, my colleagues. Even my Mum and I don’t tell her anything (because she doesn’t need to know that her daughter is a hoe). And for anybody who doesn’t know the history of FD (Football Dad) then please view nearly all posts published between October and January. I then spent a good 6 weeks obsessing over his uncharacteristic pet name, despite the fact, as it turned out, that that was the end of his investment and effort in our ‘what could have been’ relationship.

And you might be wondering ‘why on earth is she re-hashing this old story? Bringing him up?’ Don’t worry, I can hear you all shouting ‘let it go, love!’

But the reason I am bringing it up is because I went back to football training tonight and as this is how we know each other, he was there. I saw him. Looking all fine in his shorts and t-shirt, flexing his muscly arms and winning smile. And instantly I remember why I crush on him. Damnit!

And of course he was keen to say hello, and crack a joke.

I was not so warm.

I promised myself I would be my usual friendly, chatty self. I wouldn’t let the humiliation affect my interaction with him. But I am not made that way. And truthfully, I was pissed. Pissed at him for showing up looking finer than Adonis himself. Pissed at him for being chatty and friendly like n o t h i n g has ever potentially happened between us. Pissed at him for not helping me with my balls. Pissed at him for smiling and forcing me to chat and hold his eye contact.

Just pissed.

And you know what I’m pissed at even more? Myself. For allowing the feelings of frustration and anger to seep in and not be indifferent to the whole thing like I so desperately wanted to be. I’m obviously not over it.

The good news is, I don’t feel the same intense level of crush on him. Yes, I’m attracted to him but I don’t feel like I want to act on it anymore. And added to that I found myself disliking some of the endearing qualities that initially attracted me to him, his ‘loud’ presence and his height. I’ve never ruled out any man because of his height but I’d 100% tower over him in my heels, so I’m latching onto that. And he’s updated his WhatsApp status to ‘Road Man’ and whilst it might be a joke, I 100% deserve better than a god damn road man, Nike kicks, sweat pants and puffer jackets are not what I want to be sat opposite when I’m sharing my hilarious stories over a Malibu and pineapple.

So that’s progress.

Hopefully, all of that will continue to slowly turn me off, and the fact we are in contact again, no matter how small, doesn’t start re-ignite the fire….but if anybody has any tips on turning my pissy feelings into cool indifference then I would love to hear them!

Also…note to self. Don’t tell Mum anything unless you want to hear ‘how’s things going with that guy from football?’ forever!!

Gamer Geek #1

If ever this secret blog was discovered by any of the subjects I write about, I would be mortified. Not because I’m ashamed per se, but who would want to read the naked truth of our situation? Or read how crazy I really am. Or in the case of some, how brutally honest I have been about them.

If it was me being bought to life in words for the blogging world to see by somebody else, I think I would die from humiliation alone. But I’d definitely bring it up. So, just in case I am discovered by any of the men in my life, past or present…Hi!

The reason I’m writing that is because I have told GG about the blog! I’ve not given him a link or a name (hell to the no-effing-way am I that brave) but I’ve shared that I blog as an outlet to let my crazy out and put it down on paper. I said I might read him an example one day and he said OK. He’s not pushed it.

Why did I tell him? GG and I had a proper date at last. Well. A proper date under COVID….food, booze, games and a sleepover. He bought the food, booze, chocolate, even an Easter egg!! All I did was get a little loose-tongued after downing half a bottle of Malibu and a few Tequila shots (self-medicine for not getting the dream job) and provide a bed to sleep in. The booze was only there for losing the games we played but I clearly didn’t understand the rules. Or care for them tbh.

GG spent the night, we cuddled, made-out a little. We didn’t go all the way, despite us both wanting to, especially the next morning. Neither of us seemed in any rush and so we both just spent the morning laughing, cuddling, exploring, eating and sipping tea.

Before he left he asked me when he could see me again, and made it very clear that 2 weeks was too long to wait. The next night my plans changed, I booked a holiday (please COVID gods, I need some sun 🤞🏻🤞🏻) and watched a movie instead of hanging out with friends on zoom for a games night. I also got a new cat this week (more on this in another post) but if it wasn’t for this cat, I’d have been over his place and I’d be writing this post from his bed instead. I’m at that point where I want to spend more time with him but equally I don’t want to go and give him all my free time. This is a fine balancing act because I really do value my independence and I’ll only give it up for someone really special.

So, I am fully in camp GG. I’m still not fully crushing on him though as there’s still something missing, but whatever that is, I’m at a point where I’m willing to find it. Or at least try. And even if it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious or long-term, it’s nice to remember that I don’t have to be a sexual goddess to keep a man interested. Or rather I am more interesting than what I can do in the bedroom.

And anybody who says two weeks is too long to see me again, having witnessed the mess that comes with downing half a litre of Malibu and copious tequila shots, is a keeper!

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Men are like Buses

Is it any coincidence that in the week that I start online dating, suddenly every male friend I have in my life wants more? Can they see or just sense my dating aura has turned from red to green?

Or is it purely that I’m just open to a conversation now rather than ignoring people in my attempt to be more date ready?

Funny, huh?

Except FD *rolls eyes*

Reminds me of a poem by Wendy Cope: