Hopeless

Hopeless romantics scare me. Have you never been scarred from love? Please tell me what that is like if you are a hopeless romantic.

What does hopeless romantic even mean?

Since giving in to the love I feel for GG and accepting that I am loved and in love, I’ve been in a very sappy mood.

I’m daydreaming a bit more often, I’m seeing couples for the first time in ages and smiling at PDA’s instead of cringing. I’m lying on the sofa or in bed wishing that GG was with me on the nights I’m alone, and telling him so (I don’t ordinarily, because I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man). My independence has dive-bombed and I’m now looking ahead on how I can fill my free days with GG, planning dates and fun things to do, or just deciding to chill and eat some food before getting an early night. It is close to 8 months, yet the bedroom antics are as wild as ever.

I’m a firm believer that if a guy tells you he loves you after sex or alcohol, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. That oxytocin has us all messed up.

GG and I have just spent the best part of a week with my son on the English coast. We’ve been camping. One night, after a particularly dirty bedroom session (I really can’t go into detail, because our sex life can be rather twisted and I am honestly ashamed of myself, but not so ashamed that I won’t do it again, you feel me?) GG says ‘ I fucking love you’.

It wasn’t immediately afterwards, and GG has been telling me he loves me for at least a month, so I allowed it. I replied ‘oh yeah? I love you more’. It was as simple and straight forward as that, but in the moment I said it, after nearly a week of watching him playing and supporting my son, hearing their laughter and seeing him nurture him, I couldn’t hold it in. It might also have been the oxytocin you see, but when I woke up the next day, I knew I’d meant it. As we packed all our stuff away and loaded the car and van up with our gear, me returning home and GG off to visit some friends to do some more camping, I did not want to say goodbye. I hugged him and I didn’t want to let go. I kissed him and I didn’t want to stop.

So, what is a hopeless romantic? Can a love cynic be turned? Because I think ya gal right here, miss independent pants who doesn’t need a man, who won’t give up her free time, who thinks the Menz are dogs and they deserve nothing, is becoming one.

Crazy Train pt4

Is there a Goldilocks zone for telling someone you love them? Too early and it’s just weird. Too late? Well, that’s my question. Can telling somebody that you love them ever be too late?

Please see Crazy Train Pt1 Crazy Train Pt2 and Crazy Train Pt3 for further context

GG told me he loved me on 11th July. That’s a month ago.

I still haven’t said those words to him. Partly because as you all know, ima but if a psychotic mess at times and I’m overthinking my feelings for him and I don’t want to say those three little words without meaning them and it doesn’t help when I have temptations thrown in my face and and and.

See all these excuses I’m making?

Truthfully though, what do those three little words even mean anyway if not backed up by actions? And this leads me onto a complaint, a very minor complaint, but still.

Gg fails to send me kisses on his goodnight texts and rarely texts good morning.

Now, in the grand scheme of telling me he loves me, organising weekend trips, making efforts to get to know my son, introducing me to his family, cooking my dinner and doing minor chores for me, you are thinking this is insignificant.

And you would be right. It is insignificant in the grand scheme of all those other things. But it’s the small things that really matter. Because I can do all those big things myself. I’m grateful for when he does them of course, and I appreciate him for those things, but it’s the little things that make the most impact.

Like little ‘post it’s’ randomly left.

Or finding my fave chocolate in the fridge

Or picking up those rare crisps you love that hardly anywhere sells

Or randomly sending me breakfast when I’m working at home and have a ton of stuff to do

Folding my laundry (I cannot explain just how much I despise this task)

Send good night and good morning texts. With Xx’s

Back scratches and tickles.

These are all things I have done or do for GG. And are worth way more than the three words ‘I love you’

And I know words of affirmation are some peoples love language. But it’s not mine. And it’s not GG’s.

I guess the thoughtfulness that was there in the beginning has started to wear off.

I wouldn’t mind but we haven’t even had an argument. 8 months!! This makes me suspicious…because it usually means he’s a bottler. The silent treatment type. The passive aggressive.

I had 13 years of it and let me tell you, it’s worse than yelling.

The crazy train continues….

Crazy Train Pt3

‘When love is not madness, it is not love’

How much do you guys agree with this statement?

I’m not sure. I’ve had loves that have their own kind of madness. Not all of these loves have resulted in a relationship. I’ve loved people from afar. And I’ve been in relationships that have been all-consuming.

The all-consuming loves bring excitement and electricity and wonder and yearning and desire and and and.

But my most successful loves (despite them ending, because life happens) have not been all-consuming. They are steady. And secure. They are peaceful, low energy. Safe.

But I’m not the kind of person who would be satisfied by that for an entire life. I need the adventure and excitement like I need my next breath.

I love GG. I haven’t told him. I’m scared that I recognise that the relationship we have, as wonderful as it is, does not fulfil me in adventure and excitement.

It’s really hard to change habits you know. Self sabotage when it has been life-long is a tricky one to curb. My head knows that what we have together is beautiful. Im grateful for it. It’s peaceful. And lord knows after the up and down few years of dating I’ve had, peaceful is what I need.

My head also knows I love him. But my heart and my body just isn’t catching up. I’m logical by nature. My head always overrules my emotions and in most cases that is the right way to approach things. I think?

But how do you will the heart and body along.

I’m comparing again, and I know I shouldn’t. And this is a moot point because neither happened. But how would I be feeling today if this 7 month relationship had been with either FD or Mr Big? Would I even be questioning my feelings?

A big fat NOPE!

So why am I doing it with GG? It’s unfair. I’m unfair. I’m being unfair.

And I can’t be sure I’m looking for reasons here, I’m almost drawing up a pro’s and cons list which is also unfair. I mean, I’d feel pretty shit if it was the other way round, but considering all of the amazing qualities of GG, there really are very few bad bits. Except….there’s a distinct lack of spontaneity. And it’s the spontaneity that I think the quote at the start of this blog refers to. Not crazy in love; I’m not talking about the love that makes you wonder if they are into you. Where they are. Who they are with. The double/triple/quadruple texts. I’m talking about the madness that makes people elope to far away places for shotgun weddings. The madness that makes people vulnerable to being hurt when they’ve not allowed it before. The madness of riding 100 down a motorway with wind in your hair and 1200CC’s between your legs (a motorbike metaphor). The madness of wanting to rip each other’s clothes off at any given moment.

Is it really too much to want to be slammed over the kitchen side whilst I’m making toad-in-the-hole?

Just wouldn’t cross GG’s mind even though it does mine. And I tell him. Often.

The struggle (even though it shouldn’t exist) continues…

Crazy Train Pt2

It’s dark. GG is drunk.

I’m already reeling from the introspection of the last 3 seconds before he finally blurts out what I have been sensing and therefore trying to sabotage for the last few weeks.

I don’t respond immediately. Aside from the fact I’ve just taken a moment to reflect and accurately recognise my selfish behaviour, I’m also conscious that GG is feeling 9 beers brave.

‘Oh, you feeling brave tonight. Is that because of the beer?’ I ask.

Yeah, I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while, but only now do I have the courage’

‘Hmmm’ i murmur, because I don’t know what else to say. This isn’t a conversation I want to be having at nearly 2am on a Monday morning and I especially don’t want to be having it knowing he is drunk and may not remember too well when we do wake up.

So I kiss him enthusiastically, because regardless of how I feel about all this, knowing somebody loves you is incredible. He doesn’t ask me for an answer or push me for any response in kind and then we drift off, with my arms and legs wrapped around him in what I call the koala bear snuggle.

I open my eyes to the harsh sunlight coming through the windows. I take a peep across the bed and GG is awake. Before me. This is rare.

I smile. He leans over and kisses my forehead saying good morning. I know he’s hungover, so I tell him I’ll go make the tea. With extra sugar.

We spend the morning doing what young couples in love do, showered, made breakfast and watched the rabbit hole that is YouTube. He invites me stay for lunch to meet his friend. And his dad, but I realise I haven’t re-lined the kitty litter and kitty needs feeding so I need to get home.

I can’t decide if this is a brilliant stroke of luck as an excuse to get out of there or if I’ve genuinely got concerns for my cat who has survived 12 whole years, mostly fending for himself. Either way, the cat is allowing me to dodge yet another situation I’m not quite ready for.

But before I leave, I can’t not say anything. Because then I really would be THE worst.

I’ve slept on it. I’ve had all morning to think about how I feel about him.

So I ask ‘are you still feeling 9 beers brave?’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, last night you told me you love me. Do you remember?’

‘Yes. And I mean it. I love you’

I smile at him. ‘I’m not very good at being vulnerable and talking about my feelings. But I’m crazy about you and I’m very happy you are in my life. It’s just gonna take me a little while longer’

Temporary Madness

I’m the worst person in the world. THE worst.

In the same week that GG gave me a key to his house (!!!) and where he had a bubble bath waiting for me with candles after the worlds longest day at work, I decided it would be a good idea to test the waters with Mr Big.

I got the reaction I was expecting, it’s a one way street to casualville. I’m learning that the sooner I speak up, the less likely I am to spiral into overthinking. So now I have my answer.

And I thought about whether it is possible to break habits? My contentment with GG is what is making me happy right now and I should chalk the feelings I have been having over the few weeks as a temporary blip.

Slowly learning to recognise and experience what is a good thing as opposed to just imagining what it should be in my head.

Revelation

Let’s make this quick.

Profound levels of understanding about myself don’t happen very often. But I think, I THINK, that I have stumbled across one.

I will happily go 2, maybe 3 years living the single life, enjoying what it has to offer. But because the men I choose have similar outlooks to me, I tend not to have any deep or meaningful connection with them. Over time this leads to lowering self-esteem and I get to a point where I need validation that I’m worthy of more than sex. Or worth more than an ego boost to these men. So I get to a point where I meet people who are nice and safe who I have to build slow burns with because I’m not immediately attracted to them and therefore I know I can’t get hurt because I won’t have feelings for them.

But by doing it, I have proven myself worthy of being somebody’s girlfriend and thus builds my self-esteem. Then after a few months of re-building, I’m like ‘this isn’t for me’ because I want the passion, the crush, the desire that comes with somebody exciting.

But the exciting ones never want any form of commitment.

This is my pattern.

This is it guys and gals!

The S Word.

How do you know if you are settling for something?

Is settling OK?

Or should we be striving for the absolute best?

It’s been five months with GG, 6 if you include the talking/virtual stage before we actually went on a date.

The list of good qualities he has just pours out of me, kind, generous, laid back, funny, charming, fit, geeky.

So, you would think after 6 months, I would have met at least one friend or at least one member of the family and I would definitely have heard something along the veins of ‘I love you’. Not necessarily that direct, but things like ‘I’m crazy about you’ or ‘you make me so happy’ or ‘I can’t imagine my world without you in it’ or ‘I miss you’. None of these things have happened.

My love language is quality time, closely followed by acts of service. Physical touch and words of affirmation are sub-par to the above but that doesn’t mean I don’t need them. Because I do. I hold no value of gift-giving, albeit, I do think it has it’s place in a relationship that isn’t just directly related to birthdays, holidays and Christmas.

And I don’t think you can say one person is 100% a love language, because it’s more like a spectrum;

I’m 36% Quality Time, 30% Acts of Service, 18% Words of Affirmation 10% physical touch and 6% gift giving.

And my love language will increase or decrease depending on any given scenario I am in, but in general the above is an accurate reflection of how I give love and how I like to receive love.

I get a lot of quality time from GG. Assuming cooking or buying dinner is considered an act of service, then he tries really hard. But there’s not much else. There’s very little words of affirmation, he can choke out ‘you look pretty’ when I’ve made an effort. He’s not into PDA which is fine but he does like to gift things, either buying dinner, or bringing a bottle of wine or buying chocolate.

And I feel guilty, because as much as those things are nice, it’s not what I really need. I can buy my own things, you know?

And so, I’ve done the worst thing I can do, I’ve started drawing comparisons. Comparisons to other people, ex’s, tv, social media. I know I shouldn’t. I know. I don’t need anybody telling me why I shouldn’t draw comparisons but the other side of the coin is that we use our past experiences to develop an internal radar. We have a gut. We have instincts. We are animals after all.

My instinct is telling me that I’m settling.

Remember my boundaries post? And how I was adamant that I would not invest in somebody who wasn’t investing in me?

Well, GG has met my parents. We’ve talked about meeting my son. He’s been on the phone to my friends with me. All these things which are normal building blocks to a relationship, yes?

And while I’m trying to build my blocks, every time I look over, my metaphorical wall is always much higher than GG’s.

Now I’m not saying he doesn’t make an effort and isn’t investing. He’s just organised a weekend away, we had a lovely time and he’s organised another the end of this month.

He’s asked me to be a plus 1 for a wedding in October. OCTOBER! So there’s the future element of building going on, but it feels superficial. It’s surface level. Do you agree? Or have I started my usual of overthinking?

I need to be honest here too, because the doubt has crept in for two reasons;

1) 6 months is usually make or break time for me. It’s like I have an internal body clock telling me, here you go, 6 months in, decide if it’s worth your time/effort to continue things forward. But then I think, hang on, that’s your pattern and the whole point of the last 18 months was about recognising patterns and changing them. So then I think, no decisions need to be made now but then I think again and I don’t want to waste another couple of months if it leads me to the same conclusion.

2) After 3 months going cold turkey, managing to avoid any contact with Mr Big, we’ve done nothing but see each other or talk to each other (professionally of course) over the last two weeks.

And damn if my body doesn’t just vibrate around him. It’s like I’m on a completely different frequency with him to anybody else. Not even football dad had that effect on me when I was at the height of my crush. The babes comment? Pah!! Nothing on what I feel when Mr Big is in my midst.

And whilst I know Mr Big and I have no future unless it is to bounce each other off the bed every once in a while, I do wonder…can I find that buzz with someone else? If I can, I should probably do the kind thing and bring the pleasure that has been GG to an end. Would I even feel that buzz if things were right with GG and I? I should feel that buzz with GG, right? And if I can’t find that buzz with someone else, is that settling or is that normal? By not actively pursuing the ‘buzz’ I feel like I may just end up in something boring and unfulfilling, but I’ve only ever followed the buzz and it’s never got me anywhere. I said buzz a lot. There, I said it again. I’ll stop now.

And I know not all days, hours, minutes are constant excitement, but I’m scared that I’ll end up 13 years into another relationship being unhappy. It’s harder to start over in your when approaching 50 than it is when you are approaching 30.

So, to quote Shakespeare, ya know, if Shakespeare was a 30-something-female living in the post-Covid dating world in 2021….

‘To settle or not to settle? That is the question’

Bad Ass – The Fear

I’m a bad ass.

Or at least I’ve been reading a book called ‘You are a Bad Ass’ by Jen Sincero so that’s basically the same thing.

It a self-help book, about cutting out what drags you down in life and only seeking out high frequency opportunities. Or at least learn to recognise when to take them.

This blog has been high frequency for me over the last 12 months. Pouring out my emotions and ups and downs, my neurosis, my crazy. But I think something happened, that I did not expect or intend. By writing down all those things and looking back on them, I started to see a pattern form. My overzealousness (is that a word?), my ‘quick to flirty banter’ nature, my overthinking, they were all getting in the way of my happiness.

Jen Sincero writes that you have to go through the rough before you launch into the life you truly deserve. I can demonstrate that in my life. I think I’ve unwittingly been following her guided path for a few years: starting out with the separation from my son’s dad, buying a house that was a run-down. I got a promotion. Then I got another promotion. In the meantime I’ve met several men, all lovely in their own right, but currently the only man for me in this moment is GG. But it hasn’t always been plain sailing. I’ve had to fight bosses who are just mean/horrid people. I was off work with depression and anxiety for 6 months. I’ve never had enough money to do up my run-down house so it’s taken me 5 years to get where I am and it’s still not finished. I now have to live with my ex and my cousin being together. I’ve been hurt and humiliated by men.

My current life dilemma, is whether to give up coaching football. My son doesn’t want it anymore, and so it is a lot to commit to when you were only doing it for your son in the first place. Problem is, I love coaching. I manage the team, and although I’d quite happily live without the planning and organising, I don’t want to stop the fun stuff, kicking the ball around a field and watching my boys develop and progress. But if I stick to the principles of Jen’s ‘You are a bad ass’ then I need to trust the process and understand this is what the universe has in store for me.

And I need to recognise the time that football takes up as additional free time and therefore, an opportunity. I’ve been thinking about some ideas. My friend and I formed the basis of a business idea last year and whilst I kinda made steps to begin building it, the whole idea trailed off because it was just too hard.

Too hard? I single-handedly raise a boy, maintain a house, keep a resemblance of order, I manage a large team in a very busy police force successfully full-time and have laid down the foundations and built a football team successfully in my spare time. Renovation wise; I have tiled my bathrooms, re-laid plumbing, cut down tree’s, transformed my garden. In amongst all that, I have dated, cared for my grandparents and maintained relationships with friends, despite it being a weird year and honestly, climbing inside my cocoon was liberating!

And I suppose it is all relative. Somebody who doesn’t have children, who lives at home or two parent families or those with no responsibility other than for themselves could consider my life hard but setting up a business is easy.

Well, the business idea is my fear. I have no idea where to start. Who to approach. How to explore. What it takes to kick start it off the ground. The other stuff comes to me like second-nature. The bad-assery that Jen Sincero refers to is about pushing through the fear. The fear of failure. The fear of what people will think of you. The fear of how to get started. The fear of what people might say, your friends/family. The fear of imposter syndrome telling you you’re not good enough.

I’ve struggled with this blog over the last few weeks/months. Not because I have nothing to write about, because I have. Always. But because what I can write isn’t really in keeping with the content of this blog.

I feel like a fraud. I fear that my regular readers will be like – ‘Yo! Dis Boring man! ‘

But if blogging is something that makes me happy and tunes into my higher frequency, would should I let that fear stop me?

So…there may be a transition of sorts coming. I can’t say for certain that my blogging content will change or if it does, I can’t describe what it might be right now, but I certainly won’t be letting the fear stop me!

Get Jen Sincero’s audiobook on Spotify:

A case of the grumps…

Sorry. I’ve been awol.

I’ve lost a lot of the motivation I started out with this year. Is it the time of the year? Is it something in the air? Is it ok to lose motivation?

I’ve just finished celebrating my birthday. The guy I’m seeing has referred to himself as my boyfriend, so we’re official.

I got promoted at work. My football team are winning.

I have nothing to be grumpy about.

Maybe it’s the hormones, my period is due but that would only explain one or two days and not this incessant cloud of misery which has descended over me.

To make matters worse, my boyfriend is also grumpy because his football team lost their Europa cup final. And this is further making me grumpy. Like Pandora’s box. Has my grump created a confidence in him to be grumpy? Because that’s not how this works. I can be grumpy, he makes me feel better. He is not allowed to be grumpy because I can’t be arsed with emotional people.

I joke, kinda. I’m not insensitive, although some part of me thinks there are better things to be grumpy over than a game of football.

And I’ve been rather dutiful and asked how I can make him feel better, but I hit a dead end with ‘I dunno’.

So now I’m even more grumpy.

So I got the grumps which created the grumps which has given me the grumpy grumps.

Vicious circle.

Witty Title – Routine

I am currently sat next to my boyfriend while he plays a game called Destiny which he is super excited about as a new release landed today.

I say boyfriend, it’s not been officially confirmed or anything, I just know he’s my boyfriend and I’m his girlfriend…boys always need a few extra weeks to catch up don’t they and I’m pretty confident I’ll be getting a birthday card that says ‘to my girlfriend’ at the end of the month.

And although neither of us have referred to each other in terms of ownership (my man/my girl, not in a controlling way, calm down), this is how I know I am his girlfriend…my gamer geek boyfriend’s favourite game dropped a new release and he still insisted that I come over for dinner and spend the night.

I did say he could have his night with the boys, I really didn’t mind, I always have something else I can do, but he was adamant; he would play for a couple of hours and then the rest of the night was mine to do whatever I please. I mean, what kinda girl could turn down an offer like that? I also got the ‘you are amazing’ comment so I’ve earned some serious brownie points (again, not in a controlling way, but it’s give and take for when I accidentally half break his fingers when he tries to tickle me or ruin something in the wash, seriously…calm down). And so, this is how I come to be writing this blog, patiently waiting for date night, but secretly loving the fact GG is enveloping me in his world of virtual reality play which I just KNOW is a big deal.

A few other examples of things I consider big deals that I adore him for: I slept over last week and the sun comes up directly into GG’s bedroom, save for a few vertical blinds, it is bright!!!! I managed to nod back off with a second pillow over my head, so he went and bought me an eye mask. I spotted the mint & tee tree body wash I use in his en-suite as I got ready for work the next day. I also had a belly ache that night thanks to my period and he made me a hot water bottle. He has booked a weekend away for us in the Lake District and last week I was successfully promoted at work and to he showed up with flowers and wine to celebrate. His thoughtfulness and the kindness he shows me is nothing short of amazing. I don’t remember if I rated those things in my boundaries post back in November (Boundaries), probably because I’ve never experienced it, least of all on a scale like this. I need to do an updated boundaries post.

I wouldn’t consider myself an overly thoughtful person, but I have moments of inspiration that come to me. GG is a big fan of Godzilla. So much so that he has recently hung 7 framed Godzilla-related posters on his walls leading up to the top floor of his super geeky techy house. I love it. And he has yet to see the new Godzilla vs Kong film because cinemas are still not open here in the UK. So in order to payback some of his thoughtfulness, I have scored tickets to an open air cinema to watch said film this weekend. Perceptive and thoughtful. He’s also mentioned a new PlayStation game he would like, something called Returnal which looks hard as fuck because there are no save points, and once you die you go back to the start AND the game changes. I dunno how I have managed to retain this useless information in my head, I don’t need to know. And now I’ve imparted that same useless information to you. Anyway, I’m thinking I will buy him the game. It’s 70 smackers but gift giving seems to be his love language and I want to do something special for him.

That, or a blow job.

The point of this post though, which I am finally getting round to is about routine. Last week saw the start of the ‘routine’. What do I mean by routine? I mean, the point at which you realise you want them involved in the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. Or you remember the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. We went food shopping together. Then he asked me to stay the night after a late shift at work. Then we spent the next day working from home side by side. Then it’s tonight and I’m listening to one side of a 3 way conversation and watching strobe lights and fancy effects while grown men try to kill other men and hunt for treasure. I live for the routine.

But.

It’s very easy to get accustomed to routine before you are ready or before you have had time to assess the red flags. Or you grow accustomed to their presence and so losing them becomes harder. The greatest thing I have learned over the last 12 months is probably that in order to get through life you must place a high value on yourself because no-one else will do it for you. Or maybe they will under-value you. Oh I can’t remember the quote, I’m rubbish at remembering things lately, unless it’s nonsense gaming stuff.

The fact that I have remembered the gaming nonsense is proof though that I care for GG, I like him. A lot. Am I falling for him? Hmmm…I think it is too soon for me to answer that truthfully. But doing the mundane stuff with him makes it better, even writing this blog sat next to him I feel more buoyed that usual. And I have a huge smile on my face. Urgh…I think I’ve turned into one of those people who just gushes over how a m a z i n g their boyfriend is. Its fine guys, feel free to call me out on it and bring me back down to earth. I guess because this hasn’t developed as a result of an overpowering, debilitating crush and it has been a slow burn, I’ve been able to build my own value. And work out GG’s value. It’s been so free of drama; totally not what I am used to. As for my other boundaries, there has been investment, flirting, laughter, chivalry and I cant even knock his communication. Would I like more random phone calls? Yes. Does it matter? No. That’s not to say that I would start accepting shitty behaviour, but I am confident if something didn’t feel quite right, I’d call it out and he would respond in a mature way. And if he doesn’t like it and withdraws then his loss, because I am steadily recognising what it means to be in a partnership. But that’s not gonna happen because GG is not one of the shitty men that I am so used to. I’m still a little bewildered that by giving it time, patience and space to grow I seem have broken my own dating pattern.

I don’t think I did that before with any of my prospects. I was too busy assessing their values and forgetting my own. I just couldn’t imagine doing any of this ‘routine’ stuff with FD or Mr Big or any of the ‘datee’s’ I have encountered in the last 12 months. And that got me wondering about whether a crush is actually a warning sign. It’s when all common sense leaves your body so that you are unable to judge the behaviour logically or rationally. It’s no coincidence that all my crushes have been unrequited loves.

And although nobody really knows what tomorrow will bring, I’m probably gonna wake up tomorrow to a cup of tea, I’m gonna shower with my mint/tee tree body wash, I’m gonna get dressed and log on to my laptop and we are gonna work side by side.

And if you are reading this thinking it sounds mundane and boring, I completely agree, but isnt that we strive for? And should all else fail…

GG – what have you done to me?