I’m stroppy & I shouldn’t be. I finally got my period after what felt like a lifetime so maybe that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling, but after such a flurry of activity, football dad has dropped off the face of the earth.
Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration.
Football is cancelled due to lockdown so bye bye Wednesdays. We’ve chatted a bit and we talked about another walk (because what else is there to do) leaving it with him trying to get childcare cover. Dating in lockdown sucks so I sent him a link to a podcast because it seems this dating malarkey and being open are linked, so sharing something I enjoy seemed like the absolute right thing to do. However… for some, this podcast might be a bit controversial, but that is me. I’m a controversial character. I have multiple personalities, my mind goes from 0-100 in less than a second (same for my moods). I will always look for an alternative side to any story. I’m a ‘you either love me or hate me’ kinda character and whilst I’d prefer it if you loved me, I won’t lose any sleep if you hate me. (Actually, I will, I won’t be able to think about anything else, it’ll fester and I’ll probably write about you on this blog). I digress.
So I share the podcast links with football dad which talks about conspiracy theories. I’m not a conspiracy nut; I don’t believe the earth is flat, I’m not an anti-vaxxer, The space shuttle Challenger did break up and COVID19 was not caused by 5G.
However, I’m not entirely convinced we landed on the moon, that 9/11 was an inside job or that this pandemic is a cover for a new world order. These are not solid beliefs either. For me personally, it’s the fact there are many questions unanswered at the moment and I haven’t been totally satisfied with the answers or any versions of events.
I also think Elvis is still alive. Meh, maybe I am a nut? I should have a re-think.
Anyway….. the point of sharing this podcast with him was a way of sharing a small piece of myself. And apart from him asking me what my shifts are this week, I haven’t heard from him since. Maybe he’s too busy listening to all the episodes he doesn’t have time to text me? Patience is something I really need to get a grip of although I also realise that maybe sharing the most controversial aspect of myself was a little optimistic. Then again, why waste time? If he can’t put forward a well thought out argument for any of the topics in the podcast, then perhaps he’s not the man for me?!
So the question is: How much sharing is too much? Opening up to someone is part of the process of dating and putting yourself out there is absolutely necessary even though it is scary and when it doesn’t hit quite right it makes you reluctant to do it again. Maybe I went too fast? Argh! Maybe I’m too much? Argh.
Truth is, I’ve been dumbing down my personality for men for the last few years because I’m ‘intimidating’. WTF does that even mean?! Which then leads me to question my decisions because ‘I want him to like me’! I’ve got my shit together. I’m smart. Can string more than a few sentences together. Financially stable(ish). On the right side of attractive. What’s not to like? Is the more fitting question.
What I have learned this year though (esp from boyfriend no.3) is that you don’t need to dumb yourself down. When a guy is interested in you, these quirky things are what he’ll love most about you regardless of his opinion on them because it is what animates you and makes you happy. And that’s all we want our partners to be!
Update 12 November: So I realise that I have used the word dating a lot in this post when we haven’t discussed if that’s what we are even doing. For all I know he just wants a new friend to hang with and cure boredom (see Lockdown Thirst ) Nevertheless I got a phone call on Tuesday (an actual convo on the phone!!!!eek) and we are meeting up for a walk Saturday. How do I say in a polite, cute, funny way: ‘I want to bone you?’ And do I tell him that I’ve had a crush on him (since at least July)?