Why Can’t I Get This Right?

First of all, I just want to share with you that this is my first laptop written blog. Normally I am typing my posts out on my teeny tiny old school iPhone, which makes me feel like this blogging lark is now actually a hobby and not just some lame diary to get down my random thoughts on love and dating. Even though that’s really all this blog is.

But I need help. Seriously HELLLLLLPPPP!!

My friend and I were discussing my current love-life challenges and my incessant questioning of everything that a guy I like does (or doesn’t do), and it has become apparent (and this whole blog is testament to this) that when I like someone I cant seem to carry my normal confidence and awesomeness across to it. It’s like I suddenly lose all of my inate abilities and I just become a walking, mumbling sack of potatoes. Only, potatoes would be more interesting, fun, confident and awesome than I am. My friend said ‘This side of you really surprises me, you’re normally so confident and you don’t let anything get to you’.

Errrrmmmm…Hello. Do you even know me friend??

But he’s right. I don’t feel this way at all when it comes to my friends, my family, my work, my hobby’s or my coaching. Don’t get me wrong, I do check myself and I have times where I wonder if I’m being a good enough friend, mother, daughter, sister. And I get things wrong at work and in coaching too, but it doesn’t really have me worrying for days. I just learn from it and move on maintaining my sunny disposition to life. And even when I don’t feel like I have been a very good friend or made enough time for my family, or been a very enigmatic coach or boss, I’m able to just ‘forget’ about it and move on. I’m not insensitive to any of these area’s, but I just don’t dwell on them, I stay positive and well, honestly, I just don’t have time to dwell.

But when it comes to a BOY? Who I LIKE? And I feel a modicum of ATTRACTION to? Well, I just cant seem to let it go. I invest wayyyy too much time analysing. Their moves, their words, their texts, their intention. Analysing if I’m doing the right thing, saying the right thing. Am I coming off as too strong? Should I be more girly? Am I trying too hard? Am I being the right amount of sweet and salty? Should I flirt? Should I banter? How many xxxx’s should I put? Should I put any at all? Should I share this podcast? Would he like this song? The sheer anxiety from the weight of these questions sends me into such a spin of crippling paralysis, I often don’t do anything at all. And if I do decide to be brave and reach out, I’m then fretting because if I don’t get a response in what I consider to be an acceptable time frame or what I consider to be right response, those thoughts turn to he’s had enough of me, I’m not love-able, he must think I’m crazy, stupid, dull, boring or the worst of my self criticism’s….unfunny!

How fucking selfish is that? Not only to him because I’m already second-guessing his thoughts about me before I have even given him chance to form any kind of opinion, but also to myself because why on earth would I put myself through it.

And so I have been giving this some thought: oh yay! she’s thinking again. I have had quite an amazing year, despite the fact half of it has been during lock down and nearly all of it has been to the soundtrack of COVID19. I have dated a fair bit AND had fun with it (no really, I have), I’ve become an Auntie again to a beautiful little girl. I feel my relationships with my family are more solid than they have ever been, I have friends that are awesome and I know I can count on who pick me up and who can count on me when they need some unconditional love. I have laughed a lot. I have walked in some beautiful places and discovered amazing things (not to mention lost a stone). I have tried new foods, learned some history, gained an amazing perspective on what to be grateful for, developed a business idea, re-started this blog, successfully navigated my way through a worldwide pandemic, seen my Grandad through a successful heart operation, achieved level 8 in Parenting, saw my U9’s Football Team achieve their first ever league win after all their hard work. Yet somehow, despite all of that great stuff, the lack of intention from one man (who is the equivalent of 0.0000000013% of the population) has me feeling like a failure. WHAT!!

And I think I know why. When it comes to dating and love, I have no tangible proof of anything, and I’m the kind of gal that reads and needs to know things. I need physical confirmation that something is real or feedback that I’m doing well. I get validation from all the other areas of my life which is why I don’t give those aspects of my life much thought. I’m also scared. I really don’t want my heart to be broken. I really don’t want to show how vulnerable and neurotic I am. I don’t want to face rejection and have to talk myself through the mantra of ‘You are good enough, you are amazing, it’s his loss’ over and over until the next walking, talking Adonis comes along and the vicious cycle of waiting for their validation starts all over again.

People tell me all the time I deserve someone. Ok, but have you seen how messy I am, who’s gonna love that? You’re not unlove-able. Yeah, but don’t get too close because I’m really made of invisible barbed wire. You’re gorgeous and funny, any man would be lucky to have you. See these chin pimples? A lucky escape more like. Be patient, you gotta go through some Mr Wrongs before you find Mr Right. I wouldn’t mind Mr Wrong but I seem to only find Mr Fuck No!

I know I said I needed help, but now I don’t even know what help to ask for. It’s obvious that I need some intervention; Hello, my name is Louise and I’m addicted to self-sabotage. The first step is admitting it right? Maybe I should go cold turkey on dating. Hell, why stop there? Celibacy is embraced in many cultures, I could become a modern day Nun, singing gospel songs and donating all this time-wasted on thinking about whether 0.0000000013% of the population thinks I’m good enough to more worthy causes!

She Cray Cray

‘’If she’s single, pretty and fit, she’s crazy.’’

This was a statement by a man. And I’ll be honest, I’m a little triggered.

It’s not because I disagree. But rather the fact that it suggests that women who are the opposite of those words, or who don’t fit all three of those descriptions are not crazy.

One of my bestest friends is completely neurotic. She’s pretty and fit but married and let me tell you, the stories she has told me about her husband and the things she has done are way beyond anything I could ever think up.

– she pretended to be an asian model on linked in and chatted up her husband to see if he’d take the bait

– she deleted an entire hard drive containing photos of him in his previous marriage and binned his previous wedding photos.

– she linked her phone to his so she could get into his emails and Instagram

– doesn’t allow his eldest daughter in their house or to speak her name

– checked his internet history, found porn and so gave the laptop a bath soak

I mean I could go on. And I know men who are equally ‘crazy’, pouring fish oil on car trims and leaving strategically placed make-up in the house, dating family members of their ex.

Ok so men may be more petty than crazy but my point stands.

And most often, the word crazy is used in the context of ‘its a bad thing’. If you ask my friend she’s say her actions come from a place of love, and the men from a place of hurt, anger or jealousy. But it’s interesting that all of these things are steered by emotions.

Now, I’m not saying I’m not crazy. I can definitely fall foul of my own emotions and I’ve done some pretty crazy things when that’s happened….

– I once text a guy who I hadn’t even been on a date with a fucking essay on how I felt such a strong connection and that him going quiet on me had really upset me and he was a cock blah blah blah – turns out his grandmother had died. Awks.

– I imagine any guy with dating potential in the role of groom and if he’d look good in an Elvis costume, and if I don’t think he could pull it off, I discount him immediately (have I mentioned how ambivalent to marriage I am)

– I do a social media trawl so deep that I wind up in a labyrinth of pictures and posts and can’t find my way back.

– I have put myself in places I know they frequent in the hope of running into them, and then ignored them when I do.

– I write a blog detailing all my emotions and thoughts

But are those things red flags? Do these actions that may be considered crazy to men really those of somebody imbalanced? Or is it rather a perception that an inability to manage and control emotions is a bad thing and so we should all walk round like robots? I wonder what my male friend thinks the appropriate adjective for his fellow males of the same categories is? A player? A flake? Emotionally unavailable? Has high standards? High maintenance? A pest? Abusive?

Some of those may well be fitting, but for the majority….

If he’s single, fit and handsome he’s a big fat scaredy cat. I’m going to start calling this Alpha Pussy.

FD#4- Opening Up?

Hmmmph!

I’m stroppy & I shouldn’t be. I finally got my period after what felt like a lifetime so maybe that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling, but after such a flurry of activity, football dad has dropped off the face of the earth.

Ok, maybe that’s an exaggeration.

Football is cancelled due to lockdown so bye bye Wednesdays. We’ve chatted a bit and we talked about another walk (because what else is there to do) leaving it with him trying to get childcare cover. Dating in lockdown sucks so I sent him a link to a podcast because it seems this dating malarkey and being open are linked, so sharing something I enjoy seemed like the absolute right thing to do. However… for some, this podcast might be a bit controversial, but that is me. I’m a controversial character. I have multiple personalities, my mind goes from 0-100 in less than a second (same for my moods). I will always look for an alternative side to any story. I’m a ‘you either love me or hate me’ kinda character and whilst I’d prefer it if you loved me, I won’t lose any sleep if you hate me. (Actually, I will, I won’t be able to think about anything else, it’ll fester and I’ll probably write about you on this blog). I digress.

So I share the podcast links with football dad which talks about conspiracy theories. I’m not a conspiracy nut; I don’t believe the earth is flat, I’m not an anti-vaxxer, The space shuttle Challenger did break up and COVID19 was not caused by 5G.

However, I’m not entirely convinced we landed on the moon, that 9/11 was an inside job or that this pandemic is a cover for a new world order. These are not solid beliefs either. For me personally, it’s the fact there are many questions unanswered at the moment and I haven’t been totally satisfied with the answers or any versions of events.

I also think Elvis is still alive. Meh, maybe I am a nut? I should have a re-think.

Anyway….. the point of sharing this podcast with him was a way of sharing a small piece of myself. And apart from him asking me what my shifts are this week, I haven’t heard from him since. Maybe he’s too busy listening to all the episodes he doesn’t have time to text me? Patience is something I really need to get a grip of although I also realise that maybe sharing the most controversial aspect of myself was a little optimistic. Then again, why waste time? If he can’t put forward a well thought out argument for any of the topics in the podcast, then perhaps he’s not the man for me?!

So the question is: How much sharing is too much? Opening up to someone is part of the process of dating and putting yourself out there is absolutely necessary even though it is scary and when it doesn’t hit quite right it makes you reluctant to do it again. Maybe I went too fast? Argh! Maybe I’m too much? Argh.

Truth is, I’ve been dumbing down my personality for men for the last few years because I’m ‘intimidating’. WTF does that even mean?! Which then leads me to question my decisions because ‘I want him to like me’! I’ve got my shit together. I’m smart. Can string more than a few sentences together. Financially stable(ish). On the right side of attractive. What’s not to like? Is the more fitting question.

What I have learned this year though (esp from boyfriend no.3) is that you don’t need to dumb yourself down. When a guy is interested in you, these quirky things are what he’ll love most about you regardless of his opinion on them because it is what animates you and makes you happy. And that’s all we want our partners to be!

Update 12 November: So I realise that I have used the word dating a lot in this post when we haven’t discussed if that’s what we are even doing. For all I know he just wants a new friend to hang with and cure boredom (see Lockdown Thirst ) Nevertheless I got a phone call on Tuesday (an actual convo on the phone!!!!eek) and we are meeting up for a walk Saturday. How do I say in a polite, cute, funny way: ‘I want to bone you?’ And do I tell him that I’ve had a crush on him (since at least July)?

FD#3 – Slow-Burn Kitten

At the weekend I was lucky enough to spend a whole day with football dad. A whole day!! We covered 21 miles on foot, it took 7.5 hours and we laughed and chatted non-stop the whole way! Not that either of us have classified these meet ups as official dates, but away from football we have spent a total of 12 hours together in just 3 ‘dates’. That can only be a good sign, right?

We got to talk about loads yesterday, lots of things about our past, previous boyfriends/girlfriends. Relationship breakdowns. Our families. Goals. Jokes. How we feel about dating now and being single. My cheeks ached from all the laughing and smiling I did. He has been through the mill with his ex’s though and although I get all the signs that he’s into me (light flirting, eye contact, teasing, questions about me, touching me, I even got a half cuddle and an arm around my back at one point) he needs something/someone that is going to go slowly, take their time, not rush in (despite the fact our ‘dates’ have escalated quickly to 7 hours spent together) so that’s what I’m going to do.

Trouble is how the hell do you go slow??? Because I’m smitten! I have had the biggest smile on my face over the last few weeks and I’m practically beaming after yesterday! The NRE (not that this has been classified as a relationship) makes me want to chat to him and see him and bug him and tell him everything. I’d love to try not getting too involved because I could be totally wrong and he isn’t that interested, and if that is the case I’m going to be very disappointed.

So how in the world do I go slow?

1) Don’t talk everyday, initiate contact couple times a week but be sure to reply to him if he contacts you.

2) Don’t stalk his entire family. Just don’t. Nah ah! Stop scrolling. Oh nice Fridge. God damn it.

3) Now that you have failed number 2, forget every bodies names because you don’t want to blurt out ‘How’s Loz’s recovery coming along’ before he’s even said my Sister’s name is Lauren.

4) Be as understanding for him as you would expect for yourself, particularly when it comes to the children

5) Learn Patience. Accept the fireworks that erupt and feel the joy, But slow-burn means not seeking that high every day. All good things come to those who wait.

6) Google the benefits of a slow-burn and then write your own diary entry into a blog named ‘There never was a saint’ and pray to god that he will never, ever, ever, ever see it!

Too Many Choices…The End

It’s official. It’s taken 10 months but I have zero boyfriends (loose term).

I know some people may look unfavourably at me for having been juggling several men at the same time, however not a single one of them made any real effort with me so if that isn’t a reason to date in multiples then I don’t know what is. However, here are just a few of the efforts I made for them:

•Cooked H/M Sausage Rolls •Walk (Tour) of my childhood ‘playground’ •10km walk followed by surprise picnic •candlelit massage •paid for dinner •bought in favourite dessert •rented favourite movie •invited them on a trip •invited them to parties’•made breakfast •invited them into my home •shared my dreams and plans •Train journeys to see them

And yes there was sex. I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Am I trying too hard? Am I too closed off? Do I need to be more open?

But you know what? Fuck that! I’m fine. It’s these idiots blokes who can’t see a good thing in front of them. Yes I am difficult. Yes I am busy. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do, I’m quick to argue and I’m stubborn but listing all of the things I did above shows me that I do care, I am open, I am thoughtful and I am romantic and that’s for men I’m half assed about and know are half assed about me…imagine what I’d do for a guy I really like and matches my effort?!?!?!

From this day forward, I will no longer waste my efforts on a man who doesn’t give the same back. An effort to communicate is my top requirement. Note to self: Remember, your gut has never steered you wrong, deep down it’s always been right you’ve just allowed your head to overrule it by overthinking and making excuses for them. Stop it. Anybody who cares for you will show it! Trust your gut and all those affirmations will come to pass.

Self Sabotage?

Boyfriend no.3 and I finally went to bed together.

Meh

We had a really lovely evening of food and cocktails, and we planned afterwards to watch a movie at mine. We made it through the whole thing. Then I said he could stay over. Then we went to bed. I was adamant that it wasn’t going to happen. He agreed it wouldn’t.

And then it did. Because apparently I need validation and because he is actually a typical man who can’t ‘lie next a beautiful woman and just cuddle’! And so began an hour (maybe less) of what I can only describe as rabbit sex.

It was exactly what I expected. No compatibility, I gave him some cues which he found difficult to follow or maintain (or just didn’t give a shit).

I was pinned into some very unusual positions which did nothing for me. Eventually I climbed on top and rode myself to climax. He didn’t cum. I cleaned myself up, went to sleep and the next morning I felt like shit because I really didn’t want it happen, he knew I didn’t want it to happen but somehow I ended up instigating the most mundane sex of my life.

But worse than that, I woke up feeling like I had cheated on boyfriend no.1. I felt guilty over a guy who can’t string along two text messages.

Honest to god, I’m a train wreck. No wonder I’m single!

Self Discovery

I’ve always thought myself reasonably self aware. I wouldn’t say I have me down to tea, because there is always room for improvement. But I bring this up for two reasons: 1) I can’t get passed D the Pilot, even though I know he doesn’t offer me what I want and 2) D the dustman is everything I could possibly want or need in a partner and yet I just can’t feel the attraction, he is perfect friend zone material. What a cliché!

But seriously, why? What is it about non-committal men that is so attractive to me? Why don’t I find the guys who want to commit attractive?

And Bingo! The lightbulb went on…I don’t want to commit. You remember that whole self aware thing? Yeah? I already know I’m selfish, I’m ambitious, I’m career driven, I’m a go getter, I have high standards, not willing to settle, blah blah blah! But actually, I’ve learned I am ambivalent! I have an avoidant attachment type, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get attached. With the right person I am a real romantic, but it requires effort and I’m yet to find a man I want to put in the effort for.

So that is why the guy who doesn’t show any signs of any form of commitment gets me pumped. I know he’s not going to take me away from my busy active routine. I know he’s going to be available on the odd occasion I am horny. I won’t have to date him, and go out in public and possibly have to acknowledge him to people I know. The effort isn’t needed.

Broken Halo

Boyfriend number 3 and I have been chatting for a good couple of months. We’ve dated and I’ve always felt there was something missing. There was no great spark, you know? No butterflies. No fanny flutters. Just nice.

He is constantly telling me I am beautiful though, and what girl doesn’t love to hear that. Um hello! So I have stayed with it because we agreed in the beginning that I wasn’t interested in anything and that the only thing on offer was friendship. However this week, things took a turn and my sappy giant turned the conversation into something a lot less PG. I’d been avoiding this. Not because I’m a prude. Or because I had at sexting, but just because I didn’t want sex to be the hook (for a change). But I’ve never been the golden girl and so D and I exchanged some pretty filthy ideas over the course of the afternoon.

And I’m really confused about how I feel? At the time, I was a little hot under the collar. OK a lot! But when the fun subsides, I still don’t fancy him? Or do I? Arghhhhhh

So… am I attracted to him? Or the written word. How do I know? Is there a word for somebody who gets turned on by reading and not physically? Omg is there something wrong with me?

Man Down Let Down

So boyfriend number 2 and I called time on our brief affair. I don’t use the term affair in the literal sense, neither of us have partners, but it was fast and hot and seductive right from the beginning. After offering him to be his taxi for the evening, he declined because I was a let down. And I have to agree. After giving it some thought, I was never giving it a lot of effort or putting the time in, because it seemed to only ever have casual stamped all over it. So I explained that I wasn’t interested in casual, and he didn’t match my enthusiasm for anything more, citing work commitments blah blah blah. I am a single mum with a career and I work shifts and I know all about work commitments, but I do have the flexibility to find time in my schedule for somebody who is special to me. D the Pilot isn’t that person and so I wished him well. He is still expecting me to booty call him..can somebody explain why guys insist on ignoring your boundaries?