F Buddy or C Buddy?

I have a question…

Are the post-glow chats supposed to last longer than the getting down and dirty when you are casually having sex with someone?

2 hours of play time followed by 4 hours of conversation doesn’t seem like the right ratio.

And is it ever impolite to say… ‘when are you planning to go home?’

Fuck Buddy is turning into Conversation Buddy real quick.

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Emotion (Me) vs Logic (Brain)

Just one example of my inner ramblings involving Mr Big.

Him: We should hook up

Me: at fucking last. Yes we should.

Brain: hang on

Me: what?!

Brain: you work with this guy

Me: and?

Brain: there’s rules

Me: like what?

Brain: you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure

Me: who came up with that?

Brain: YOU! You Did.

Me: ….

Brain: and he’s already told you he doesn’t get attached

Me: yeah bu-

Brain: And you know he has a history

Me: Bu-

Brain: and do you wanna be gossip?

Me: B-

Brain: and let’s not forget the fact he didn’t swipe back on you!

Me: CAN I FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!

Brain:….go on.

Me: I won’t get attached either!

Brain: LIAR!

Me: I won’t!

Brain: Exactly how long have you been crushing on him?

Me: So what?!

Brain: A crush is far safer than acting on it. This won’t end well

Me: but I want to act on it

Brain: I’m not giving you permission to act on it

Me: stop ruining my life

Brain: Fine. But don’t question why you didn’t listen to me when it all goes down in flames

4 months later….

Brain: *sigh* Told You So!

Mr Big #2

I am in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that has the ‘Po Po’ slamming your door in at 5am, nor the kind where I find myself swimming against an ebbing tide.

But the kind of trouble that gets a girls heart broken. BROKEN!

I was nervous for last night. So unbelievably nervous. I don’t know why, but I had butterflies. I was feeling super shy and just didn’t know what to do with myself for the whole hour I was waiting for Mr Big to show up. Maybe I was conscious of how I felt after our last get together and worried that my body’s apparent friendzoning of this guy was going to mean I couldn’t get going. Or equally worried that Mr Big was feeling something similar and that is why he didn’t stay going for long last time.

Whatever it was, soon disappeared. I’m instantly at ease in his company (warning sign #1). He looked so SO good (warning sign #2). He had me crying with laughter within 5 minutes of arriving (warning sign #3). He told me I looked stunning and really appreciated my outfit which showed off all of my legs (warning sign #4). We made out, went upstairs and we had the most unbelievably sexy time together, I lost count of the amount of times I came (warning sign #5). He talked about his family, his past relationships, his unbelievable luck on how he is here because his aortic valve ruptured and now has a carbon valve regulating his heart (warning sign #6). We ate some pizza and he tidied up!! (Warning sign #7). We had hours of pillow talk until about 2am, he would not shut up (warning sign #8) with cuddles and light stroking the whole time (warning sign #9) and this morning when we woke up at 5:30 (yes we were still awake at 2am) we both left the house, I was so away with the fairies I forgot to lock my frigging front door! (Warning sign #10).

I’m sleep deprived. I have aching and sore muscles, I have been ravenously hungry, but surprisingly full of beans considering I’ve only had 3 hours sleep…because I am running on a natural high! A natural high that you only get when you connect with another human being who lights up your soul!

So I need counter arguments to all the above, because I’m not in camp-stand off, I’m metaphorically going over the edge of a cliff and we know what happens when you land at the bottom. I recall that I was saying things I’ve rarely heard myself say, especially this early on; playful jokes, complimenting his appearance, touching him, sharing details about my family, sharing details about my relationships, I even told him about ‘A’!! I never tell anybody about A. We ate dinner together. I fucking cooked man. I pulled drinks. I 100% enjoyed myself and in total honesty, I didn’t want the night to end! I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want us to go our separate ways to work and our offices when morning came round. I didn’t want to see him rev up the engine on his KAWASAKI motorbike and ride away from me.

Arrrrgh! So counter arguments. A reality check. That’s what I need.

We talked A lot. But very little of that was of him asking questions. Mostly just me expanding on my life to compliment his own side of the conversation.

He did not suggest making plans for our next get together.

He explicitly stated he only invites girlfriends to his pad.

He did not say thank you for spending the night, the food, the shower this morning etc.

He said right at the start ‘You won’t break my heart Bab (local lingo) I don’t get attached’

He does not communicate other than to send racy texts, or racy photos or to set up racy meets.

The chances of this actually developing into something more is highly unlikely because THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The ones I like the most nearly never reciprocate those feelings.

I really cannot think of any more, but I’m glad I managed those few, because I do have a little more perspective now and maybe I’m just teetering on the edge of the cliff.

Won’t take much to blow me over though….

P.S I did the FLAMES test, you know where you count the number of letter of the words LOVES and then add those numbers together to get a total percentage score. We got 99% marriage.

Absolutely infallible.

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Witty Title – ‘Vanilla’ is the New Virgin

Men want sex. Women want romance. Don’t @ me.

Welcome to 2021 where gone are the illegal days of car meets, instead you cant even meets in groups of people! We cant meet loved ones for coffee unless you are in a bubble. You can’t go to a pub. You can’t even go to a restaurant for a meal, and you definitely cant be looking for romance and normal vanilla sex if you are on a dating app.

Why did we suddenly turned into a nation planet of freaks? Or when might be a better question?

I’m so conflicted with this. I love reading erotica books. I have a fairly substantial collection and I’ve had them since before the likes of Christian Grey and that other one exploded overnight. (Pun intended). What do I enjoy about them? The fantasy. The wonderfully scripted words bringing together a picture of a pants dance that I either wouldn’t have considered or set in such a way real life never lives up to. As the reader, I am the viewer. I conjure the images in my own mind, with my own ideas and my versions of the characters. I can imagine the sounds, the noises as described by the words and enjoy the pleasure ride that comes with it. If When I have applied fantasy to real life, not only do I not achieve the holistic pleasure I imagine when reading the books, I rarely achieve pleasure from bumping the metaphorical uglies with a guy who’s only main goal is his own pleasure. More often than not, acting out a fantasy is way less pleasurable that it remaining just so, an anti-climax. The absolute opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

As a result of my open-minded book adventures, I would consider myself to have a fairly broad understanding of different types of sex. I’d go so far as saying that my erotic addiction was fossilised way before E.L James and her Twilight fanfiction turned the mediocre colour of Grey into something that promises a lot more well…colour. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am the founding mother of kink, although my sexcapades throughout my entire life have been a little on the dark and dirty side, I still absolutely LOVE vanilla sex. But in online dating, kink has replaced vanilla and vanilla has replaced virgin.

And you know what, i’m kinda thrilled. But you just said acting out fantasies are an anti-climax.

Yeah but I also said I was conflicted. I’m thrilled because you know what E.L.James and Sylvia Day did? They gave women power! They gave women the confidence and imagination to want better sex and more thrilling, enjoyable sex. It became less taboo to want awesome sex as a female. No longer were women satisfied with missionary after Eastenders on a Friday night, or being pumped from behind while their man grunted for 30 seconds…they suddenly wanted a butt plug inside them when going to the supermarket. They wanted bending over the kitchen sink, their hair pulled back with a belt around their neck. They wanted humiliation and domination and to be spanked! OK so some of those may be a tad too kinky, but women finally started expanding their horizons and seeing sex for their pleasure and enjoyment, cresting the waves of ecstasy to take back their power men had long since held.

And I have no doubt, (although not enough research done IMO) that couples everywhere benefited. Straight, gay, pan…the sudden gaffer tape holding back everybodys deepest darkest desires was surreptitiously removed from our faces and the gagging order on our intimate desires turned into a real gag, with everybody getting their rocks off.

The downside to all of this though? Men everywhere, E V E R Y W H E R E, became cognisant of this newly discovered power women had found, thus became the expectation of men that all women be kinky. It’s as if being a Virgin doesn’t exist, but only being vanilla is a flavour nobody wants to admit to liking. And if you are reading this thinking, my partner isn’t into that, go ask him. If he says no, he’s lying. I know kinky can be a way of life. I am very aware of secret clubs and fetish organisations where people will willingly whip you until you are bleeding. Or rope you up until you look like a suspended knitting doll. You can even be gang banged in these places if you so wish and there is never EVER a shortage of men waiting in line to be your carnal hero. Or it can be something dabbled in. But IMO, it should never be avoided. What you choose to do and how you wish to spend your days having sex is purely down to personal preference. In my experience a 90/10 split (the 10 being the kink) keeps things spicy and rarely boring. But back to my point…men suddenly only want adventurous or kinky women. And they are soooo quick to get to this conversation without realising it doesn’t need to be said. Or if it does need to be said, then there are clever ways of saying it without being too blinking obvious. The trouble is, men who raise it too early with women who have a kink about them are probably looking for something more substantial in a man than what the man can bring to the bedroom. Truly kinky women who only seek kinky encounters are more often than not looking for short-term partners. They enjoy the quick bursts of passion that comes from short-term matches. They seek polygamy, and in my experience the majority of the Menz who want the kinky stuff, don’t like to share. If the woman is submissive, they thrive on the desire of men towards them and pleasing the man. If they are Domme, well much the same. But whilst women are out there seeking advice from dating coaches asking what is wrong with me repeatedly questioning why men only want sex, men equally have zero idea when it comes to women. Boys, if you are looking for a long term, high value, kinky woman, then you should date her at least twice before bringing up the conversation, or wait for her to raise it. Sure, you might end up chatting to lots of women who are happy to talk kink and get into sexting quickly, and sure she might be kinky now but if that’s the only thing you really value in a woman, the majority of us are gonna think you’ll be pretty fucking boring over the age of 65 and that is why us we don’t see you as long term potential. I always try to offset anything sex related with ‘I think you have mistaken me for somebody you have taken out on many more dates’. If they get the hint then brill we continue and those are the guys that get to sample the goods. If not, then SAYONARA. OK fine, I might dive in with some fun, flirty, filthy finger-tapping if it’s a particularly dry spell, or actually get down and dirty if they are six kinds of hot…I am a red blooded female after all, but for sure I ain’t dating them!

I suppose what I am saying here is that it is no longer taboo for women to be sexual. Or sexually free. Inhibitions abandoned. The problem is that men have taken this to mean that they can obtain free carnal gifts from us without putting in any effort.

What a fucking liberty!

Let’s just pause

I may have gotten a little carried away with my desire to move on and forget FD. Oh You don’t want me? Fine, I don’t want you twice as hard. There. Take that.

This has then kind of, sort of, definitely turned me into this dating machine which is a whole different level of crazy (yes I’m already getting fatigued).

I’m not religious, I don’t really believe in astrology, gods and aliens are stories made up by the Romans and ancient Greeks to keep themselves entertained.

But I do believe in a higher power. I don’t know what it is specifically, some might say coincidence. Some might say luck. Some might say destiny. But I cannot ignore this. Nor yesterday’s horoscope which, as bland as they may be, are lighting up my synapses of hope like the neon double arches on a cold dark night.

I said I would give it until February to friendzone FD, but had already started to write him off early because slow burn doesn’t mean stop buddy! But I am trusting divine intervention (if that is indeed this higher power I am convinced of) to align the stars of FD and this crazy saint before next month rolls around.

….still standing at the bus stop!

Men are like Buses

Is it any coincidence that in the week that I start online dating, suddenly every male friend I have in my life wants more? Can they see or just sense my dating aura has turned from red to green?

Or is it purely that I’m just open to a conversation now rather than ignoring people in my attempt to be more date ready?

Funny, huh?

Except FD *rolls eyes*

Reminds me of a poem by Wendy Cope:

Dating Arrrggghhhpps.

It’s January 1st 2021. Happy New Year you magnificent people! Yesterday I felt like the world was gonna end. Today I actually feel amazing and strong. I’m still carrying some ‘baggage’ with me, trying my best to overcome and not think about it because I have to accept the things I cannot change. But do you remember in my last post, I said I was completely and truly ready for love?

Well I’ve only gone and downloaded a dating app. For the first time since August 2018!! I am not shaming dating apps, I haven’t been absent from them because I can’t be bothered or because they lead very quickly to dating fatigue, or because it’s full of idiots or because men only want one thing. Although the fatigue part is true. It’s because I just didn’t need to…spent most of the last 2 years being randomly pursued by people already on the periphery of my life! But, for somebody like me who doesn’t go out (mostly because I’m in the same boat as everybody else due to COVID, but really, mainly because I’m expecting the love of my life to break into my house when I least expect it) dating apps are a god send. It’s pressure free. I can fit it in around my work, Son, hobbies, life and has the added benefit of giving me options, which is especially pertinent right now so that I don’t lay all my eggs and energy in a certain someone’s basket (yes FD, I’m looking at you).

And I can hear you….’Jeez Love, you just got rid of 4 ‘boyfriends’, you’re trying to catch the attention of a fifth and let’s not pretend to forget your little foray onto Tinder earlier this year in an attempt to woo your work colleague.’ But it was only for a week!

Still counts.

Ok, I’ll rephrase: I have downloaded a dating app and plan to use it with serious intent for the first time since 2018.

Better?? Good, can I carry on now?

Maybe it’s because I am feeling so optimistic today that I have taken this step, although I was secretly planning to do this anyway. But I’m really curious to see whether all the work I’ve put into making better choices has paid off and whether the trust I have put into myself to make those better choices is valid. I’ve already noticed I’m being more open with my words, trying to find the balance of vulnerability and flirty rather than trying to be the funny girl at all costs because typically (and through a life of validation in this way from almost everybody in my life), I consider funny to be equal to love. I’m also not finding it so hard to untangle the incoherent mumbo jumbo going on in my head, which I actually attribute to this blog in all fairness. Practice makes competence and all that.

So, let’s take a bet. Can I make it through 28 days? 14? 7? Would love to know if you have used a dating app that worked for you! Or if you are in progress with your dating app journey, what’s your best piece of advice for someone who’s a little rusty?

Roaring 20’s, Boring 20’s…

My last major walk was on 14th December. That is over 2 weeks ago. It’s been a weird couple of weeks as I haven’t really had the motivation over Christmas, with school being out, working, planning for the big day etc, I’ve found it difficult to find the time. But the problem is I’m now in a slump. I have a whole morning to myself today where I would use this time to get some fresh air and get my heart pumping the red life force through me. But meh. Can’t be bothered. I’m doing a days walking tomorrow so might as well stay in bed where it’s warm right?

I also haven’t had football, and with my county going into tier 4 today, that might not continue either so this definitely feels like a lockdown again despite what the politicians, scientists and law makers say. Tier 4 is a polite way of saying ‘stop fucking mixing you imbeciles’!

And I’m annoyed because I have to go to work. I’m in a frontline industry, working for the emergency services. I don’t get the offer of being furloughed, I don’t have the benefit of working from home and therefore saving fuel. Throughout the last lockdown my son still had to go to school but he didn’t get any of the ‘home-schooling’ work at school because it wasn’t fair on the kids at home and so I’d be doing it after a gruelling day of working and it felt punishing at times. Eventually I just gave up, he’s a smart kid, he’ll pick it back up! The key workers amongst us are facing the COVID fight front on and the best we can get is a clap and a pay freeze. Yay! All because there’s no money in the public purse because our inept Tory government flounders it on crappy apps and PPE contracts to their ‘mates’. (Urgh, politics, I digress).

And I know I should be grateful to still have a job and an income and I am grateful, but it’s hard to maintain that positive gratitude when I see people around me only benefitting from this pandemic both financially and emotionally by being at home with their families.

It’s ironic that I feel like someone who is hard done by though. Because the truth is, sitting at home, working from home, not having the company of my colleagues some of whom are very good friends, means I’d be miserable and more miserable. And so in that sense, because 2020 has been a shitty year in so many ways, I’m glad that my life hasn’t been changed dramatically. It was hard enough adapting to the outside world regulations without having to adapt and overcome at home too!

But I’m really fed up now. And I’m not sure why….If the world opened up again, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even do anything, I might go out and celebrate the end of the pandemic once, but that would be it. I’m not convinced in myself I’d even go and make up for all the lost time with friends and family.

So why am I fed up? Am I bored? Is it the post – Christmas blues? Has the loneliness of singledom finally set in? Am I not fulfilled enough in my job? Do I have some strife in my life that I just can’t resolve?

Typically, I am the kind of person who just goes with the flow, never really making plans, always last minute. It frustrates people and after this year I suppose I’ve lost a bit of purpose myself. Or perhaps I just need new purpose? My 2020 Mind, Body, Soul resolution worked so well and as it is the time of year to make a resolution for 2021, I think I’ll make some new goals. After all, having goals and something to work towards is a challenge and making progress and achieving great things is what makes life exciting. So… goals to realise for 2021 are set out below.

Realisations.

New Years Realisations!!

1) Read a minimum of 12 books (once a month, not hard)

2) Write 500 words before bed every evening (except Sundays. And Mondays. And Wednesdays). Ok fine, 500 words twice per week.

3) Continue spiritual and personal growth to feed the soul by connecting more with friends and family.

4) Feed my need to know things; continue to explore the world and how to help it through documentaries, news articles, published papers etc and look into taking a new class in Human Factors and Cognitive Bias.

5) Hike once a month with a 5km minimum walk once a week (checking off 100 greatest walks of GB). Those glutes will thank you babe (and so will he).

6) Finish all the small little jobs left to do in the house. Renovation is a pain but so rewarding when the job is finally done. (Plus, do you want to be embarrassed??!)

7) Chores are for rainy days. (Seriously, if the sun is shining, get your butt outside!)

8) Keep a diary to keep me honest with my realisations and create a vision board to see it all.

9) Reduce screen time by 50% (Hahahahaha).

10) Continue to focus on nutrition and overall body health.

So there you have it, my 10 Goals for 2021. Some are totally achievable, others never gonna happen but I strive for the best. In fact, I may not achieve any of them in 2021. I certainly doubt I’ll be consistent with them, but at least it’s all written down, I already have the whole of January planned out in my diary!

And of course there is always the hope that having these goals will naturally lead me into a path of love because I am ready for it. Every crazy, neurotic, anxiety filled, stubborn inch of me is ready for love in my life!

Do you make New Years resolutions or yearly goals? Or like me, do you normally just face whatever the year brings? Perhaps you are you new to setting goals for yourself and finding it hard to keep yourself accountable? Let me know, I’d love to hear your stories.