GG #5

You are gonna read this blog and roll your eyes.

And that’s ok, because if I was reading this blog, I would roll my eyes too. I’m probably being a bit unfair because of our recent spat, so I’m in quite a negative headspace, because I’ve been feeling insecure and needing a bit of reassurance, which hasn’t been forthcoming.

I’m nitpicking….

But Gamer Geek spends an awful lot of time gaming. I’ve never noticed before but it’s beginning to piss me off.

I don’t mean an hour here or there. I mean a whole day or evening, to the point that I don’t hear from him or I get the odd text message.

I shouldn’t complain too much, because it could be far worse, he could be out there, chatting up other girls, cheating, playing about. But I think ignoring your girlfriend for a whole day or evening is also disrespectful. He knows too, because he always apologises for going AWOL.

If he gave me a heads up, at least I could plan something in with my time. I probably wouldn’t plan anything, but still. It’s about valuing that your partners time is equally important.

And he’s really inflexible about when he games. I mean I know I just said he could give me a heads up, but really I know that Sundays and Wednesdays are reserved for gaming. I still want it confirmed though ok? But he wouldn’t give up a Sunday or a Wednesday to come and see us. Especially if we weren’t able to see each other another day in the week.

And yet, I’ve given up a whole weekend with my son this weekend to attend a wedding with him.

Ok, so that’s possibly like comparing apples and oranges to a lot of people, I’m sacrificing my routine for a big event, whereas he’s sacrificing his to spend time with us. But if I haven’t already said… Quality Time is my love language.

But come to think of it, I flex quite a bit for GG. I have come to learn this through previous relationships, that being so static and set in my ways and my routine is a detriment. So I have been a lot less rigid. And now I look back over our time together and that isn’t reciprocated either.

Not seen GG since Saturday.

Not had a single text message or phone call to tell me he misses me.

Or a message to say that he can’t wait to see me tomorrow.

Or a message to say that the week is dragging on.

He didn’t seem to be bothered about the social media outage on Monday, I didn’t hear from him until I sent him an actual text message around 9pm; a photo of my new nails and a message to say my messages aren’t delivering on WhatsApp. He replied I know yeah, it’s all down, Facebook and Instagram. So he knew it was down and didn’t even try to get in touch. It’s like he hadn’t even thought that texting was possible outside of WhatsApp.

Because he was too effing busy playing his game.

Why is it that when you ask men for reassurance, they give you the exact opposite and just leave you the fuck alone?

Idiots.

I’m back…I think

3 years ago, I found myself swallowed by a big black hole. I was numb. I was exhausted. I woke up one Friday morning and I could not move. It wasn’t because I was paralysed physically, but mentally and emotionally I was broken.

I’ve suffered with anxiety as far back as I can remember. I have stubby fingernails and some pretty crazy actions, borne out of overthinking, that pay testament to that fact. But after a break up, a new home, a new job, finding my feet with single parenting and the loss of my beloved dog Rosie, the cracks in my toughened exterior finally shattered into a million pieces.

I rang the doctor. I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was but after a 20 minute chat, the doctor simply said…it’s not an anxiety attack you are having. You are depressed.

For the first time in a long time I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I struggled to breathe through the sobs as the reality dawned on me that my brilliant astute brain and my inner strength had finally given up on me.

Of course they hadn’t given up. Simply put, my mind and body forced me into facing my reality that I cannot lunge myself into all manner of exciting things as a way of dealing with what was going on inside.

I was hurt. I was sad. I was carrying a heavy guilt. I felt like a burden on my friends and family and rather than face that head on, I simply ignored it and went on with life. I was fixing a broken heart. I hadn’t felt loved in a long time, nor did I think I was deserving of it.

At the very same time, I had met a guy. He was nicknamed Super Mark because he had done all these incredible things. He had such an amazing life story. Things were moving rapidly, but when I woke up on that Friday morning I had no idea how I was going to tell him.

He knew I was off work. And one night on the phone he asked me if I struggled with depression. No, I answered. He responded softly saying ‘I have you know. I’ve been depressed to the point of suicide. I know from experience that the only way to start healing is to talk’.

In that moment, everything I had been holding in came tumbling out. I have no idea how long I was on the phone for. He patiently listened to me pour my little heart out. I have no idea if he was listening really, but I sensed he was from his mmm’s and aah’s and awww’s.

By the time I finished, he simply said ‘this is a chapter in your life. You won’t feel like this forever, just for now. Do you feel better?’

It dawned on me in that moment that by talking and getting everything off my chest, I felt a sense of relief. I wasn’t ‘fixed’. I had simply opened the door into healing.

And the mad thing about it, was that afterwards, Mark didn’t run a mile. He chose to love me instead and gave me a wonderful 8 months. That is until I found out he told my Dad that my mum was fit and how much fun it would be to have me and her together.

(Which is proof that even the good guys can be grade A fucking dickheads)

I digress. Back to healing.

I started therapy and working on doing things that made me happy. That’s how I got into football coaching. And how I got back to my hiking. I started budgeting properly and planning days out to the beach. I discovered hypnosis and meditation. Eventually, although it took a while, I found writing again.

Reflecting on the last two months, despite the wonderful things I have been experiencing, I have definitely fallen backwards a little. Depression isn’t ever fully resolved. It’s a constant battle of forgiving yourself. Forgiving the feels. Forgiving people. And in my case, speaking your truth. And after the year we have had, being confined to my own four walls, it’s amazing that I didn’t slip sooner.

I injured my foot and broke my big toe at the end of March, which stopped my usual exercise routine in its tracks. I was able to walk so I still hiked a little. And I managed to limp around the football field twice a week, there really isn’t much running in coaching thankfully. But it delayed my progress.

Last weekend though, I climbed 5 mountains (not as dramatic as it sounds. Actually it was, because it was hot as fucking hell in England) and since then I have been doing my 15 minute hiit or dance workouts. The result is I am happier. Less fatigued. More motivated. I’ve found myself singing again, to the point people have commented. I’m dancing as I walk and shop and talk. My mood is just way more upbeat. I don’t feel like writing is a chore (sorry for that), I’m doing the washing again. The plates are no longer stacked high.

I’m not saying that exercise alone fends of depression, but I’m a pretty good example if it does.

So next time I go AWOL, please, somebody shout at me to dance round the living room for 15 minutes and all will be well again.

Peace out mofo’s!

Bad Ass – The Fear

I’m a bad ass.

Or at least I’ve been reading a book called ‘You are a Bad Ass’ by Jen Sincero so that’s basically the same thing.

It a self-help book, about cutting out what drags you down in life and only seeking out high frequency opportunities. Or at least learn to recognise when to take them.

This blog has been high frequency for me over the last 12 months. Pouring out my emotions and ups and downs, my neurosis, my crazy. But I think something happened, that I did not expect or intend. By writing down all those things and looking back on them, I started to see a pattern form. My overzealousness (is that a word?), my ‘quick to flirty banter’ nature, my overthinking, they were all getting in the way of my happiness.

Jen Sincero writes that you have to go through the rough before you launch into the life you truly deserve. I can demonstrate that in my life. I think I’ve unwittingly been following her guided path for a few years: starting out with the separation from my son’s dad, buying a house that was a run-down. I got a promotion. Then I got another promotion. In the meantime I’ve met several men, all lovely in their own right, but currently the only man for me in this moment is GG. But it hasn’t always been plain sailing. I’ve had to fight bosses who are just mean/horrid people. I was off work with depression and anxiety for 6 months. I’ve never had enough money to do up my run-down house so it’s taken me 5 years to get where I am and it’s still not finished. I now have to live with my ex and my cousin being together. I’ve been hurt and humiliated by men.

My current life dilemma, is whether to give up coaching football. My son doesn’t want it anymore, and so it is a lot to commit to when you were only doing it for your son in the first place. Problem is, I love coaching. I manage the team, and although I’d quite happily live without the planning and organising, I don’t want to stop the fun stuff, kicking the ball around a field and watching my boys develop and progress. But if I stick to the principles of Jen’s ‘You are a bad ass’ then I need to trust the process and understand this is what the universe has in store for me.

And I need to recognise the time that football takes up as additional free time and therefore, an opportunity. I’ve been thinking about some ideas. My friend and I formed the basis of a business idea last year and whilst I kinda made steps to begin building it, the whole idea trailed off because it was just too hard.

Too hard? I single-handedly raise a boy, maintain a house, keep a resemblance of order, I manage a large team in a very busy police force successfully full-time and have laid down the foundations and built a football team successfully in my spare time. Renovation wise; I have tiled my bathrooms, re-laid plumbing, cut down tree’s, transformed my garden. In amongst all that, I have dated, cared for my grandparents and maintained relationships with friends, despite it being a weird year and honestly, climbing inside my cocoon was liberating!

And I suppose it is all relative. Somebody who doesn’t have children, who lives at home or two parent families or those with no responsibility other than for themselves could consider my life hard but setting up a business is easy.

Well, the business idea is my fear. I have no idea where to start. Who to approach. How to explore. What it takes to kick start it off the ground. The other stuff comes to me like second-nature. The bad-assery that Jen Sincero refers to is about pushing through the fear. The fear of failure. The fear of what people will think of you. The fear of how to get started. The fear of what people might say, your friends/family. The fear of imposter syndrome telling you you’re not good enough.

I’ve struggled with this blog over the last few weeks/months. Not because I have nothing to write about, because I have. Always. But because what I can write isn’t really in keeping with the content of this blog.

I feel like a fraud. I fear that my regular readers will be like – ‘Yo! Dis Boring man! ‘

But if blogging is something that makes me happy and tunes into my higher frequency, would should I let that fear stop me?

So…there may be a transition of sorts coming. I can’t say for certain that my blogging content will change or if it does, I can’t describe what it might be right now, but I certainly won’t be letting the fear stop me!

Get Jen Sincero’s audiobook on Spotify:

Witty Title – Routine

I am currently sat next to my boyfriend while he plays a game called Destiny which he is super excited about as a new release landed today.

I say boyfriend, it’s not been officially confirmed or anything, I just know he’s my boyfriend and I’m his girlfriend…boys always need a few extra weeks to catch up don’t they and I’m pretty confident I’ll be getting a birthday card that says ‘to my girlfriend’ at the end of the month.

And although neither of us have referred to each other in terms of ownership (my man/my girl, not in a controlling way, calm down), this is how I know I am his girlfriend…my gamer geek boyfriend’s favourite game dropped a new release and he still insisted that I come over for dinner and spend the night.

I did say he could have his night with the boys, I really didn’t mind, I always have something else I can do, but he was adamant; he would play for a couple of hours and then the rest of the night was mine to do whatever I please. I mean, what kinda girl could turn down an offer like that? I also got the ‘you are amazing’ comment so I’ve earned some serious brownie points (again, not in a controlling way, but it’s give and take for when I accidentally half break his fingers when he tries to tickle me or ruin something in the wash, seriously…calm down). And so, this is how I come to be writing this blog, patiently waiting for date night, but secretly loving the fact GG is enveloping me in his world of virtual reality play which I just KNOW is a big deal.

A few other examples of things I consider big deals that I adore him for: I slept over last week and the sun comes up directly into GG’s bedroom, save for a few vertical blinds, it is bright!!!! I managed to nod back off with a second pillow over my head, so he went and bought me an eye mask. I spotted the mint & tee tree body wash I use in his en-suite as I got ready for work the next day. I also had a belly ache that night thanks to my period and he made me a hot water bottle. He has booked a weekend away for us in the Lake District and last week I was successfully promoted at work and to he showed up with flowers and wine to celebrate. His thoughtfulness and the kindness he shows me is nothing short of amazing. I don’t remember if I rated those things in my boundaries post back in November (Boundaries), probably because I’ve never experienced it, least of all on a scale like this. I need to do an updated boundaries post.

I wouldn’t consider myself an overly thoughtful person, but I have moments of inspiration that come to me. GG is a big fan of Godzilla. So much so that he has recently hung 7 framed Godzilla-related posters on his walls leading up to the top floor of his super geeky techy house. I love it. And he has yet to see the new Godzilla vs Kong film because cinemas are still not open here in the UK. So in order to payback some of his thoughtfulness, I have scored tickets to an open air cinema to watch said film this weekend. Perceptive and thoughtful. He’s also mentioned a new PlayStation game he would like, something called Returnal which looks hard as fuck because there are no save points, and once you die you go back to the start AND the game changes. I dunno how I have managed to retain this useless information in my head, I don’t need to know. And now I’ve imparted that same useless information to you. Anyway, I’m thinking I will buy him the game. It’s 70 smackers but gift giving seems to be his love language and I want to do something special for him.

That, or a blow job.

The point of this post though, which I am finally getting round to is about routine. Last week saw the start of the ‘routine’. What do I mean by routine? I mean, the point at which you realise you want them involved in the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. Or you remember the mundane stuff, not just the fun stuff. We went food shopping together. Then he asked me to stay the night after a late shift at work. Then we spent the next day working from home side by side. Then it’s tonight and I’m listening to one side of a 3 way conversation and watching strobe lights and fancy effects while grown men try to kill other men and hunt for treasure. I live for the routine.

But.

It’s very easy to get accustomed to routine before you are ready or before you have had time to assess the red flags. Or you grow accustomed to their presence and so losing them becomes harder. The greatest thing I have learned over the last 12 months is probably that in order to get through life you must place a high value on yourself because no-one else will do it for you. Or maybe they will under-value you. Oh I can’t remember the quote, I’m rubbish at remembering things lately, unless it’s nonsense gaming stuff.

The fact that I have remembered the gaming nonsense is proof though that I care for GG, I like him. A lot. Am I falling for him? Hmmm…I think it is too soon for me to answer that truthfully. But doing the mundane stuff with him makes it better, even writing this blog sat next to him I feel more buoyed that usual. And I have a huge smile on my face. Urgh…I think I’ve turned into one of those people who just gushes over how a m a z i n g their boyfriend is. Its fine guys, feel free to call me out on it and bring me back down to earth. I guess because this hasn’t developed as a result of an overpowering, debilitating crush and it has been a slow burn, I’ve been able to build my own value. And work out GG’s value. It’s been so free of drama; totally not what I am used to. As for my other boundaries, there has been investment, flirting, laughter, chivalry and I cant even knock his communication. Would I like more random phone calls? Yes. Does it matter? No. That’s not to say that I would start accepting shitty behaviour, but I am confident if something didn’t feel quite right, I’d call it out and he would respond in a mature way. And if he doesn’t like it and withdraws then his loss, because I am steadily recognising what it means to be in a partnership. But that’s not gonna happen because GG is not one of the shitty men that I am so used to. I’m still a little bewildered that by giving it time, patience and space to grow I seem have broken my own dating pattern.

I don’t think I did that before with any of my prospects. I was too busy assessing their values and forgetting my own. I just couldn’t imagine doing any of this ‘routine’ stuff with FD or Mr Big or any of the ‘datee’s’ I have encountered in the last 12 months. And that got me wondering about whether a crush is actually a warning sign. It’s when all common sense leaves your body so that you are unable to judge the behaviour logically or rationally. It’s no coincidence that all my crushes have been unrequited loves.

And although nobody really knows what tomorrow will bring, I’m probably gonna wake up tomorrow to a cup of tea, I’m gonna shower with my mint/tee tree body wash, I’m gonna get dressed and log on to my laptop and we are gonna work side by side.

And if you are reading this thinking it sounds mundane and boring, I completely agree, but isnt that we strive for? And should all else fail…

GG – what have you done to me?