Gamer Geek #4

It’s a sign isn’t it?

My last post was 21st April and I haven’t even got my first May post off the ground. I can’t even blame the fact I have no time to write one because I’m filling it all up with GG, but that’s not quite the truth. I have been in a bit of slump. Nobody tells you how hard life can get at times, we just have to sail through and come out of it the other side, hoping our mast is still in tact.

I don’t even have a hard life, especially when I look at those of the people I surround myself with. So I don’t really have the balls to go into a slump. But we’ve all been through the same hellish year; same sea, different boats?

I suppose it’s almost a reversal of fortune if I use hindsight. At the beginning of the year, I had 5 prospects, the motivation to get myself fit, eat well, date, plan, write, work, mother, care. Now I have 1 solid prospect (not officially titled or anything yet), for whom I have a lot of adoration and want to make time for, but all my other endeavours have kinda fallen off a cliff. I haven’t even been for a walk in over 2 weeks. I’m even considering giving up football.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

I wonder whether all of my hobbies, we’re just a smoke screen to make it look like I’m cool and interesting to prospective dates, but deep down on the inside, I’m just a weak, lazy, boring Gal who needs the facade. This is a genuine worry. Is this imposter syndrome? Is this my relationship anxiety kicking in? But when I really give it some factual thought: the walking is a lifelong hobby and the football has been running for 2 years so neither of those are directly linked to my goal of finding love. I’ve achieved my fitness goal so I’m in maintain mode, no point going overboard. I still mother well, care well, eat well. It’s only really the writing that has probably gone a bit haywire… and not really, I just haven’t had the inspiration for a post. Or rather the brain fog has descended and I’m struggling to clear it to come up with a witty post about dating. (Brain: you are assuming they are witty).

Interesting that I’m not questioning GG’s intentions here though, but my own. Is that the sign when you know it’s a good thing? Turning the anxiety inwards, finding blame somewhere because GG has been faultless? And I’m not blinded by lust, love or like…truthfully, I’m still developing those feelings for him but the patience, the love, the care, the peace that has descended upon my life since GG came into this sphere of mine is not what I am accustomed to. The pace has been slow and steady. The investment has been building consistently. The laughter has increased gradually. the time spent together has built to the point where we just completed a whole weekend together. I AM NOT USED TO THIS.

GG invited me over to watch the football tomorrow night and inadvertently, I made it sound like I didn’t want to because I’m due my period. He made it very clear at that point that he doesn’t just want me for sex. I hadn’t realised how I’d made it sound and fortunately he wasn’t offended. But a guy who isn’t just interested in the sex? Who is interested in me? I don’t understand…its only ever been sex or nothing in my experience!

Maybe the internalised questions a sign that I am the one with shitty intentions? Am I going to be the heartbreaker? Do I need to put in more effort? Is it better to worry about your own actions or the intentions/investment of the other? I suppose if I worry about my own actions I can actually do something about them as opposed to somebody else’s of which I have no control over.

Our first physical date was 6th Feb. It is now May 5th and as we head into dating month #4, I wonder whether all this overthinking that I do that I really can’t help is my intuition, or whether it is a dating pattern I need to break?

Self-sabotage much?

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Roaring 20’s, Boring 20’s…

My last major walk was on 14th December. That is over 2 weeks ago. It’s been a weird couple of weeks as I haven’t really had the motivation over Christmas, with school being out, working, planning for the big day etc, I’ve found it difficult to find the time. But the problem is I’m now in a slump. I have a whole morning to myself today where I would use this time to get some fresh air and get my heart pumping the red life force through me. But meh. Can’t be bothered. I’m doing a days walking tomorrow so might as well stay in bed where it’s warm right?

I also haven’t had football, and with my county going into tier 4 today, that might not continue either so this definitely feels like a lockdown again despite what the politicians, scientists and law makers say. Tier 4 is a polite way of saying ‘stop fucking mixing you imbeciles’!

And I’m annoyed because I have to go to work. I’m in a frontline industry, working for the emergency services. I don’t get the offer of being furloughed, I don’t have the benefit of working from home and therefore saving fuel. Throughout the last lockdown my son still had to go to school but he didn’t get any of the ‘home-schooling’ work at school because it wasn’t fair on the kids at home and so I’d be doing it after a gruelling day of working and it felt punishing at times. Eventually I just gave up, he’s a smart kid, he’ll pick it back up! The key workers amongst us are facing the COVID fight front on and the best we can get is a clap and a pay freeze. Yay! All because there’s no money in the public purse because our inept Tory government flounders it on crappy apps and PPE contracts to their ‘mates’. (Urgh, politics, I digress).

And I know I should be grateful to still have a job and an income and I am grateful, but it’s hard to maintain that positive gratitude when I see people around me only benefitting from this pandemic both financially and emotionally by being at home with their families.

It’s ironic that I feel like someone who is hard done by though. Because the truth is, sitting at home, working from home, not having the company of my colleagues some of whom are very good friends, means I’d be miserable and more miserable. And so in that sense, because 2020 has been a shitty year in so many ways, I’m glad that my life hasn’t been changed dramatically. It was hard enough adapting to the outside world regulations without having to adapt and overcome at home too!

But I’m really fed up now. And I’m not sure why….If the world opened up again, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even do anything, I might go out and celebrate the end of the pandemic once, but that would be it. I’m not convinced in myself I’d even go and make up for all the lost time with friends and family.

So why am I fed up? Am I bored? Is it the post – Christmas blues? Has the loneliness of singledom finally set in? Am I not fulfilled enough in my job? Do I have some strife in my life that I just can’t resolve?

Typically, I am the kind of person who just goes with the flow, never really making plans, always last minute. It frustrates people and after this year I suppose I’ve lost a bit of purpose myself. Or perhaps I just need new purpose? My 2020 Mind, Body, Soul resolution worked so well and as it is the time of year to make a resolution for 2021, I think I’ll make some new goals. After all, having goals and something to work towards is a challenge and making progress and achieving great things is what makes life exciting. So… goals to realise for 2021 are set out below.

Realisations.

New Years Realisations!!

1) Read a minimum of 12 books (once a month, not hard)

2) Write 500 words before bed every evening (except Sundays. And Mondays. And Wednesdays). Ok fine, 500 words twice per week.

3) Continue spiritual and personal growth to feed the soul by connecting more with friends and family.

4) Feed my need to know things; continue to explore the world and how to help it through documentaries, news articles, published papers etc and look into taking a new class in Human Factors and Cognitive Bias.

5) Hike once a month with a 5km minimum walk once a week (checking off 100 greatest walks of GB). Those glutes will thank you babe (and so will he).

6) Finish all the small little jobs left to do in the house. Renovation is a pain but so rewarding when the job is finally done. (Plus, do you want to be embarrassed??!)

7) Chores are for rainy days. (Seriously, if the sun is shining, get your butt outside!)

8) Keep a diary to keep me honest with my realisations and create a vision board to see it all.

9) Reduce screen time by 50% (Hahahahaha).

10) Continue to focus on nutrition and overall body health.

So there you have it, my 10 Goals for 2021. Some are totally achievable, others never gonna happen but I strive for the best. In fact, I may not achieve any of them in 2021. I certainly doubt I’ll be consistent with them, but at least it’s all written down, I already have the whole of January planned out in my diary!

And of course there is always the hope that having these goals will naturally lead me into a path of love because I am ready for it. Every crazy, neurotic, anxiety filled, stubborn inch of me is ready for love in my life!

Do you make New Years resolutions or yearly goals? Or like me, do you normally just face whatever the year brings? Perhaps you are you new to setting goals for yourself and finding it hard to keep yourself accountable? Let me know, I’d love to hear your stories.

Being vulnerable…

When it comes to dating, I’m starting to learn that being vulnerable is an aspect that is required. Non-negotiable.

For the longest time I would retort to that with anything along these lines ‘I’m not vulnerable, I don’t need anybody, I’m self-sufficient, what’s a man gonna do that I can’t?’ ….etc etc etc.

But the truth is, being female, which has long been termed as the weaker sex, means that from an evolutionary perspective, men need to feel needed. They need to feel like a man. They want to provide. They want to be our ‘hero’.

And I have absolutely no way of figuring out how to adapt my mindset. I often respond to questions about my love life with ‘I’m too content being on my own’ or ‘I don’t see how I can find time for someone’ or ‘I value the freedom that comes with the single life’ which are true enough but there’s a bigger more vulnerable truth behind them:

Because being content and alone is better than potential heartbreak’

Because giving up my time means I have truly found someone special (who could break my heart)’

Because being tied down with someone is scary and risky and my freedom is my protection’

All the above underlined with ‘ultimately, Im just not worthy of love’ which my brain and heart know isn’t true but my past experience’s have taught me.

And it’s these past experiences that have taught me that being vulnerable is why things didn’t work out. Being needy is unattractive. Wanting passion and desire was too much. A simple life is what it’s all about and needing to be challenged and wanting a partner to mentally spa with made me high maintenance. And so I stopped being vulnerable.

But on reflection, when I have met these partners I was vulnerable. I met SD when I was 16 and needed somebody to love me because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else. When I met the Captain, I needed somebody to love me and infuse me with passion because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else. When I met my last boyfriend, I was so low I felt I had lost everything and needed somebody to love me because I didn’t feel it from anywhere else, not even myself.

There is a theme here that when I meet somebody it’s because I need to feel loved, which in itself is being vulnerable. Problem right now is I have an abundance of love in my life and so I don’t need a man to love me, I love myself, I have the love of my friends and family and maybe that is a vibe I am giving off and despite what all the I’ve doctors, magazines, podcasts claim about how you must love yourself first, maybe I should seek to love myself less. Or perhaps I’ve missed the point and loving myself is about giving me the confidence to say what I feel without fear of being rejected because I know I’ll be OK if I am?

So instead of saying:

‘I’m content on my own’ I should start saying I’d love to meet somebody who is independent as I am but who also want a connection. I want to find love. But if I don’t, it’s ok as I am fulfilled in so many ways’

I don’t see how I can find time for someone’ I should start saying ‘I have all the time in the world for someone special who invests in me as much as I do them’

I value the freedom that comes with the single life ‘it’s risky and scary lowering your guard and letting someone else in, but that’s the whole point of finding love. Nothing comes easy’

And by being vulnerable you show you are emotionally strong and in touch with your thoughts and feelings. Women are sensuous and emotional and despite what has come to pass over the course of evolution, that is what makes us the stronger sex. (Even if we aren’t yet still represented in such a way by society). And perhaps because men don’t have the emotional strength, they need us to be that way to make themselves strong and powerful? The physical vs the emotional.

So, is showing vulnerability to a potential mate a form of confidence and self acceptance? Knowing that you have emotions and you don’t care because that’s how you are made is exactly what is needed. Being feminine and soft is really going to take a major break-through for me, it doesn’t come naturally. But if I’m ready to love someone, and they happen to come along in 2021 then I need to at least be open to the idea rather than completely closed off because vulnerability leads to intimacy.

Brene Brown said ‘’Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Mind, Body. Soul

My New Years resolution for 2020 was to improve myself. I wanted to get fitter. I wanted to practice mindfulness more and I wanted to take care of myself more. I wanted to find healthy outlets for my frustrations. I wanted to start showing up for myself and become the best version of me that I can. At the start of the year I only stated this aloud to myself because there’s always that niggling doubt that I won’t achieve what I set out to do. Which is scary. I also knew this wouldn’t be a quick fix and it would take some effort, pushing myself to do small things until they become habit and I wasn’t sure whether other people would give me the patience I needed, but it is nearly Christmas and as such nearly 2021 so now seemed as good a time as any to reflect.

I started working on my body as this was the easiest place to start. I wasn’t particularly pleased with the way I looked, a little too podgy in places, but instead of focusing on that, I wanted to celebrate what it could do. It keeps me moving. I have all working parts. I’m eternally grateful for the health of my body. I wanted to reward my body for all the hard work it does for me. I also wanted to focus on the amazing parts of me, my lovely thick long red hair and my big green eyes. My long legs. My athletic body shape. So what if I’m a bit podgy in places, that podge makes for a soft pillow when I’m cuddling my son, which he tells me often. And so slowly over the course of a few months, my mindset switched from fault finding to ‘you are fab’ I started rewarding my body with massages to straighten it out and dedicated a ‘me’ day where my body didn’t have to work so hard…sofa/duvet day with films/documentaries/tv shows/music/reading. On these same days I’d eat whatever took my fancy, whatever my body craves on that day and I’d end it with a hot bubble bath with candles for a job well done all week.

Then lock down hit. And the massages had to stop. I was still working hard as a key worker & felt a lot of pressure and stress, but I didn’t stop the Body process. I continued with the sofa days and the bubble baths and the binge TV, music, guilt free eating.

I found the beginning of lockdown fairly easy, but as the weeks turned into months I felt myself spiralling. And that’s when I realised I needed to do something about the mind. And so I started blogging again. This space has given me the opportunity to write down my own thoughts and feelings and just general get my crazy musings down so they don’t stick in my head. Admittedly it came from my dating life and it has continued along that theme because that is where I really needed the help. I imagine I’d get a lot of weird looks if I voiced out loud some of the things I write on here. I started to learn gratitude. Being thankful for the things in your life is a really great way to switch the negative thinking into positive thinking. I also started learning again. I’m not studying, but just taking some time each week to learn a little bit more about something I’m interested in. I also started creating again, drawing, podcasting and creating wooden signs.

Soul was the final chapter. I’m still finding it hard to articulate what this means to me, which tells me I’m still working on it. But at the height of summer I was able to get back to some of my hobbies – football and hiking, two things that bring me pure joy. And they do help fill my soul, I’ve also lost 1 stone since which is wonderful for my body and exercise is medicine for the mind. But I still feel there is something missing, I can’t quite fill up the tank because I can’t connect with my friends and I haven’t been able to travel much.

But, what has become blindingly obvious is that at no point has my Mind, Body, Soul goals and achievements rested or even touched on my desire to not be single. Which is rather remarkable given the amount of dating I have done this year (ironically, more so than any other year). But it has helped tremendously in an unintended way; whilst I still hold out hope that the chalk to my cheese is out there, I have found a peace in myself. I trust myself to find the right man when I am good and ready and to pick a better than I have previously because I am better than I have previously been. And whether it is the first man I meet and feel a connection with or the hundredth, if things don’t really go to plan, I will trust it is because something better is coming along behind. This mindset has been quite the epiphany, super enlightening, empowering even and when I couple that with my own sense of self-worth, which is that I can bring so much more to the table than just being a mother and having a job and well, that feels rather marvellous!

I’m pretty fly for a white…Gal.

She’s back!…..well, for a day at least!

So turns out Neptune and Mercury squared up over the weekend which is ‘Astrology’ for ‘expect a lack of confidence’….so that explains a lot. If I really held any faith in horoscopes then today I would be ‘nurturing a wildly creative idea and my thoughts would be all over the place, which is typical of my frenetic nature’. OK so maybe there’s some truth in that BUT I ignored my horoscope and actually took some of my own advice and found something else to do today other than ruminate on the thoughts and feelings of that teeny tiny percentage of the population.

I did an 8 mile walk whilst listening to some podcasts, saw some countryside and got my groove on to some very cool, if not cheesy, music. There is absolutely nothing weird about a girl on her own singing and dancing along walking trails, right?

I got home and made myself lunch, researched how to write a boss blog and I’ve spent the rest of this afternoon putting up my Christmas decorations whilst listening to Christmas music.

Now I haven’t been perfect, FD has crossed my mind a few times throughout the day, but I have forced myself to think about something else, like why on earth did we used to turn into slutty sluts whenever ‘Push It’ by Salt ‘N’ Pepper was played the DJ in the club? Without fail, girls would start grinding on each other and guys would watch with their tongues hanging out. Couples would literally get busy with their clothes on. Does that still happen? I gotta say I miss that. I miss being so carefree you’d pretend fuck your bezzie from behind, or she’d be lying on the floor, that was always covered in spilt WKD or other sticky alcoholic beverage while you cowgirl’d her. I mean gross, but nobody gave a single shit! I’ll tell you what else I miss too, having my bum pinched. You know, when you was smushed up dancing with your gal pal’s and some random dude would just squeeze passed and give you a quick cheeky grab? Yes I know its 2020 and that’s considered sexual assault now, but it was such a simpler time, if they pinched your bum you was guaranteed a snog. The fact that the bum pinchers are most likely on the sex offenders register now is really not the point. I feel we need a new, less sexually aggressive move to act as match maker.

We’ve also not had a decent party dance tune since Cha-Cha Slide which I think is a real tragedy. There’s nothing like a moronic song to get the masses on the dance floor, flailing their arms and wiggling their hips. Somebody should come up with a new one!

Why, or better yet, when did I become so care-occupied (that’s the opposite of care free right? I’m going with it). Because I didn’t give a toss what a guy thought of me back then. I’d never even give a guy a second thought, even if I fancied the pants off him. I remember having a bit of a fling with a guy my friends ended up nicknaming ‘Rocking Robin’. We flirted, we hooked up a few times I was totally besotted and then I saw him leave with another girl one night. I don’t even recall if it stung, but I certainly didn’t pay it any mind. If my memory serves me well, I found a new dancing partner and the rest was history (well, not entirely, dancing partner now works for me FML). So when did I become so care-occupied? Maybe when I became a mother? Nobody wants to be the embarrassing mess of a mother. And I found new hobbies because as we grow up, partying, drinking and dancing becomes harder with families and more mature obligations. The jury is still out on whether I’m not an embarrassing mum, I mean, no kid wants their parent cheering the loudest from the side line at football or making them dance around the kitchen whilst I’m singing Christmas songs wildly out of tune. But tough shit kiddo!

Then again, the confidence I used to have may have been replaced by anxiety thanks to the trauma of being in love with a guy who was so far the opposite of in love with me that I’m just not sure how to read a situation anymore. And so instead of being the first to the dance floor, the loudest voice in the room, the first name on the karaoke list, or the first to tell a guy that I’m interested in him, I leave it to everybody else to take the stage. Or could it be that it’s just part of growing up? I’m not sure I subscribe to that ideal, I mean I was singing and dancing along a trail today. Perhaps its the experience you gain with meeting people through life, when a relationship doesn’t develop in a way you are accustomed (or hoped). But that’s a really selfish thing I think, hiding what are undoubtedly the best bits of you from others, not showing how unique you are for fear of rejection from somebody or a group of people. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to be friend’s (or in love) with the girl who holds her own cabaret show whilst exploring woodland? That’s peoples problem, not mine.

So I want us to do something. Let’s start celebrating what makes us unique. It doesn’t have to be grand; mine is the fact I can make a dance floor out of anything and I love people who are equally DTB (Down to Boogie) on the fly, what carefree, unique quality do you see in yourself that you would love and appreciate in a friend or partner?