Hopeless

Hopeless romantics scare me. Have you never been scarred from love? Please tell me what that is like if you are a hopeless romantic.

What does hopeless romantic even mean?

Since giving in to the love I feel for GG and accepting that I am loved and in love, I’ve been in a very sappy mood.

I’m daydreaming a bit more often, I’m seeing couples for the first time in ages and smiling at PDA’s instead of cringing. I’m lying on the sofa or in bed wishing that GG was with me on the nights I’m alone, and telling him so (I don’t ordinarily, because I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man). My independence has dive-bombed and I’m now looking ahead on how I can fill my free days with GG, planning dates and fun things to do, or just deciding to chill and eat some food before getting an early night. It is close to 8 months, yet the bedroom antics are as wild as ever.

I’m a firm believer that if a guy tells you he loves you after sex or alcohol, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. That oxytocin has us all messed up.

GG and I have just spent the best part of a week with my son on the English coast. We’ve been camping. One night, after a particularly dirty bedroom session (I really can’t go into detail, because our sex life can be rather twisted and I am honestly ashamed of myself, but not so ashamed that I won’t do it again, you feel me?) GG says ‘ I fucking love you’.

It wasn’t immediately afterwards, and GG has been telling me he loves me for at least a month, so I allowed it. I replied ‘oh yeah? I love you more’. It was as simple and straight forward as that, but in the moment I said it, after nearly a week of watching him playing and supporting my son, hearing their laughter and seeing him nurture him, I couldn’t hold it in. It might also have been the oxytocin you see, but when I woke up the next day, I knew I’d meant it. As we packed all our stuff away and loaded the car and van up with our gear, me returning home and GG off to visit some friends to do some more camping, I did not want to say goodbye. I hugged him and I didn’t want to let go. I kissed him and I didn’t want to stop.

So, what is a hopeless romantic? Can a love cynic be turned? Because I think ya gal right here, miss independent pants who doesn’t need a man, who won’t give up her free time, who thinks the Menz are dogs and they deserve nothing, is becoming one.

Crazy Train pt4

Is there a Goldilocks zone for telling someone you love them? Too early and it’s just weird. Too late? Well, that’s my question. Can telling somebody that you love them ever be too late?

Please see Crazy Train Pt1 Crazy Train Pt2 and Crazy Train Pt3 for further context

GG told me he loved me on 11th July. That’s a month ago.

I still haven’t said those words to him. Partly because as you all know, ima but if a psychotic mess at times and I’m overthinking my feelings for him and I don’t want to say those three little words without meaning them and it doesn’t help when I have temptations thrown in my face and and and.

See all these excuses I’m making?

Truthfully though, what do those three little words even mean anyway if not backed up by actions? And this leads me onto a complaint, a very minor complaint, but still.

Gg fails to send me kisses on his goodnight texts and rarely texts good morning.

Now, in the grand scheme of telling me he loves me, organising weekend trips, making efforts to get to know my son, introducing me to his family, cooking my dinner and doing minor chores for me, you are thinking this is insignificant.

And you would be right. It is insignificant in the grand scheme of all those other things. But it’s the small things that really matter. Because I can do all those big things myself. I’m grateful for when he does them of course, and I appreciate him for those things, but it’s the little things that make the most impact.

Like little ‘post it’s’ randomly left.

Or finding my fave chocolate in the fridge

Or picking up those rare crisps you love that hardly anywhere sells

Or randomly sending me breakfast when I’m working at home and have a ton of stuff to do

Folding my laundry (I cannot explain just how much I despise this task)

Send good night and good morning texts. With Xx’s

Back scratches and tickles.

These are all things I have done or do for GG. And are worth way more than the three words ‘I love you’

And I know words of affirmation are some peoples love language. But it’s not mine. And it’s not GG’s.

I guess the thoughtfulness that was there in the beginning has started to wear off.

I wouldn’t mind but we haven’t even had an argument. 8 months!! This makes me suspicious…because it usually means he’s a bottler. The silent treatment type. The passive aggressive.

I had 13 years of it and let me tell you, it’s worse than yelling.

The crazy train continues….

Give me strength

Next Friday is going to be the biggest test of my life. All of the hard work I have put in trying to heal myself and make better choices in dating and follow the peace instead of the chaos and to not self sabotage and just go with what feels good, not with what feels exciting. It will be the ultimate finale on what feels like a long journey through self-love, self-acceptance and self-discipline. It will see me pitted against temptation and influence, the evils of sin. Like King Leonidas vs the Persian God King Xerxes, I will be leading the fight for all single women, kicking temptation into a hole, after exclaiming ‘This is Sparta’

Ok I’m getting carried away. Definitely over exaggerating. Ish.

I have a works do. An evening to finally celebrate retirements with those who have left us over the past 18 months. England has lifted almost all of its COVID measures to allow the world to start getting back to normal.

Which means laughter, dancing and booze. And Mr Big!

We have been working with each a bit over the last few weeks and all has been well. I’ve banished all romantic thoughts and feelings for him. And we have gotten along as we normally do, friendly, professional with the odd dirty joke thrown in for good measure.

So I wasn’t worried about the works do.

Until he said ‘you’re gonna be there Friday?’

‘Friday?’

‘Yeah, the leavers do’

‘Sure am’

And then he looks me up and down, maintains eye contact for just a second too long, throws me a wink and smiles!!!!!!!

Motherfucker.

Now, I’m not weak willed. In fact I’m bloody stubborn. Too stubborn.

I raised an eyebrow to him as he kicked the door open and said goodbye.

But if this mofo thinks for one minute he’s gonna be flirting with me on this evening and giving me fancy vibes and loving on me, then he has another thing coming. Let me tell ya!

But boozy me? Oh she’s not stubborn at all. She’s loving. And soft. And influential.

She’s the romancer, she’s the one who lets her guard down. She’s the chancer, the adventurer, the rebel too. She has no inhibitions, she’ll dance on tables, cuddle people, she’s touchy feely.

So for the past two days, I’ve been having an internal dialogue with myself

‘We want different things’

‘We work together’

‘He’s had his chance’

‘You have a boyfriend’

in the hope that when boozy me decides to show up, they will be firmly planted in her mind should Mr Big try anything ungentlemanly.

Of course, the easiest thing to do would be to take my boyfriend. Except, he’s on a stag do. Far away.

I could just not go? Not even an option.

I could not drink? Please.

Nope, I’m holding onto the fact I have grown and however thin that line maybe be, I’m confident I will not break it and undo all the lessons I have been learning.

I will not. I will not. I will not.

Crazy Train Pt3

‘When love is not madness, it is not love’

How much do you guys agree with this statement?

I’m not sure. I’ve had loves that have their own kind of madness. Not all of these loves have resulted in a relationship. I’ve loved people from afar. And I’ve been in relationships that have been all-consuming.

The all-consuming loves bring excitement and electricity and wonder and yearning and desire and and and.

But my most successful loves (despite them ending, because life happens) have not been all-consuming. They are steady. And secure. They are peaceful, low energy. Safe.

But I’m not the kind of person who would be satisfied by that for an entire life. I need the adventure and excitement like I need my next breath.

I love GG. I haven’t told him. I’m scared that I recognise that the relationship we have, as wonderful as it is, does not fulfil me in adventure and excitement.

It’s really hard to change habits you know. Self sabotage when it has been life-long is a tricky one to curb. My head knows that what we have together is beautiful. Im grateful for it. It’s peaceful. And lord knows after the up and down few years of dating I’ve had, peaceful is what I need.

My head also knows I love him. But my heart and my body just isn’t catching up. I’m logical by nature. My head always overrules my emotions and in most cases that is the right way to approach things. I think?

But how do you will the heart and body along.

I’m comparing again, and I know I shouldn’t. And this is a moot point because neither happened. But how would I be feeling today if this 7 month relationship had been with either FD or Mr Big? Would I even be questioning my feelings?

A big fat NOPE!

So why am I doing it with GG? It’s unfair. I’m unfair. I’m being unfair.

And I can’t be sure I’m looking for reasons here, I’m almost drawing up a pro’s and cons list which is also unfair. I mean, I’d feel pretty shit if it was the other way round, but considering all of the amazing qualities of GG, there really are very few bad bits. Except….there’s a distinct lack of spontaneity. And it’s the spontaneity that I think the quote at the start of this blog refers to. Not crazy in love; I’m not talking about the love that makes you wonder if they are into you. Where they are. Who they are with. The double/triple/quadruple texts. I’m talking about the madness that makes people elope to far away places for shotgun weddings. The madness that makes people vulnerable to being hurt when they’ve not allowed it before. The madness of riding 100 down a motorway with wind in your hair and 1200CC’s between your legs (a motorbike metaphor). The madness of wanting to rip each other’s clothes off at any given moment.

Is it really too much to want to be slammed over the kitchen side whilst I’m making toad-in-the-hole?

Just wouldn’t cross GG’s mind even though it does mine. And I tell him. Often.

The struggle (even though it shouldn’t exist) continues…

Gamer Geek #4

It’s a sign isn’t it?

My last post was 21st April and I haven’t even got my first May post off the ground. I can’t even blame the fact I have no time to write one because I’m filling it all up with GG, but that’s not quite the truth. I have been in a bit of slump. Nobody tells you how hard life can get at times, we just have to sail through and come out of it the other side, hoping our mast is still in tact.

I don’t even have a hard life, especially when I look at those of the people I surround myself with. So I don’t really have the balls to go into a slump. But we’ve all been through the same hellish year; same sea, different boats?

I suppose it’s almost a reversal of fortune if I use hindsight. At the beginning of the year, I had 5 prospects, the motivation to get myself fit, eat well, date, plan, write, work, mother, care. Now I have 1 solid prospect (not officially titled or anything yet), for whom I have a lot of adoration and want to make time for, but all my other endeavours have kinda fallen off a cliff. I haven’t even been for a walk in over 2 weeks. I’m even considering giving up football.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

I wonder whether all of my hobbies, we’re just a smoke screen to make it look like I’m cool and interesting to prospective dates, but deep down on the inside, I’m just a weak, lazy, boring Gal who needs the facade. This is a genuine worry. Is this imposter syndrome? Is this my relationship anxiety kicking in? But when I really give it some factual thought: the walking is a lifelong hobby and the football has been running for 2 years so neither of those are directly linked to my goal of finding love. I’ve achieved my fitness goal so I’m in maintain mode, no point going overboard. I still mother well, care well, eat well. It’s only really the writing that has probably gone a bit haywire… and not really, I just haven’t had the inspiration for a post. Or rather the brain fog has descended and I’m struggling to clear it to come up with a witty post about dating. (Brain: you are assuming they are witty).

Interesting that I’m not questioning GG’s intentions here though, but my own. Is that the sign when you know it’s a good thing? Turning the anxiety inwards, finding blame somewhere because GG has been faultless? And I’m not blinded by lust, love or like…truthfully, I’m still developing those feelings for him but the patience, the love, the care, the peace that has descended upon my life since GG came into this sphere of mine is not what I am accustomed to. The pace has been slow and steady. The investment has been building consistently. The laughter has increased gradually. the time spent together has built to the point where we just completed a whole weekend together. I AM NOT USED TO THIS.

GG invited me over to watch the football tomorrow night and inadvertently, I made it sound like I didn’t want to because I’m due my period. He made it very clear at that point that he doesn’t just want me for sex. I hadn’t realised how I’d made it sound and fortunately he wasn’t offended. But a guy who isn’t just interested in the sex? Who is interested in me? I don’t understand…its only ever been sex or nothing in my experience!

Maybe the internalised questions a sign that I am the one with shitty intentions? Am I going to be the heartbreaker? Do I need to put in more effort? Is it better to worry about your own actions or the intentions/investment of the other? I suppose if I worry about my own actions I can actually do something about them as opposed to somebody else’s of which I have no control over.

Our first physical date was 6th Feb. It is now May 5th and as we head into dating month #4, I wonder whether all this overthinking that I do that I really can’t help is my intuition, or whether it is a dating pattern I need to break?

Self-sabotage much?

Gamer Geek #3

Tell me you have a boyfriend, without telling me you have a boyfriend (Disclaimer, I don’t have a boyfriend, officially).

Unofficially however, I think I do. Gamer geek posted me on his Instagram. He referenced the fact we have been talking for nearly 4 months and asked me how long we had been physically seeing each other. ‘We first met 6th Feb’ I replied.

It hasn’t been that long, was later than that’

It was the 6th Feb’ I repeat

And thus ensued a conversation about how quickly it had gone etc.

GG and I have spent almost the whole weekend together. I arrived at his at 07:45am yesterday to go hiking and I didn’t leave until 12pm this afternoon. And I only left to get home for the cat, I wanted to stay. He wanted me to stay. Neither of us verbalised it, not sure why he didn’t but I was very mindful of overstaying my welcome and showing my hand too much. Remember what I said when I like someone and I get waayyyy too eager, waaayyy too soon. I don’t want to flip the switch. GG is an awesome guy, he’s interesting. He’s cute. He’s fun. I may not be having the daydreams that I did about football dad, or with Mr Big but that’s not a bad thing. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that peaceful and gradual > chaos and fast.

There is still a lack of emotional connection though. I really do have to pry info out of him. And he’s not all that forthcoming with telling stories. For example, he told me he went to Iceland. And he also told me all about his trip, and the whale watching he did, camping under the stars, touring the famous Gulfoss Falls and swimming in the blue lagoon. I swear he said this was a solo trip. I SWEAR godammit, but honestly, lately, my memory is not what it used to be so I doubt myself. Anywayyyy, on a completely unrelated subject, GG is getting his haircut tomorrow, his friend is doing it at home and as he was telling me about her, I asked her name and he said ‘Laura’.

Me Oh, my hairdresser is named Laura too, but I go to a salon called NUYU’

GG ‘Yeah, that’s where she works, she only does home visits for her friends’

W e H a v e T h e S a m e H a i r d r e s s e r!

It’s a small world. Call it fate, call it serendipity. Whatever. But what are the chances of that?!

What’s the point of this? GG tells me Laura was the friend he went to Iceland with. He was very quick to tell me they hadn’t dated, I guess he saw the look on my face or the energy I radiated after he mentioned it and thought I was jealous. But I was confused, see, because I thought he said he went alone. I mean there may have been a pang of jealousy. A tiny one, because the girl is seriously pretty. But you know, I work with two men I have had sex with, one of which was way too recent to mention, so I got over myself very quickly.

But, see what I mean? I’d have definitely remembered him telling me he went with a friend. Especially a female friend. And it just side swiped me. So, a small part of me, now that I’m not around him and all up in my feelings, is starting to wonder. How much of the story am I getting? Half? A quarter?

I suppose telling a new love interest how close you are to other girls is a risky thing to do, particularly if said love interest is the jealous type. I can be very jealous, but it’s usually when something that might make me jealous is kept hidden. I could be jealous when you first tell me the story, but I’m doubly jealous now that you have added to the story and didn’t mention it first time round. You know what I mean? That’s crazy. God it sounds really crazy, but that’s rational for me. 0-25% jealous when it’s laid bare from the offset. 100% jealous when it’s disclosed at a later point. And even if it is crazy, I don’t think I’m alone here (as a female, anyway).

And, tell me if I’m overthinking something else, because you know, I have a tendency to do that when it comes to boys, but something doesn’t add up from the other night. For me, Wednesday nights are football training nights. Now I didn’t really hear much from GG last weekend. And I deffo didn’t hear from him on Weds. I know we are all busy, but when a guy goes from constant and consistent texts on a daily basis and then suddenly disappears for a night, or two nights after a couple of months, then it’s only natural to wonder what he’s doing.

Apparently, he went to the new designer outlet that has opened near us with his mate and they got Five Guys, went back to his place to watch the footy and play Fifa. Fine, all very plausible! Until tonight, when he said he was playing Fifa for the first time in ages.

It didn’t add up. And that’s when my brain goes into overdrive!

Me: He’s just forgotten that he played fifa with his mate

Brain: Don’t be a fool

Me: How am I being a fool? Where would he find the time to date somebody else, he’s constantly texting me

Brain: Was constantly texting you, he’s out of routine now, the energy has changed

Me: oh stop overreacting, if he was dating someone else they must be very relaxed about how much he uses his phone

Brain remember how you managed to bang Mr Big three times whilst also talking and dating GG

Me: ooooh, good point

And I’m sure you can imagine how the internal tug of war continued from there.

I read somewhere that you should reflect after a date on how they made you feel. A focus on if you like them as opposed to questioning whether they like you.

I do like GG. I always feel very looked after when I’m with him, he’s thoughtful and considerate. He’s chivalrous and has manners. We have fun and I laugh a lot. But I do always come away with a sense of unease. Like he’s holding something back.

And I’ve also looked back for red flags. Nothing obvious, although he was keen to tell me all about his manhood on our second date. Not directly, but just a funny story that allowed him to boast a little. I can’t say I blame him, it’s boastworthy. Is that a red flag though? More of a pink flag I would say. It obviously didn’t put me off.

Maybe I have nothing to worry about and I don’t recognise this for the good that it might be because all my previous relationships have been toxic? Another possibility is that I’m glossing over small important flags because I’m trying to forget about my weird Jeremy Kyle situation and so I’m just happy with the attention. Or perhaps I do recognise it’s good, but I’m trying to find things to self-sabotage because I’m also very good at that!

Did learn that he was named after his Dad this weekend though. And he also learned that I was born under a different name than the one I have now (surname. by deed poll. because my mum was young and naive, bless her). And I’m starting to wonder when might be a good time to introduce my mini me. Not like soon, but just how we might do it if we make it to 6 months. I know he’s open to this anyway, he invited him on holiday remember! But these things are just examples of me sharing who I am with GG. Am I getting the same level of personal investment from him? I’m not convinced.

Was there a question in all of this? Oh yes. How do you know if you have a boyfriend? And without an official label, when does texting and dating others become disrespectful?

(Yes, yes, I know this whole post is around my jealousy that he might be dating others. I’m crazy though. A hypocrite. Ok?! Ok.)

Fin.

Witty Title – The Journey So far

At the beginning of the year when I downloaded hinge, I felt like I had zero prospects. We are 4 months into 2021 and whilst I have reviewed my New Years resolutions, I haven’t really reflected much in my dating life and the patterns. So, that is what this post is going to attempt to do.

Since January 1st 2021, there have been 5 boyfriends (not actual boyfriends, but I’m still waiting for society to create the term for a boy who is dating or chatting or fucking, but where there is no defined relationship that would make them an actual boyfriend).

I digress.

But 5?! Is that really true? Let’s go through them:

FD – he does count, remember the babes comment. Still influences my brain today despite no actual dates in 2021. But he’s in the bin. Never kissed. Never held hands. Just lots of weird games. Buy bye!

Remember Nathan? Yup, disappeared as fast as he appeared.

Mr Big – I ended this with a very polite message because I know I can’t continue to have sex with him and work with him without falling for him. Better to keep things normal now than face potential ruin later on.

Remember Jeff from Men are like Buses. Part 2? Well he has not moved out of my DM’s. Not suggested a date. Nothing. Urgh, see ya dude!

Gamer Geek – N’awwww.

Out of 5 men, only one of them shines and he looks damn fine in a suit. The others are nowhere near on my level of dating and honestly, it’s no wonder single women struggle…there’s only a 20% of finding someone almost decent and even then you might have to work really hard on your own personal appetite for men to make it work. Only out of 5 dates has potential and even then it’s no guaranteed because 10 dates in you find you’re not really that compatible?! Phew!

Look I’m not knocking dating, but in a world of busy lifestyles, finding the time to date 5 men for some women will be super super hard! And as we grow up, stronger and more independent than ever, I worry that single millennial women currently in their 30’s will end up pioneering a spinster revolution. Care homes and bingo clubs will be full of single ladies in their 80’s tearing up the floor with a bottle of Mad Dog 2020! Lord!

The world is NOT ready for that.

So we must stop it. Somehow.

The first place in our busy, modern, pro-gadget age is to weed out all the hook-up wannabe’s from those really searching for something solid and long-term on dating sites. The free apps just don’t have enough of a screening process.

Apps should have a questionnaire, the more you fill in, the wider the choice pool. If you only answer 5, you only get to view other prospects who could only be bothered to answer 5. If you answer 50, you get the pick of the pool – but only if you answered them with long-term intentions. Going for cocktails on a first date is not chivalrous. It’s not romantic. It’s lazy at best, and potentially dangerous at worst – drinks spiking anyone? Same goes for home movies, dinners, take-out. I only wanna be matching with someone who also agrees that a brisk walk in the fresh air somewhere public, or to grab coffee are acceptable first dates to see if the 4D version of those pictures is true to life. And that way, dating 5 different men might be possible if you want to increase your odds (assuming my questionnaire idea doesn’t pay off in the first place).

You know what else isn’t chivalrous, getting sexy before date 3. I say forget date numbers, how many hours have you spent with this person? I’m not knocking any bodies choices, but a guy who wants to invest in you will happily wait 3 dates, or 24hrs in term of total time spent together. Tbh, most men will wait longer than that if they are invested, but I’m assuming you also want to sleep with him so why play games??? Just do it. Whenever you feel comfortable, what I’m trying to say is that in my aforementioned dates, only 3/5 have not pushed for anything physical, although to be honest, one of them hasn’t even pushed to meet face to face so I don’t think that counts and the other is FD who also doesn’t count. 1 out of 5. Damn!

They were all funny. Mostly. Mr Big won the round with that one, but the fact they have all tried to make me laugh, tells me this is a flirting technique. This is how guys get a girl’s attention. 5/5

1/5 bought me dinner, or invited me over or made plans for a date. A real date.

They all like to talk about sex. Men huh? 5/5

FD, Mr Big and Jeff have all spilled their hearts out about various things, their past, their family, their friends etc. GG and Nathan, not so much. This could just be a case of different personalities, but interesting that I felt connected to Mr Big and FD more than the others. 3/5. Possibly a hooking technique.

Communication was a let down for all of them. Even gamer geek isn’t brilliant, but deffo better than the rest. 5/5 – men are just shit.

This blog post has no structure whatsoever. I may come back and tidy it up but that wouldn’t really reflect the way my brain is working today. And besides, if I was blogging for a living, I certainly wouldn’t be wittering on about my dating life, even if I do make some excellent points!

So, the dating app is paused for a bit. I managed to go 3 months on there, spoke to plenty of people and whittled it down to our Matthew.

We really haven’t connected much on an emotional level so that’s what I’m working on over the next couple of dates…Let’s watch this space!

FD #9

And the saga continues.

There’s one thing I’m acutely aware of right now. I get wayyy too excited when I get excited about boys.

Some boys have to earn this, like gamer geek for instance, because the attraction isn’t immediate. For other boys, like FD and Mr Big, my excitement has to be contained because I’m already physically attracted to them.

But no matter which of these beginnings strike in the dating world, once I like somebody, I build up my own hopes and dreams. And I also break my own hopes and dreams when The Menz inevitably fail to live up to my unrealistic expectations.

And whilst my expectations might not be unrealistic, I really only want companionship with somebody funny who is chivalrous and flirty and sexy, who knows how’s to string a sentence or two together with consistency (Ok, so sue me), my imaginations run wild with thoughts on how they fulfil these expectations and that is indeed where I let myself down. And also let them down.

And in hindsight, this was what went wrong with FD and Mr Big. Wayyyy too keen wayyy too early. And then by the time I realised this and pulled back, I pulled back too much and it.just.stopped. I really need to learn a happy medium.

Somehow.

FD text me today. Somebody had left a football top down the park. The top is initialled and this man works at the school the kids in my team and the team in the year below all attend. So he knew exactly who the top belonged to. But, he text me and asked me to share and if that’s him breaking the ice then I’ll take it. I replied and asked him how he was. I referred to the fact we hadn’t spoke for ages and he agreed. He asked me about my walking and shared he was down the park again with some of the kids. I told him about my newfound love for playing Tennis and he shared the link to join his local tennis club. Not my club, the one near him.

And the kisses are back on the texts.

And look at me, reading into it. Hoping.

Yet.

Again.

Witty Title – Fairytales

Once upon a time, there was a little Princess who was born into a less than privileged setting. She grew up strong and determined. She rebelled and forged her own path growing into a success, ambitious, independent woman. She had a fulfilled life with lots of love in family and friends and hobbies and interests that allowed her to explore her own personal knowledge and experiences.

But deep down, something was missing. She wanted companionship, somebody to share in her wonderful achievements and hobbies. Somebody to laugh with and make dinner with and hike with, somebody to support and cheerlead. Somebody to cuddle up to or make love to.

And one day, when she stopped worrying, and stopped overthinking, and stopped trying to guess, and just relaxed, Prince Charming knocked on her door (or iPhone App in this fairytale) bowed down in front of her and showered her with quality time, laughter and friendship.

For four glorious months, they chatted, went on adventures and dated. He bought food, she cooked, they found mutual enjoyment in the outdoors and films and sports such as tennis and football. They had their separate interests too and were able to spend time apart without getting bored or lonely or needing to fill up time with each other, even though the princess wanted to.

Now this fairytale princess took a long time to trust this Prince Charming. He was too nice, too secure, too normal, to look after a princess. And the princess kept asking ‘this isn’t quite right’ and ‘do I even like him’?

The Princess was scared to admit it. Because all her life she had experienced liking and loving someone with rejection. She had led a life of unrequited loves.

But, eventually, the day came where she finally accepted him, for who he was, admitting her attraction, admitting she had gotten used to his presence in her life. Wanting to explore beyond the superficial and dig a little deeper. He knew she was looking for a marriage. He knew about her Elvis superman status. He knew her bad habits, he was accepting of her and she was of him.

And so the story goes….

He ghosted her.

Gamer Geek #2

There are two things that really turn me on in a man. Independence and banter.

Don’t get me wrong, I am superficial too. I like a guy to have a certain look, a twinkle in his eye, to dress well and to take care of himself. I just rate independence and banter higher.

And so it’s a good job Gamer Geek has those two in spades. Because he has none of the other qualities. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute. In a puppy dog eyes kinda way, not in the twinkling eyes way. His dress sense is somewhere between indie rock and grandad which is not helped by the long limp hairstyle he is currently sporting. I will forgive him though, none of us have had a haircut in the last 3 months and he’s obviously planning one because he said I wouldn’t be able to pull his hair for much longer. Shame. But ok.

Thing is, I’m not interested in gamer Geek for his outward look. He has wonderful values that gel with mine. He has hobbies to keep him busy and therefore I don’t feel pressure to fill his time. We enjoy similar things, playing games, sports (football and tennis) and he’s the first guy I have met who enjoys hiking more than I do and doesn’t need to wait for me to organise things, he’s very proactive in that sense. Oh, and if you didn’t guess from my nickname, he’s a huge nerd. He has manners, chivalry and a great sense of humour and I really don’t have to chase and keep making suggestions hoping he’ll take the bait, dating is easy and is a mutual back and forth and I don’t have to question anything. All wins in my little black book.

And this wouldn’t be typical of my blog without me describing the bedroom antics.

It’s definitely not what I am used to. Gentle and unhurried. Just good old fashioned love making I guess? I dunno, it’s been such a long time since I’ve experienced truly sensual sexy time. It’s the type of sex I would expect 3 months in, which I suppose we are. But there’s no sense of urgency, and I think we all want to know that secretly we wish we were ripping each other’s clothes off and doing it where they land instead of always moving up to the bedroom. And actually, I’m very surprised at GG’s lack of big dick energy considering he could also have the nickname Mr Big. He doesn’t turn me on in quite the same way though, I don’t get those immediate pangs of ‘I want you now!’ when I look at him but that’s OK right? We’ve slept together three times, I didn’t orgasm the first two, but I still enjoyed it immensely, I was super turned on and writhing about, making noises that I didn’t know I could make! But I’m still worried that I’m gliding into something with no real foundation, I don’t want to waste anybody’s time. Yes I’m being open to a slow burn, but what if I never get those immediate pangs? We’ve talked about a weekend trip in June, so I’m pretty confident he likes me because he’s also quite hard to read but what if I’m still only half-assed about him by then?

Nice guy, with his own interests, a job, his own place, no baggage, chivalrous, funny, we like similar things, sensual, generous.

All those qualities, absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.

And yet, I’m questioning if it’s right. Geez!

Do I need therapy?