Gamer Geek #1

If ever this secret blog was discovered by any of the subjects I write about, I would be mortified. Not because I’m ashamed per se, but who would want to read the naked truth of our situation? Or read how crazy I really am. Or in the case of some, how brutally honest I have been about them.

If it was me being bought to life in words for the blogging world to see by somebody else, I think I would die from humiliation alone. But I’d definitely bring it up. So, just in case I am discovered by any of the men in my life, past or present…Hi!

The reason I’m writing that is because I have told GG about the blog! I’ve not given him a link or a name (hell to the no-effing-way am I that brave) but I’ve shared that I blog as an outlet to let my crazy out and put it down on paper. I said I might read him an example one day and he said OK. He’s not pushed it.

Why did I tell him? GG and I had a proper date at last. Well. A proper date under COVID….food, booze, games and a sleepover. He bought the food, booze, chocolate, even an Easter egg!! All I did was get a little loose-tongued after downing half a bottle of Malibu and a few Tequila shots (self-medicine for not getting the dream job) and provide a bed to sleep in. The booze was only there for losing the games we played but I clearly didn’t understand the rules. Or care for them tbh.

GG spent the night, we cuddled, made-out a little. We didn’t go all the way, despite us both wanting to, especially the next morning. Neither of us seemed in any rush and so we both just spent the morning laughing, cuddling, exploring, eating and sipping tea.

Before he left he asked me when he could see me again, and made it very clear that 2 weeks was too long to wait. The next night my plans changed, I booked a holiday (please COVID gods, I need some sun 🤞🏻🤞🏻) and watched a movie instead of hanging out with friends on zoom for a games night. I also got a new cat this week (more on this in another post) but if it wasn’t for this cat, I’d have been over his place and I’d be writing this post from his bed instead. I’m at that point where I want to spend more time with him but equally I don’t want to go and give him all my free time. This is a fine balancing act because I really do value my independence and I’ll only give it up for someone really special.

So, I am fully in camp GG. I’m still not fully crushing on him though as there’s still something missing, but whatever that is, I’m at a point where I’m willing to find it. Or at least try. And even if it doesn’t turn out to be anything serious or long-term, it’s nice to remember that I don’t have to be a sexual goddess to keep a man interested. Or rather I am more interesting than what I can do in the bedroom.

And anybody who says two weeks is too long to see me again, having witnessed the mess that comes with downing half a litre of Malibu and copious tequila shots, is a keeper!

Witty Title – Speaking My Truth

I am my own worst enemy.

I am at my most comfortable when I am led by logic. I am an emotional being, but truthfully I don’t really express my emotions. Well, that’s not true. I cry when I’m sad, I clench my fists when I’m angry, I blow hot air when I’m frustrated, I get the internal inferno in the pit of my stomach when I get jealous. I laugh when I find something funny and I smile when I am happy. No hang on, I smile no matter what. I feel positive when I’m happy. That’s more appropriate.

But my head overrides all of those emotions. What I mean by that, for example, is that when I cry, I give myself a set amount of time. I plan crying into my routine. And when that timer goes off, I dry my tears and I let logic brain take over. When I am frustrated, I let it alllll out, the steam is almost visible out of my ears and the red-headed side of me takes over. Again, its short-lived and once I have blown my hot air, the frustration subsides and I go on about my day. I am constantly trying to rationalise my emotions. Always asking ‘why do I feel this way‘ and whilst I do allow myself to feel, I don’t allow myself to dwell. I’ve always considered this a healthy way of dealing with it, not that I know how to deal with my emotions any other way, but for me, giving myself protected time to feel and express emotions means that for the rest of my day, week, month, I am a well-rounded human being.

The problem comes though, when I am unable to rationalise my emotions. And I’m slowly figuring out that when I can’t rationalise my emotions, it is because I have failed to speak my truth. And what happen’s when I don’t speak my truth? I dwell, I spiral. I become so fixated on the feeling that the situation brings, I cannot think of anything else, an this mostly applies to anything remotely related to a romantic feeling. I think because I don’t feel crushes on people very often, I don’t know how to process the emotion. I’m not competent in this aspect of my life because it occurs so infrequently, and giving myself protected time to feel a crush doesn’t work. FD was proof of this. And I didn’t speak my truth. I didn’t say ‘Hey, I like you and I would like to get to know you more, as more than a platonic friend‘. Instead, I let my actions do the talking, which in hindsight, may not have been enough. Or maybe it was and FD was just dense, but whichever, I got a big old dose of rejection.

I find the same thing happening with Mr Big because I am not speaking my truth. On reflection, at the point we started chatting, I got carried away in the excitement of a crush being into me. I was licking my very rejected wounds that had been opened by FD and allowed myself to be led by my attraction for Mr Big, the short-lived state of loneliness I was feeling and my sudden lady boner. And all this in spite of the fact the logic in me, the brain screaming at me that he is most definitely, absolutely, 100% a bad idea. 1. We work together (the whole reason why I have never acted on my crush in the first place). 2. The offer on the table is absolutely not what I want at this point in my life (being single is way more fulfilling than being in a state of ‘He likes me, but only enough to take my clothes off‘ and constantly wondering why I’m not valued higher). 3. He didn’t return swipe (there could be a number of reasons why) 4. History has taught me that I can’t crush on someone and come out of that with a happy ending (seriously, as few as there have been, all my crushes have been unrequited loves).

I can’t remember why I started writing this.

Oh yeah. Speaking my Truth. I was reading another blog post about strength vs happiness and how sometimes we fixate on being strong for fear of being vulnerable that we don’t realise that we are the own cause of our unhappiness. In that example, it was about completely removing an ex from the picture. But in my case, I’m using strength to get through a problem at the expense of my own happiness. I’m so busy trying to show how I’m this sexual goddess who does what she wants when she wants and makes no apologies for it (most of the time I am) but it isn’t making me happy. It didn’t make me happy with Captain A (took me 18 months to figure this out) It wasn’t that much fun with The Pilot (took me 10 months to figure that out). Both of those two were strangers though. I didn’t know them. I didn’t have an established relationship with them. I didn’t have the potential to run into them at work. It’s taken me all of 3 ‘dates’ to own up to the unhappiness of this situation with Mr Big. There is a plus side to all of this; I am clearly learning from my experiences. But the downside is that the sexy stuff, as great as it is, is just not fulfilling the needs I want and am quite clearly ready for.

I haven’t really heard from Mr Big in the last two weeks. This is by design, as I asked him to give me some space to prep for a big interview I have coming up. By and large he has kept his word, except for the one time where he sent me some smut and I called him out for distracting me. It would be nice to receive ‘Hope the prep is going well, I’m rooting for you at interview‘ or ‘Can’t wait to celebrate with you‘ because positive vibes is more or less equal to it happening in real life. (Mostly, not in my dating life though, duh). But, although I have asked for that space, I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have probably spent more time thinking about the situation fantasising about what could be with Mr Big than I have on anything to with this interview. What the other side of this? If Gamer Geek had gone 2 weeks without saying hi, or without some encouragement and support for my big day, then I would have already cut him off. Brutal with one, totally pathetic with the other. All is NOT fair in love and war.

And it’s too late to do anything about it now, the Interview is Thursday; I’m not going to see Mr Big. And I need a face to face to speak my truth, rather than send reams of text over the Insta DM’s. So here’s my plan.

1) Confess my epic Tinder Fail to him. 2) Share that I have had a crush on him for a while. 3) Explain how I was led my emotions rather than the logic when we decided on what this was. 3) Assume that what I am saying may come as a surprise to him. 4) Give him the space and opportunity to digest what I have said.

I realise I have numbered a lot of things in this post, as if making lists will help me climb out the shambles of my life. But lists are what keep me honest. Like little personal milestones.

So wish me luck! And if you are wrestling with an internal struggle, ask yourself if you are choosing strength over happiness, and if the answer is yes, then I urge you to speak your truth too!

Me vs Brain – GG

Gamer Geek: I’d love to buy you dinner. Kind of

Me: OK?

Him: Come over, I’ll get us takeout and we can watch a film

Me: That’s a great idea, I’d love to.

Him: You’re welcome

Brain: Cow!

Me: What?!

Brain: He’s nice. You don’t deserve him

Me: Excuse Me?

Brain: You heard

Me: Why are you being mean

Brain: Why you pretending you’re not?

Me: I’m not. I’m single and dating. This is ok!

Brain: Is it?

Brain: You’re sleeping with someone else

Me: Fine, I’ll sleep with him too

Brain: Fucking Slut

Me: Hey!!

Brain: You want a nice guy. But you never fancy the nice guy

Me: …. Yet!

Brain: You won’t. Just let him down gently now, tell him you don’t want dinner

Me: I might, slow burns happen. Besides, I’m hungry

Brain: Slow burns do happen, but not this one

Me: Give me chance-

Brain: stop wasting his time

Me: I’m not. He’s ticking boxes

Brain: Not that one though. It’s a pretty big box

Me: It’s just a takeaway. Chill TF out

Brain: Rude

Brain: You know what it means

Me: means I won’t be hungry

Brain: No!

Me: ….

Brain: ….

Me: ….

Brain: pretty big thing to do. He LIKES you

Me: I like him t-

Brain: And he bakes you biscuits

Brain: and he makes you tea

Me: Yeah well I-

Brain: and he’s already invited you to Scotland!

Me: Doesn’t mean-

Brain: you’ll break his heart

Me: FFS! Don’t be so dramatic

Brain: I’ll make sure you spend all night thinking about Mr Big.

Me: Noooo, please don’t. I’ve told him we need a couple of weeks before we get together again so I can prep for this big interview

Me: Anyway, you soon changed you tune, what happened to Mr Big being a bad idea?

Brain: Breaking GG’s heart is a worse idea. I know you, you’d rather be hurt, that hurt someone else.

– 2 months later-

Him: I thought we had something special happening between us

Me: I think you are really great, I’m just not in the same place

Him: I’m so sad.

Me: I’m sorry. I really wish you all the best, you deserve someone special

Brain: you wish him the best?!! Told you he didn’t deserve you

Brain: Bitch!

F Buddy or C Buddy?

I have a question…

Are the post-glow chats supposed to last longer than the getting down and dirty when you are casually having sex with someone?

2 hours of play time followed by 4 hours of conversation doesn’t seem like the right ratio.

And is it ever impolite to say… ‘when are you planning to go home?’

Fuck Buddy is turning into Conversation Buddy real quick.

Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Emotion (Me) vs Logic (Brain)

Just one example of my inner ramblings involving Mr Big.

Him: We should hook up

Me: at fucking last. Yes we should.

Brain: hang on

Me: what?!

Brain: you work with this guy

Me: and?

Brain: there’s rules

Me: like what?

Brain: you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure

Me: who came up with that?

Brain: YOU! You Did.

Me: ….

Brain: and he’s already told you he doesn’t get attached

Me: yeah bu-

Brain: And you know he has a history

Me: Bu-

Brain: and do you wanna be gossip?

Me: B-

Brain: and let’s not forget the fact he didn’t swipe back on you!

Me: CAN I FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!

Brain:….go on.

Me: I won’t get attached either!

Brain: LIAR!

Me: I won’t!

Brain: Exactly how long have you been crushing on him?

Me: So what?!

Brain: A crush is far safer than acting on it. This won’t end well

Me: but I want to act on it

Brain: I’m not giving you permission to act on it

Me: stop ruining my life

Brain: Fine. But don’t question why you didn’t listen to me when it all goes down in flames

4 months later….

Brain: *sigh* Told You So!

Mr Big #2

I am in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that has the ‘Po Po’ slamming your door in at 5am, nor the kind where I find myself swimming against an ebbing tide.

But the kind of trouble that gets a girls heart broken. BROKEN!

I was nervous for last night. So unbelievably nervous. I don’t know why, but I had butterflies. I was feeling super shy and just didn’t know what to do with myself for the whole hour I was waiting for Mr Big to show up. Maybe I was conscious of how I felt after our last get together and worried that my body’s apparent friendzoning of this guy was going to mean I couldn’t get going. Or equally worried that Mr Big was feeling something similar and that is why he didn’t stay going for long last time.

Whatever it was, soon disappeared. I’m instantly at ease in his company (warning sign #1). He looked so SO good (warning sign #2). He had me crying with laughter within 5 minutes of arriving (warning sign #3). He told me I looked stunning and really appreciated my outfit which showed off all of my legs (warning sign #4). We made out, went upstairs and we had the most unbelievably sexy time together, I lost count of the amount of times I came (warning sign #5). He talked about his family, his past relationships, his unbelievable luck on how he is here because his aortic valve ruptured and now has a carbon valve regulating his heart (warning sign #6). We ate some pizza and he tidied up!! (Warning sign #7). We had hours of pillow talk until about 2am, he would not shut up (warning sign #8) with cuddles and light stroking the whole time (warning sign #9) and this morning when we woke up at 5:30 (yes we were still awake at 2am) we both left the house, I was so away with the fairies I forgot to lock my frigging front door! (Warning sign #10).

I’m sleep deprived. I have aching and sore muscles, I have been ravenously hungry, but surprisingly full of beans considering I’ve only had 3 hours sleep…because I am running on a natural high! A natural high that you only get when you connect with another human being who lights up your soul!

So I need counter arguments to all the above, because I’m not in camp-stand off, I’m metaphorically going over the edge of a cliff and we know what happens when you land at the bottom. I recall that I was saying things I’ve rarely heard myself say, especially this early on; playful jokes, complimenting his appearance, touching him, sharing details about my family, sharing details about my relationships, I even told him about ‘A’!! I never tell anybody about A. We ate dinner together. I fucking cooked man. I pulled drinks. I 100% enjoyed myself and in total honesty, I didn’t want the night to end! I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want us to go our separate ways to work and our offices when morning came round. I didn’t want to see him rev up the engine on his KAWASAKI motorbike and ride away from me.

Arrrrgh! So counter arguments. A reality check. That’s what I need.

We talked A lot. But very little of that was of him asking questions. Mostly just me expanding on my life to compliment his own side of the conversation.

He did not suggest making plans for our next get together.

He explicitly stated he only invites girlfriends to his pad.

He did not say thank you for spending the night, the food, the shower this morning etc.

He said right at the start ‘You won’t break my heart Bab (local lingo) I don’t get attached’

He does not communicate other than to send racy texts, or racy photos or to set up racy meets.

The chances of this actually developing into something more is highly unlikely because THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The ones I like the most nearly never reciprocate those feelings.

I really cannot think of any more, but I’m glad I managed those few, because I do have a little more perspective now and maybe I’m just teetering on the edge of the cliff.

Won’t take much to blow me over though….

P.S I did the FLAMES test, you know where you count the number of letter of the words LOVES and then add those numbers together to get a total percentage score. We got 99% marriage.

Absolutely infallible.

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Witty Title – ‘Vanilla’ is the New Virgin

Men want sex. Women want romance. Don’t @ me.

Welcome to 2021 where gone are the illegal days of car meets, instead you cant even meets in groups of people! We cant meet loved ones for coffee unless you are in a bubble. You can’t go to a pub. You can’t even go to a restaurant for a meal, and you definitely cant be looking for romance and normal vanilla sex if you are on a dating app.

Why did we suddenly turned into a nation planet of freaks? Or when might be a better question?

I’m so conflicted with this. I love reading erotica books. I have a fairly substantial collection and I’ve had them since before the likes of Christian Grey and that other one exploded overnight. (Pun intended). What do I enjoy about them? The fantasy. The wonderfully scripted words bringing together a picture of a pants dance that I either wouldn’t have considered or set in such a way real life never lives up to. As the reader, I am the viewer. I conjure the images in my own mind, with my own ideas and my versions of the characters. I can imagine the sounds, the noises as described by the words and enjoy the pleasure ride that comes with it. If When I have applied fantasy to real life, not only do I not achieve the holistic pleasure I imagine when reading the books, I rarely achieve pleasure from bumping the metaphorical uglies with a guy who’s only main goal is his own pleasure. More often than not, acting out a fantasy is way less pleasurable that it remaining just so, an anti-climax. The absolute opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

As a result of my open-minded book adventures, I would consider myself to have a fairly broad understanding of different types of sex. I’d go so far as saying that my erotic addiction was fossilised way before E.L James and her Twilight fanfiction turned the mediocre colour of Grey into something that promises a lot more well…colour. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am the founding mother of kink, although my sexcapades throughout my entire life have been a little on the dark and dirty side, I still absolutely LOVE vanilla sex. But in online dating, kink has replaced vanilla and vanilla has replaced virgin.

And you know what, i’m kinda thrilled. But you just said acting out fantasies are an anti-climax.

Yeah but I also said I was conflicted. I’m thrilled because you know what E.L.James and Sylvia Day did? They gave women power! They gave women the confidence and imagination to want better sex and more thrilling, enjoyable sex. It became less taboo to want awesome sex as a female. No longer were women satisfied with missionary after Eastenders on a Friday night, or being pumped from behind while their man grunted for 30 seconds…they suddenly wanted a butt plug inside them when going to the supermarket. They wanted bending over the kitchen sink, their hair pulled back with a belt around their neck. They wanted humiliation and domination and to be spanked! OK so some of those may be a tad too kinky, but women finally started expanding their horizons and seeing sex for their pleasure and enjoyment, cresting the waves of ecstasy to take back their power men had long since held.

And I have no doubt, (although not enough research done IMO) that couples everywhere benefited. Straight, gay, pan…the sudden gaffer tape holding back everybodys deepest darkest desires was surreptitiously removed from our faces and the gagging order on our intimate desires turned into a real gag, with everybody getting their rocks off.

The downside to all of this though? Men everywhere, E V E R Y W H E R E, became cognisant of this newly discovered power women had found, thus became the expectation of men that all women be kinky. It’s as if being a Virgin doesn’t exist, but only being vanilla is a flavour nobody wants to admit to liking. And if you are reading this thinking, my partner isn’t into that, go ask him. If he says no, he’s lying. I know kinky can be a way of life. I am very aware of secret clubs and fetish organisations where people will willingly whip you until you are bleeding. Or rope you up until you look like a suspended knitting doll. You can even be gang banged in these places if you so wish and there is never EVER a shortage of men waiting in line to be your carnal hero. Or it can be something dabbled in. But IMO, it should never be avoided. What you choose to do and how you wish to spend your days having sex is purely down to personal preference. In my experience a 90/10 split (the 10 being the kink) keeps things spicy and rarely boring. But back to my point…men suddenly only want adventurous or kinky women. And they are soooo quick to get to this conversation without realising it doesn’t need to be said. Or if it does need to be said, then there are clever ways of saying it without being too blinking obvious. The trouble is, men who raise it too early with women who have a kink about them are probably looking for something more substantial in a man than what the man can bring to the bedroom. Truly kinky women who only seek kinky encounters are more often than not looking for short-term partners. They enjoy the quick bursts of passion that comes from short-term matches. They seek polygamy, and in my experience the majority of the Menz who want the kinky stuff, don’t like to share. If the woman is submissive, they thrive on the desire of men towards them and pleasing the man. If they are Domme, well much the same. But whilst women are out there seeking advice from dating coaches asking what is wrong with me repeatedly questioning why men only want sex, men equally have zero idea when it comes to women. Boys, if you are looking for a long term, high value, kinky woman, then you should date her at least twice before bringing up the conversation, or wait for her to raise it. Sure, you might end up chatting to lots of women who are happy to talk kink and get into sexting quickly, and sure she might be kinky now but if that’s the only thing you really value in a woman, the majority of us are gonna think you’ll be pretty fucking boring over the age of 65 and that is why us we don’t see you as long term potential. I always try to offset anything sex related with ‘I think you have mistaken me for somebody you have taken out on many more dates’. If they get the hint then brill we continue and those are the guys that get to sample the goods. If not, then SAYONARA. OK fine, I might dive in with some fun, flirty, filthy finger-tapping if it’s a particularly dry spell, or actually get down and dirty if they are six kinds of hot…I am a red blooded female after all, but for sure I ain’t dating them!

I suppose what I am saying here is that it is no longer taboo for women to be sexual. Or sexually free. Inhibitions abandoned. The problem is that men have taken this to mean that they can obtain free carnal gifts from us without putting in any effort.

What a fucking liberty!

Men are like Buses. Part 2

I can’t get this stuff written down fast enough, I have drafts on drafts detailing my internal witterings, trying to unscramble the mumbo jumbo, which is great because I have content ideas and I did commit to writing 500 words twice a week. The problem is none of it makes sense. None. It isn’t funny (yet) and truthfully I’m not sure I even have the brain capacity to edit them in my usual brand of humour because alongside full-time work I am also home schooling. Maths for 8 year old children is hard yo and it’s depleting my cerebral energy. What I can normally edit in a couple of hours is taking me 3 days and it has absolutely nothing to do with being distracted by beautiful men. OK maybe.

Lets back up to the start of the national UK lockdown 2020. I found myself with a menu of potential boyfriends; see ‘Too Many Choices‘.

My cynical view on love was firmly implanted and my Mind, Body, Soul plan was well underway and I ain’t changing for no-one! I just assumed this was the Menz being bored needing to find something to keep them entertained. Whatever, I was nonchalant about the whole thing. Well not the pilot. I liked him. Still do, it’s just not an obsession like FD.

But as the weeks and months passed by they were still hanging about! Huh!? So a teeny tiny small part of me started feeling hopeful, perhaps if they are still here, they are actually interested! Obviously none of them turned into anything particularly noteworthy, as I still find myself ruminating on my love life decisions; they wanted casual and I wanted anything but casual. There may have also been some Cleopatra-esque fight to the death between two and I blew it. Well, that might be an exaggeration, I didn’t really blow anything, they were only interested, not invested so I let the cataclysm fall where it may.

By November however they had all come to an end, the pilot being the last of the 2020 group and I had a renewed male obsession. Despite my best efforts, that has also not come to fruition. Its OK though, I have had my reality check. Moving on.

So, in present day 2021, I decide to start the year off with a renewed vigour against the war of love and download a dating app. Its been productive, I have found myself chatting to some very gorgeous and some very interesting men. I have ‘dated’ (ish) two so far, lets keep it brief.

Insane Rob. Last week we agreed to meet at Costa on my way home from work as we could grab a drink and chat side by side whilst sat in our cars. How very 90’s! Why insane? Just his personality type, he was fun, very funny, he was nice, I’d bang him at least but its not going anywhere given that his communications after Friday being only of the 10pm kind. See ya!

Two nights ago, I video chatted with Matthew the geeky gamer and it lasted for 2.5 hours. He was very easy going, had a lot to say, we share a lot of things in common. The instant attraction really isn’t there but I think there is potential for chemistry. He’s also quite weird, like me and I dig weird!

But what is strange is that I’ve suddenly been confronted by another list of ‘boyfriends’ outside of this dating app! OK, so not all male friends in my life as I alluded to in my blog of the same name (dramatic much?), but I am 100% back to having a menu of choices. Is this a side effect of lockdown? Or has the change in my mindset to go from ‘Love? Meh!’ to ‘Love? Hell yeah‘ been sensed. They say what you project into the world comes back to you. Is this voodoo? Some kind of love karma?

I have known a guy called Nathan for 4 years. We met on POF when I was newly single after a 13 year relationship. I had no idea what I was doing. We went on about 5 dates, but I didn’t pursue anything because he wasn’t very tactile. I think we went the whole time without a kiss. It was weird, but he was funny and I figured with a few dates he’d come out of his hostile shell. He didn’t. Plus, he lived a good 20 miles away and between working, being a mother, having a house to renovate etc, I really just couldn’t see myself having the time for him. I politely explained my decision to not want to take things further and he was really good about it. We have remained friends since, meeting up every so often to hike or eat (when it was allowed) and just generally catch up with each other. Not three days ago, he gets in touch and says ‘Fancy a snog?’

Umm, what?! I appreciate there is nothing romantic about this message, but knowing the guy as I do, this is extremely forward and is as romantic as he can get. Not in the mood for games though and just to check, I replied with ‘for one night orrrrr?’

‘For a bit…’ Oh heck, just see for yourselves….

We haven’t seen each other since September. The whole pandemic making travelling for either of us difficult. He works in a primary school teaching KS1 too so he has his hands full with work. But WHY NOW? I have asked him to explain. He has said the snog and cuddle is optional, so he actually wants to see me. Just me. For a walk. To have a laugh. He doesn’t need to explain really. I’m just trying to satisfy my curiosity.

Then a guy who I used to work with (lets call him Jeff) who I have zero interaction with whatsoever other than to follow him on social media suddenly strikes up a conversation with me in my DM’s. He was responding to a selfie I posted where I had captioned it with ‘Felt Cute, might delete later’. Oh, we know where this is going don’t we? Everybody knows what sliding into the DM’s means and I can see he has been watching my stories for a couple of months. But I was pleasantly surprised, I love when people suggest new places for me to walk and explore and he did just that, and then offered to take me there, we haven’t stopped chatting since. This is not the action of a man who just wants to be friends is it? Especially one who hasn’t spoken to me for 10 years. I guess he’s been plucking up the courage or waiting to see if I am actually single?

I am excited by none of them. Not one of these men set my world on fire. It may be because I am harbouring an obsession. It may be because I have actually learned something over the last 18 months about not getting too caught up in first impressions. What I have quickly figured out though and is now my top tip for dating after 2 whole dates so I’m obviously an expert: leave it a few days after any date before deciding to continue or not. I cannot stress this enough. Unless it was a very obviously bad date, you will most likely come away smiling to yourself purely based on the success of just getting through it, especially if you are new to dating. But this false sense of achievement will undoubtedly obscure any red flags that your brain hasn’t quite processed yet. So you can reflect and will also give you chance to identify his next intentions. Win Win. And this is especially important if you come away having laughed a lot!

Anyway, back to men being like buses.

Insane Rob wants a kind, honest, genuine person, but the fact he refers to his camper van as his ‘fuck truck’ and the fact he spends most of his time in Wiltshire (the fucking other end of the country) makes this a very easy decision. I’m gonna wait for the next bus.

Geeky Matt has zero charisma, but can hold a conversation. He didn’t make me laugh much on the date but has had a few quips whilst we have been chatting which has made me giggle. There was no flirting but he did invest 2.5 hours over a video call. Yes, I said a video call. So I’m happy to hop onto this new bus for at least another stop.

Nathan I do actually like. We have a platonic relationship right now but I could quite easily move out of that into the romantic arena. He’s funny, cute, fit, successful and engaging. They say that when you come away from a date you should consider if you would be friends with this person, attraction or none, and in this case, I have a proven friendship. I’m reluctant though because again, it seems like a casual set up can only be on the cards. I have made it very clear I do not want that. Nathan is a circular, if I hop on, I might discover some new sights but I know exactly where I’ll be going. I do wonder with Nathan if we both have the same idea of what a friendship is. Maybe I’m just one bus stop on his circular tour of town and he has a number of ladies at other stops.

Jeff has completely come out of the blue. He’s the bus I was least expecting. A big flashy tour bus with tinted windows. I have no idea whats on it, but I want to take a peek. Nothing colourful in my DM’s either, just a straight forward let me take you out. I’m gonna hop on board and see what happens at the next stop.

Even though I have been working on me, I am still second-guessing myself. I have a penchance for being friendly, is it possible my general character is being misconstrued? I keep asking myself whether my need to be friendly is toxic to me, my innate need as people-pleaser means I quite often just see the good in people and expect everybody to be as friendly as I am, but I don’t think it works that way. It’s dawned on me that Nathan might just be recycling girls he knows. Maybe I need to start blocking people? I read somewhere that the sign of a healthy woman is one who has the ability to walk away. The train is leaving the station bus is leaving the stop. By staying friends with them, I’m always waiting for the bus and so they’ll never realise just what a loss I am? God that sounds a little big headed, but nobody else is going to put me on a pedestal, I may as well do it myself. And if I want to find the man of my dreams in real life, I need to sort out the dream haze. The haze in this case is underwhelming men!

I adapted Wendy Cope’s poem:

Bloody men travel on bloody buses.

We are talking about fucking buses…

Seriously girl,

…..find one with a car.

And just when I thought my reality check had firmly taken hold, my horoscope goes and gives me this worthy gem:

So do I continue with my obsession or not?!