Gamer Geek #4

It’s a sign isn’t it?

My last post was 21st April and I haven’t even got my first May post off the ground. I can’t even blame the fact I have no time to write one because I’m filling it all up with GG, but that’s not quite the truth. I have been in a bit of slump. Nobody tells you how hard life can get at times, we just have to sail through and come out of it the other side, hoping our mast is still in tact.

I don’t even have a hard life, especially when I look at those of the people I surround myself with. So I don’t really have the balls to go into a slump. But we’ve all been through the same hellish year; same sea, different boats?

I suppose it’s almost a reversal of fortune if I use hindsight. At the beginning of the year, I had 5 prospects, the motivation to get myself fit, eat well, date, plan, write, work, mother, care. Now I have 1 solid prospect (not officially titled or anything yet), for whom I have a lot of adoration and want to make time for, but all my other endeavours have kinda fallen off a cliff. I haven’t even been for a walk in over 2 weeks. I’m even considering giving up football.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

I wonder whether all of my hobbies, we’re just a smoke screen to make it look like I’m cool and interesting to prospective dates, but deep down on the inside, I’m just a weak, lazy, boring Gal who needs the facade. This is a genuine worry. Is this imposter syndrome? Is this my relationship anxiety kicking in? But when I really give it some factual thought: the walking is a lifelong hobby and the football has been running for 2 years so neither of those are directly linked to my goal of finding love. I’ve achieved my fitness goal so I’m in maintain mode, no point going overboard. I still mother well, care well, eat well. It’s only really the writing that has probably gone a bit haywire… and not really, I just haven’t had the inspiration for a post. Or rather the brain fog has descended and I’m struggling to clear it to come up with a witty post about dating. (Brain: you are assuming they are witty).

Interesting that I’m not questioning GG’s intentions here though, but my own. Is that the sign when you know it’s a good thing? Turning the anxiety inwards, finding blame somewhere because GG has been faultless? And I’m not blinded by lust, love or like…truthfully, I’m still developing those feelings for him but the patience, the love, the care, the peace that has descended upon my life since GG came into this sphere of mine is not what I am accustomed to. The pace has been slow and steady. The investment has been building consistently. The laughter has increased gradually. the time spent together has built to the point where we just completed a whole weekend together. I AM NOT USED TO THIS.

GG invited me over to watch the football tomorrow night and inadvertently, I made it sound like I didn’t want to because I’m due my period. He made it very clear at that point that he doesn’t just want me for sex. I hadn’t realised how I’d made it sound and fortunately he wasn’t offended. But a guy who isn’t just interested in the sex? Who is interested in me? I don’t understand…its only ever been sex or nothing in my experience!

Maybe the internalised questions a sign that I am the one with shitty intentions? Am I going to be the heartbreaker? Do I need to put in more effort? Is it better to worry about your own actions or the intentions/investment of the other? I suppose if I worry about my own actions I can actually do something about them as opposed to somebody else’s of which I have no control over.

Our first physical date was 6th Feb. It is now May 5th and as we head into dating month #4, I wonder whether all this overthinking that I do that I really can’t help is my intuition, or whether it is a dating pattern I need to break?

Self-sabotage much?

Witty Title – Fairytales

Once upon a time, there was a little Princess who was born into a less than privileged setting. She grew up strong and determined. She rebelled and forged her own path growing into a success, ambitious, independent woman. She had a fulfilled life with lots of love in family and friends and hobbies and interests that allowed her to explore her own personal knowledge and experiences.

But deep down, something was missing. She wanted companionship, somebody to share in her wonderful achievements and hobbies. Somebody to laugh with and make dinner with and hike with, somebody to support and cheerlead. Somebody to cuddle up to or make love to.

And one day, when she stopped worrying, and stopped overthinking, and stopped trying to guess, and just relaxed, Prince Charming knocked on her door (or iPhone App in this fairytale) bowed down in front of her and showered her with quality time, laughter and friendship.

For four glorious months, they chatted, went on adventures and dated. He bought food, she cooked, they found mutual enjoyment in the outdoors and films and sports such as tennis and football. They had their separate interests too and were able to spend time apart without getting bored or lonely or needing to fill up time with each other, even though the princess wanted to.

Now this fairytale princess took a long time to trust this Prince Charming. He was too nice, too secure, too normal, to look after a princess. And the princess kept asking ‘this isn’t quite right’ and ‘do I even like him’?

The Princess was scared to admit it. Because all her life she had experienced liking and loving someone with rejection. She had led a life of unrequited loves.

But, eventually, the day came where she finally accepted him, for who he was, admitting her attraction, admitting she had gotten used to his presence in her life. Wanting to explore beyond the superficial and dig a little deeper. He knew she was looking for a marriage. He knew about her Elvis superman status. He knew her bad habits, he was accepting of her and she was of him.

And so the story goes….

He ghosted her.

FD #7 or is it #8?

At the very first second of the very first minute of the very first hour of the very first day that I was conscious of this 2021st year, I read the following words ‘Happy New Year Babes’.

And those four little words created an excitement in me that I just couldn’t contain. So much so, I told everybody who would listen about it…you guys, my lovely readers, my friends, my colleagues. Even my Mum and I don’t tell her anything (because she doesn’t need to know that her daughter is a hoe). And for anybody who doesn’t know the history of FD (Football Dad) then please view nearly all posts published between October and January. I then spent a good 6 weeks obsessing over his uncharacteristic pet name, despite the fact, as it turned out, that that was the end of his investment and effort in our ‘what could have been’ relationship.

And you might be wondering ‘why on earth is she re-hashing this old story? Bringing him up?’ Don’t worry, I can hear you all shouting ‘let it go, love!’

But the reason I am bringing it up is because I went back to football training tonight and as this is how we know each other, he was there. I saw him. Looking all fine in his shorts and t-shirt, flexing his muscly arms and winning smile. And instantly I remember why I crush on him. Damnit!

And of course he was keen to say hello, and crack a joke.

I was not so warm.

I promised myself I would be my usual friendly, chatty self. I wouldn’t let the humiliation affect my interaction with him. But I am not made that way. And truthfully, I was pissed. Pissed at him for showing up looking finer than Adonis himself. Pissed at him for being chatty and friendly like n o t h i n g has ever potentially happened between us. Pissed at him for not helping me with my balls. Pissed at him for smiling and forcing me to chat and hold his eye contact.

Just pissed.

And you know what I’m pissed at even more? Myself. For allowing the feelings of frustration and anger to seep in and not be indifferent to the whole thing like I so desperately wanted to be. I’m obviously not over it.

The good news is, I don’t feel the same intense level of crush on him. Yes, I’m attracted to him but I don’t feel like I want to act on it anymore. And added to that I found myself disliking some of the endearing qualities that initially attracted me to him, his ‘loud’ presence and his height. I’ve never ruled out any man because of his height but I’d 100% tower over him in my heels, so I’m latching onto that. And he’s updated his WhatsApp status to ‘Road Man’ and whilst it might be a joke, I 100% deserve better than a god damn road man, Nike kicks, sweat pants and puffer jackets are not what I want to be sat opposite when I’m sharing my hilarious stories over a Malibu and pineapple.

So that’s progress.

Hopefully, all of that will continue to slowly turn me off, and the fact we are in contact again, no matter how small, doesn’t start re-ignite the fire….but if anybody has any tips on turning my pissy feelings into cool indifference then I would love to hear them!

Also…note to self. Don’t tell Mum anything unless you want to hear ‘how’s things going with that guy from football?’ forever!!

’Witty Title’ Rejection

You can’t reject a man. There. I said it.

If you ghost, you’re disrespectful. If you’re honest, they just keep dangling the carrot hoping you’ll bite.

Unfortunately for me, I’m wired to bite. I need the last word. I won’t back down from a fight and this is built in stone. I have a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush and I consider my ability to weave words together to create a harmony of sweet and sting one of my greatest strengths. (On paper at least, I’m much less eloquent face to face).

But herein lies the problem. Men don’t like to be rejected. Heck, nobody likes to be rejected. Yet, the world makes out that it’s women that become the crazy bunny boilers and men are nonchalant. But in my experience, and I have been the crazy one on several occasions, men take it much harder than women.

This post isn’t designed to berate any particular gender, but I have no doubt that someone may be triggered if they happen to read this and I really don’t mean to do that; I’m reminded about the time FD triggered me many months ago by saying ‘If she’s single and fit, she’s crazy’ and my equally slandering retort of ‘If he’s single and fit, he’s an Alpha Pussy’.

And you might be wondering why I’m jumping on my soapbox about this?

One of my old ‘boyfriends’ The Pilot will not let me just drive off into the sunset in peace. I’ve made my position very clear about looking for something more than casual (dude, step up or step away) and despite us very clearly being on different pages of very different books, he continues to bait me. And when I don’t take the bait (and by this I mean ignore him), he throws a hissy fit.

When I do reply in kind, he sees that as a reason to push his boundaries and completely ignore mine. I should just continue to ignore him and let him have his man-paddy, but I respect people and ghosting is just not my style. Is this because I have a built-in need to please people? Or am I respectful? Blocking people is a very last resort for me because I do value connections that I have made with people. I’m not saying we’d be friends in the traditional sense though, so maybe I should re-consider my criteria for blocking? Or at least explore why I’m so reluctant to block?

Yesterday, The Pilot and I texted more in one day than we have the whole year. All because he doesn’t want to lose his booty call. Or at least, that’s what I think. And the reality is, even if I did want something casual, I’ve found that in Mr Big who is local and, quite frankly, scores way higher on the ‘Fuck Buddy-O-Metre’.

And I know a mans ego is a fragile thing and this is perhaps why I try and let down the Menz gently. It never works though. You gotta burn the bridge or they just keep trying. And trying. And t r y i n g!!

And the world wonders why women fear saying no and why ‘I have a Boyfriend’ is the only effective way of getting a guy off your back.

I think the whole point of this post though was that no matter which side of the rejection fence you are on…giving or receiving, the whole thing sucks!

Is it better to be a heartbreaker? Or be the one broken?