I’ve done some pretty crazy things in my time when it comes to impressing a guy I have a crush on.
It started pretty young too and I guess the fact I have done wild things as an adult too, suggests there was at least some merit in the madness.
My first memory of impressing a guy comes as a 7 year old. My Nan and grandad would take me on holiday to an English holiday site in their caravan. I loved the kids club, there was always something to do when the sun wasn’t shining and I couldn’t dig for Australia on the beach.
One night there was a Karaoke show and my favourite song at the time was Neil Sedaka ‘Oh Carole’. No idea why!
Encouraged by my family I put my name down, but I had the biggest crush in Tony, the blue coat who ran the kids club. Obviously 7yr old me didn’t understand crushes or the fact that this adult would have zero interest back for legal reasons, but I wanted to be noticed all the same.
He called my name, I remember walking on stage in front a room full of people, smiling sweetly at my crush Tony, secretly happy with myself that he’d notice my confidence, my blonde hair and he’d want to be my friend.
As I stepped up to the mic I realised how many people there were. And that was the only thought I had as the music started up. I couldn’t remember the lyrics. I managed the first ‘oh Carole’ and then my voiced seized up, stage fright took over. The music carried on for a few bars, but no words came out. I must have looked petrified because next thing I know Tony was back out sympathetically asking the crowd to give me a round of applause for ‘giving it a try’.
I ran off red faced and crying, the experience well and truly scarred into my brain that not only could I not sing or remember the most basic of song lyrics, but also that I’d ruined any chance of making Tony my boyfriend.
I made the mistake of going searching to see where my exes are at. Loneliness and newfound singledom makes you do some crazy shit.
Boy do I wish I had someone here telling me how much of a bad idea that would have been.
Because now I’m depressed. Everybody is so much further on or better off which makes me feel like a complete loser.
Because they’ve all moved on, happy and living out their dreams while here I am, still stood in the same place I was 6 years ago.
And the thing that’s worse? None of it motivates me to do better. Or be better.
Instead, I’m rooted to the spot, by jealousy and bitterness and this idea ‘that it should have been me’. Even though I couldn’t have been the one for all of them, I could definitely have been the one for one of them.
And as much as I’d like to think it is all meant to be and that it’s just getting me ready for the real deal, the man who deserves me, all I can see as a result is failure on my part.
And none of them were decent guys. El Capitano is married. MARRIED!
At least SuperMark got fat. But so did I so it’s not giving me the satisfaction it should. Just reminding me that I’m no further forward than I was 6 years ago and now I’m fat. At least back then I was slim and sexy instead of fat and dumpy.
Not even that is motivating me.
You know the whole ‘you gotta be the sexy ex?’ Mantra? Nope. Not here. I’ll happily be the one who looks like shit. And then I’ll complain about it to anybody that will listen.
How do I get myself out of this? Mr No-Name was meant to be my guy! How do I pick myself up yet again and rebuild my strength and character? How do I keep the faith that it will all work out and that all my inner most desires and dreams will come to life?
Do I push people away on purpose to see if they will fight for us/me?
Do I purposely try to intimidate people to see if they are worthy of my time?
Are ambivalence and procrastination just the behaviours I adopt to avoid emotional pain?
Are these my self sabotaging behaviours? Because I have a fear of abandonment?
Attach quickly to unavailable partners? ✅
Fail to fully commit to relationships? ✅
Struggle with being hard to please and nitpicky? ✅
Tend to overthink things and work hard to find hidden meaning? ✅✅✅✅✅
Read on to see how this manifested itself in my relationship with GG.
In the beginning: getting to know each other was easy. It was safe. There was no emotional investment and I got the best of both worlds, doing my own thing whilst spending time with him. I didn’t attach quickly, but I spent a long time looking for reasons to not like him.
HoneymoonPhase: because we got along so well, and he demonstrated behaviours that did not challenge my independence, and he could offer me a lifestyle I enjoyed, I consciously overlooked some of the yellow flags. We got on well so they didn’t matter. Plus, as we spent more time together, I felt secure. Wanted. I was still hard to please. And found fault wherever I could, blogging about it and then trying to understand why I couldn’t just be entirely happy with it.
Shit gets real: it doesn’t matter how well two people get on. The reality of life creeps in which shakes the status quo; sickness, work, money worries, time to do other things, family issues, the behaviours that were questioned in the early stages. All of these are very normal things and should be expected in a relationship. They are positive steps in fact as you work towards a life together.
But I have a fear of abandonment and so I see this as pulling away. I see it as ‘not prioritising me’ and I was never able to express myself for fear of coming across as clingy.
I’m so slighted: examples of perfectly healthy things GG asked for that I perceived as a slight against me: filling his free time with badminton, gaming and work. This equates to him not wanting me. My fear of abandonment kicks in and reactions follow.
Reaction: I start becoming convinced that I’m being neglected. So I wanted GG to prove he loved me. I wouldn’t say I was asking him to jump through hoops, I felt my ask was reasonable, give up one of them if our quality time was affected. But the reality is, this was a change in pace for me. Us. Suddenly I was asking him to give up something I’d not asked before. This stemmed from fear of abandonment. If I push him away and he stays then I must be worthy of love. And if he doesn’t then my fear is realised.
I don’t think I was really ever in love with GG. I mean it’s easy for me to say this now. And ironic that I’m projecting against feelings of love possibly to ease my fear abandonment. But I don’t think that’s the case. I loved the campervan. I loved the adventure lifestyle we had. I loved when he came to me. I loved that I still had a lot of my own time and independence. I loved how calm and easy we found it to be. I did not like his attitude to conflict, or cooking. It was always a ball-ache/chore having to go over to his, I never made any special effort for him, never took him out for a special date (expect his birthday). I don’t think I loved him. I just liked him, but loved the idea of him.
And so I stopped making any effort. And when he matched my energy I called him out on it and it did not go my way. So, lesson learned.
I’ve also found other examples of how my fear of abandonment has manifested in relationships. Maybe I’ll save that for another blog post though.
It will take 11 weeks at a minimum to get over someone you love according to psychology people on the internet. I’m at week 8. I’m still waking up on a Sunday and letting the tears fall. Having to dry my face before I can face another day without him.
My anger phase is over. Forgiveness is seeping in and with that my stubbornness is melting away. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss the way we would cuddle in the morning. I miss his stupid cooking. I miss his sarcastic sense of humour, his petty way of dealing with things. I miss the way he loved me. I miss our adventures together. I miss his company.
I started dating to get over him, but I don’t want to get over him. I know I have no right to say that, I know I should walk away from somebody who couldn’t have a mature conversation about his feelings. I know I should walk away from someone who thinks it’s ok to break up in a text after 12 months. But I was angry. I was stubborn. But now I don’t feel those things. I just cry. I can’t stop crying. I cry for no reason at all. Crying has overtaken all emotion. Something funny? I cry. Something sad? I cry. Something happy? I cry. He is forgiven and with forgiveness comes a light. A new second chance perhaps? I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to move on. I want to go back and work harder at it. Be better. All those things that were listed as being reasons for not being with me are superficial. Paper cuts compared to the bigger wounds we feel. I think I tapped in one of GG’s wounds and ended up hurt. But I want to help heal his wounds and he can heal mine too. He already did, I want to do the same. His wife cheated on him. Left him for another man. It explains his emotional growth, or lack thereof.
It’s Sunday, I can go knock on his door. He’ll be home. Gaming. I can explain why I haven’t spoken for 8 weeks because I was angry. But now I’m in a phase of forgiveness. And if we could just talk, we could get through this and we can go back to having our life of adventure! Or I could text him. Tell him I miss him and ask him to meet me to talk.
Or I can do nothing at all and wonder what if for the rest of my life. Thinking about him instead of moving forward with my life. But what if he doesn’t want to rekindle things and then I have to start this whole healing process again?!
Is this the denial stage? Or is it bargaining? Or is it depression? Is this the final test before you reach acceptance? I thought I’d gone through this but maybe not! Maybe I’ve just been in an angry phase and by keeping busy with DIY kitchens and holidays and adventures of my own I’ve been delaying the inevitable.
God, why am I still crying? Even now, I’m typing through blurred eyes, squeezing them shut to try and stop the tears from falling. Biting my lip to stop my lower lip from wobbling. Holding my breath to prevent the wail of anguish that is dying to come out.
I alone. I’m lonely. I’ll never find somebody else like him. Who loved me like he did. Am I only remembering the good stuff? Has all the bad stuff, the stuff I didn’t like, magically vanished? I don’t want to get to know somebody new. It’s hard to do. I just want my GG life back.
According to the internet, there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and acceptance.
Denial is when you are in disbelief. You can’t accept the break-up. You think your partner will come back. Maybe you give them space to realise what they are missing. And when they don’t realise what they are missing, denial turns to Anget.
Anger towards your former partner is perfectly healthy, especially if he or she is breaking up your family. This is the most emotional phase and it’s worth waiting until this phase passes before making any decisions or rash judgements. Once the anger dissipates, you reach bargaining.
Bargaining is where you begin to talk and try to create a friendship out of the tatters of your relationship. Or maybe try to salvage the relationship, putting you back in the denial phase. The longer you spend in this loop, the longer it will take you to grieve the last two stages. It’s the realisation that the relationship is over that leads us to stage 4, depression.
Depression is the point where you come to terms with your break-up and realise the relationship won’t change. Or your partner won’t change. You most likely want to be alone. You’ll be tired, unmotivated and everything will feel heavy. This is where you really need to lean on the people that support you so that you can find acceptance.
Acceptance is the hardest part of any grief cycle. It takes some soul searching to know what part you played in the breakup and piece together the relationship. It’s normal to hold a special place in your heart for someone we love/loved, but knowing it’s time to move on is powerful.
I’m currently in the depression stage. I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want him back, I’m not longer angry. I realise I asked GG to put me first and he couldn’t so I got all these puny excuses. I’m still reflecting on my part though. The cause for this break-up is still 100% directed at GG because I’m not yet able to understand what my role in the break up is/has been. The depression stage brings with it a lack of motivation, energy. It’s the stage where you just go through the motions everyday. Get through each hour minute by minute so I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to understand what role I played. Yet.
You are arrogant, selfish, greedy, petty and impatient. You don’t like people who you consider inferior to you. Your life is set up for convenience rather than people. You need constant stimulation. You hold grudges, buy impulsively, you can’t wait for anything and you have the emotional bandwidth and communication skills of a lump hammer.
Those are your flaws. As humans we all have flaws, I accepted your flaws. Sometimes they infuriated me but I loved you anyway.
It’s a shame that you could not accept me for my flaws. I say flaws, I’m actually referring to your reasons for not wanting to be with me and the fact they are not intrinsic to who I am as a person. They are superficial and easily fixed, but as we know you are impatient and selfish so you wouldn’t have the patience to let me work on those things.
It took me such a long time to fall in love with you. I never had that fast burning rush of love with you, it was always a slow burn. It was a nice change of pace for me and I think I learned to love you in the way that is typically left when being in love falls away. I accepted you along the way, for who you were.
I don’t think you ever loved me. It took you a night of beers to tell me once and then after that it was hardly ever. I think you was in love with the idea of me. The rush of our adventures in the van, the freedom to explore our sexual preferences in the early days, the weight of responsibility lifted because you hadn’t met my son yet creating a false sense of infatuation and lust. But those things don’t last. They subside. And not because they don’t exist anymore but the priorities of roles in the relationship change.
Once they subside though, that’s where the real love lies. You want your partner to be happy. You accept that there may be mundane and boring bits to a relationship but you imagine that life without them is more unbearable that life with them. More boring. More mundane.
I love you. I don’t want to imagine a life without you. I’m surprised that I feel this way. It’s a tradition for me to just move on without fear or compromise. Im the queen of self-sabotage and I can deal with rejection like a pro. But I feel like I’ve been gutted. Like a fish, my innards splaying out of my body. For once my friends and family can see the emotion in me, can see my body sagging. I need holding up. I need to cry and curl up in a ball and not move for as long as it takes to get over you.
I want revenge too. I want you to hurt, I want your heart to be breaking. I want you to be awake at night, writing all of your innermost thoughts down because you can’t sleep. But I know that’s not happening because you would have had to love me in the first place. I want you to be awake in the middle of the night turning over in your head what went wrong. I want you to be full of anger and resentment that you wish would disappear so you can start over. Psychologists say it takes a minimum of 11 weeks for people to get over someone they love. 11 weeks! I feel it probably took you 11 minutes. You was checked out of this relationship 11 weeks ago. You’ve already done your grieving, denial, anger, depression and already in your acceptance phase. Meanwhile I’ve got my 11 weeks to go, if not longer. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you don’t want me in your life but I still have to work through my thoughts and feelings for you in mine.
My friends, my family all say, give him time, he’ll come back. But they don’t know you like I do. They don’t know how stubborn you are and how coming back to me would dent your pride. You wouldn’t give it a second thought. You might consider it if you confided in someone about how you feel, but you don’t do that either, bottling up inside. You’d also have to be honest with yourself about why you can’t make a relationship work. Why you don’t have good communication and emotional skills, why you project the blame of a relationship breaking down, on superficial things. When really it’s your lack of compromise and unrealistic expectations to what a couple looks like.
Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. You didn’t deserve me. You didn’t deserve my steady love, my commitment, my time, my emotions. You didn’t deserve my unwavering loyalty, even during the times I questioned my own loyalty. I was reliable and supportive and flexible. How did I not see those qualities being missed by you?
I didn’t settle. I settled on. I wanted us to be a couple. I wanted a relationship. I wanted nurture.
God – how did you come to such a conclusion of I’m not good enough only 3 weeks after valentines. The words in the card meant nothing. They were lies. Nobody changes their mind that quickly, especially since absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Or did having 3 weeks away from me realise that you didn’t miss me? Or did you have another? Is that the real reason? Has some other woman lit a new fire in your belly? Created the excitement you was seeking in our relationship? Is she putting you first because there is nobody else in her life? Is she giving you the space to do what you want, when you want? What happens in 12 months when all of that is stripped bare? You gonna dump her too and start over again?
Men want their girlfriends to be pornstars in the bedrooms, chefs in the kitchen and mothers in the lounge. They want girlfriends to have the freedom to play video games for 10 days straight and then suck they’re sweaty cheesy dicks once they’re done. They want their girlfriend to plan exciting things for them to do whilst sitting back playing games and letting their dicks gets stale. And they want them to do all of this and work full time, earn a good wage, and raise children into perfect magazine children with zero flaws and perfect manners.
Or at least one man in particular wants that.
I’ve been single for 10 days. Taking a step back has been an unexpected luxury because I’ve gained insight.
Let me rewind….
GG and I had a weekend away for Valentines. We had a lovely time, the room was perfect, the food we booked was incredible. But I got sick and it turned out to be Covid. Cue an early drive home and 10 subsequent days of isolation because I just couldn’t get that stubborn positive line on the LFT to disappear! 5 days after my positive test, GG tested positive which was expected and so cue another week of isolation for him. Neither of us got to see each other for 2 weeks and then we didn’t see each other for another week because GG’s game got a new release so he spent a lot of time playing it.
I left GG to it and busied myself with kitchen things and binge-watching tv. It was nice not worrying about him, not feeling guilty that I couldn’t do more because I was working, or because I had my son or because I just wanted to my own thing. He was fulfilling his hobby. I was fulfilling mine.
We were due to see each other on a Thursday but I had got my dates wrong about my sons dad going on holiday and I ended up being primary caregiver so I didn’t got to GG’s. He lives 20 mins away and my son has school. I thought this was reasonable.
Things turned around though on the following Monday. GG had a long day at work and said he wasn’t coming over, which I was fine with because I had some kitchen things to do following the electrician.
But when I asked when I’d see him next…well see for yourself.
All we do is watch tv and go to bed. It’s a Monday or a Thursday, I’ve a stressful challenging job. And, we only watch tv because he always puts it on. Fucking jeez.
Umm, sorry, what difference does staying up later have to do with anything?
We know the reasons GG has given me are feeble. But I wanted to put some context behind this. Following on from the conversation above GG asked me how I was feeling. I confided that I felt neglected because I’m fourth on his priority list. Everything he does is centred around football, gaming, work and Badminton. I like the fact he has hobbies, but if one of them impacts on our quality time, there is zero effort or compromise on getting it back.
Of course I explained this to GG. And instead of him admitting he doesn’t want to prioritise me, or can’t, or won’t, he sent me this.
His gaming doesn’t bug me, I just don’t get the obsession. And I’ve never stopped him gaming, or even suggested he can’t game if we lived together. Quite the opposite, I’ve been talking about building a gaming nest!
And as for our sex life, there is nothing wrong with it! It’s kinky at times, it’s boring at times. It can be loving and tender and a couple of times it has been rough. It’s all kinds and I like all kinds. We’ve had a gap of a couple of weeks where there has been no sex because he doesn’t initiate it ever and if I’m tired I don’t bother. I’ve dressed up, we’ve used toys. I’ve tried new things with him I’ve never done with other people. And enjoyed it. But that’s not good enough for GG. He wants more kink, less normal. He wants somebody who will suck his dick while he watches football or plays his games. Twerk and grind on him whilst he watched funny videos on YouTube. I’m always on top. Always! I wouldn’t mind so much if he was reciprocating, but he has flat out refused to even try and meet my sexual fantasies. They always want an open minded girlfriend but when it’s time for them to be open minded….closed door.
And…he refused to talk about the whole thing. I was unceremoniously dumped via text. TEXT! (The fact I blog my feelings is not lost on me, thank you).
I still love him, my heart and body yearn to get back what we had. But now that I have seen how he treats the people he claims to love, then I don’t want him. I won’t have him back.
I dunno what this is called, I can’t tell you why it has happened exactly, but I have found myself with a sudden obsession with a very unattainable man. The F1 driver Daniel Ricciardo!
I keep having daydreams of getting his autograph and him suddenly falling in love with me.
I don’t post on social media very often, I certainly don’t interact with influencers or famous people through comments. But I left an actual comment on a post of his. An actual comment. Like a saddo.
I am sad though. Im hurt. Im angry. Maybe this is how I cope with rejection? Or maybe what I feel is abandonment? My mind is finding ways to forget about my sadness by over-inflating the smallest of attractions into this unlikely Taylor-esque love story, because the feelings from the story are better than the feelings in real life. And as the old saying goes ‘the best way to get over one man, is to get under another’
But I don’t have the time to find another man. I don’t really want to either. So the unreachable Aussie driver will have to do the trick right now.
Everybody leaves in the end. And so will the daydreams.
P.s The title of this blog was a play on a well known idiom and also describes cars going round a track. Just in case you didn’t pick up on that already. Thought I should point it out so you don’t all think I’m completely doom and gloom.
You know what I love most about reading? Is landing on something that is completely 100% relatable. I just read ‘Emotional Needs in Relationships’. It’s a 29 page ebook so nothing too taxing and you can get a copy here: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/markmanson.net/why-dating-is-so-hard/amp
But if you just want the synopsis, keep reading. According to Manson, the there are 3 basic emotional needs in a relationship; Status, Connection and Security. We all prioritise these needs differently and at times change their priority round. As I was reading through the book, I began to recognise that up until I met GG, I was prioritising connection, then status and security was last. This is why the ones I ‘like’ rarely provided me with security. I was so busy focusing on the connection, and the lack of security was providing me with the challenge (status) that I never really stopped to recognise just how important security is to me. Thriving on the challenge of hooking them in, because of the physical attraction and connection.
The pattern is there with all of my failed crushes. ALL OF THEM!
Except for GG. I don’t know how, but with GG I prioritised security over connection and status and it finally makes sense why it was such a slow burn for me.
But the next question is why? Why have my emotional priorities changed? Why all of a sudden have I prioritised security? The need for trust. Or has it always been there, I just subconsciously haven’t prioritised it because emotional trauma historically has caused me to distrust security. ‘Everybody leaves in the end?’ I don’t have a close relationship with my family, or mother but I do hold family values quite high. We are all there for each other when needed but I’m not on the phone to them every day or even every week. It’s the same with my relationships with friends too. We are there for each other when needed but we don’t talk daily. I think the word is reliable. So actually, connection and status are not important in family or friend relationships per se, but knowing that I trust them completely and can rely on them is why we are friends.
So is this revelation part of the growth that I have been doing? Is it the lack of security from the Pilot, Football Dad, Mr Big and the numerous other fuckboys that I just reached the end of my tether and stopped searching for connection and focussed on somebody who would give me security?
But that raises another question now, whilst I do feel my security are met by GG almost 1000%, I also need to understand where my connection and status needs are. Intimacy is something I still struggle with, opening up and being vulnerable myself is a challenge so it would be unfair for me to expect my partner to be overly vulnerable if I’m a closed book.
Status isn’t something I’ve given much thought to, I don’t seek power or money, but I do seek a challenge. This is something I’ve always prioritised in many aspects of my life: relationships, work, hobbies – I climb mountains for the challenge. The views are worth it but the punishment of getting to the top is what drives me.
And there it is, the word punishment. For all the years of my single life, I’ve been subconsciously seeking out the punishers of the opposite sex. Maybe this is childhood behaviour ( I can’t remember), maybe it was the guilt driving me for being the home wrecker and needing to find penance. And perhaps 2021 saw me finally forgive myself and therefore let go of the subconscious need for punishment and finally accept the security that I need and deserve?
Maybe I’ve just been projecting my own personal faults onto the menz instead of owning my shit! Or subconsciously I have not been open to any of the basic emotional needs and the menz have picked up on that, consciously deciding that there was no longevity in a relationship with me.
Whatever the reasons, it’s not something I can change or influence. It’s not something I really need to think about right now either, but this post will be exactly what I need should I ever find myself single and in the dating pool again. I need security. Connection and status can be built. (Wouldn’t it be nice to have all three immediately though, I wonder what that’s like?)
Relationship anxiety happens when the security aspect of my emotional need is not met. Tussling with connection and status because it makes me feel good is a short term high, but doomed to fail if I don’t also assess the security needs of a relationship.
So there you have it. A short paragraph to help me avoid any Mr Bigs, Football Dads and Pilots in the future (if I don’t make it to being Mrs GG, that is)
My last post was 21st April and I haven’t even got my first May post off the ground. I can’t even blame the fact I have no time to write one because I’m filling it all up with GG, but that’s not quite the truth. I have been in a bit of slump. Nobody tells you how hard life can get at times, we just have to sail through and come out of it the other side, hoping our mast is still in tact.
I don’t even have a hard life, especially when I look at those of the people I surround myself with. So I don’t really have the balls to go into a slump. But we’ve all been through the same hellish year; same sea, different boats?
I suppose it’s almost a reversal of fortune if I use hindsight. At the beginning of the year, I had 5 prospects, the motivation to get myself fit, eat well, date, plan, write, work, mother, care. Now I have 1 solid prospect (not officially titled or anything yet), for whom I have a lot of adoration and want to make time for, but all my other endeavours have kinda fallen off a cliff. I haven’t even been for a walk in over 2 weeks. I’m even considering giving up football.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!
I wonder whether all of my hobbies, we’re just a smoke screen to make it look like I’m cool and interesting to prospective dates, but deep down on the inside, I’m just a weak, lazy, boring Gal who needs the facade. This is a genuine worry. Is this imposter syndrome? Is this my relationship anxiety kicking in? But when I really give it some factual thought: the walking is a lifelong hobby and the football has been running for 2 years so neither of those are directly linked to my goal of finding love. I’ve achieved my fitness goal so I’m in maintain mode, no point going overboard. I still mother well, care well, eat well. It’s only really the writing that has probably gone a bit haywire… and not really, I just haven’t had the inspiration for a post. Or rather the brain fog has descended and I’m struggling to clear it to come up with a witty post about dating. (Brain: you are assuming they are witty).
Interesting that I’m not questioning GG’s intentions here though, but my own. Is that the sign when you know it’s a good thing? Turning the anxiety inwards, finding blame somewhere because GG has been faultless? And I’m not blinded by lust, love or like…truthfully, I’m still developing those feelings for him but the patience, the love, the care, the peace that has descended upon my life since GG came into this sphere of mine is not what I am accustomed to. The pace has been slow and steady. The investment has been building consistently. The laughter has increased gradually. the time spent together has built to the point where we just completed a whole weekend together. I AM NOT USED TO THIS.
GG invited me over to watch the football tomorrow night and inadvertently, I made it sound like I didn’t want to because I’m due my period. He made it very clear at that point that he doesn’t just want me for sex. I hadn’t realised how I’d made it sound and fortunately he wasn’t offended. But a guy who isn’t just interested in the sex? Who is interested in me? I don’t understand…its only ever been sex or nothing in my experience!
Maybe the internalised questions a sign that I am the one with shitty intentions? Am I going to be the heartbreaker? Do I need to put in more effort? Is it better to worry about your own actions or the intentions/investment of the other? I suppose if I worry about my own actions I can actually do something about them as opposed to somebody else’s of which I have no control over.
Our first physical date was 6th Feb. It is now May 5th and as we head into dating month #4, I wonder whether all this overthinking that I do that I really can’t help is my intuition, or whether it is a dating pattern I need to break?
ThereNeverWasaSaintwithRedHair 