Fickle Feelings

The heart and mind are such fickle beings! My emotional rollercoaster continues and those thoughts and feelings on Mr Big and Gamer Geek have reversed in one day!

I had the day off work so I met with gamer geek and we did a 12 mile walk, spending about 4 hours together. We had a lot of fun, we laughed and talked. There were some moments of comfortable silence and at last…FLIRTING!!

Now, if this is not an advert to give a guy 3 dates before you make up your mind, then I dont know what is. This year so far has been weird. I started the year off obsessed with a guy for calling me ‘babes’ LOL! Then I found out another crush wanted to get naked with me, so I was like bring it on. Gamer geek and I realised today that we have been talking for 2 months and been on three dates. Not traditional dates because lockdown etc, but 3 walking dates, each progressively longer than the last and thus meaning more time spent together. And we haven’t missed a day of talking. And he’s been investing in all the right ways and I’m here for his consistency.

I have been matching the investment too – he’s baked biscuits, made tea, bought me dinner. I have cooked breakfast muffins and bagels and handed over breakfast when we have met. At the end of our 12 mile walk, he made me tea, and we got to talking about travelling later in the year once lockdown is over and travel restrictions are lifted. He invited me to tour Scotland with him. He did say – “its way too soon for me to ask you that I know, but if we are still dating by then, I would want you to come with me!” WOW. And my son. If there is one thing I absolutely love about Gamer Geek is his ability to consider my mini me in almost all aspects.

And today we finally started flirting. Well, he did, I tend to flirt all the time. We also kissed and I did not expect the lightening bolt that zipped through me. It wasn’t much of a kiss, certainly not a passionate one but it was enough to leave me wondering what a passionate kiss would be like. And despite the fact I have already bedded Mr Big, and despite the fact it has been amazing, I’m regretting jumping into that so quickly because I think I’d like to see what gamer geek is hiding between the sheets.

Brain: fucking slut!

Me: Hey!!!

There is something not quite right though. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it is just my own mistrust of it being too good to be true. Maybe there is the fact I have started sleeping with Mr Big and that is clouding some of my judgement because the crush is stronger than the newly acquired affection I have for GG? All my boxes are ticked, the heat was the last thing and whilst it’s not exploding, it’s definitely starting to build and that has me excited.

Is the crush on Mr Big just wishful thinking that it could turn into something more long-term? Dare I say it, but Brain was right: I’m already beginning to regret how I handled Mr Big from the beginning, using our typical office banter and filthy sense of humour, in my moment of weakness and loneliness and given the shit show that was FD, I latched onto the first bit of attention I got from a guy I actually like without any thought of consequences. And to make matters worse, we work together. I fucking hate it when brain overules me! But I got to give her credit, she does tend to know best.

Truth of the matter is, sex is amazing and I like it a lot, but it’s way more enjoyable when it is surrounded by the perks of a relationship. I always seem to forget this: Captain A, then The Pilot and now Mr Big.

So, if you have any tips on how I have this discussion with Mr Big, without hurting his ego and becoming the office gossip and facing any slut slurs, then I am all ears. 2 sex dates in feels way too soon to be this earnest, should I let it stew a little while longer? We haven’t booked our third one in yet because I’m making sure he pursues me, and I don’t chase. Childish game really, but hey, I’m not that easy!

Brain: Yeah you are

Me: …..

Emotion (Me) vs Logic (Brain)

Just one example of my inner ramblings involving Mr Big.

Him: We should hook up

Me: at fucking last. Yes we should.

Brain: hang on

Me: what?!

Brain: you work with this guy

Me: and?

Brain: there’s rules

Me: like what?

Brain: you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure

Me: who came up with that?

Brain: YOU! You Did.

Me: ….

Brain: and he’s already told you he doesn’t get attached

Me: yeah bu-

Brain: And you know he has a history

Me: Bu-

Brain: and do you wanna be gossip?

Me: B-

Brain: and let’s not forget the fact he didn’t swipe back on you!

Me: CAN I FUCKING SAY SOMETHING?!

Brain:….go on.

Me: I won’t get attached either!

Brain: LIAR!

Me: I won’t!

Brain: Exactly how long have you been crushing on him?

Me: So what?!

Brain: A crush is far safer than acting on it. This won’t end well

Me: but I want to act on it

Brain: I’m not giving you permission to act on it

Me: stop ruining my life

Brain: Fine. But don’t question why you didn’t listen to me when it all goes down in flames

4 months later….

Brain: *sigh* Told You So!

Mr Big #2

I am in trouble. Not the kind of trouble that has the ‘Po Po’ slamming your door in at 5am, nor the kind where I find myself swimming against an ebbing tide.

But the kind of trouble that gets a girls heart broken. BROKEN!

I was nervous for last night. So unbelievably nervous. I don’t know why, but I had butterflies. I was feeling super shy and just didn’t know what to do with myself for the whole hour I was waiting for Mr Big to show up. Maybe I was conscious of how I felt after our last get together and worried that my body’s apparent friendzoning of this guy was going to mean I couldn’t get going. Or equally worried that Mr Big was feeling something similar and that is why he didn’t stay going for long last time.

Whatever it was, soon disappeared. I’m instantly at ease in his company (warning sign #1). He looked so SO good (warning sign #2). He had me crying with laughter within 5 minutes of arriving (warning sign #3). He told me I looked stunning and really appreciated my outfit which showed off all of my legs (warning sign #4). We made out, went upstairs and we had the most unbelievably sexy time together, I lost count of the amount of times I came (warning sign #5). He talked about his family, his past relationships, his unbelievable luck on how he is here because his aortic valve ruptured and now has a carbon valve regulating his heart (warning sign #6). We ate some pizza and he tidied up!! (Warning sign #7). We had hours of pillow talk until about 2am, he would not shut up (warning sign #8) with cuddles and light stroking the whole time (warning sign #9) and this morning when we woke up at 5:30 (yes we were still awake at 2am) we both left the house, I was so away with the fairies I forgot to lock my frigging front door! (Warning sign #10).

I’m sleep deprived. I have aching and sore muscles, I have been ravenously hungry, but surprisingly full of beans considering I’ve only had 3 hours sleep…because I am running on a natural high! A natural high that you only get when you connect with another human being who lights up your soul!

So I need counter arguments to all the above, because I’m not in camp-stand off, I’m metaphorically going over the edge of a cliff and we know what happens when you land at the bottom. I recall that I was saying things I’ve rarely heard myself say, especially this early on; playful jokes, complimenting his appearance, touching him, sharing details about my family, sharing details about my relationships, I even told him about ‘A’!! I never tell anybody about A. We ate dinner together. I fucking cooked man. I pulled drinks. I 100% enjoyed myself and in total honesty, I didn’t want the night to end! I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want us to go our separate ways to work and our offices when morning came round. I didn’t want to see him rev up the engine on his KAWASAKI motorbike and ride away from me.

Arrrrgh! So counter arguments. A reality check. That’s what I need.

We talked A lot. But very little of that was of him asking questions. Mostly just me expanding on my life to compliment his own side of the conversation.

He did not suggest making plans for our next get together.

He explicitly stated he only invites girlfriends to his pad.

He did not say thank you for spending the night, the food, the shower this morning etc.

He said right at the start ‘You won’t break my heart Bab (local lingo) I don’t get attached’

He does not communicate other than to send racy texts, or racy photos or to set up racy meets.

The chances of this actually developing into something more is highly unlikely because THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The ones I like the most nearly never reciprocate those feelings.

I really cannot think of any more, but I’m glad I managed those few, because I do have a little more perspective now and maybe I’m just teetering on the edge of the cliff.

Won’t take much to blow me over though….

P.S I did the FLAMES test, you know where you count the number of letter of the words LOVES and then add those numbers together to get a total percentage score. We got 99% marriage.

Absolutely infallible.

Witty Title – How do you know?

Is it just me, or does everybody have imaginary conversations in their head with people they know?

I do this all the time. In the car, in the shower, as I’m walking around the supermarket or when I’m lying in bed just ready to drift off.

And it can be with anybody; a friend, a family member, a random member of the public, somebody I work with and absolutely with somebody I like.

The overriding theory here is that if I am fond of the person, I will create scenarios and play it out from my perspective. This is particularly evident if something has gone wrong somewhere. A side effect of a lifetime of anxiety. Sometimes it’s reviewing a situation that could have gone better. Sometimes they are scenarios that are entirely possible, but have just not yet come to fruition because, well, timing. Most of the time though they are completely made up scenarios that are just bloody wishful thinking.

When it comes to dating, I have this idea in my head that I will be completely chill. I want to be completely chill. I don’t want to overthink. I don’t want to fret. I just want it to be an effortless gathering of information of each other, intertwined with flirting, fun dates, knowing looks and companionship.

But alas, this is not how my brain works and the daydream-like imaginations run exceptionally wild in particular when I find a guy I have the hots for. A guy I connect with, a guy who presses all my buttons and makes me tick.

How do I know this? Well because right now my mind is racing with a multitude of scenarios that have Mr Big as the starring role. Whilst poor Gamer Geek only enters my thoughts when his name pops up on my screen. Rarely do I message him first which should be a bloody big neon flashing sign that he is into me and I should start placing more eggs in his basket.

But ohhh no! It’s Mr Big that gets all my thinking time (soon forgot about Football Dad didn’t I?). Gamer Guy barely gets a look in with dream-state saint, even though, and it’s very obvious to see, despite whatever irrelevant scores I apply to either of them, he is quite clearly leading in this Love race!

So…is there a lesson I have not yet learned here? Is this thinking time a form of over investment? If the thinking time is a side effect of my anxiety, what is it about Mr Big that is triggering me? And if it isn’t anxiety, how do I know when it’s ok to let my imagination run wild? And why does it run wild with some people, but not others?

Am I mad for having soliloquy’s running through my mind? Is this madness a form of love, the one that people refer to as temporary insanity? I’m not in love, surely. Not with either of these two.

But if you was to ask me right now, hand on heart, swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth….who I want to love?

It’s the dirty Kawasaki himself, Mr Big.

Sigh.

Happy Love Day

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I started the day with cuddles from my mini me and bacon sandwiches. Please bear with this blog post. It’s long because I’m unpacking. Thanks very much.

Come lunch-time my phone was a hive of activity. I had messages from Gamer Geek, Ex-Colleague & Mr Big. I also got messages from The Pilot, Boyfriend No.3 from last year and Nathan. Rolls eyes.

Mr Big’s was complimented with a photo, I’m not complaining, it’s exactly what I expected. Nathan’s was complimented with a message about a documentary my team are currently taking part in …seriously eye roll, Boyfriend No.3 started telling me all about his woes…snore and ex-colleague figures I would have an Amazon van full of cards and gifts waiting for me….are you on this planet? The Pilot promised me we’d do something NEXT YEAR, but didn’t fail to mention that we might be out of lock down by 14 March S&BJ Day. I told him I’d gone vegetarian and left it at that.

But Gamer Geek?

He asked me my food order, took down my address and ordered me a Valentine’s meal which arrived at 6:30 and it was delicious. He even offered to get my mini me dinner to.

Is this guy for real?! I’ve never ever met anyone so thoughtful. Honestly, he is boyfriend material, check boxes left and right. Kind ✅ Thoughful ✅ Honest ✅ no red flags ✅ has a job ✅ owns his own place ✅ no baggage ✅ funny ✅ proactive ✅ what is not to like?

Oh yeah….the heat 🛑 There’s just no physical desire. Yet. I’d really love it to build because honestly, right now, I do not have a bad word to say about him. But how long should it take for physical desire to build. I know we are in an unusual dating world right now, and getting to see someone in different settings, casual, dresses up, socially, alone is not even an option! It took 6 months of friendship with my sons dad, but 6 months feels like it’s too long. But we’ve been chatting and ‘almost dating’ for nearly 2 months…do I remain patient?

And I kinda feel guilty. Is that normal? I didn’t feel any guilt with my previous menu, well maybe a little…but in the back of my mind was always a small voice telling me that these Menz were just filling boredom. Or only after something casual so there was never any reason to get too hung up, I was the good guy and them? Not so much.

But with Gamer Geek I feel different. I feel like the bad guy. I’ve not been shy to show some of my vulnerable aspects with him, but I’m nowhere near ready to get my kit off. The converse with Mr Big.. been quick to shed the clothes but I’m a bit of clam. Why? For fear he might not like me and not want to bang me again? Pahahaha. An unlikely story, and that question I just posed is evidence that my old ways and habits have not gone completely, nor that I am ignoring my previous choices; where I’d typically be led by my attraction rather than their investment and ability to meet my boundaries. Mr Big has the potential to completely undo all the hard work I put into my Mind, Body and Soul last year.

So let’s review boundaries:

Investment: Mr Big ❌- Other than to set up a date, or to talk Smut? Minimal. He did travel to me. And he also helped me with a job application. 3/10. Gamer Geek✅- homemade biscuits and flask of tea on a walk, Valentine’s food delivery, FaceTimes, reviewed my job application and gave feedback that was valid. Offered to buy my son dinner? 9/10

Communication: Mr Big – has remained in the DMs only. There’s no other type of communication. He always knows the right thing to say so a natural charmer and hits me up way more regularly that a ‘fuck buddy’ would, but it’s definitely a ‘one-trick Pony’ conversation. Together we can talk about anything, he’s shared some personal stuff, but I don’t think it’s anything that hasn’t already worked for him with another chick. We laugh. We banter. We flirt. 5/10 Gamer Geek ✅- Texts, phone conversations, FaceTimes and when we met for a walk we didn’t stop talking the entire time. Talked about his family, he opened up about his ex, his passions, his friends. I know all about his mum, his dad, his sister. He’s funny and witty and sarcastic. We talk daily, about whatever is going on. It’s quite random but it’s always ‘Tell me about your day’.9/10

Friendship: Mr Big – giving him a tick as we have a history, even if it is work related. Have I ever told you how many people get together in our workplace that have resulted in successful marriages? There is an ease between us (nakedness aside), a connection that I cannot give a name to,that simply makes me feel like I don’t have to pretend. If I want to be a funny Saint? I can. If I want to a slutty saint? No judgement. If I want to be a hormonal emotional wreck? Not problem, here have a hanky. He’s seen all my tornadoes of personalities over the years and still secretly, patiently, waited for the moment to strike.8/10 Gamer Geek giving him a no here. Yes we’ve formed some kind of bond, but I’m still in the impressing phase. Not sure I can unleash my tornado of personalities on him and not scare him away. We don’t have an awful lot in common either other than our love for the outdoors, but opposites attract, right? 5/10

Chivalry Mr Big – ✅ a true gentleman. I just know this about him.10/10 Gamer Geek ✅- so far so good. Sets up dates, carried my bag, made tea, not pushy, very relaxed. Takes the lead when required. 8/10

Flirting: Mr Big 10/10 Gamer Geek ❌ just has not got there. He has hinted…but there’s be no real flirting, and I think I’ve just realised why I’m struggling to feel that physical desire 2/10.

Overall scores Mr Big 36/50 Gamer Geek 33/50

Oh yay. What a huge help all that was…FFS.

Mr Big #1

Right, I want you to picture the scene. Its Sunday Morning and I wake up knowing that tonight I am going to be getting down and dirty with this guy I work with. We’ve been crushing on each other and bantering with each other for years. I take a quick shower because the pre-D routine comes later as smooth skin only lasts 3-5 business minutes. I open my sex-wear drawer (was that a moth?) and decide to try a couple of them on. One of them looks hot as fuck and so I take a quick snap and off it goes to Mr Big. His reply is ‘that’s never you‘. The cheeky effing bastard. 1. Who sends a picture of somebody else? Defeats the whole point…I want you getting hard for me, not some model, and 2. Don’t act so surprised buddy! I’m hot, it’s not like you haven’t noticed else we wouldn’t be here right now would we? He redeems himself with a more appropriate response after I call him a cheeky fuck and the day is set. I thrown the outfit in the wash…I am getting laid tonight!

In order to put on the front that I am not a slob, I begin to clean my house. Starting with my bedroom and the inevitable floordrobe as this is where I am hoping we will spend most of the night. The bathroom obviously and kitchen and lounge. I also clear out my hallway and hoover top to bottom. I then run a few errands and do some essential food shopping all the while sending and receiving filthy messages with Mr Big before returning home.

By the time I jump in the shower for the second time I’m ready to blow. I consider using the shower head to sort myself out but I refrain, the anticipation will be worth it.

Lotioning up, I hear my phone beep – Mr Big is on his way. I put on the bodystocking I tried on this morning, cover myself in a black slinky dress (purely so I can answer the door modestly) and I pour a couple of drinks.

I hear a knock at the door and Mr Big looks delicious. He hasn’t come on his bike, which was a little disappointing. He looks good, he smells good. He comes in, gives me a peck on the cheek, he takes his drink and we make small talk. This is awkward I think and so I ask if he’s going to keep me waiting any longer. Of course not and we head upstairs.

He undresses me. Then himself. The kisses. The touches. Heaven.

But something happened that I hadn’t anticipated…because he’s funny and because we banter a lot already and because we work together so I already know a good deal about him, once we started making out….it felt weird! WEIRD! I was so conflicted. My eyes were all OH YES! But my body definitely didn’t quite respond in the same way.

And neither did his.

Mr Big was extremely impressive, and deserves his moniker and for a good hour, maybe less, we kissed and touched, giving each other oral. It was nice. He stopped me before he could come but I did manage to dig deep and find an orgasm from somewhere while he went down on me. We then both decided to get to the main course and well, that’s where everything kinda closed up shop. It could have been the condom, neither of us are fans. It could have been the medication he takes, it could have just been first time nerves. It could have been the slight mishap when he tried to insert a finger in my ass. It could have been being in our heads. But we both dried up!! And that folks, is the end of it.

So we ended the night, with no fucking, whatsoever. I decided to make us crumpets and we sat downstairs talking for a few hours before he headed home. I was horny again by the time he got up to leave, I told him so and he agreed but it was late… ‘Roll on Round 2‘ he said.

And so round 2 is scheduled for next week.

I closed the door on him really wishing I’d used the shower head.

Please, Please let next time be the whole meal. I don’t want to take Mr Big off the menu!

Witty Title – ‘Vanilla’ is the New Virgin

Men want sex. Women want romance. Don’t @ me.

Welcome to 2021 where gone are the illegal days of car meets, instead you cant even meets in groups of people! We cant meet loved ones for coffee unless you are in a bubble. You can’t go to a pub. You can’t even go to a restaurant for a meal, and you definitely cant be looking for romance and normal vanilla sex if you are on a dating app.

Why did we suddenly turned into a nation planet of freaks? Or when might be a better question?

I’m so conflicted with this. I love reading erotica books. I have a fairly substantial collection and I’ve had them since before the likes of Christian Grey and that other one exploded overnight. (Pun intended). What do I enjoy about them? The fantasy. The wonderfully scripted words bringing together a picture of a pants dance that I either wouldn’t have considered or set in such a way real life never lives up to. As the reader, I am the viewer. I conjure the images in my own mind, with my own ideas and my versions of the characters. I can imagine the sounds, the noises as described by the words and enjoy the pleasure ride that comes with it. If When I have applied fantasy to real life, not only do I not achieve the holistic pleasure I imagine when reading the books, I rarely achieve pleasure from bumping the metaphorical uglies with a guy who’s only main goal is his own pleasure. More often than not, acting out a fantasy is way less pleasurable that it remaining just so, an anti-climax. The absolute opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

As a result of my open-minded book adventures, I would consider myself to have a fairly broad understanding of different types of sex. I’d go so far as saying that my erotic addiction was fossilised way before E.L James and her Twilight fanfiction turned the mediocre colour of Grey into something that promises a lot more well…colour. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am the founding mother of kink, although my sexcapades throughout my entire life have been a little on the dark and dirty side, I still absolutely LOVE vanilla sex. But in online dating, kink has replaced vanilla and vanilla has replaced virgin.

And you know what, i’m kinda thrilled. But you just said acting out fantasies are an anti-climax.

Yeah but I also said I was conflicted. I’m thrilled because you know what E.L.James and Sylvia Day did? They gave women power! They gave women the confidence and imagination to want better sex and more thrilling, enjoyable sex. It became less taboo to want awesome sex as a female. No longer were women satisfied with missionary after Eastenders on a Friday night, or being pumped from behind while their man grunted for 30 seconds…they suddenly wanted a butt plug inside them when going to the supermarket. They wanted bending over the kitchen sink, their hair pulled back with a belt around their neck. They wanted humiliation and domination and to be spanked! OK so some of those may be a tad too kinky, but women finally started expanding their horizons and seeing sex for their pleasure and enjoyment, cresting the waves of ecstasy to take back their power men had long since held.

And I have no doubt, (although not enough research done IMO) that couples everywhere benefited. Straight, gay, pan…the sudden gaffer tape holding back everybodys deepest darkest desires was surreptitiously removed from our faces and the gagging order on our intimate desires turned into a real gag, with everybody getting their rocks off.

The downside to all of this though? Men everywhere, E V E R Y W H E R E, became cognisant of this newly discovered power women had found, thus became the expectation of men that all women be kinky. It’s as if being a Virgin doesn’t exist, but only being vanilla is a flavour nobody wants to admit to liking. And if you are reading this thinking, my partner isn’t into that, go ask him. If he says no, he’s lying. I know kinky can be a way of life. I am very aware of secret clubs and fetish organisations where people will willingly whip you until you are bleeding. Or rope you up until you look like a suspended knitting doll. You can even be gang banged in these places if you so wish and there is never EVER a shortage of men waiting in line to be your carnal hero. Or it can be something dabbled in. But IMO, it should never be avoided. What you choose to do and how you wish to spend your days having sex is purely down to personal preference. In my experience a 90/10 split (the 10 being the kink) keeps things spicy and rarely boring. But back to my point…men suddenly only want adventurous or kinky women. And they are soooo quick to get to this conversation without realising it doesn’t need to be said. Or if it does need to be said, then there are clever ways of saying it without being too blinking obvious. The trouble is, men who raise it too early with women who have a kink about them are probably looking for something more substantial in a man than what the man can bring to the bedroom. Truly kinky women who only seek kinky encounters are more often than not looking for short-term partners. They enjoy the quick bursts of passion that comes from short-term matches. They seek polygamy, and in my experience the majority of the Menz who want the kinky stuff, don’t like to share. If the woman is submissive, they thrive on the desire of men towards them and pleasing the man. If they are Domme, well much the same. But whilst women are out there seeking advice from dating coaches asking what is wrong with me repeatedly questioning why men only want sex, men equally have zero idea when it comes to women. Boys, if you are looking for a long term, high value, kinky woman, then you should date her at least twice before bringing up the conversation, or wait for her to raise it. Sure, you might end up chatting to lots of women who are happy to talk kink and get into sexting quickly, and sure she might be kinky now but if that’s the only thing you really value in a woman, the majority of us are gonna think you’ll be pretty fucking boring over the age of 65 and that is why us we don’t see you as long term potential. I always try to offset anything sex related with ‘I think you have mistaken me for somebody you have taken out on many more dates’. If they get the hint then brill we continue and those are the guys that get to sample the goods. If not, then SAYONARA. OK fine, I might dive in with some fun, flirty, filthy finger-tapping if it’s a particularly dry spell, or actually get down and dirty if they are six kinds of hot…I am a red blooded female after all, but for sure I ain’t dating them!

I suppose what I am saying here is that it is no longer taboo for women to be sexual. Or sexually free. Inhibitions abandoned. The problem is that men have taken this to mean that they can obtain free carnal gifts from us without putting in any effort.

What a fucking liberty!

Milkshake pt2

Phew! Inadvertently, I have been bringing all the boys to my yard. I’m not complaining.

For the last few weeks I have been talking about bus stops and milkshake and dating and all that jazz. 2021 has had an incredible start with respect to my love life. And sex life to be honest. Lockdown? What lockdown?

Gamer geek has seriously impressed me. We have been chatting non-stop for the last few weeks, we’ve video chatted a few times, last night we watched a film together, virtually which was a novel experience but lots of fun! We watched ‘The Vacation’ and it was cringeworthingly funny! Lots of giggles and then this morning we met for a walk and he bought breakfast, homemade biscuits, made me a flask of tea in his camper van AND kept me entertained on a 6 mile walk. 10/10 for effort. I won’t lie, I’m very impressed. He’s quite funny too, in a very dry sense though. Right now, I don’t really feel all that excited by him, I don’t feel the immediate draw of passion but not a single red flag is being shown. Gamer Geek is just a simple, genuine, down to earth man. I’m definitely interested in a second date. (Or is it a fourth date bearing in mind we have video chatted and watched a film?) Meh.

And then we move onto Mr Big. Big doesn’t even describe…it. We have been exchanging very filthy, dirty messages, I don’t think I have masturbated quite so much in such a short space of time. Sorry TMI. And we have a date tomorrow. Well, not so much a date. I’m totally gonna ride that boy like the dirty Kawasaki that he is. (He’s a biker). I might share the details. I haven’t decided, but what I will share now is that I am actually quite scared because I’m genuinely not sure my legs will spread wide enough. LOL. We have agreed this is a ‘no pressure, just pleasure‘ thing, which totally contradicts my 2021 Dating Mantra, nor is it what I want long term but to be quite honest, I don’t care. I know getting together during a lockdown is not a good idea, but seeing as we work together, technically, I’m already in a bubble of sorts with him so fuck it.

I’m taking a night off to GET SOME! It’s been months and it is the least I deserve.

That’s my story anyway and I’m sticking to it. Besides, I did see him this week, unexpectedly, he was in my building and I walked into an office to the back of his head. He was as equally surprised to see me. Ordinarily not a problem but the night before we had phone sex and I received a video of him. I don’t think either of us have ever been so thankful to have been wearing a mask in our lives! This might be moving quick, but I figure that as we have known each other for years, then the whole getting to know each other side of dating is redundant at this point, so why not skip ahead 5 dates? Not that I have a specified number of dates before I put out, may I just add.

Then there is ex work colleague. He has messaged me every single day. However – I don’t think he’s single and I get the sense I am just a distraction. I have tried to tease some info out of him, but he doesn’t seem to be reading between the lines. And other than his message of offering to take me out to a local beauty spot (hindsight, that sounds creepy) he has not mentioned meeting up since. So, as it stands. I have written him off.

I have not spoken to Nathan since he suggested a snog etc. He’s been following my ‘Gram stories but nothing more. I’ve also written him off. He’s had his chance to be fair, we’ve known each other for years so why keep flogging a dead horse?

And as for FD. I just have no words. I swallowed my pride after we hadn’t talked since New Years day when he called me babes. Hahahahahahahaha remember that? Remember how I was soooo caught up in what it meant and how besotted I was with this guy? Seriously hahahahahahahah. Well three weeks later nothing from him. I was resolute, I’m not making the first move, I always make the first move, if he’s a man he will get in touch. However, somebody suggested that being stubborn is my downfall and perhaps reaching out would reset the clock, because he may also feel like a three week absence would be awkward to end. So I phoned him. He answered. We spent a good hour on the phone chatting as we always do and he ended the conversation with ‘Let’s go for another walk, I’ll find some free time’. It has been radio silence again ever since. So as promised, it is February…he is also written off. Tough luck buddy! (Although having a new crush might have something to do with my sudden reversal of attitude on this).

But, what this does prove, is that just because one man doesn’t want you, that is not to say another won’t. You just never know what is around the corner. If you had said to me on New Years Day, ‘Saint – by the end of January you will be no longer care about the man who carries your balls and you will be flirting and getting hot and heavy with the guy you’ve wanted to climb for the last couple of years’….I wouldn’t have believed you.

So note to self, for any future ambiguous men. If they ain’t chasing you down and wanting to talk to you then they ain’t interested. What do Gamer Geek, Mr Big and Ex Colleague all have in common? They are consistently communicating with me. They want to talk. Whether it is ‘How’s your day?’, a meme, a funny story from their day or whether it is filth, they will get in touch. And should you find yourself pining pitifully over a man who isn’t really reciprocating, or making the effort? Well it’s simple. Down the Milkshake and WALK AWAY!

Anyway, for all you vicarious people, here is a snippet of me and and Mr Big. He’s white, I’m grey. Instagram should change its slogan to ‘Instagram: Keeping single people connected’. Or perhaps ‘Instagram: Keeping the hopes, dreams and genitals of single people from withering’ would be more appropriate.

Milkshake

What do you get if you mix a little business, a little pleasure, a little humour, a lot of flirting, a wink in the DM’s and a vow of secrecy?

Do you remember Mixing Business with Pleasure? Don’t worry if not I’ll recap for you; I downloaded Tinder in order to secretly, shamelessly, shyfully swipe right on my coworker and hope he would swipe back so we could finally act on the tension that is so obvious between us. He never did swipe right as far as I am aware. I left Tinder running for a week and I never got a match with him and thus it was deleted and forgotten about.

Well………………………………

I wasn’t lying when I said switching on my dating mode antenna had bought all the boys to my yard. I’m not getting too ahead of myself because it could just be the result of lockdown. Mutual boredom equals mutual masturbation? But I’m seriously starting to wonder if my Milkshake really that tasty? What started out as a typically innocent bit of banter between the two of us over the ‘Gram has exploded (literally) into a full blown confession of utter desire for each other!

I am not OK yo! I am totes confused. Not about him as such, because I totally fancy him. He is funny, handsome, fit, interesting, not to mention tall and the boy has a huuuge…..bed. And the goods to match, if you get what I mean. But, technically, I am this guys boss. Not everyday, but at least once a week and in the absence of my colleague, I take over the management of this super sexy man and I am totally conflicted as to whether I should run with it. Or whether to completely withdraw. Totally in camp stand-off right now.

My company doesn’t frown upon inter-work relationships. The work we do is not ‘normal’ and as a result you tend to find that people gravitate to each other. My department has seen countless weddings and partnerships over the years. But it’s the stigma that is attached to ‘sleeping with the boss’ that has got me all panicky! Even though I’m not technically his boss. Only sometimes.

How on earth do I manage the professional with the personal? We’ve agreed that as two consenting adults, sworn to secrecy and totally into each other we should explore what there is between us. But this has all the makings of a disaster…because I’m not sure I can find the middle ground. I don’t even think I can face him now without blushing and wanting to go run and hide in the basement!

So FD, Gamer geek, Nathan, Ex-Colleague and now Mr Big.

My Menu is back FFS!

‘Witty Title’ – Is Love Forever?

I fall into two camps when it comes to love. Totally stand-off or totally obsessed.

I’m either Michael Scott from The Office in the episode Performance Review – pining hopelessly or I’m Calvin in Crazy, Stupid, Love. Either way, Steve Carrell has managed to capture my entire emotional love spectrum.

I wonder why we tumble down the side of a cliff for some people and stand well away from the edge for others?

If I was to pick the camp which I most common find myself in, it is the stand-off camp. I’m the Knight on a chess board, guarding my heart, the Queen, ready to dive left or right to save me from falling and facing humiliation. I don’t really know why because I love to love. When I feel love I feel positive, and the experiences in my life are just so much more enjoyable. Feeling that deep sense of commitment towards another person really does lift me up and being loved in return carries much of the same energy. I have longed believed my stand off with the great emotion is because I have seen so many people fall in love so many times, only to have their heart crushed against some invisible pillar, resulting in a heart so broken it can’t possibly be resurrected. Pain. Nu huh, not for me! Truthfully though, I have historically been stand-offish with love because I’ve never felt I deserve to be loved. We could start looking at my childhood for reasons why, and this could quite easily turn into a therapy session where I talk about the fact I had an absent father and the long seated yearning for his love and affection have manifested in time into daddy issues as I’ve never formed a bond with the main male figure in my life, that is now the reason why I carry an avoidant-attachment type and thus it’s not possible for me to believe I am worthy of love from any man and so before they can hurt me I sabotage. Wait. I said it wasn’t going to turn into a therapy session.

And yet, when I do look back on past loves, I can be sure I have felt it and I have embraced it, I’ve felt deserving of it. I may not have given myself over entirely to love, because why give somebody so much power? But I have definitely given them a piece of my heart., some are still there. Could it be that when I have recognised the rest of my heart yearning to be handed over, this is the point that I have pulled back and put an end to things? Or have I recognised that my needs are not being met continuously and through respect for myself, I’ve walked away?

One of my dear readers left a comment on a post quoting her friend “Nothing is guaranteed”. Her friend had shared these thoughts to describe that although she was married, it wasn’t the end of her story. Lots of things could happen down the road so it’s best just to appreciate where you are at in life because before long, you’ll be onto the next stage of your life.

Whilst this could apply to whatever cycle of life you are in of course, because life is a continuum, I think it was Robert Frost who said Life.Goes.On. But this got me thinking…does love have to last forever? Better yet, is love supposed to last forever?

I have experienced love all my life, and loved all my life. My family for starters. And then there’s the love of my friends that I have met over the years. I loved, and was loved, by a man for 13 years so I’m quite capable and able to be successful with it. If I couldn’t love, or if I wasn’t worthy of love, I wouldn’t have good relationships with family or friends. Or a story involving a man for more than a third of my entire existence on this planet. I also know what it is to love unconditionally. But does love last forever? I have had friends that I have loved and lost. Men that I have loved and lost. I’ve even loved family members and lost those. And although the loss has been difficult to bear, I grieve and come out of it the other side, slightly more bruised than before, but definitely stronger. The bruises fade, the strength always remains.

So why do I find it more comforting to be stand-offish with love rather than totally obsessed? What am I looking for in love? Or what am I trying to avoid might be a better question? I spend most of my time I looking to avoid potential heartbreak and the despair and depression that comes with losing someone so close? If that is the case, then why? I’ve proven to myself time and again that I am capable of rising out of the ashes.

In my short time on this little orb of life, I have found a love obsession to be all-consuming. It completely overtakes my life. Not a day goes by without a thought (or several thousand) crossing my mind of that person. My own needs are overtaken by theirs and I find myself getting absorbed in their ideas of life. I can tell you, that with an obsession this blog would fail. I wouldn’t find take the the time to do it because I’d constantly be doing the things that made my obsession happy rather than myself. I’d be blind to all the red flags (if there were any), my hobbies would be on the back burner and all that free time I get would be spent on them. Even if not physically present, my brain wouldn’t allow me time off from them. I think us Brits call it pining after someone. Like a sad puppy who is waiting for their owner to come home. I’ve just diminished myself to a dog.

And despite my newfound perspective that I have promised myself, dropping the cynicism and going after love, or rather letting love in instead of batting it away like a bad game of rounders, I’m still guilty and susceptible to falling into my old obsessive ways. ‘Witty title’ – Pet names is evidence of that. I’ve been so focused on the moments shared with FD and my intrinsic need to try and connect the dots to form a picture, I’ve missed the fact there just wasn’t much of a picture to form to begin with. New me would say we went for a walk. We enjoyed each others company. That is it! Old me insists that there is something to read into in his every movement, word, joke. Weirdly, new me is maintaining new me thoughts on the aaarghpps. I briefly spoke about Chris in witty title – week 1 and how we like one another but had slightly different views on what we wanted in life. Old me would have totally ignored our differences and latched onto the fact that he was attracted to me. Old me would have taken his messages on the app (even the ones that came after that conversation) as a sign of something more. A sign that I could change his mind, if only he would meet me. He’ll see. Old Me would have been convinced that he would change his mind. We did have a sing off to Elvis – Suspicious Minds, which made my day, but at the line where Elvis croons we can’t on together’ I ended the fun and games with ‘no seriously, we can’t go on together’. New me is putting her foot down, although I will admit a small part of old me is lurking in the background, but I’m starting to recognise that you must fall for the person that they are and not the person who you hope they will be. The one in your head is made up! The one in front of you is real!

Is it possible that I expect too much of love? Have I watched one too many romantic films? We all want to fall in love. But as we know, love is an emotion. We don’t ever say we want to fall in happiness. Or fall in pride. And if love is an emotion, and an emotion is a conscious mental reaction toward a specific object or person, and emotions do not last, then it seems a bit ridiculous that we expect love to happen for us and last forever.

Maybe, it is possible that we can fall in love with people in short bursts. As it is an emotion no different to being angry or jealous, those feelings don’t last and we fall out of anger and jealousy as quickly as we fall into them. Is it unreasonable to think the same of love. For the briefest of moments where Chris and I were singing together, I felt a huge draw to him, I was in a positive state of mind and I experienced the rest of that day with more joy than usual, my desire for him multiplying exponentially. A temporary insanity? Is that not love? And if we can fall in love within the briefest of moments, we can fall out of it too just as quickly. I certainly don’t feel love for Chris now, but the positive feelings I did experience were addictive and maybe it is that feeling of being addicted that we chase in our search?

And if love is an addiction, that would explain my history of only ever being at opposite ends of the love spectrum, totally addicted or totally withdrawing.

Maybe that’s where I need to find my balance? That love is a spectrum of sorts. You aim for the middle and hope that as a couple you move towards addiction in the smallest of actions. Whether that be something as simple as carrying a kit bag full of footballs for me or accepting my quirky Elvis superfan status and having a sing-off with me. And when I find myself sliding towards withdrawing, I need a partner who understands that love is work, to help me find my equilibrium back in the middle.

I guess what I can say with absolute certainty thanks to the benefit of hindsight, is that I’ve yet to meet a man who has been able to bring me back to equilibrium. I can’t say for certain that my self-sabotage is not a test, but Relationship expert Matthew Hussey says ‘many people can handle our wounds but not our weapons’. My heart is the queen, the knight is my weapon and I’m stuck in a cycle of love checkmate.